I'm gonna try to make this a quick post so I can go up and read! It was a good day, overall. The kids were anxious to begin school. I awoke waiting for my children to wake up and just lay in bed savoring the quiet and praying for a good day. I read my Bible (on my ipod) for a bit also! What a wonderful way to begin! Josiah wandered into my room first and asked if it was my birthday. He hugged me and wished me a Happy Bday. Abby woke up and was totally hugging me and I got her to attempt to sing her version of Happy birthday! She's the only one who sang to me today, aside from my mom over the phone :) Even my kids call the grandparents and sing but they didn't sing to mama :( Hannah came in with her handmade card. When Abby saw the cupcake sticker she began to blow out teh candle! So funny! Gabe wandered in and after like 5 minutes asked if it's my birthday. We all laid in bed for a tiny bit and then wandered downstairs. After breakfast we got ready for the day, did a few chores and then began our first day of school by reading the Bible and praying! The kids did pretty well in school today and it went fairly quickly. I'm sitting here wondering if we did everything we were supposed to! The first lessons always go quickly though, since they're review. Abby sat at the table coloring and playing with counting bears and wasn't any hassle at all! I didn't have too many tears or complaints. They were actually EAGER to do history! That is a FIRST in SO long. They were so tired of the history we did last year. I'm so glad I've changed it up! I am loving it also. I'm so thankful for the pretty good day we had. Zach took a half day and brought us home Taco Bell and after Hannah's softball game tonight we went to Chinese! I was totally craving it for like a week since I smelled it on an elevator at the hospital. Mmm those ragoons rocked. Even Abby loved them. Oh, when we prayed this morning I asked Abby to pray and she covered her eyes with her hands and babbled. The only word we understood were in the middle, "Da wook" translated as 'Dad work' which is what she says to me multiple times a day and first thing when she wakes in the mornings! I love that girl :) Our neighbors/friends came to Hannah's softball game tonight and that was nice! Zach got me more Willow Tree figures and a Family Feud game for the computer :) My mom sent me some money :) It was a blessed day! I wondered if it'd be hard...sometimes these celebratory days are, but it wasn't. The other night I started crying in bed thinking of how old I am! LOL Ok, goodnight everyone!
Monday, August 30, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
I have so much I could blog about. I could blog about the fun we had yesterday playing tourist in our backyard. Or I could blog about the scavenger hunt we had fun planning for the couples in our small group. Or I could blog about Abby having no appetite lately and constantly pooping her pants. Or I could blog about tomorrow...
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Today I took the two younger ones to their well-child checkups. I'm not too keen on these appointments, I think they're a waste of time, but alas I did it. Alas must be my word of the day as I wrote that in my last post also. Alas (lol) I must continue. Gabe had to get 4 shots. He did not want them. He cried. He hid behind the table. I held onto him but it did no good. He cried. He screamed. I couldn't console him. I was holding him, watching his sweet face and then I almost began to cry. Poor kid. Poor mom. And here I almost started Abby's shots today...I'd really have been a mess! I want to start slow on hers so I need to look into it more and figure out where I begin. I told Gabe I'd get him a cookie or something at the store. He picked out a doughnut (a lot cheaper than a candy bar!). The older two were jealous. They were mean. On the way home everyone was still carrying on about it and Gabe retorts, "You guys were born before me so you got more stuff!" Oh man did I bust up laughing. How true is that! They've had more than him in their 'longer' lives ;) Smart guy, good logic! The older two are still talking about their lack of a 'treat'. I bought ice cream bars but they're not getting any because they can't have the right attitude. Ya snooze, ya lose. Boy, am I a mean mom today...
I meant to get on last night to wish my 'baby' a Happy Birthday but alas it didn't happen! I hope it doesn't make me a bad mama ;) I can't believe that little Abby is TWO! Wow, when I was talking about it seeming like just yesterday when I had Gabe, it seems like it was a few hours ago that I had Abby!!! What a HUGE blessing she has been to us! This is something I wrote down the other night as I was feeling emotional looking through pictures from the day she was born:
How has it been two years have gone by? Seems like just yesterday when I glimpsed your tiny face for the first time. It has been an amazing, fun-filled two years, as we watch you learn and grow. I can't remember what it was like before you were a part of our family. You are such a treasure, such a blessing, a gift, a light. I'm so thankful, so very thankful to be chosen as your mama. I only wish time would slow down so we can watch you grow and learn in slow motion, reveling in each day, basking in your beauty. Thank you, Jesus, for this gift...not only is she her fathers joy, as her name means, but a joy to us all!
