The Waiting Game

I know considering where I was a year ago at this time I shouldn't complain, but boy oh boy can the baby make her appearance yet!?!  I'm so tired of being so sore!  I already have sleepless nights.  I just want my back/side/ribs to feel normal again.  I want to meet this little girl.  I want to get labor over with.  There are so many unknowns that I just want it done!  (Who will end up watching the kids?  How long will it take?  Will it start in the middle of the night?  What about the kids?  How much pain will I be in?  Will it happen before my doula goes on vacation?  The kids?).  Ugh!  I just want it behind me.  I want to hold my little girl in my arms, kiss her and love her.  And please know I'm THRILLED and THANKFUL to have carried a baby to term!  I know so many of my friends who are just aching for that right now.  At the same time, if you've ever gotten to the end of a pregnancy you know just how I feel.  I can't even move without grunting!  People are starting to get on my nerves with comments like, "You look great", "You look five months pregnant", "When are you due?", "Any day now" and on and on.  Maybe I look great to YOU but I feel huge.  I've never weighed this much in my life!!!  Sure my stomach isn't that big but have you checked out my thighs or butt!?!  Ugh!  Disgusting!  Any day now my butt...I've been telling myself this for weeks now.  Now the days are just dragging so slowly it's like a big joke.  Every night I go to bed I think, "Maybe this is the night."  I hate waking up in the morning being the same!  Well, not exactly the same for it seems like every day I have more and more pressure down there.  So, that's where I'm at today.  Waiting, waiting, waiting.  And I've never been very good at that!  I know she'll be here soon and I won't be able to imagine what life was like without her, but in the meantime...

I hate this!!!

I hate this whole thing.  Who'd ever think they'd be pregnant with their 5th (living) child and their husband is across the world in a combat zone!?!?  As I approach my due date (I am SO ready) I can't help but get emotional knowing my husband is not here to take part in such a special day.  I mean, who misses the birth of their baby!?!  I know it happens, but it sure stinks that it is happening to me!  So, I've been a bit of a mess over it all the past couple of days.

This morning I woke up totally in a nesting mood.  I got rid of the dresser in the boy's room and put their clothes in some Rubbermaid bins under their beds and bought some collapsible type bins for under their table.  Much more room in there and I can hope that their room won't accumulate so much junk.  You should've seen the garbage I took out of there!  And it hasn't been that long since I cleaned it!  Ugh!!!  Sure feels good to have it clean, but I'm guessing it won't last long. 

I wish these braxton hicks would DO something!  I'm so ready for this baby!  If nothing else it will give me a break from the little ones under my roof.  My mom will be here in a few days so it'll be nice to have an extra pair of hands to help me out. 

I put the kids to bed early tonight.  I'm just too tired of dealing with their behavior.  I am down here typing this and crying.  I'm just tired.  Exhausted.  On so many levels.  And here our day started out good...going to church, eating lunch out and buying the new things for the boy's room.  Why, why, WHY does it have to end on such a crappy note?

Mean Mom

Maybe I'm meanie.  But seriously, it's math and my kids have GOT to finish it.  It's critical information they're learning, ya know?  So, about 4 times a week they have to do two math pages.  Hannah only has tests left.  Gabe has 2 or 3 chapters.  They both can finish their work easily in an hour or less.  I know every child is different, but why does Josiah have to be so different?  It takes him ALL day to do his work (2 pages) and he still has about 6 chapters left.  I want them to be done with math as I hate math...I don't want to be dealing with this all summer long.  All day Josiah works on his 2 math pages (and mind you sometimes there are only 10 problems on a page).  Really.  I cannot sit by him all day when I have three other children, laundry and housework.  As it is I'm so tired and feel like I don't keep up with things like I used to (hmmm, maybe because I'm doing this whole thing alone and 9 months pregnant).  The other day when I was able to sit by him he did 1 page and worked quickly and efficiently, getting the problems right.  But I can't continually do that.  He needs to learn to work, ya know?  I'm at a loss what to do.  This is the one child, I hate to say, that I just do not enjoy homeschooling.  I feel so bad saying that.  I feel so mean.  But it is so true.  As I sit typing his brother and sister just came up from the basement and he's extremely distracted.  When they were in the basement he was busy looking out the window at the sky.  How do I keep him from being distracted!?!  I can't constantly keep the noise/chaos/kids away from him!  I am so frustrated!  And sure, maybe I just could say "Forget it" but he really needs to get this math down!  Last year he started this years math late because he had to finish the previous year's math.  I don't want to do that again and be doing math next year until July!!!