Ok, so I keep updating you all on my physical issues. Which there aren't any. I finally sent out an email just telling people to check my blog. I guess I'm getting tired of answering emails and phone calls just to say that nothing has changed. Don't get me wrong- I LOVE that you all care and are checking on me. It means SO much to me. But, when things don't change...well it is so frustrating to have no news to report. Does that make sense? So, how am I doing emotionally? It depends on the moment. Right now I hear Cuddly Boy in his bed crying for a stupid clothespin- they call them clips and seem to love them. It is getting under my skin. I can't seem to handle the littlest things with my own kids lately. Every little thing bugs me. I mean I laugh at their cute antics, but if its something annoying or loud...forget it. Zach goes back to work on Monday. I wonder, will I be able to handle the kids? Now please, I'm not thinking of abusing them (or myself for that matter). I'm simply being honest. My hormones are probably so out of whack. My emotions are the wildest roller coaster ride. One minute I can be laughing and the next crying. One sentence I say I am fine and the next I'm having a hard time getting the words out because I'm bawling. Some people tell me that this is probably too emotionally draining for me...pretty much saying to just get it over with. But you know what? It's not constant. I have my good 'normal' moments at times. I feel fat. I can't fit into my normal clothes and who wants to wear maternity clothes now? It makes me mad. And I still have to get my 'normal' clothes out of the box and put away the stupid maternity ones. So, while at Wal-Mart I bought myself a pair of pants and a shirt...just something to make myself feel good. I don't care the brand, I just needed something to make myself feel better appearance wise. I'm finally 'back on my feet' with getting things done around the house. Cleaned the bathrooms yesterday. Back on track with laundry. Actually cooked dinner the past two nights. It is hard because sometimes I don't want to go on like normal. Because you know what? It will never be the normal it was on February 12th. Everything has changed since that day I went to my doctor appointment and now normal has to take on a whole new definition. And that is ok. There's a purpose I know, but sometimes it still makes me mad as all heck. Zach definitely has more faith in this matter than I do. When we pray about things together I can't even pray about this. What do I pray? How? Why? I know God hears, I know He has a plan, but it still stinks and I just cannot understand. Not like I'm supposed to understand anyway. But, it ticks me off at times. I know God will use this for His glory, but sometimes I just don't care about that. Does all of this make sense? I'm just being honest in how I feel. I keep talking about my physical state but I really haven't opened up emotionally. Tomorrow I will go to Gulf Shores, Alabama for an Above Rubies Ladies Retreat for the weekend. I wasn't sure if I should go, but they are my Sisters in the Lord. So many of them have already been a support to me, even across the miles, and I feel God prodding me to go (providing nothing changes physically). Some things may be hard. Seeing pregnant women. Babies. But I will have uplifting, hugs, tears and prayers lifted over me. I am a bit nervous to leave the area, but there will be a midwife there and there's also nearby hospitals. Ultimately I'm in God's hands and He will see me whether I'm home or there. See, as I even wrote some of this I was fine. But some moments I could have cried. I know this is normal for what I'm going through. It just doesn't make it any easier. Anyway, now that I got that out...
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
12 comments:
I know what you mean about it being easier just to not answer the phone. Sometimes, it's just easier to turn off the ringer and not bother. You are still and continually in our prayers! It sounds like the best thing is for you to go to that retreat, and do what you need to do for yourself!! Keep smiling!
I am so glad to hear you are going to the retreat. I really think you could use it right now. You're right you will be uplifted. I am sure you will be comforted by your sisters:-)
It is very hard to see God's plan. We are human and even if we know in our minds that God is always in control, our hearts are broken and we don't want to or can't think like that. Even Job cried out to God and asked "why?". I'm glad you are going to the retreat.
Sherry Randolph
Hey Jam,
You poor thing. You need to give yourself a break. Its ok to be mad and confused. You're not perfect. If you were then you would be God wouldn't you? :) What you're feeling is normal. I say be mad, rant, rave, cry, do whatever you need to. Its better than keeping it in. Like you said, God has a plan and only time will tell what that is. I hope this weekend provides you with the peace you so desperately need.
Hugs!
Jamie! Thank you for being so real and candid. That is the most honest account I have read of a mom going through a miscarriage. That is the kind of raw honesty you can take to the Lord. He can handle it! I think this retreat is God's timing. I pray you are surrounded and well loved on at this retreat.
Keep going. You will be happy you waited for God's timing.
Praying still,
Julie-Anne
You posted on my daughter's blog (Joelle) so I had to come "meet" who had visited her. Considering what you are going through, that was very kind.
I think you are doing the right thing in waiting, especially if you want future children. It can take several weeks, though, before your body would release your precious little one. I'm asking Father to help you through this. I agree totally with Julie-Anne that G-d is very well able to handle all your emotional outbursts and questions. His chest is very broad and I know I've beat on it quite a few times myself (though not for the same reasons). I'm just asking that you will know His comforting arms around you at this time. Enjoy the retreat. I'm sure it will be a huge blessing.
Love and shalom,
Serena
Hi Jamie! I am praying that the Above Rubies retreat will be a great blessing to you. I really think it is perfect timing so that you can have some comfort and joy from Him. Prayers for you!
Hugs,
Christine
This is my first time stopping over here so I wasn't exactly sure what was going on. I peeked through your archive and oh my word I am so sorry to hear about everything. I hope the time away will restore your faith completely and provide a little "pick-me-up" for you. I hope the emotional stuff levels out for you soon..you'll be in my prayers!
I tried to comment yesterday, but blogger was acting up. We'll see what happens today.
Jamie, thanks for stopping by. I feel bad having happy news to share when I read what you are going through. I really appreciate the honesty you have regarding what you are going through. So many of us would feel the need to put a Christian gloss over the pain.
I hope the retreat is a blessing for you. (((hugs)))
I hope you had a good weekend at the retreat (it's Sunday afternoon, so I'm guessing it's over). I hope you were comforted and encouraged.
Hope you had a great retreat!!
You are still in my thoughts and prayers!
HUGS
It does not seem right that the rest of the world has gone on status quo while your heart is broken does it?
I remember that pain and I simply could not understand why the world couldn't stop rotating and let me get off for a while. Your sisters in Christ are praying for you and crying with you. This is a big deal and you can only understand it if you have experienced it.
Enjoy your retreat, I am sooo envious! I am waiting for Nancy to make her way to PA!
Fondly,
Angel
Post a Comment