Wednesday, July 28, 2010


Thanks to Erica for guiding me to this cute blog!!!


I keep reading in my books (books about losing a baby) about the people that come into our lives through a loss. I'm so thankful for those people...people I wouldn't have 'met' until this. Even the lady in Michigan from the funeral home has been a blessing to me...I know she probably has my boys' names written down, but to know their names, to speak their names- it simply means so much to me! Sometimes Satan lies to me, taunting me, "Where's your support?" but I know it is here. Those who unfortunately have walked this road I'm on, who can pray, who know how I'm feeling, I'm just so thankful for you. Thank you. I think of the song (I think its by Ray Boltz, its an old one) that says, "Thank you for giving to the Lord..."

Monday, July 26, 2010

Should Be's

I should be packing for our weekend, but I'm sitting. I have the worst lower back pain EVER! I don't know how it happened- it was fine when I woke up this morning but then all of a sudden I could barely walk! I went to the chiropractor this afternoon but it still hurts. I REALLY need to be packing!!!

I should be 'getting better, getting over it' by now, but I still have so many difficult moments every single day. I know its a lie, the above statement, but sometimes I feel like that's what the 'world' thinks. I *know* my Nathaniel is in a better place. I *know* God has a plan in this all, but it still doesn't take away the pain.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

It's only July...

and it has been the suckiest, worst year for our family. Here's a rundown:

  • Stepdad broke his ankle and was laid up for a long time
  • I lost Nathaniel
  • Father-in-law diagnosed with emphysema
  • Father-in-law had triple bypass surgery
  • Grandma diagnosed with emphysema
  • Another Grandma broke her back
  • Stepmom broke her toe
  • Grandpa just had angioplasty
  • I also just found out about some serious issues (not health related, but could totally end up that way) with a cousin on my dad's side that are so heartbreaking to me

I'm afraid to even ask 'What's next?' I was just telling my mom on Thursday when she told me about my Grandma's back that God totally orchestrated her to get laid off when she did (and she's not going back to work). She's been a nursemaid to so many, and then BAM, her dad ends up in the hospital! I'm just tired of it! I don't know how people who DON'T know God hold on in times like these. I may only be holding on by a thread, but I know He's carrying me through it all. And I'm certain I've missed a few items on this list also.


Yesterday was such a FUN day! Our small group leaders bought all us families tickets to Adventureland and yesterday was the day we went!!! We'd never gone before and the kids were super excited to try some roller coasters. First we went on the Giant Skywheel (pretty much like a Ferris wheel), just the three older kids and I. It was fun, although at first they were a bit nervous about the height. We also went in the Teacups. I was dizzy coming out of those. We had Abby go on some little kiddie rides. We were so hot so we headed to the waterpark. Hannah and I went in the Typhoon- what a BLAST that was! I took Josiah on the blue/green waterslide. Part of it was pitch black, then you come out in the open and are going up the walls- it was crazy fun! Zach took Gabe on the purple slide and the kids played on the big kid thing and waterslides. I took Abby down the lazy river and she LOVED it. Too bad she's afraid of sprinklers- she didn't want to go in anything! We then were cooled off and went back to the coasters- Hannah and I went on the Outlaw, in which I laughed SO hard. I think the last time I laughed like that from such excitement was when I was in college on a jet ski! Josiah and I went on the Tornado. Wow, I didn't expect it to be so crazy. He was freaked out! He was just screaming, "Get me off! I think I'm going to die!" I was trying to hold onto him, laugh and not freak out myself! What a thrill! Then afterward, we looked at his picture- oh my his face looked so freaked out and all I can do is crack up about it! He then told me, "I thought I was going to meet my destination" then corrected himself by saying, "Destiny. I thought I was going to die." I busted up laughing at that! Zach took Hannah and Gabe on the Log Flume and then Josiah, Gabe and I went on it. The older kids and Zach went on the bumper cars while Abby and I watched. We were getting ready to head out of the park to meet the group for dinner when we spotted one of those old fashioned photography studios, so we walked in and had even more fun! The pictures were so cute! We had a GREAT dinner with our group and thankfully were under a pavilion because it began to pour and was lightning and thundering a bit. When we left to come home the sky was just crazy looking- and to the south there was nothing but big cracks of lightning everywhere. It was awesome! We all hopped in showers/baths and headed to bed. It was a long, humid, super fun day! What a blessing our 'leaders' bestowed upon each of our families!

