Bleh

The throat is scratchy.  The ear feels like somethings draining.  A bit of a cough.  This time of the year stinks.  I just want to put on my pj's and crawl back into bed and do nothing.  But I'm washing bedding and was hoping to break out the winter coats today and get those washed up.  That won't happen.  Somehow we have so much laundry (I just did it on Thursday).  I'm hoping maybe I can forgo my normal Monday wash day and just do the winter things then.  We'll see how much I get done today!  At least it's this weekend I feel so cruddy because next weekend I'm going to an overnight retreat!!!  I am really looking forward to that.

Un-believe-able

So, since I finally started my new blog I can blog about other things here.  Not that I couldn't in the first place.  Be sure to check that one too though, as I'll still post there every day in October.  Anyway, I can't believe this is our 7th or 8th week of school.  Wow!  Time is just FLYING!  It seems like our school year JUST started!  I guess that's a good sign?  I'm surprised how well the kids are doing.  Not like every day is perfect- nothing like that.  I'm just amazed how much they remember from last year. 

Especially Gabe...I wasn't sure what he'd remember from last year and we've just been able to breeze through a lot of stuff.  Of course the beginning of the year is review, but I'm still surprised.  He doesn't always have a good attitude when it comes time to do school (he whines most of the time about it), but he does real well when he sits and does it.  I've had to continually work with him on his handwriting and writing his letters correctly, but I think maybe he's finally getting it.

Josiah finished school first today!  I have no idea how on earth that happened!!!  I think he was pretty proud of himself.  He has to write a letter this week and he's writing to his Grandpa Larry about going to the pumpkin patch.  He's been doing real well also.  We're reading an Abeka reader (it maybe be later 2nd grade level) about what life was like in Jesus' time and it's so interesting to us both!

Hannah still has a hard time coming up with adding details to her writing.  It can tend to be boring and I feel I have to keep prodding her.  I don't know what to do to get her to think of ideas by herself!  She always likes to be the one done 'first' or before lunchtime.  I think she just likes to have her afternoons free, although even if she is done with her work before lunch we still have history or science afterwards.

I'm memorizing scripture with them all and am amazed at how well they remember the verses!  In history we've been watching a lot of videos on Jamestown, John Smith and Pocahontas.  Interesting!  We went to the zoo on Friday for science and did some Zoobooks so we'll work on those a bit more tomorrow.  I love the hands-on stuff.  I was going to sign us up for a Homeschool Safari at the zoo but they charge like $8 a student (that's with a zoo membership, its more if you're not a member)!  Also, they don't allow the parents to sit in on the class.  I don't like that- I'd want to sit and listen to what they're learning too.  So, forget it!

I'm hoping the rest of our school year goes this quickly but I think once the snow falls things will slow down.  Oh well, at least for now its flying!  The kids are also enjoying the co-op we joined (as am I). 

Revealing

As I lie in bed last night I was bummed that I didn't blog yesterday!!!  I wanted to hit every day this month with a post!  Oh well, ya can't win 'em all!  Anyway, without further ado, here is the link to my new blog: http://theyaresafelyhome.blogspot.com/.  Feel free to share it with anybody as it is not private.  I hope that God will use it for His glory.

Remembering our Babies

Friday was Pregnancy & Infant Loss Rememberance Day.  This is what we did at 7 pm to remember our babies:

Four simple words

"How are you doing?"

Just four simple words.  Words we ask so flippantly, so often.  Yet words that can really mean so much to a person who is hurting.  Just yesterday as I was driving to the store I was pondering these words.  We tend to ask this question of people often, expecting their simple answer of, "fine, good, ok".  When we ask this, are we really, really wanting to know how people are doing?  It's such a formality.  And that is ok.  I am known to do this quite often!  I think also, our tone of voice can depict how we truly mean this question, as can our surroundings.  Passing an acquaintance in a store, we may say hello, ask how they're doing and move on to buy our items. 

