Note: This email contains things I've been struggling with. It comes from my heart and has not been proofread to be put in proper paragraphs, so it may jump from one subject to another.
Today marks a month that we laid Malachi's little body in the ground. In ways it seems like just yesterday, but it also feels like ages ago. I feel like life just continues (which it does), but I also feel like sometimes I don't want to move on. I feel like I just want to sit and think about my baby- what he would have been like, who he would have looked like, what it would feel to hold him in my arms, to comfort and nurture him. And I won't ever get those times to cherish with him. I feel like the rest of the world has forgotten that we recently lost him. Life just continues on as normal, and there is no mention of Malachi. Which is fine, at times. I don't expect him to be brought up in every conversation or email but he is never far from my thoughts. Even my children talk about him less and at times it grieves me. Just yesterday Little Man asked if I had another baby in my belly. Oh, how I wish. I keep thinking that in a 'perfect' world I already would have had the baby I lost back in August, so we'd be enjoying a baby in our home. In a 'perfect' world if that baby hadn't been formed then I'd be 24 weeks pregnant with Malachi. I'd be feeling him move, kick and hiccup. In a 'perfect' world Cuddly Boy wouldn't have broken his leg, because if Malachi hadn't died we would have gone to that friend's house back in February and not Monday when his leg got broken. Of course, this isn't a perfect world, but you do think of things like that (at least I do).
For the most part I am ok. I don't constantly think of Malachi (who has time with three other children). And that bothers me. I know I shouldn't be consumed with thoughts of him, but sometimes I feel like I should think about him more. Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm being punished by my babies being taken away and with Cuddly Boys leg. Maybe I'm not a good enough mom. I yell too much and don't discipline properly. I don't get down on the floor and constantly play with them. Sometimes I spend more time on the computer than doing things with my family. All of this eats away at me at times and I wonder if I'm just not cut out to be a mom and if I will even be blessed with more babies. I'm having the hardest time even picturing anymore babies in our family and that bothers me too. I'm fearful to get pregnant again (and don't anticipate 'trying' for awhile), but at the same time my heart and arms ache to hold a baby- MY baby- in my arms. I keep hearing news of other ladies expecting, and while I'm thrilled I'm also angry, jealous and sad. Why them? Why not me? Am I undeserving? Then all of that guilt sets in again about possibly not being a good enough mother. Or wife. I know there are things I should be doing that I don't do. There are things I do that I shouldn't. I know it all and yet I can't seem to change. Will I ever change? I know God wants better things of me, but how? When will I wake up and change my ways? You'd think I'd already have had a wake-up call.
Sometimes I feel forgotten. So many phone calls, cards, emails, visits in the 'thick' of our storm. But now? My phone barely rings. My inbox isn't as full. Visits? What are those? You see, my heart still hurts for the one I lost. Like I stated earlier, I feel like everybody else has forgotten. They don't have to live with the knowledge that their body is not as it should be. Which is a whole other problem of mine. I feel so fat. I hate my body. After all, it can't seem to continue a pregnancy when it should. My thighs are becoming thunderous...every step I feel like the boom, boom, boom gets louder. My waist disgusts me. Normally I have a baby, nurse and am tiny. Well, the past two times I've been pregnant, lost the baby, and while not gaining too much weight, I've also not been able to lose it. And it makes me mad. If I'm not pregnant, then I want to be skinny and to feel good about my body.
Another thing that has been bothering me is my social life, or lack thereof. What is a social life? How do homeschool moms socialize??? I know there are park days, field trips, etc, but what if those don't work out? I think I feel lonely. You see, in North Carolina and North Dakota I had close friends. Sometimes I think I have them here, but not always. Well, my friend, Angie, has been a dear to me and always calls to check up on me (and I appreciate that, Ange). But she's moving this summer. So, then what? Why can't I seem to just have at least 1 good friend. Somebody to talk to when times are tough. Somebody to pop in on spur of the moment. To share lunches, play dates, laughs and tears? In NC I had a friend, Kim. We were always together- our children always playing. I know life is busier as I have added on a child since then, in addition to having 'school' now, but homeschool moms still have close friends, don't they? Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself today. I miss my friends, my family, my babies. I feel inadequate in my life right now, like I just can't get a handle on things and do what I should be doing.