**I tried to upload pics here but it wouldn't work...check out my facebook for some pictures.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Seeking Answers

Can you believe its been 7 weeks since I lost Nathaniel? And as I told my friend yesterday, this week is much more difficult than last week. It totally just comes and goes, the waves of sadness, grief, whatever you'd like to call it. Maybe it's also because I've been 'dealing' with it in a different way- I have a referral to a perinatologist to do some testing. I want to get genetic testing done, which this is NOT (we'd have to go to Iowa City for that). I'm not sure if some of the tests they want to do I've already had done with Malachi, but they're looking over my records. I am so VERY thankful that we have good insurance that covers this stuff! So, having to deal with it, talking with them about my loss(es), being asked by a few different people "Are you pregnant?" has left me raw again. The perinatologist's office staff seems wonderful though- and a cool thing about it is its the same doctor who performed my amnio when I was pregnant with Abby. I still feel like I just do what I can to get by. I keep thinking I should do this or that (little things around the house) but just am not very motivated.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010


I'm finally reading again. I just read the last two Karen Kingsbury books from the Above the Line Series. Good stuff, but I was bawling like a baby! I began a library book last night. I don't like the books that have really, really long chapters. This has 'breaks' here and there, but I really like where you can end a reading session at the end of a chapter, not in the middle of one! Ok, maybe its rather nerdy to post about books, at least Zach would tell me so ;)

Speaking of books last night I ordered some homeschool books. I finally got up the ambition to begin looking! I ordered them from ebay and saved probably like $30! LOVE it! I'm still trying to figure out what to do about history. I received an email from a lady who runs one of the homeschool books 'libraries' (she has the books at her home) so hopefully I can go there and check out some of the things I'm interested in.

And on another book note, Becky has published a book! I knew she was writing a book but now she's published! Congrats, Becky! And what perfect timing for me! I already ordered it. I "met" Becky is some online adoption groups as we were both in the process of adopting from Liberia. God closed the door on that to both of our families. I can't wait to be blessed by this book!

Monday, July 19, 2010


So earlier after I'd called some adoption agencies I just sat here crying. The kids were in the basement (well Abby was napping) and had no idea. All of a sudden Gabe came up here (my tears were dry) and sat next to me. He put his arm around me and asked if I'm feeling ok. Talk about sweet!!! Did he know how sad I was feeling? Then I just watched a video somebody shared on facebook about the organization Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep and I was crying so hard. Abby came up, even before I began crying, and gave me the biggest hug and kiss on the mouth and then sat with me for a bit. Gabe, from across the room, asked if I was crying. These kids are so intuitive! It just amazes me! I love their sweetness!!!


So last night my neighbor/friend came over to tell me she's pregnant! I am super excited for her. At the same time I'm SO sad for me!!! She's like the 5th person in a week that I found out is pregnant. It seems like lots of neighbors, everybody at church, everybody on facebook...and the ones that aren't pregnant have babies. Ohhh it just hurts, it aches, it stings. I just don't get it!

We've been tossing around adoption again. I can't remember if I mentioned that before. I called a few places today. Not sure if we'd even 'qualify'...having 4 children, living in a 'small' house (there's no way a child would get their own room). I just feel so lost. My hearts desire all my life has been to be a Mom. I'm SO thankful for my children, so blessed beyond measure. But I want to mother more than these! I know God's desire is for women to have babies, to be mothers, to train them up in His ways. So then why can't that happen? Sometimes I let Satan get in there, telling me its because I'm not a good enough mother.

That's another thing. When will I get off my butt and DO things with the kids? Sure, we've been busy doing lots of fun things, going lots of places. But I mean doing things like baking cookies, reading, art...I just have no desire to do anything like that since I lost Nathaniel. I have to push myself to cook dinner and I've only done that a few times!!! I feel like it will never get easier. I feel like I'm just failing. Then I think about school...its already almost the end of July and I've got nothing ordered, researched or anything for school. Yikes! I feel like it takes so much effort to do such little things that I can't do big things like that. I hate it. I hate being like this, feeling like this. I even entertained the idea of putting them in school, just for this year. But why, just so I could sit on my computer all day? How selfish of me!!!