That sums it up. She brings so many smiles to my face. I love watching her grow. When you have a child amongst losses, in this case amongst three losses, I think you just appreciate them so much more!
For her birthday she opened a gift in the morning- a new car for her dollhouse and a new Mommy & toddler! We got ready for the day and I packed a picnic and we took a walk, me taking pictures of the kids along the way. We played at the park for awhile, at our picnic, took more pictures and walked back home. I put Abby for a nap and she fell asleep right away- what a tired little gal! After her nap we played outside for awhile. We ate frozen pizza for dinner- Abby had two pieces! She loves her pizza!!! Then we went to watch Hannah play softball! She scored one of three hits for her team and we were so proud of her! Afterwards we came home and Abby opened more presents, one of which is her new pony. Then we sang Happy Birthday and had cake. It was bath time and then she wasn't ready for bed, the stinker. She played a bit and then fell asleep on daddy on the rocking chair! I think she had a fun day! I know I did as I tried to make it special for her :)
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Today I finally had my appointment with the perinatologist (a maternal fetal medicine specialist or high risk OB). I had no idea what I was going to be walking into, other than that I knew I was going to be meeting with the doctor and I thought it was an hour long. I met this doctor 2 years and I day ago as she's the one who performed my amnio with Abby. I thought she was wonderful and gentle back then...today just proved that point even further. Wow. I was just amazed at the time she took to sit and talk, to pour over my history, my records, to ask questions and to agree with me that there must be some sort of medical thing that is causing me to lose babies in the second trimester. She's the first doctor to not say, "Well, these things happen." I've just felt so strongly since Nathaniel's death that there has got to be a reason why my body cannot carry all my babies past a certain point. And I also wonder how I was able to carry Abby to 36 weeks (opting to have her that early) after losing the two babies before her. I KNOW that God is the giver of life and He's the one who controls our womb. BUT I also feel like we have modern medicine and we can take advantage of that. I even told the doctor (after she explained that she can not 'work magic') that we know God has a plan but we're still wanting some answers.
Anyway, she seemed so knowledgeable and more importantly she had a plan in place for me! (And come to find out this appointment was called 'pre-concept counseling). When I made the appointment I was in no place to THINK about getting pregnant, I just wanted some answers. Now I'm a little more open to it and I suspect that by the time I get some sort of results in a month or more I'll be even more open to it.
Well, back to her 'plan'. They're testing my thyroid and doing some other blood tests. One is called Antiphospholipid Antibodies. If I do have this I'd have to take baby aspirin every day and give myself two injections a day (when pregnant) of heparin or something like it (blood thinners). Scary stuff. But amazing that there are things like that out there. If I don't have that she'll continue to dig for answers. I'm just amazed and thankful that there are doctors out there willing to work to try to help women like me find some answers.
It is so hard to believe that six years ago today I gave birth to Gabriel. How does speed by like this? I remember that day like it was last week. Contracting. Calling my friend Sheri to come stay with the kids. Wimping it on the way to the hospital, declaring I would definitely be getting an epidural. The tiny 'closet' I had to birth in. The many 'students' in there during delivery. Waiting forever for my real room so I could go and show Hannah and Josiah their new brother. How has that been 6 years? I remember when we left the hospital driving the 'long' way home and just about tearing up. How on earth would I care for three children??? Was I capable of that! What were these people thinking letting me take this baby home?
I'm so thankful the Lord blessed us with Gabe. What a wonderful, delightful little stinker he has been! He's our first baby we co-slept with! He's so funny the things he comes up with! Even today when I was asking him about being six he said, "I feel taller." Then he looked at his sandal on his foot and exclaimed, "WOW! This fits me better!" Where do they come up with this stuff??? On the way home from the store I was talking about old people and driving nad how many of them probably shouldn't be driving because they may be blind (not able to see well) He pipes up, "Well when I'm old if I'm blind I'm gonna ask Jesus to help me to see!"