So often people ask, "Hey Jamie, how are you doing?"  I am honest and answer "Okay."  I'm not good, not bad, just "Okay."  But we don't have a chance to elaborate, or feel we can.  Does that make sense?  I'm guilty of this just as much as the next guy.  Do I really want to know how she's doing when I ask her?  It's something we really need to think about.  It's something we need to practice- to truly care about how they're doing.

Last night I went to a Mom's Night Out with the women from our homeschool co-op.  I think most women there last night at least 'know of' my recent loss.  As the night wore on I was able to sit by K, a woman who grieves in a whole different way.  You see she has one child.  She tried for 5 years for this child and was blessed.  Since then they've desired more children but the Lord has not yet blessed her womb.  She grieves for the babies she hasn't yet been able to carry.  She can empathize, in a sense, my grief.  So, as our group began to break down into little conversations around the room she turned to me and asked, "How are you doing?" in the most sincere, caring voice, truly wanting to know the answer.  I answered.  I thanked her.  And I praised God for hearing the thoughts I'd had earlier in the day!

Strong Enough

It is so weird.  I've been going through old posts to add to my new blog.  While I try not to read things, I do catch bits and pieces so I know what is appropriate for that blog.  Well, so many of them sound the same as they do now!  I experienced the same things with each baby lost as I do now.  It just seems crazy to me. 

I told Zach I want to do something special on my 'due date', though at this point I haven't come up with anything concrete.  I do have ideas though.  Do you have any thoughts or ideas for me?  I was just talking to my mom today about the holidays.  Here I'm so set on trying to get through my 'due date' that I can't even think about the approaching holidays.  But today I was thinking about how hard Thanksgiving will be...and a fleeting thought of Christmas.  My mom is thinking about possibly coming for Christmas.  I think that would be wonderful.  I think it would "help" me so much to have her here!  Nothing like a mama's company, right?  But, like I said I really can't even "go" there. 

I'm so very thankful I don't have to rely on my own strength to get through these times.  I'm so glad I have a Rock, Anchor, Fortress, Strong Tower that I can ran to!  Speaking of strength, these are the lyrics to Matthew West's new song 'Strong Enough'.  It couldn't really sum it up any better.  This is the story behind the song.  You can listen to this song here.

You must



You must think I'm strong


To give me what I'm going through






Well, forgive me


Forgive me if I'm wrong


But this looks like more than I can do


On my own






I know I'm not strong enough to be


everything that I'm supposed to be


I give up


I'm not strong enough


Hands of mercy won't you cover me


Lord right now I'm asking you to be


Strong enough


Strong enough


For the both of us






Well, maybe


Maybe that's the point


To reach the point of giving up






Cause when I'm finally


Finally at rock bottom


Well, that's when I start looking up


And reaching out






I know I'm not strong enough to be


Everything that I'm supposed to be


I give up


I'm not strong enough


Hands of mercy won't you cover me


Lord right now I'm asking you to be


Strong enough


Strong enough






Cause I'm broken


Down to nothing


But I'm still holding on to the one thing


You are God


and you are strong


When I am weak






I can do all things


Through Christ who gives me strength


And I don't have to be


Strong enough


Strong enough






I can do all things


Through Christ who gives me strength


And I don't have to be


Strong enough


Strong enough






Oh, yeah






I know I'm not strong enough to be


Everything that I'm supposed to be


I give up


I'm not strong enough


Hands of mercy won't you cover me


Lord right now I'm asking you to be


Strong enough


Strong enough


Strong enough

Waiting Room

Another song that really spoke to me that Jonny Diaz sang at the concert.

