Mending???

I think maybe I am finally on the mend. I took the Cytotec pills that I was so nervous to take and they did absolutely nothing. They were supposed to cause my uterus to contract to get everything out. I finally called the doctor last night and I went in this morning for another ultrasound. It was a relief to actually see with my own eyes that there really wasn't a baby in there. I guess I still had some hope that maybe all would be ok. I needed closure I think. But there is a huge blood clot in my uterus that still needs to pass. Luckily the doctor isn't big on D&C's (because I'm not either). So, I still wait for the physical part of this to be over. You know how at night when you are pregnant you lie in bed and rub your tummy thinking of the baby? Last night I started to do that and realized I have no baby in there. I bawled like a baby. I feel like I've gone through everything with having a baby yet have no baby to hold. Sure is an empty feeling. Yet I still have peace. Most of the time I rest in the fact that the Lord is holding this precious child and loving him or her. There are still some times though when I just want to hold that child myself and scream in my head, "WHY????".