He opened his gifts this morning and has been busy building since. He got to play Wii, watch TV, eat pigs in a blanket for lunch. He requests Ihop for dinner. He picked out the cake mix and frosting and is looking forward to digging into his cake!
Gabriel is very creative with building things with his Lego's and Bionicles. He draws really well and will often be found at the table making new pictures. He loves to watch TV and play Wii. He loves to find songs on the radio and will often run downstairs telling us some tidbit he heard! He loves to play with the dog and get her all hyper. He also doesn't mind her continuously licking him (yuck). He loves to eat and is always asking for snacks or declaring he's hungry. He's excited to be 6 and I think he's excited to begin a new year of school! I'm so thankful for my little guy!!!
Sunday, August 22, 2010
I discovered, or rather rediscovered, a site that has so many encouraging articles...I could be there for hours! It's linked on my sidebar and it's called Ladies Against Feminism. I'm currently reading a book called Passionate Housewives Desperate for God (LAF is one of the authors' sites) and it is so wonderful and filled with so much truth- very eye opening indeed. It is so difficult in our day and age to be grounded in the truth concerning our roles as women. This book totally hits the nail on the head- how encouraging! It just solidifies for me that I'm doing what God has called me to do!
Here's a snippet from it:
Friday, August 20, 2010
Boy how I wish I were having another baby. As I was putting Abby for a nap I was just thinking of how blessed I am. I'm so thankful for the children I've been given, but I still long for more. It's always been my dream to be a mommy and I can't imagine being 'done'. We'll see what God has in store with it all I guess. Next week I go to a doctor to discuss testing. I have no idea exactly what that appointment entails and can't wait to go.
The rain came earlier today than they predicted so we didn't get to go to the park. I got a movie for the kids (Furry Vengeance) and they had a picnic for lunch on the living room floor and watched the movie. They liked that and I was glad I thought to do something for them rather than just say, "Too bad, deal with it." I feel like now I'm beginning to live life more instead of just going through it. It took 11 weeks! I'm still not 'there' and I know it takes time but I'm thankful to be "forcing" myself to "Just do it." It's not always easy and I don't always do what I should or may think of doing just because. It's just not me to be this way, but I'm getting there.
I don't think I mentioned here that I began seeing a counselor. I guess it's not something I want everyone to know ;) I considered it before the whole possibility of deployment came up and once that arose I took action! I asked a friend from church if she recommended anybody and she said the counseling pastor from church. But I didn't want a pastor nor somebody from church. I did want a Christian, however. I just didn't want to constantly be told Scripture repeatedly...as wonderful as God's Word is. I called Military One Source and talked to a lady there and she referred me to a local counselor. I've gone twice now.
The first time, just upon looking at her I thought, "Oh boy does she ever look like a shrink!" and wondered what I was getting myself into. She was laughing about how we had to meet in this other room, not her office, because they were moving filing cabinets. She just kept laughing about it, but I couldn't understand the funniness in it! So I was like, "Oh great, I got this quack of a woman I'm supposed to spill my guts out to?" Anyway, she did the whole intake and yadda yadda, I talked a bit about what was going on (it was the day after or the same day I found out that Zach WAS for sure being deployed). I met with her again this past week and upon seeing her again I thought, "WHY am I doing this???" But when I left I just felt relieved. I even got myself some McDonald's on the way home- even so far as to go inside and order it! I felt so 'free' to be alone for a bit!!! So, we'll see how long I go and all. I'm allowed 11 sessions but that after that my insurance would pay for it. I think its much better than going on the depression meds the dr. prescribed for me, at least at this point. I won't have an appointment this coming week because it's going to be a crazy busy week, but I'll go again the week after.
