Update on 'Honesty'

Ok, so I'm going to fill you in on our meeting at church.  We walked into the Pastor's office and it was filled with 10 deacons!  Seriously, they were intent on 'knowing' us, I guess!  So, here are Zach and I on a couch facing 11 people!  Yikes!  They first asked Zach his salvation story and why we want to be member's of the church.  They asked him a few questions and then turned to me.  I was so nervous- I hate talking in front of people and I could feel my face just getting redder and redder. 

I told them how I grew up going to church.  How my mom would drop me off at church and I'd go to Sunday School and then in church sit in the front row alone.  I was just a young girl.  Then we went to a Tent Meeting, a 'revival' and I went into the children's tent.  There was a guy named Grandpa Happy who taught us about Jesus.  I then learned the message of salvation and gave my life to Jesus.  (This may not all be word for word how I said it).  I can't remember if they began with questions then.  I know I was only 10 at the time and shared that.  I think they asked how my life changed or something to that affect and what I meant by 'getting saved'.  Somebody asked me what the Cross meant to me.  Geez, I was being bombarded with questions!  I said something about God and the Pastor piped in about Jesus and who is Jesus to me?  I guess because I said the word God and not Jesus, they probably thought I didn't know God & Jesus were the same.  Seriously, when I'm nervous my words just don't come out right.  I can't even remember what else they asked me, but it was like they were doubting my salvation!!!  WOW!  I KNOW I'm saved!  I wish now I could have shared more.  And our lives with the Lord are a 'work in progress'.  I fall, I stumble, but I get back up.  I know Jesus died for my sins on the cross- that all my sins were there on the cross with every beating, every anguished cry.  I believe in Him, turned from my sins, gave my life over too Him and try (and fail) daily to live for Him. 

When we were done they didn't even say anything about whether we're 'accepted' as members or not!  So we have NO idea!  Zach thinks they won't accept us because of the way they drilled me!  I was encouraged when he turned to me though and said, "I know you're saved."  And you know what, I know I'm saved too.  The Lord knows my heart.  But at the same time, it sure gets you to doubt your salvation if you know what I mean.  I began to question if indeed I was.  Wow!  I have assurance though that I am indeed going to Heaven, that I am indeed the Lord's child and that JESUS died on the cross for MY sins.

When we went to small group the other night Zach was telling the leader how we met with the elders.  He 'acted' surprised about how it went but to me it almost seemed a show to me so I wonder if he heard about it (he is the pastor's son-in-law).  Maybe it's just all in my head too.  Do I even want to go to a church like this, to be a member here?  I'm so torn.  Of course I have to follow my husband's lead in this, but geez, it was almost very discouraging =(  Now I'm determined to 'write down' my salvation story so next time I get it 'right'.  As if I don't know it.  I think the thing is that I was so young when I was saved.  Like I said though, we're 'works in progress'.  Sigh.