Blow by blow

Last night my dear Abby would not fall asleep.  She was so tired that she just could not stop crying.  Finally I laid her in my arm and began to sing 'Jesus Loves Me'.  I made it through the song two times before I just lost it and she crashed at last.  I realized I will never get to hold little Nathaniel in my arms and sing songs to him and put him to sleep with my horrible singing voice.  I just sobbed and sobbed as I held her in my arms.  Today I went to my friend's house.  Her baby is 7 weeks old.  Abby just adores him.  She was so eager to hold him, give him his pacifier.  It just breaks my heart to see her missing out on having a baby brother.  I found out yesterday a good friend of mine here is having a baby boy.  She lives down the street from me and our daughter's play often.  It's going to be another piece 'missing' when she has her baby- to think our boys could have played together also.  Sigh.  As my due date approaches I cringe.  I'm so scared for that day to come.  To think tomorrow I "would" be 37 weeks.  I'd be huge, uncomfortable and anxious to meet my baby.  Sigh.

Grieving the Loss of Yourself

I am hoping in my spare time (what spare time, I'm not sure) to make another blog that can be public dealing w/infant loss, miscarriage, etc.  I hope to 'transport' my posts from this blog onto that, even as far back as baby "Grace".  We'll see how this goes! 

On another note, reading Becky Avella's book, 'And Then You Were Gone' (which I've mentioned before) something really struck me.  She talked about how you're forever changed by the loss of a baby.  Obviously.  She talked about how you need to also grieve how you change from this- that you will never be the same person.  It just totally struck me.  I mean hear you grieve the loss of your baby, but you also grieve the loss of yourself, ya know?  I've never even thought of that before.  I mean I know I've changed drastically with each loss, but never thought about how I have to deal with my 'change'.  Just something I've been pondering.  I have to be honest with you that I don't like the 'new' me.  Sure, God gives us these things to 'grow' us and in some ways I have but in others I just feel so lost, questioning and searching, angry and feeling hopeless at times.  And let's talk about the physical- it is sickening!  I weigh more now than I did when I was pregnant with Nathaniel and more than I have in well...I don't know since I've been pregnant?  It is frustrating!  I always seem to 'gain' weight after I lose a baby but c'mon!  So, I've been skipping some meals and such, hoping to lose some of it.  I need to start walking or getting on the treadmill but I seriously don't know when to do so.  It is hard to fit in one more thing!  Anyway, that is today's thoughts :)

Walk to Remember

Today a local hospital had a 'Walk to Remember'.  I haven't been to one before, and though I'd heard about it I still didn't really know what to expect.  I was anticipating it and yet dreading it at the same time- what a way to honor my babies but what a mess I would/could be!!!

We arrived and I filled out a form with our name/info and then walked to the next table.  They had little battery operated candles that say, "Mercy Walk to Remember" with an angel on them (Mercy is the name of the hospital).  They also had white roses with white ribbon where you could write your baby's name on the ribbon.  For some reason I just began to cry right then.  The lady across the table, the volunteer, just hugged me and looked like she was going to get teary.  It just overwhelmed me for a moment there.  We then went to a room where they were putting the siblings handprints on a mural type thing.  They're going to hang that on the Maternity Ward somewhere, near a room that they tend to use for people experiencing the loss of a baby. 

When we walked into the auditorium I could not believe all the people in there!  We almost couldn't find a seat and there were still a lot of people that had to come in!  It was overwhelming and so very sad to think we were all there for such a reason, that we've all lost babies, whether they were our child, brother, sister, etc.  It was also almost a comfort.  To know that so many others have walked this road.  We are not alone.  I hate that we all have to be on this path though.

They had a woman playing a harp, they had some special songs, prayers, poems and other 'snippets'.  I held it together pretty well.  In one part there were readers reading some scripture and the audience responds with a certain scripture (reminded me of Catholic church).  I almost did lose it then and couldn't speak aloud for a bit.  We 'lit' our candles.  We then walked around the 'campus' of the hospital.  It was simply amazing- all of us people.  I think there were at least 300!  Can you believe that?  As cars passed us I just felt so humbled to be able to do such a thing for my precious babies.  We had a picture taken in front of a fountain and then walked to the 'Memory Garden'.  There was a violinist, some reading and each person took their rose to the foot of an angel statue and spoke the name of the baby they were honoring.  Amazing.