Last night I went to another Mommies with Hope meeting. I'm so glad I went. During the day I was thinking I just wanted to stay at home, but as the time drew nearer I knew I should go. They're planning a retreat at the end of October with Lysa TerKeurst speaking and I'd really love to go to it. At first I thought I wouldn't want to go because that's right around my 'due date' and I thought about getting away with just Zach or something. But I think it'd be great for me to be with this group of women and I don't know that I want to wait until the end of October to have some alone time with my hubby! I'm really craving that lately and am rather bummed that we just don't have the finances to do that. At first I was looking into cheap plane tickets for a long weekend somewhere. Then I was just looking into like Kansas City or something, which is 3 hours away. Finally I just began to look into Des Moines. I think for us to get away for a night or two alone would be wonderful. Much needed. Rejuvenating. Best for our relationship and that with our children. Imagine if we could do it before I began school, how refreshed I'd feel to begin a new year!?!? Hmmm....I may really have to try to twist his arm on this!
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Here's another funny from one of the boys (I forget which one). Last week my neighbor called and asked if I could watch her grandson for a bit. I agreed and was pretty excited as he's just a little baby (about 5 months old I think). I told the kids I was going to baby-sit and one of the boys said, "You can babysit?" I just cracked up and asked them what they thought, since I do have 4 of my own children! Kids!
"Our faith gives us the sure hope of seeing him again, but the hope does not take away the pain."
-Gregory Floyd, A Grief Unveiled: One Father's Journey Through the Death of a Child
"I just wish everyone would quit quoting the Bible to me"
-The mom in the movie 'Letters to God' I have to agree...I know Scripture is GREAT, it is God's Words to us, but it doesn't always comfort our broken hearts...
Another thing from the movie 'Letters to God'...the Mom says to Tyler, "Nobody could replace you." Tyler says to mom, "You know God picked you. He picked you to be my mom." Amazing. Nobody can replace the babies I've lost...not even new babies. They'll all hold their own special places in my heart. And I know that God chose me to be a Mama to these sweet babies that never breathed a breath on this earth, but who were formed by God's holy hands.
Last night at Hannah's first softball game Josiah looked to the field and says, "Is Hannah on stage?" LOL
The other day an old friend from Mississippi stopped through. She and her two daughters are travelling across teh country and we were on the way so we opened up our home to them! Not only was it good to see her again, I was so encouraged! First, it felt wodnerful to cook a meal again, not just knowing it was for my family but also to bless someone else. I haven't done much cooking since June...and I finally managed to get a menu made up, groceries bought and now have an abundance of food to make! It was also wonderful knowing we were blessing someone with a free place to stay. But, even moreso the conversation was so uplifting and I was just blessed. They are missionaries who currently pastor in Ohio. It was so cool to hear the stories about how God has provided for them every step of the way, in so many different arenas. She talked about trusting God. Oh, how difficult it is for me to truly TRUST HIM. I tend to worry more than trust. As if I don't know that He has it all in His hands, I still worry! He knows what will happen in 2 hours, 2 days and 2 years. Shouldn't that bring me comfort??? It should, but it doesn't always! It was almost more confirmation about one of my previous posts about just simplifying things. I've lost my focus. It's not on God, its not been on Godly things, but on the things of this world...earthly things. Of course some of it attributes to my anger with Him. But, I feel like I'm getting somewhere. Like the fact that I can even think like this and blog about it...the fact that I FINALLY picked up and read my Bible yesterday after not doing so in like 2 months because I've been too angry...the fact that I began a book I've been wanting to read for some time about being the Godly wife/mother/homemaker God desires me to be...baby steps.
Monday, August 16, 2010
After reading my friend, Jamie's, post I remembered I had to tell you about my latest Craigslist freak-out. I listed a few items a few days ago. Here's an email convo:
Jorge: hi i want to buy you duoble stroller can you send you phone number or addres
I emailed him back telling him I could meet him at a gas station (its where I meet these people, right down the road from me, so they don't have to come to my house). I wasn't going to provide my # but thought maybe he was desperate for the stroller ASAP (which was cool with me, its $50 I could make), so I threw my number in there too. I never give out my addresses. After everything I wonder if this freak were trying to attain it and that freaks me out.
Jorge: i call you and iis not enter can you call my number is 515 262 XXXX (number provided)
I called the number and it rang and rang and rang. I emailed back letting them know I tried to call and then I'm really flexible about meeting up with people. No reply since. It just creeps me out. Was it some sicko trying to get my info so they could who-knows-what? I don't even want to think about it!