I am thankful for some things I accomplished today:
-I made an appointment for Gabe's wart that hasn't gotten better

-I called my dr. office to ask for a referral to a geneticist (I found this info on our insurance site: Chromosome analysis (to include karyotyping and/or high resolution chromosome analysis) in some cases of habitual abortion or infertility
-I planned park days for our homeschool group for 2 months!
-I called a few adoption agencies and got a bit of info
-I even found all the housing at the bases Zach put on his dream sheet!!! That was more of a fun thing
-Laundry, lots and lots of it

I'm sure there was more I was going to post, its just a matter of not being able to think. I've had to stick Abby's toys in their swings numerous times, been asked numerous times by Hannah about printing pictures and just have such a distracted brain these days. How on earth will I prepare for a short camping trip/family reunion to MI when I can't even think???

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Ya just can't escape it...

Today was a good day. We drove a little over an hour away to Iowa Falls and met up with a former coworker of Zach's. Mary worked in MS with Zach and we hung out with them a few times. She was in Iowa visiting family with her two boys so we went and met up for pizza. Then we went to this swinging bridge they have there- it was really neat. It was a nice little visit and not even bad of a drive. When we got back to town Zach wanted to drive through the neighborhood we always go and look at open houses at. There's this new house that's not completed yet but we saw somebody pull up to it and asked if we could look at it. Turns out the guy was the builder and he was more than cool about it- even with our 4 kids! Wow, I think that one is my new favorite!!! It wasn't even complete and I FELL in love with it! Of course its like $300,000 MORE than what we paid for OUR house so totally out of our league...we just like to dream :) The part of the basement that was finished was bigger than our whole house!!! Yet the house wasn't like a mansion-like or anything! I really wish we had a bigger home so we could be hospitable. I told Zach that if we had a house like that we could house youth for conventions and things like that- that would be so much fun! Another cool thing about it- underneath the front porch is a tornado shelter!!! Coolness!

We then decided we'd see if our sitter could watch the kids. We came home and I took a nice little nap. Then we went to Panera for a bite to eat and decided to go to the movie. We had a great time! At the end of August it will be our turn to 'host' a night for our small group. We each, as a couple, get to decide what we do that night. So far they've had a BBQ/picnic at the 'lake' and a gym night. We came up with the coolest idea...but I don't want to share here in case anyone from my group reads my blog ;) I wish we didn't have to wait until the end of August to do it! lol

We went and saw Grown Ups. I wasn't sure how it'd be because some Adam Sandler movies are such trash. This was SO FUNNY! I don't think I laughed that hard at a movie since 4 Christmases! Totally worth going to watch! And you know the movie 'Meet the Parents'? There was a preview for 'Little Fockers'! FUNNY! Anyway, right before the movie began I heard this lady behind me who'd gotten this phone call. I didn't hear what she was saying, but then a few minutes later I heard her again, saying, "She's here. Six pounds such and such ounces, no height yet." Then she must've made another call and I heard it again. Can I just get away from things like that??? That was a tough moment. I want to be the one with a 6 pound baby to love and hold! Speaking of babies, SO many more people are announcing on facebook that they're pregnant so I had to go ahead and hide some of their comments for now. It's just so difficult. Not as difficult for those who've been pregnant for awhile like a few of my friends here, but for the newly pregnant people it just hurts (some of them anyway). I'm happy for them, but sad for me. Anyway, I don't wanna end a good day on a bad note. I'm thankful for the good day we had.

Dreams, dreams go away...

I haven't really felt like blogging these days. Anyway, I had the weirdest dream this morning and before I forget about it I want to blog about it. Here goes:

My mom had a baby boy. It was her baby. I must have not seen him much, if at all, as I was very sad about it all. We were all at some sort of place where there were different rooms, lots of people, a pool...almost like a combination school, hotel, mall or something? I don't know. Anyway, finally I had this feeling I just had to see the baby now. So I try to find her and can't and I text her. We meet up in this hallway or something and Kim (my stepdad) is carrying him. I grab for him and just look at him and I think I start to cry. He also has on an outfit that I bought at a garage sale for Nathaniel, the only outfit I've kept. I remember then being in a pool with him, just looking at him and feeling so happy, feeling like he was mine. Then rather than sitting in the shallow end of the pool where I was I began to walk toward the deep end. I spotted my parents and then realized I was supposed to have the baby- but I couldn't find him anywhere. I freaked out looking at the bottom of the pool, fearing the worst. Somehow he was somewhere safe and we were relieved.