I hate that we have to be part of that 'club', part of something like that.  At the same time I am so very thankful that we have something like that here that we can take part in.  I hope that while we're still here we'll make it an annual affair for our family.  I hope that the next place we move also has such a thing to honor our precious little ones.

Zach really thought this song was a tear-jerker:

STILL

music & lyrics: Gerrit Hofsink


I’ve been waiting for you
For such a long time
You’re always on my mind


And I’m lying awake
Most of the night
Waiting to hold you tight


Now that I do
And look at you
My heart is breaking
This can’t be true


Chorus:
Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again


Close to my soul
Close to my heart
Right from the start


Lost in time
Lost in space
Can’t wait to see your face


Now that I do
And look at you
My heart is breaking
I know it’s true


Chorus:
Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again


Sometimes I find myself wondering what to do
With this pain that I’m going through
But I know one day, God will take me away
And I’m coming home to you
And when I do
And look at you
My heart is healing
I know it’s true


Chorus:
Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again

What else I've been up to

Last night I was thinking of so many things I wanted to blog about tonight but do you really think I can remember any of it today?  Go figure!  My brain is shot! 

We missed co-op yesterday.  The kids were all coughing the night before and we thought it best to stay home.  The kids were totally bummed.  We didn't have hardly any 'normal' school to do so we did that real quick and did our own co-op.  They played Wii Sports (bowling, baseball and boxing).  Then they made some scarecrows.  We never did get to do 'music' but they do play Band Hero a lot with their dad, so it's not like they missed out :)  I think they had fun doing all that.  I spent my afternoon looking for info on John Smith, Pocahontas and Jamestown.  I found tons of stuff and got some books and videos from the library this morning. 

Speaking of this morning I went to head out to our town's farmer's market and there wasn't anything set up!!!  What on earth!?!?  We get farmer's market checks with WIC and I really wanted to use them (they expire at the end of Oct).  I thought for sure the farmer's market would still be set up today.  The weather is just beautiful too.  It almost annoys me- my whole menu was soups and fall-type of foods and who wants to make soup when its 80* out???

Ok, enough of boring you.  I know I'll be posting more on the concert as I share lyrics and songs with you!  Aren't you just excited?

The Reason For The World

I have to be honest with you.  Sometimes in life, in loss, I don't want to move on.  I guess the main reason is that I don't want my babies to be forgotten.  I want them to be remembered.  And lately I think God is telling me that it is okay to move on, that I need to.  I mean, I have been, but I can continually feel Him nudging me to keep going further- that it is through His strength and His hope that I can go on.  That there is a greater purpose in my loss, one I can't even comprehend.


Matthew West has a new album out and it is so amazing.  If you go to his site you can read about the project he took on and you can read the stories behind the songs.  Wow.  I kept thinking, "I'll have to download that from itunes" but then another song would be sung that I fell in love with and so I just bought the CD!  I'm going to share the lyrics with you from this song The Reason For The World. 


There are no words in times like these

When tears don't hide the tragedies
And all you want is a reason for the world


No comfort in the greeting card
Cause God is good
But life's still hard
and your heart just wants a reason for the world


Maybe the reason for the pain
Is so we would pray for strength
And maybe the reason for the strength
Is so that we would not lose hope
And maybe the reason for all hope
Is so that we could face the world
And the reason for the world
Is to make us long for home


For God so loved your broken heart
He sent his son to where you are
and he died
To give a reason for the world


So lift your sorrows to the one
Whose plan for you has just begun
And rests here in the hands that hold the world


Maybe the reason for the pain
Is so we would pray for strength
And maybe the reason for the strength
Is so that we would not lose hope
And maybe the reason for all hope
Is so that we could face the world
And the reason for the world
Is to make us long for home