So, beware of people on Craiglist! Never give your address!!! I did give a guy off of freecycle my address once but that's because we had a washer and I always make sure Zach is here when they come!
There's this gal I kinda 'know'. I've mentioned her in the past, I believe. Her husband died over 6 months ago from cancer. She's a young woman with two young children. Back on Valentine's Day I brought her and her children some goodies, even though I had never met her before that. She probably thought I was a nutcase! I also sent her a few messages via facebook letting her know I was praying for her. I read her blog too. I wonder what she thinks of me!!! I saw her at Hy-vee today and went up to her and said hi. She was probably like, "WHO are YOU and why do you bother me???" I told her my name and reminded her who I was and that I go to the same church. I talked for a few minutes, but left wondering what she must think of this crazy woman who doesn't even know her! I hope she just knows that I pray for her often, I think of her often and I can't imagine the road she is walking down as a widow. I wish there were more I could do for her, besides pray. But she probably thinks I'm just a nutcase...
I haven't blogged about the kids in awhile so I thought I'd do so, not only for you all but also so I can remember some of these things! I'll start with the youngest.
It is hard to believe Abby is going to be 2 next week. I could cry just thinking about it. I think it's even more difficult to fathom because I won't be having a baby in a few months. She's been definitely showing that she's almost two because she's been throwing some mighty big fits. She screeches really loud. I hate it...its almost like her innocence is gone or something! She loves to play with Hannah's old dollhouse I took in the living room. I seldom see her playing with her other toys anymore! She also loves to color! When I bought school supplies I also bought her her own pencil box, crayons and notebook. If any one of us sits at the table to do something besides eat you can bet Abby will be sitting in her chair coloring! The other day she was playing with this clock puzzle she has with Zach. I was in the kitchen and I heard her say "3" and she had had a 3 in her hand or was putting it on the puzzle. She also said a few other numbers on her own! She is SUCH a little sponge- I love hearing her copy things we tell her! One day she opened the drawer in the table next to my bed and took out my earbuds for my ipod. I looked over and she stuck them up in her ears and began to dance around!!! There was no music- it wasn't even plugged in to anything yet she knew that you put them in your ears to hear music!!! She's such a delight!!! She also has discovered how to get upstairs through the gate. We have nowhere to latch it so we just put it there, and its always worked for both her and the dog. Well, she figured out you can just slide it over a bit and sneak on up the stairs! She does great on the stairs but still it makes me nervous!
Gabe has been a little stinker lately. He and his brother seem to always be fighting or hyper or something. It is very aggravating. I just wish they'd get along! He still loves his Legos and Bionicles. He's ready for his birthday, which is also next week. He loves to put on Josiah's radio and listen to music. Yesterday as I was in their room making their beds he had on one of their CD's and was singing, "Oh no you never let go, through the calm and through the storm." I love hearing my children sing songs to Jesus!!! Last week he came downstairs and said, "Mom, they said on the radio something about football coaches and your favorite football coach!" He was all excited and I think wanted to participate in whatever it was :)
Josiah has been incredibly trying. I feel like he and I just butt heads. He has such a bad attitude if I correct him on something or discipline him. It breaks my heart! It isn't always this way with him, just sometimes. All the kids loved to play Guitar Hero with Zach. Josiah's almost like a natural the way he holds the guitar! I don't know if he copies the characters on the TV or what, but boy has he got the stance down :)
Hannah is now playing softball. At practice last week the first time they went to practice batting she actually hit the ball on the third try! I was impressed! Now that it's not going to be as humid this week hopefully we can get outside with her and practice. She seems to enjoy it so far. You can tell which girls have been playing for awhile (most of them) and so sometimes I just feel bad for her that she's 10 and still learning! She's been having a lot more attitude about things, which I really need to work on. One day she asked me if this little white bump on her hand was a wart (Gabe has a wart). I told her yes it was, even though it wasn't. She then says in a snotty voice, "Thanks alot Gabe for spreading your seeds!" Oh man it sounded so funny the way she said it and we got a good chuckle out of it (but she did have to apologize to her brother after we told her we were kidding)! This morning she came into my bed and the first thing she said to me was, "Mom, I think I'm growing boobs. I think I need a bra." I busted out laughing!!! I think I know where that came from...my friend, Lynne, stopped through for the night with her girls who are 10 and 8. From talking with Lynne, the 10 year old is already needing a bra and such. I'm not sure and Hannah wouldn't admit it but I'm assuming the girls had a conversation about such a thing! I don't think Hannah's to the point yet where she needs one, but maybe I should double check ;) Aaaahhh my kids crack me up!!!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