We then were marveling at him and maybe he was going to eat? I can't remember if I was trying to nurse him or what? But his mouth was really weird. My mom was saying something about sticking a finger in his mouth and massaging it or something. Then I looked at his mouth and it was real red and huge, swollen like or something, with some weird things hanging out of it. Then we noticed blood and I was saying maybe his mouth was bleeding, but we couldn't figure out where from so we dismissed it. Then again we saw blood in the pool (even though we weren't in the pool anymore) and freaked out and decided we needed to get him to the ER right away. Then I woke up.

How crazy, freaky and just weird. I attribute some of it to the fact that I was reading a book about a lady who's pregnant before I went to bed. I read online on our local news about teens drowning in a town pool, and some things we talked about at Mommies with Hope Thursday night. I don't know, it was strange and I couldn't help feeling when I woke up like my baby was 'taken' from me because what kind of mother would I be, allowing my mom's baby boy to almost drown? UH, I HATE that feeling and I know its not true...dreams are so weird!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010


I wasn't really looking forward to my appointment today, but little did I know how emotional I'd get. I could barely walk in the door. Thankfully I got to go to the office near home, the one where I haven't been while I was pregnant. I didn't want to go to the big office, the one where I'd found out the news, the one where so many pregnant women would be. At least here I didn't see a single pregnant person! That was great!

It seemed like I waited forever. I sat in the waiting room for quite a bit and then again after the nurse brought me back to a room I seemed to sit and sit and sit. I hate when they do that- they tell you 'undress from the waste down' and then you're sitting there for like 10 minutes pretty much naked! Lovely! Anyway, I had to hold back tears when talking with the nurse. I'd never seen her before, not sure if she knew my 'story' but still...just being there. I tried to not look around the room, tried not to notice the ultrasound machine sitting next to the table I sat upon. When I was weighed I couldn't believe it- over 10 lbs more than my normal weight! I haven't been eating the healthiest, I admit it, but sometimes I just don't even eat because I'm just not very hungry. I remember gaining weight after I lost Malachi too, but don't recall how much. I know I wasn't this heavy when I went to deliver Nathaniel, that's for sure. Talk about disheartening and annoying!

As soon as the doctor walked in I pretty much lost it, crying. I hope she doesn't put 'postpartum depression' on my chart like they did the last time this happened! She checked to make sure everything was ok, talked about how the chromosomes were fine when they checked it out and asked about birth control. I have her this article, that my friend Angie found, but she said its probably unlikely since it doesn't run in our families. I still may call the number on the bottom of the article though. She said we could always do genetic counseling but that usually insurance doesn't cover it, so I may check with our insurance. I really, really just feel like this isn't another 'fluke' thing that 'just happens'. Yes, I know God has a plan and all that, but I just feel like something's gotta be going on that I lost TWO babies at 14 weeks like that, another who died around 8 but I didn't lose until 12.

The doctor was so sweet, even gave me a hug when I got up to leave. I walked outside and the tears just wouldn't stop falling! Good thing I didn't have very far to drive because I couldn't see a thing with all the tears! She asked if I'm doing ok, I just told her I was emotional and it was hard because I was there, its not like I'm constantly in tears! I don't have time to just sit around and cry with my other 4 kiddos at home!

On a bright note I got my mothers ring today!!! I had 3 stones added to it- it's amazing how much bigger it looks! I'll have to try to get a good picture so you can see. But even when I picked that up (which was before the dr. appointment) I about began to cry, thinking of the three stones on there, the three babies in heaven. I did cry a bit on the way home.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Where I'm At

We had a really good weekend. Saturday morning we went to the Summerfest parade. It was so fun watching the kids' excitement! Abby really liked it too and it was great seeing her wave to the people and dance to music! My kids were so sweet with their candy- often giving it to the little boy next to us- and they still came home with a ton of candy! The boy's mom commented on how our kids are the most polite kids she's ever met (she must not be around many kids was Zach's comment)! We came home and just relaxed. The boys and Zach worked on making their new Lego's, Hannah played quietly in her room and I read and napped with Abby. That evening we went to the little carnival and blew some money on some of the games there. What a rip off! The kids had fun playing games though! They won a few cheap carny toys. Then we went to Wig & Pen for dinner- yum their pizza is awesome!