Well I know your past the point of broken
Surrounded by your fear
I KNOW you're faint and tired and lonely
from the road that you walked down here
But just keep your eyes on heaven
and know that you are not alone
remember the reason for the world


No ear has heard
No eye has seen
Not even in your wildest dreams
A beauty that awaits beyond this world
When you look into the eyes of grace
and hear the voice of mercy say
Child, welcome to the reason for the world


The words in bold are the ones that really spoke to me, although really the whole song did.  The bold words are what God is really teaching me right now.  You can always find the song on YouTube and listen to it there also.

Blessings, Blessings

Wow, my socks were blown off tonight! We went to a Matthew West concert. Haven't heard of him? He's a Christian artist who sings some pretty awesome songs- you're missing out :) His opening acts were Josh Wilson and Jonny Diaz. One of Josh Wilson's songs has really ministered to me the past four months and I was so excited to see him in person! I'm hoping tomorrow to elaborate more on the concert- when I'm not so tired. There were quite a few songs that just touched my heart tonight that I really want to share with you. Tonight I'm simply going to leave you with...um...which one should I pick first? I guess I'll go with a Josh Wilson one tonight since he was the first artist up. This is his instrumental of Amazing Grace and it was simply a.m.a.z.i.n.g.  The video simply doesn't do it justice compared to the real deal!

Names

In our Bible study for Mommies with Hope we're reading Becky Avella's book, "And Then You Were Gone."  In the chapter we read she talked about her babies names.  Teske posted on the MwH blog about names and I thought I'd just copy my comment here about the names we chose for our heavenly babies.

We named our miscarriage Grace (well more I did, now the kids have picked up on it also, so I'm sure Zach will soon follow). I don't know the gender of the baby, part of me feels it was a girl (until recently with losing two boys I'm second guessing). My friend did have a 'vision' of a little girl running through a field when I was going through the miscarriage. Grace because every song, every verse that kept coming at me was all about God's grace- most especially Chris Tomlin's song Amazing Grace.



Our second loss we named Malachi Robert. Malachi means Messenger of God, angel. We believe he really sent a strong message to people about the sanctity of life. Robert is my husband's middle name, and as with all our boys we use their middle names after a family member or someone meaningful in our lives. It means Bright Fame.


Our third loss we named Nathaniel Larry. It was totally God who gave us this name as we just didn't have a name (we were waiting to find out the sex of the baby at our ultrasound so didn't really discuss names much). Nathaniel was not on our list at all, but as I began to search for names that mean God's gift or Gift of God that one jumped out at me. Nathaniel means Gift of God, and he surely was a gift to us! Larry is after Zach's dad. It does mean 'Crowned with Laurel' and I can't help but think of the crown sweet Nathaniel is wearing.

Powerful Psalms

Tonight at our Small Group we were asked to each pick a Psalm that ministers to us and tell why.  It was great digging in the Psalms (and also hard to pick just one)!  Some verses really struck me from some chapters that people read and I wanted to share them. 

Psalm 22: 9, 10 "Yet you brought me out of the womb, you made me trust in you even at my mother's breast.  From birth I was cast upon you; from my mother's womb you have been my God."

Although our babies maybe haven't been at our breasts, they were made in our womb. So often we think of birth as the time our babies enter the world, but really it is from conception. So, from the time our baby was conceived they were cast upon God- from the very moment on conception they have been God's child! Wow! That is just so awesome to think about.



Psalm 71: 6 "From birth I have relied on you; you brought me forth from my mother's womb.  I will ever praise you."