I just wanted to be honest. On the outside, I look ok. I look normal and sound like things are fine. And sometimes they are. But, I just feel such an inner battle right now. And I hate it. And I hate that I'm burdening you all with more of my woes. Well, if you don't like it, then just quit reading my blog...because its MY blog!
Friday, April 13, 2007
The Battle Within
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9 comments:
I can't say I understand the loss of a baby because I don't. I can't tell you the things that people who can relate to you, can tell you about what a rollercoaster ride a miscarriage is. But sometimes I do feel allot of the other things. Inadequacy of being a mother. Not spending enough time with the kids. Feeling like something is missing. Feeling lonely. Not having friends. When we were still in, and living in NC and Hawaii, I had certain groups I hung out with. In NC I had a couple really close friends and in Hawaii, I didn't. Now here, I have 1 or 2 close friends, but not the kind who you consider so close you just open up to and let it all hang out. Ya know?? I also think God will bless you guys with many many more children. I think you two are meant to be parents and God sees what wonderful people you are. You have 3 great kids now, and are very blessed. I hope you feel better soon, I feel so sad for you, but just know that Malachi is being hugged and held by the most wonderful of people. He definitaly is in the most wonderous place there is..in Jesus' arms. And I believe he is sending you kiss after kiss, you just have to close your eyes and feel the small whisper of breath hit your cheek!!! Chin Up!!
Jamie,
I cannot imagine all of the pain that you are feeling.I am so sorry that you and Zach have had to suffer so much loss. Please do not think for one minute that you are being punished for your inadequacies. I fall so short daily, I struggle with the same things you struggle with. I get so frustrated with myself when I fail, and sometimes I think that maybe God is upset with me. But regardless of how many times we fail, nothing will ever change the truth that He loves us more than we can imagine. You are a precious child of His; you belong to Him. Just cling to that dear thought. I will keep you in my prayers, dear sister-in-Christ.
What you need is a big ole hug:) I 100% know how you are feeling right now. We lost a baby 7 yrs ago Feb. 24th the day after my bithday, golden birthday to be exact. Her name is Eva, she was full term, and was so beautiful with a head full of dark brown hair (she looked like she had a wig:) She was still born and died just hours before my scheduled c-section due to a cord wrapped around her wrist (she did too many flips in there) Anyway, we had the phone calls, cards, visits..... They lasted maybe a month, and same as with your little angel Malachi people gradually stopped calling, and mentioning her name:( There were days (and still are) that I just cried myself to sleep thinking of what she would be doing right now, and what she would look like. And now I think of how my Hannah would have the perfect playmate being only 14 months apart. And yes I think why did God take this baby from us so soon, is there something I am being punished for? I recieved a card from someone which I really loved it said, "Some children are chosen to watch over us from a place of eternal play" That card gave me a little sense of comfort. But anyway, you are not alone, and people will never forget your precious little Malachi, I know I won't:) I have a picture of my little Eva Marie on a web site, it's called the missing angels foundation in case you want to check it out, be prepared to cry though, get yourself a box of tissues:) By the way I am glad I am not the only one who thinks I yell too much at my kids:)
Jamie,
Where do I begin. The loss of Malachi has been such a sad spot in my heart since you called to tell me. I remember Nick looking at me and I quietly said that your baby passed away....the look he gave me was one of such heartache for you and Zach. Nick has just told me about talking to Zach the couple days before at school and how excited he was to become a Daddy again and how proud he is of you.
I will never forget Malachi. Sharing your sorrow and loss of him will forever be with me. Knowing that I was with your little ones when you were delivering him was such an honor for me. Just to look at each of them and think of what Malachi would have from looks of them. I still think he would have looked a lot like Little Man, I thought that right away from your ultrasound pics.
Thank you for sharing with me everything you need to. I will always be here (no matter where I live---and believe me after reading that I was already bawling and that just makes me want to stay and swoop you up like a mama hen).
