Difficult

I wasn't really looking forward to my appointment today, but little did I know how emotional I'd get. I could barely walk in the door. Thankfully I got to go to the office near home, the one where I haven't been while I was pregnant. I didn't want to go to the big office, the one where I'd found out the news, the one where so many pregnant women would be. At least here I didn't see a single pregnant person! That was great!

It seemed like I waited forever. I sat in the waiting room for quite a bit and then again after the nurse brought me back to a room I seemed to sit and sit and sit. I hate when they do that- they tell you 'undress from the waste down' and then you're sitting there for like 10 minutes pretty much naked! Lovely! Anyway, I had to hold back tears when talking with the nurse. I'd never seen her before, not sure if she knew my 'story' but still...just being there. I tried to not look around the room, tried not to notice the ultrasound machine sitting next to the table I sat upon. When I was weighed I couldn't believe it- over 10 lbs more than my normal weight! I haven't been eating the healthiest, I admit it, but sometimes I just don't even eat because I'm just not very hungry. I remember gaining weight after I lost Malachi too, but don't recall how much. I know I wasn't this heavy when I went to deliver Nathaniel, that's for sure. Talk about disheartening and annoying!

As soon as the doctor walked in I pretty much lost it, crying. I hope she doesn't put 'postpartum depression' on my chart like they did the last time this happened! She checked to make sure everything was ok, talked about how the chromosomes were fine when they checked it out and asked about birth control. I have her this article, that my friend Angie found, but she said its probably unlikely since it doesn't run in our families. I still may call the number on the bottom of the article though. She said we could always do genetic counseling but that usually insurance doesn't cover it, so I may check with our insurance. I really, really just feel like this isn't another 'fluke' thing that 'just happens'. Yes, I know God has a plan and all that, but I just feel like something's gotta be going on that I lost TWO babies at 14 weeks like that, another who died around 8 but I didn't lose until 12.

The doctor was so sweet, even gave me a hug when I got up to leave. I walked outside and the tears just wouldn't stop falling! Good thing I didn't have very far to drive because I couldn't see a thing with all the tears! She asked if I'm doing ok, I just told her I was emotional and it was hard because I was there, its not like I'm constantly in tears! I don't have time to just sit around and cry with my other 4 kiddos at home!

On a bright note I got my mothers ring today!!! I had 3 stones added to it- it's amazing how much bigger it looks! I'll have to try to get a good picture so you can see. But even when I picked that up (which was before the dr. appointment) I about began to cry, thinking of the three stones on there, the three babies in heaven. I did cry a bit on the way home.