Again, "birth" being conception- from the moment our babies were conceived they've relied on God.  Nothing we do or don't do will cause our child to grow right or wrong or not grow at all.  God intricately designs each child in the womb- and that child fully relies on Him before they take their first breath!  And when they don't have the opportunity to take a breath here on earth how much sweeter for them!  Then the verse says, "I will ever praise you."  How often do we on earth not praise Him?  But our precious heavenly babies are always, forever praising Him!!!  He created them (and us) with that very purpose- to praise and glorify Him!!!  It just amazed me to dwell on those scriptures tonight.  Even though we feel ripped off from not having our babies here with us, God created them specifically for heaven, for continual praise unto Him!  May we strive to always praise Him, even through the tough times of grief.

Some of my thoughts tonight

Sorry if this seems like rambling, it is simply my heart tonight as I contemplate God, my babies in heaven and where I currently 'am'.

Sometimes we feel so alone in our grief, but we're never alone in the trials we face
God is there with us, through the fiery flames
Holding our hands and helping us rise again
We will conquer, we will overcome
We have us an example who's overcome the greatest obstacle- the grave!!!
When we feel we've nowhere to turn and nowhere to run, it is to His hiding place, His loving arms, His solid rock that we can turn
People will fail us, they'll say the wrong things
But, God, in His goodness will carry us on His wings

When the storm is so brutal and we can't rise again,
His hand will guide us and lead us to Him
Don't give up hope, do not despair
He is here with us when we can't contain the tears.

Thank YOU, Lord Jesus for holding me tight
For not letting me give up the good fight
For forgiving me over and over again
For the questions, the doubting, the anger and sin

I know this is all for Your glory, for Your good and I know my babies are safe with you now.  Never will they know hunger, thirst, want, selfishness, anger, sadness.  They were created with Heaven as their home.  I won't understand it here on earth, but I know my precious babies were destined for Heaven.  Please use their lives to further Your kingdom.  Please use me through these difficult times.  Use me in my sadness, my anger, my longing, my emptiness.  Fill me with You and You alone.  Please take this ache, this deep longing and fill me.  Amen.

Fun, laughs and a spiritual wake-up call

We had a GREAT time at the Pumpkin Patch today!!!  Zach took the day off and came along!  The weather couldn't have been better- for October it was a gorgeous day!  We all had to take off our jackets!  And when we were trekking through the corn maze I got a bit sweaty!!!  Amazing!  The kids had a blast on the jumping pillow, slides, tire swings, corn box, hayride, corn maze and picking out their pumpkins.  It was so much fun!  Growing up we never had things like this to do.  I'm so thankful my kiddos have these opportunities- fun memories for us all!  I took a ton of pictures but facebook won't let me load pictures lately. 

Here's a funny that happened on the way home.  Zach stopped at Bass Pro Shop and took the boys in.  I turned around in my seat to change Abby's diaper and there were these guys walking by the suburban and they just kept looking in (I think they could see in even though I have tinted windows).  I finished with Abby, put her in her seat and sat back in my seat, realizing that the guys were parked next to me and somehow I could tell they were still looking my way.  Weird.  For some reason I looked down toward my lap and realized my boob was hanging out of my shirt (but still in my bra)!!!!  Oh my goodness, I about died!  I am STILL cracking up about it!!!  It probably didn't help their minds any that my bra was a nude color!  There's my embarrassment for the year!