Sunday we had a great sermon in church- one I really want to go back and listen to and meditate on. The music was so fitting to 'me', yet also difficult. Sometimes I have to just hold back from singing so I don't cause a flood of tears. Other times I just need to marvel at the words of the songs. Sometimes its just difficult to sing the words. Last night a friend from college, Jenny, and her two kids plus another kid that's with them came to stay! They're on their way back to Oklahoma from Michigan. The kids are having a blast together and its been fun to catch up with Jenny. I'm amazed at how well the kids play- sometimes you just never know how well kids will get along! They'll leave tomorrow morning.

Speaking of tomorrow...I have my doctor appointment. I'm a bit nervous. I just have so many questions and I hope I remember to ask them all! Plus I STILL have my period and I really don't want to be 'checked' during that...maybe they'll hold off and still answer my questions! We also have ID appointments at the reserve base to get new military IDs and I have my 31 Gifts party. A busy, busy day tomorrow will be. I'm hoping to get to relax a bit also, and to prepare some food for the party and I still need to find a sitter for the kids! Yikes!

Emotionally, sometimes I'm doing ok. I'm still not 'good' though. Will I ever be? So many questions still swim through my mind, and it seems new ones keep popping up. It is still so difficult to see pregnant women and they're pretty hard to avoid! We just really desire to have a baby, still. Please pray for direction, that God would lead us to do what He desires.

Friday, July 09, 2010

Hip Hip Horray!!!

Hannah's home at last! We left yesterday afternoon and drove to a suburb of Minneapolis where we met up with my parents and Hannah. We had a good time going to dinner, swimming in the pool and hanging out a bit in the hotel (we had adjoining rooms, though I'm not sure Papa liked that too much)! Today we went to the Mall of America. We only went to go to The American Girl store and Legoland but we also walked around Nickelodeon Universe. It was SO fun watching the enthusiasm of Hannah in the AG store! I hope she fully absorbed it- it seemed she kept bouncing from one thing to the next! Her doll, April, got her hair done while we shopped around. Hannah picked up quite a few things today and we even got Abby a Bitty Baby Twin with blond hair and blue eyes! Next time we need to go on some of those rides- fun! We also got to 'see' Spongebob & Patrick. We spent wayyyy too much money on the kids today, but it was worth it!

We had a good ride home and stopped at this big Cabela's store in Owatonna, Minnesota. It's not nearly as great as the new Bass Pro Shop they just built around here. We also ate a great 'linner' at some nearby restaurant.

Zach had to pick up his car in Ames, since I met him at work. On the way between there and home I turned on our local Christian radio station. God was SO in that music! EVERY single song was meant for me...and I bawled a good portion of the way home! First was this Third Day song talking about God being there in teh sadness when no one else understands. Then that Blessed Be the Name of the Lord song by Matt Redman I mentioned not too long ago. Then I'll Fly Away. Seriously, I sobbed my eyes out on that one. THEN the one I blogged about What Faith Can Do. Really, God??? He's sure trying to get my attention!!! I needed that. Now to listen!

Wednesday, July 07, 2010


After I posted yesterday about waking up sad my mom called to tell me that Malachi and Nathaniel were going to be buried that day at noon. I just cried. Burial equals finality, to me. I'm so glad Malachi was finally moved up to Michigan, but to think that my pregnancy is really over with Nathaniel...I don't know sometimes it is still just a shock to me. Rather than counting up to my due date I'm counting the weeks that have gone marks 5 weeks since we found out. I should be 23 weeks pregnant today :(

The only ones who were at the burial were the grave diggers, Sue (the lady from the funeral home), my mom and Hannah. Sue said a prayer, they all said The Lord's Prayer. I guess Hannah got a bit teary eyed. As soon as my mom called when it was over I lost it again. I was overcome with such sadness and emotion, but it felt so good to let it out. I'm finding I'm able to do that a bit easier these days. There have been days when I want to cry but I just can't!

I didn't want to do anything yesterday. We had a get-together for our small group but I was not in the mood to be around people. I didn't want to fake being happy or bring people down or even really see anybody. I just wanted to 'be'. Zach had brought home some work to do anyway. We watched a movie once the kids went to bed. I think maybe I kept keeping myself so busy that now all I want to do is be with my family. Or even my closest friends, those I can really open up to.

