My thoughts today

Boy how I wish I were having another baby. As I was putting Abby for a nap I was just thinking of how blessed I am. I'm so thankful for the children I've been given, but I still long for more. It's always been my dream to be a mommy and I can't imagine being 'done'. We'll see what God has in store with it all I guess. Next week I go to a doctor to discuss testing. I have no idea exactly what that appointment entails and can't wait to go.

The rain came earlier today than they predicted so we didn't get to go to the park. I got a movie for the kids (Furry Vengeance) and they had a picnic for lunch on the living room floor and watched the movie. They liked that and I was glad I thought to do something for them rather than just say, "Too bad, deal with it." I feel like now I'm beginning to live life more instead of just going through it. It took 11 weeks! I'm still not 'there' and I know it takes time but I'm thankful to be "forcing" myself to "Just do it." It's not always easy and I don't always do what I should or may think of doing just because. It's just not me to be this way, but I'm getting there.

I don't think I mentioned here that I began seeing a counselor. I guess it's not something I want everyone to know ;) I considered it before the whole possibility of deployment came up and once that arose I took action! I asked a friend from church if she recommended anybody and she said the counseling pastor from church. But I didn't want a pastor nor somebody from church. I did want a Christian, however. I just didn't want to constantly be told Scripture repeatedly...as wonderful as God's Word is. I called Military One Source and talked to a lady there and she referred me to a local counselor. I've gone twice now.

The first time, just upon looking at her I thought, "Oh boy does she ever look like a shrink!" and wondered what I was getting myself into. She was laughing about how we had to meet in this other room, not her office, because they were moving filing cabinets. She just kept laughing about it, but I couldn't understand the funniness in it! So I was like, "Oh great, I got this quack of a woman I'm supposed to spill my guts out to?" Anyway, she did the whole intake and yadda yadda, I talked a bit about what was going on (it was the day after or the same day I found out that Zach WAS for sure being deployed). I met with her again this past week and upon seeing her again I thought, "WHY am I doing this???" But when I left I just felt relieved. I even got myself some McDonald's on the way home- even so far as to go inside and order it! I felt so 'free' to be alone for a bit!!! So, we'll see how long I go and all. I'm allowed 11 sessions but that after that my insurance would pay for it. I think its much better than going on the depression meds the dr. prescribed for me, at least at this point. I won't have an appointment this coming week because it's going to be a crazy busy week, but I'll go again the week after.

Last night I went to another Mommies with Hope meeting. I'm so glad I went. During the day I was thinking I just wanted to stay at home, but as the time drew nearer I knew I should go. They're planning a retreat at the end of October with Lysa TerKeurst speaking and I'd really love to go to it. At first I thought I wouldn't want to go because that's right around my 'due date' and I thought about getting away with just Zach or something. But I think it'd be great for me to be with this group of women and I don't know that I want to wait until the end of October to have some alone time with my hubby! I'm really craving that lately and am rather bummed that we just don't have the finances to do that. At first I was looking into cheap plane tickets for a long weekend somewhere. Then I was just looking into like Kansas City or something, which is 3 hours away. Finally I just began to look into Des Moines. I think for us to get away for a night or two alone would be wonderful. Much needed. Rejuvenating. Best for our relationship and that with our children. Imagine if we could do it before I began school, how refreshed I'd feel to begin a new year!?!? Hmmm....I may really have to try to twist his arm on this!