This is my 1500th post! HOLY COW! BUT back in the day I used to blog a lot of pictures. These days I'm not able to for some reason (maybe because I did so so much back then?). I'm determined to make this a 'good' post, not a 'pity me' one. This is gonna take some work here, so bear with me :)
Last night I had the privilege of reading Joy's blog (or maybe its her hubby's?). I really enjoyed catching up with her family :) I met Joy years ago at an Above Rubies retreat in Alabama. I admit that I don't know her too well, but with seeing her at a few retreats and with facebook we're still friends/sisters in the Lord :) I love hearing about her family and the "Rev" as she calls her hubby! Reading her blog led me to other blogs and led me to just be encouraged. Not in my present trials necessarily, but in life in general. It helped me to refocus my thinking a bit. I'm thinking I need to read some Godly blogs more often (in addition to God's Word).
Let me elaborate a bit. Most of the posts I were reading were from LARGE families showing us their homes, having an open house! How cool! I love seeing people's homes. I love large families (I desire to be one)! Well, first I saw Joy's home. It made me want to move into the country, to simplify life. I love her front porch! I could just picture her sitting there with her children as they splash in the pool or read next to her. As I gazed into others' homes I was even more encouraged, yet convicted.
It is so difficult not to get caught up in the 'things of this world'. Nice cars, new homes, big TV's, etc. Now I know I'm not as materialistic as some people out there, but at the same time I'm more than I want to be. I seem to go through these phases in my adult life, from simplifying to hoarding. From being different to being like the Jones'. From being in the world to being set apart from the world. Now, being a Christian doesn't mean we need to live in shacks and ride bicycles to work, but at the same time we should share what God has blessed us with! I often say if I have a big home one day (haha ya right) I'd love to open it up to God's people- missionaries, youth, people in need of a place to stay. I often think I could 'never' live in the 'country' away from the conveniences of fast food, Wal-Mart and the like. There are some days where I just like to get in the car and go somewhere because I need to get out (yesterday was one of those days). At the same time maybe if we had a home in the country we'd 'enjoy' it more. Maybe we'd have shade where we could be outdoors more often, enjoying God's creation. I would love for my kiddos to be outdoors more often rather than in front of the TV. I would love for myself to be outdoors more often instead of on the computer :)
Another thing I've really been encouraged in is homeschooling. I joined a homeschool co-op and got to go to the meeting the other night. It is just so encouraging to hear how others began homeschooling and to be in agreement. I just haven't been myself lately and haven't enjoyed my children and the thought of teaching them is so daunting. I've not been disciplining how I should, I've allowed too much TV, etc. It IS summer, I'm NOT me...so things just haven't been GOOD (at least in my mind). Sometimes I even feel embarrassed about taking my kids around other homeschoolers, wondering how they'll act! But to be around these women and then read homeschooling things on these blogs, that was cool. Refreshing. I always like the beginning of a new school year, there's something kinda exciting about it. I really need to get me back on track so we all can get there and learn, not only educational things but more importantly grow closer to God and as a family.
Speaking of homeschooling, I finally ordered the rest of our books for the year. I'm really excited for our history, which is funny because I never did like history in school! I kind of made up my own history for the year, which will consist of:
- The Light & The Glory for Children, which was GIVEN to me with a workbook/coloring book (thank you Cheryl)
- American Pioneers & Patriots, which we'll use for both history & reading
- A Child's Story of America
- Exploring American History, which is a 5th grade book
I like CBD's website because it allows you to look at sample pages. I'm not sure if we'll use both of the last two books or what. They both look pretty similar, but I'm assuming the 5th grade one provides more information. I would love all of us to do history together rather than separately so I need to review it all and make it all work together (like when we cover Christopher Columbus we'll use all 4 books if they apply).