It's almost the middle of July (well it will be before we know it) and I still have to figure out school stuff for next year! I like to try to shop ebay or something for it all so I should get on the ball, but who can even think about that stuff? The only uncertainty I have with it all is with history. My kids haven't been enjoying The Mystery of History so we need to take a break from it. I'm just not sure what we'll do, but I think I'd like to focus on American history. Any ideas, please throw them out there!

Tuesday, July 06, 2010


I forgot to mention recently how we've already lived here in Iowa for 2 years! It's so hard to believe that much time has gone by! I'm thankful for all the people God has brought into our lives here. Even before we moved here I had friends (thanks to the internet). From churches to homeschool groups to friends I've met here or there its been awesome. I like that there are things to do here- good shopping, a bit of outdoor things, some smaller museums, a zoo. We live in a great neighborhood and have great neighbors. But I'm already beginning to get that 'itch'. I know much of it has to do with the loss of Nathaniel. I barely felt this way before everything happened. Now I just wish we lived on a base, had a military community and support system, especially when it comes to dealing with loss and the recent things going on at Zach's job. And to think we'd live in a probably new and much bigger house really makes me want out of here! I'd totally miss my friends, especially my two closest ones! Last night my Aunt & Uncle stopped in for a bit on their way to Oklahoma. My uncle is retired from the Army so they know all about military life. I love moving around and seeing new places, meeting new people, making a new house our home. So, pardon me while I itch a bit and think of the two remaining years here!

Cuddle time

This morning I awoke to such sweet cuddles and hugs from Abby. I loved every bit of it. But then my mind went to the cuddles I'll never receive from Nathaniel, the sweet times I'll never get to hold him or nurse him or hold him close and comfort him. It still breaks my heart. I miss my baby! Not to give you TMI, but I got my period yesterday. I'm trying to not be bitter about it as I think how I should be pregnant, not have that thing! I guess my body is 'on track' since its been a month, but why can't it be 'on track' when it comes to pregnancy. I've had some really good talks with people recently, my friend Kim who lives all the way in Georgia and my sister-in-law and I had a good talk, cry and prayer time on the phone. I'm so thankful for the people God had placed in my life at the right time to say the right things. It doesn't happen too often these days ;)

Sunday, July 04, 2010

More Lyrics

I've heard this song in the past, but the other day after I had lunch with a friend this song was so timely as it came on the radio after our conversation. You can listen to it here. The lyrics just spoke to me that day as I sat and wondered, "Now what?" I still don't have the answer to that question, but anyway here are the lyrics. Well, I was going to paste them but its a mumbo jumbo so click here to view them!

Saturday, July 03, 2010


I'm proud to be free, but so many of the freedoms that this country was founded on have been taken away from us or are slowly being taken away and that is scary.

I'm proud to live in a country that was founded on Christ, but to think how far this country has fallen causes me to cringe and lose a bit of that pride.

So you see, throughout the years slowly my pride for America has waned. I'm so thankful for those who have come here long before us to begin a nation that can freely worship Christ, but what has happened to that nation? Where are the values that were instilled in the children of William Bradford and the other Pilgrims that took the long journey across the vast ocean?

So it is with a thankful heart, yet a heavy heart that I celebrate this Independence Day. I'm so thankful that God has placed me in a country that is so much 'better off' than many other countries. I've no wont of food out of desperation, no fear of death or genocide and I have a steady roof over my head. I'm thankful I can still freely worship my Lord & Savior Jesus Christ. I'm thankful for the liberties we do still possess. But my heart is also heavy for the state of this land, for its people have fallen so far from the values that were instilled in the very first "Americans". So, today, instead of saying "God bless America" I'm going to steal a quote a friend had on facebook, "BLESS GOD, AMERICA." Let's fall on our knees and turn back to Him- let's make our forefathers proud and more importantly let's walk in obedience to God.

Happy Independence Day!

Friday, July 02, 2010

What Do I Say?

