~F~I~V~E~

After I posted yesterday about waking up sad my mom called to tell me that Malachi and Nathaniel were going to be buried that day at noon. I just cried. Burial equals finality, to me. I'm so glad Malachi was finally moved up to Michigan, but to think that my pregnancy is really over with Nathaniel...I don't know sometimes it is still just a shock to me. Rather than counting up to my due date I'm counting the weeks that have gone by...today marks 5 weeks since we found out. I should be 23 weeks pregnant today :(

The only ones who were at the burial were the grave diggers, Sue (the lady from the funeral home), my mom and Hannah. Sue said a prayer, they all said The Lord's Prayer. I guess Hannah got a bit teary eyed. As soon as my mom called when it was over I lost it again. I was overcome with such sadness and emotion, but it felt so good to let it out. I'm finding I'm able to do that a bit easier these days. There have been days when I want to cry but I just can't!

I didn't want to do anything yesterday. We had a get-together for our small group but I was not in the mood to be around people. I didn't want to fake being happy or bring people down or even really see anybody. I just wanted to 'be'. Zach had brought home some work to do anyway. We watched a movie once the kids went to bed. I think maybe I kept keeping myself so busy that now all I want to do is be with my family. Or even my closest friends, those I can really open up to.

It's almost the middle of July (well it will be before we know it) and I still have to figure out school stuff for next year! I like to try to shop ebay or something for it all so I should get on the ball, but who can even think about that stuff? The only uncertainty I have with it all is with history. My kids haven't been enjoying The Mystery of History so we need to take a break from it. I'm just not sure what we'll do, but I think I'd like to focus on American history. Any ideas, please throw them out there!