I have most of our homeschooling items bought, though I'll take advantage of Staples Teacher program coming up. We also need pencils, I believe. I bought this little cabinet from a garage sale- it has 3 shelves inside with a door. Each child has one shelf with their school books on it and their school supplies. I put a childproof lock on it to keep Abby out of it, but also bought her her own crayons and pencil box to store them in, along with a notebook. That little girl loves to draw! It's fun getting ready for school but we probably won't start until after Zach leaves.
So, I hope this post made sense (and didn't bore you to death). I just really want to simplify my life and enjoy my children! Pray :)
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
He's going. I can't believe they're making him go. Here we just said the other day we doubted they'd make him go. I was starting to hope. Wow, what a joke. Hope for what? My hopes are always dashed. Hope for a baby and he's taken from me. Hope for my hubby to stay and he too is taken from me for almost a year. He'll be in dangerous territory. Will I hear from him often? Probably not. I'll be so worried about him every day that goes by that I don't hear from him. Will God take my husband from me too? How can I not ask that in light of all that's been happening. You'd ask it too I'm sure. I just am really standing on shaky ground. WHERE is GOD? YES, you can tell me all the verses until you're blue in the face but I NEED something TANGIBLE right now. My heart is so very broken. I don't know if the pieces could ever be put back together at this point. I can't believe this is happening. I can't believe this is my life. How will I do it? What if I don't want to? What if I don't want to be strong for my children? What good can come out of a man leaving his family (a distraught wife AND children) and going to WAR? I feel like life is crumbling all around me. Every little thing worries me these days, I'm certain I'll be a mess when he's gone. The crazy thunderstorms we have every night cause me to be so paranoid. One night I brought all things I didn't want to 'lose' into the basement in case there was a tornado. There weren't many...pictures, jewelry, the 'treasures' from my 'lost' boys. Now we have another thunderstorm outside. They're so how I feel inside and yet now they freak me out. When I was a kid I was terrified of thunderstorms, but I outgrew that. Now I'm horrified once again. And I keep having tornado dreams. Fear. So many fears. Anybody wanna take these shoes and walk in them?
Wednesday, August 04, 2010
- I hate that I'm doing this in bullets but I have so much to say and this is the easiest way to do so.
- Today marks 4 years that I miscarried baby "Grace". It also was the due date for Malachi. He would be three. Tough day.
- Yesterday marked 2 months since Nathaniel was delivered.
- We were told last Wednesday that Zach was going to be deployed and had to leave THAT weekend. We got the training pushed back to the end of August. He's supposed to train for 2 months and then go straight overseas for 9 MONTHS. What a cruel joke.
- I broke down and called Military One Source. I talked to a counselor and she hooked me up with a local one. I have an appointment next week.
- Some people associated with his work are trying to work to get him taken off of this since we just lost our baby 2 months ago. I had to go to the doctor and we had to go to Offutt AFB today to talk to a Major about everything. So, some people are at bat for us in that this is the worst time possible to deploy.
- We know his time is coming and we're ok with that. It's just now is the time I need him most. He is such a HUGE help with the kids and emotionally he's my rock right now. I fear I'd really fall apart if he left (I'm barely hanging on some days). So the timing in this whole thing just rots.
- It's been trial after trial after trial and I'm exhausted on 100 different levels.
- We got to go to our first Mleko family reunion in Michigan. It was fun. We could've done without the bee sting which sent me going 80 down this little ol' highway to get Zach to the ER. Now he has to carry an Epi Pen. It was great meeting some family I've never met and seeing some old faces!
- We stayed in Green Bay one night on the way up and on the way back home. We got to go to the Packer Training camp one night. That was pretty neat!
- Hannah began softball practice tonight. She was nervous, but eventually she began to get it as they taught them throwing and catching.
- I'm sure there's like 100 more things I could tell you but my mind is so full of mush these days I just can't think straight. One day I'll get back to normal, huh? Please tell me so!