A month has passed and I wonder how it can be so. June 2nd, a day that we really looked forward to, a day that became a nightmare I didn't think I could live through again, and yet here I am. I can't even believe its been a month. A month from this moment I lay in a hospital bed getting prepped to deliver our dead baby. I was in shock. I was nervous. I just wanted the whole physical part to be done with so I could deal with the rest. And I still feel like I haven't completely dealt with it. But I guess that's how grief is. You don't just 'get over it' and move on. Sometimes you're just immobile, stuck in place wondering how on earth you ended up where you are. Sometimes you think maybe you took a step toward healing when, "WHAM" it hits you yet again. Just little things. Tonight just driving to the grocery store I began to cry for what I no longer 'have'. It is so hard to cling, to hold on to the HOPE I have. But I do. I am still not functioning properly, if that makes sense. I just 'get by'. I do what I have to do, but nothing more. I think the most difficult thing right now is me caring for my kids. I just don't want to do it. I LOVE them, I'm THANKFUL for them but it seems like such a HARD task sometimes. The tiniest, littlest things set me off! I remember it being the same after I lost Malachi. So, that's where I'm at. I still miss my baby like crazy, I miss being pregnant like nothing else and I just hurt. Even when I'm having a good time, still in the back of my mind lies my sorrow- it is part of me now, ever present. I'm thankful for your prayers, love and all through this time! Please keep it up- its a long road and I'm nowhere near the 'end' of it. I need you to walk alongside me, to pick me up when I fall and to hold my had- to cry with me, laugh with me, remember with me!

Thursday, July 01, 2010


Abby is so funny. She's playing with her dollhouse and was saying, "Ma, ma, ma" trying to get my attention. I say a word that I think she's trying to say until I finally look- she had the man on the potty and she was saying, "Poo!" She's such a goofy kid!

When I was putting her for a nap she happened to pull my shirt wide open, trying to peer down it! Hmm, maybe she's seen her daddy try that trick too many times? ;)

We're trying to figure out what to do with our we're going to do with our weekend. I totally don't want to go out of town but at the same time I'm afraid if we stick at home Zach will get called to work to deal with the 'issue'. It is all so ridiculous. Last night I completely flipped out about it- full blown tears, just so angry! I feel like because of the stress of work I can't deal with grieving Nathaniel. WHY should MY husband have to 'support' some other woman? She got herself into her own mess...ohhh it is such a nightmare! And of course, I'm hormonal, grieving, post-partum so everything to me is just magnified right now. I remember after Malachi too, things would just easily upset me. Today I got a statement in the mail from anesthesia and it really, really hit home- especially when I saw the terms vag. delivery & D&C. I just want to cry out, "IT'S NOT FAIRRRRRR!!!!!!" To which I hear a little voice nag, "Life isn't fair, Jamie."

Today marks 4 weeks. 4 long, miserable weeks. When I wonder where June went I cringe. What a horrible month and yet I didn't' want it to be over. That means...I don't know what it means. More time has passed since I was pregnant, more time has passed since I held my baby, time is creeping closer to my due date, I think about how my belly 'would' be right just hurts. Will the pain go away? Will it ease? I was talking to my friend yesterday. Her little brother died almost a year ago (he was 17). I remember that day so well. I cried, I grieved and I barely knew her brother, yet I felt like I knew him through her. She was talking about her mom and how her mom was doing well with the grief but now it's starting to surface again...I imagine since it's coming close to the year mark. While other's go on, us mother's, we mark each little date about our lost children and grieve, almost silently, for them. My friend wrote a wonderful poem.

Today there was a loss A silent loss One of hundreds of thousands felt all over the world...If you looked at me you would not be able to tell But none the less I feel the emptiness What millions hope, dream and pay money for I morn bitterly Today there was a loss A silent loss Life goes on, try again, it was never really there These sayings ring through the air As if these people really even care Easy to say You did not just lose a piece of yourself Today there was a loss A silent loss Force yourself to smile As the people walk by or call or stand there talking about themselves They will never know Say something and you are looking for sympathy Stay silent and die inside alone God knows...Today there was a loss A silent loss You are never alone Your loss is not your own We are a silent army who are plagued with the badge Those who carry for awhile But miss it so bad.
By Carrie Farris
In other news, my boys have been sooooo hyper! It is really driving me crazy. And I'm always at the end of my rope and just 'lose it' so easily these days. I feel so bad and yet I feel like I can't stop myself, if that makes sense. Good thing its a long weekend!