Tuesday, August 10, 2010


He's going. I can't believe they're making him go. Here we just said the other day we doubted they'd make him go. I was starting to hope. Wow, what a joke. Hope for what? My hopes are always dashed. Hope for a baby and he's taken from me. Hope for my hubby to stay and he too is taken from me for almost a year. He'll be in dangerous territory. Will I hear from him often? Probably not. I'll be so worried about him every day that goes by that I don't hear from him. Will God take my husband from me too? How can I not ask that in light of all that's been happening. You'd ask it too I'm sure. I just am really standing on shaky ground. WHERE is GOD? YES, you can tell me all the verses until you're blue in the face but I NEED something TANGIBLE right now. My heart is so very broken. I don't know if the pieces could ever be put back together at this point. I can't believe this is happening. I can't believe this is my life. How will I do it? What if I don't want to? What if I don't want to be strong for my children? What good can come out of a man leaving his family (a distraught wife AND children) and going to WAR? I feel like life is crumbling all around me. Every little thing worries me these days, I'm certain I'll be a mess when he's gone. The crazy thunderstorms we have every night cause me to be so paranoid. One night I brought all things I didn't want to 'lose' into the basement in case there was a tornado. There weren't many...pictures, jewelry, the 'treasures' from my 'lost' boys. Now we have another thunderstorm outside. They're so how I feel inside and yet now they freak me out. When I was a kid I was terrified of thunderstorms, but I outgrew that. Now I'm horrified once again. And I keep having tornado dreams. Fear. So many fears. Anybody wanna take these shoes and walk in them?


Amie said...

When Justin is deployed he talks to Kylie over the computer with skype all the time. Maybe Zach will be able to do that too?

Jenn said...

Girl, I feel ya. I was just last night asking God to please 'show me something'. Our patience seems to run so thin. He will bring you through this, He will show you the tangible....just trust in His timing. It stinks on our end, but when you get to the end, you'll just say "WOW! He was so caring, merciful and wise to do that." I imagine some of that won't come until we all meet Him in the clouds. Hoping with you that that day is soon!

Kim said...

This couldnt of came at worse time for you guys. Prayers for you, the kids, and Zach. When Jess was Iraq, he called me just about ever day, even if it was only 5 mins.Its enough just to see they're safe. Ne strong. you'll make it through it.