Tonight I went to a Bible study I began going to for Mommies with Hope.  It has been real encouraging.  On my way home I began thinking about how I feel like I'm never home lately.  It seems like there's always something going on.  Last night I went out with my friend Sadie.  Tomorrow night we have our Small Group.  Thursday afternoon is park day.  Friday is co-op and I want to go to a concert that night.  I love getting out and doing things but lately (well since like August) it seems like I'm always running!  I just keep telling myself that it's just for a season- before I know it the snow will fall and I'll be a homebody as much as possible.  Which I know is true, but I still hate feeling like we're gone so much.  So, I get home from Bible study and proceed to read my devotional for the day.  Ok, can you say "spiritual spanking"?  The title is 'My Resting Place' and it is referring to our homes.  God calls the righteous home a resting place.  Isaiah 30:15 says, "This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it."  She asks the question, "Are you letting the enemy use little things, subtle things, or even good things to rob you of your resting place?"  WOW!  I was JUST thinking of those very things!!!  All I'm doing are little things.  I'm doing good things.  But it is taking away from what is truly important- what God has called ME to do- to provide a resting place for my family!  She also says, "God calls you to come back into the heart of your home, He wants you to rest in your home, He wants your home to be the center of your life where you can live in quietness and confidence."  If that doesn't speak any clearer to me, then I need a 2x4 upside the head!  Now I will need to ask God those things to 'get rid of' in my life to help my focus be more on home.  I know it's ok for me to go out sometimes, to do things, etc, but I also know God desires me to be at home more raising my children for His kingdom.  Isaiah 32:18 says "My people shall dwell in quiet resting places."  Henry Wadsworth Longfellow says, "Stay, stay at home, my heart and rest; Home-keeping hearts are happiest."

Music~ Minister

One thing that's spoken to me during my times of loss is music. I'll share some of it here with you this month. Some I may have shared in the past. This is one of my new favorites, but I do have a lot of favorites these days!

As hard as life sometimes is, even when we feel we can no longer stand, all we need to do is cry out to HIM and we will be sustained. We will not drown! So often I've thought I'm just gonna sink in my pain, my misery, but He ALWAYS pulls me through! He is so good to us!

Standing for the Unborn

Today was Life Chain.  I told my kids where I was going and what I was going to do and asked them if they wanted to come.  All three did.  Zach stayed home with napping Abby.  I was so amazed and proud that they wanted to come with me rather than stay home and play!  Part of me feared them horsing around and not listening to me during the event, but they did GREAT!  We picked our signs up at the church that was hosting it and I saw a friend from my homeschool group.  She told me where she was driving to so I drove down there and we sat/stood together.  I read parts of the back of the signs to the boys, explaining the behavior that we should exemplify as we stand holding these signs.  They seemed so proud to stand there holding these signs.  After a while Josiah said, "Oh, I need to smile!" (one of the 'rules') and put a big grin on his face, holding his sign high.  I was teary eyed, seeing my children doing what they were- taking an hour and a half of their time to stand for the unborn.  It meant so much to me to share that time with them.  We had many cars go by where people honked, threw out peace signs and waved.  We also had a few flip us off and one lady yelled out, "Judge not lest ye be judged!"  I was amazed at the line of people standing, dedicating their day to these babies.  I wish I couldn't driven by to see just how many people there were.  I remember we did this once in North Carolina and tehre weren't nearly as many people who did it (of course the town was a lot smaller also). 

Changin' My Look

In honor of the month I'm changing the look of my blog.  This background is called Gracie.  How fitting is that, since I've "named" our first baby we lost Grace.  I am not sure if this baby was a boy or girl, but everywhere I turned there was something about "grace".  It just was fitting to name the baby the name I did.  It hasn't been until recently that we've really begun to use the name.  Zach wasn't keen on it, not knowing the sex of the baby, but the kids seem to have picked up on the name.  I also wanted a blue color, in honor of my boys in heaven, Malachi and Nathaniel.  The flowers are just fitting as well.  I also asked Hannah to help me and out of the three I found this was our favorite. 

Last night I had a really difficult night.  Who am I kidding, yesterday was just a hard day- emotionally, hormonally, mommy-wise, etc.  This is what I wrote on facebook last night as I had turned out the light and got ready to fall asleep: 

Before it even registers in my mind my body just knows the time...and then the grief hits like a slap in the face and the tears fall in their own accord. It's been 4 months. I would be due in exactly a month (on the 3rd). No wonder my day was so difficult.

It was so weird, I was up reading and I was fine.  I turned out the light and the tears just began to fall.  They seemed to come out of nowhere.  Then it just dawned on me.  Sometimes you just have those moments.  You just fall apart and later realize exactly why!