You have done nothing to be punished for. The way I look at things like this is, these little angels are sent into our lives to, no matter how short of a time that may be, to show us love and pureness and then go on to be our angel watching over us.
Get some good sleep and next week let's do a playdate at the park---no more cold hopefully!
I love you!!
Ang
Jamie,
Tears are streaming down my face as I read this post. It will not make you feel any different but I can echo your thoughts. I have never had to bury a baby, but have lost three and it was horrible.
I KNOW what you feel when you wrote,
"Maybe I'm not a good enough mom. I yell too much and don't discipline properly. I don't get down on the floor and constantly play with them. Sometimes I spend more time on the computer than doing things with my family. All of this eats away at me at times and I wonder if I'm just not cut out to be a mom and if I will even be blessed with more babies."
I bet if you polled 10 women, 9 of them would feel the same. I have never had the honor of meeting you in person, but reading your blog for a while now has shown me just how devoted you are as a wife and mother. I yell too much too, I am on the computer too much as well, my floor is too dirty and my meals are not always nutritious. But you and I serve a King who knows the desires of our hearts and that we want to serve Him as Proverbs 31 women, if only we could get over the being human part. Satan delights in us belittling ourselves. We are daughters of the most Holy King my dear sister and your want to be the best wife and mother you can is so apparent to Him and everyone else. Cry when you need to and hold your children tightly!
You have not been forgotten, you are still in my prayers!
~Angel
Jaime,
I can identify with everything you wrote. You are completely normal in what you are going through. I went through everyone of those emotions when I lost my baby. For me, one of the hardest things of the miscarriage was that it was so private. Most people don't realize or remember the pain. On the day my baby was due, I wanted to stand up in church and yell! "How can you people sing and smile and laugh when my baby was supposed to be born today??"
It will get better. It was about a full year before I could go a day or two without always thinking about the baby and his death. It was about that length of time before I discovered I did not have to feel guilty because I did not think about him all the time.
It will get better. Keep hanging onto God and His promises.
Elizabeth
I sometime feel like if I complain too much on my blog that people will get sick of it and not come back. But ya know what?? It IS your blog and part of the bonuses of blogs is that you get all sorts of friends from all over that can encourage you. And find people who feel the same way and know you are not alone. I hate reading blogs that are always "life is great, nothing goes wrong" because then I feel like either I have a really crappy life, or they are lying.
I feel so bad for you and what you are going through. I am glad that you are honest on your blog. This way people can encourage you and help you through this, and pray for you. Just remember, it's only been a month. Give yourself some time. Try not to be so hard on yourself. At my homegroup the other day, I was convicted of my self pity. I slip so easily into "poor me". I have been trying to think more of how God sees me. It's sooo hard! My husband told me, God sees me as perfect! He can't see sins! He doesn't look at the physical! That is so hard for me to comprehend, but it's true! Try and see yourself how God sees you. Let me know how it goes because I am having a really hard time with it(pmsing). (((HUGS)))
I can certainly identify with you on the inadequate mom syndrome thing. I, too, feel I yell too much, don't play with my kids enough, am on the computer too much etc. None of us are perfect.... we just try to do the best we can and sometimes we don't even meet our own expectations but ya know what? Your kids are very forgiving and they will not hold it against you if you're not the perfect mom (who wants a perfect mom anyway.....imagine trying to live up to that image!) You're allowed to grieve over little Malachi and you're allowed to not just pick up and carry on as if nothing happened. You're going to have more little ones, Jamie. You're such a great mom! Just give yourself a break and don't try to be perfect...just do your best and don't worry if you slip up here and there. You're only human!!
{{{Hugs}}}
You're way too hard on yourself!! Being pregnant and having all of those hormones messing you up is bound to make you feel like a wreck. I'm sure what you feel and your innner turmoil is normal. Maybe it would help if you were able to take some time for yourself - at least to go out and exercise. Not being happy with your body on top of everything else is like the bad icing on the cake. :( I feel for you and wish I were closer.
Hope things start looking up soon.
Love Jod
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