Angels

Angels

An Angel from the Book of Life

Wrote down my baby's birth,

And whispered as she closed the book

"Too Beautiful For Earth"

Author Unknown

I found this online and it really touched me as I read it.  How very true. 

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  I'm hoping to use my blog this month to share something every day on the matter, whether is something personal or not.  I know I missed yesterday so I'll try to share two things today (lucky you).

It is really sad that there even needs to be such a 'month'.  I know it is also Breast Cancer Awareness Month and I'm hoping those affected by that will share with us. 

Miscarriage or infant loss is so much more common than we tend to think.  It's almost like it's own special 'club', one none of us wants nor chooses to be in.  About one in every four pregnancies ends in 'miscarriage' (I use that term loosely).  So I guess I could look at my four living children and think how they're all miracles, but especially one of them?  I think my children are miracles as it is, of course, and most especially Abigail as she's here amongst 3 babies who were conceived but never had a chance to take a breath here on earth.  One in four.  It is amazing when we're at our Mommies with Hope meetings how many of us have multiple losses.  To think of the children that could fill that room!!!  On the other hand, Heaven has got to be filled with children- loads and loads of babies!  I cannot wait to meet my babies!!! 

It's all a bit confusing

So, I am updating you on my doctor appointment I had the other day.  It still all confuses me a bit, so I'll do my best.  Some of you probably received an email about it, but I wanted to post it here also, just in case I forgot someone who actually may read my blog (I have no idea who you are because you people don't comment)!!! 

I was tested for antiphospholipid antibodies.  Apparently there are 4 of them that relate to pregnancy.  One is called Cardiolipin and I tested borderline for it.  Therefore it wasn't quite positive but also wasn't negative.  It means I could test positive for it in the future, but not necessarily.  I also had an ANA screen done (Anti-Nuclear Antibody).  My number was like 1.160 or something.  Being that it is that isn't quite a concern, it becomes a concern when its like 1.600.  But being that it is the number it is also alerts the doctor that something is going on.  So, because I haven't tested positive at this time to these tests I don't need to take blood thinners while I'm pregnant (if I become pregnant), but as soon as I become pregnant I need to take a baby aspirin.  Something about it causes pregnancies to stick in women that have the same results as myself.  Nine out of ten pregnancies turn out great.  That 1 does concern me, but...

Here is a part I forgot to mention in the email (and probably the most important part, to me).  Before I went to my appointment I was at homeschool park day.  I was talking to a few women about my appointment and the one woman shared how she lost two babies, got tested, couldn't remember what the diagnosis was called, told us she took a baby aspirin and got pregnant with her son.  Then the name popped out of her mouth- the same thing!!!!  Really?  REALLY!!!  What are the chances!?!?  I was on the way home from my appointment and just kept saying, "God you're so weird" through my tears.  It's a 'relief' to know sorta what I 'have' or what's going on but it also stinks that it really is something wrong with my body!  I mean seriously, what are the chances that a woman you're talking to an hour BEFORE your appointment blurts out the same name!!! 

Since I have shared this with people I've had a lot of responses from people who know somebody or have something similar.  I've gotten a lot of advice, some saying to get a second opinion and some saying to request the blood thinners anyway, etc.  I've also been asked if I was really going to try to get pregnant again (to which I responded, "Well, we don't prevent anything and I DO want a baby."  Zach and I really haven't had a chance to discuss it much, but my 'gut' right now is telling me I need to stick with what the doctor is saying.  I've heard of women (through Mommies with Hope) who took the baby aspirin and it didnt' work for them and they lost their baby.  I need to remember that it's different for each of us.  It will be hard not to compare me to them.  I will worry if I get pregnant.  And it's not like I want to lose another baby, I can't imagine that again, but at the same time if it did happen at least then we'd know the next step, if that makes sense. 

I'm still in shock.  I can't believe that after all this time, after these losses and this grief that I have an idea of what is going on.