Monday, July 19, 2010


So last night my neighbor/friend came over to tell me she's pregnant! I am super excited for her. At the same time I'm SO sad for me!!! She's like the 5th person in a week that I found out is pregnant. It seems like lots of neighbors, everybody at church, everybody on facebook...and the ones that aren't pregnant have babies. Ohhh it just hurts, it aches, it stings. I just don't get it!

We've been tossing around adoption again. I can't remember if I mentioned that before. I called a few places today. Not sure if we'd even 'qualify'...having 4 children, living in a 'small' house (there's no way a child would get their own room). I just feel so lost. My hearts desire all my life has been to be a Mom. I'm SO thankful for my children, so blessed beyond measure. But I want to mother more than these! I know God's desire is for women to have babies, to be mothers, to train them up in His ways. So then why can't that happen? Sometimes I let Satan get in there, telling me its because I'm not a good enough mother.

That's another thing. When will I get off my butt and DO things with the kids? Sure, we've been busy doing lots of fun things, going lots of places. But I mean doing things like baking cookies, reading, art...I just have no desire to do anything like that since I lost Nathaniel. I have to push myself to cook dinner and I've only done that a few times!!! I feel like it will never get easier. I feel like I'm just failing. Then I think about school...its already almost the end of July and I've got nothing ordered, researched or anything for school. Yikes! I feel like it takes so much effort to do such little things that I can't do big things like that. I hate it. I hate being like this, feeling like this. I even entertained the idea of putting them in school, just for this year. But why, just so I could sit on my computer all day? How selfish of me!!!

I am thankful for some things I accomplished today:
-I made an appointment for Gabe's wart that hasn't gotten better

-I called my dr. office to ask for a referral to a geneticist (I found this info on our insurance site: Chromosome analysis (to include karyotyping and/or high resolution chromosome analysis) in some cases of habitual abortion or infertility
-I planned park days for our homeschool group for 2 months!
-I called a few adoption agencies and got a bit of info
-I even found all the housing at the bases Zach put on his dream sheet!!! That was more of a fun thing
-Laundry, lots and lots of it

I'm sure there was more I was going to post, its just a matter of not being able to think. I've had to stick Abby's toys in their swings numerous times, been asked numerous times by Hannah about printing pictures and just have such a distracted brain these days. How on earth will I prepare for a short camping trip/family reunion to MI when I can't even think???


Amie said...

One day at a time

Darlene said...

You should look at what you have done as you are getting along little by little each day. God has given you each day to take one step at a time. Don't worry what tomorrow brings as God has that figured out for you. His love is sufficient for you no matter what you go through or how much you hurt. Praise HIM always and you will feel so much better.

Kim said...

Thats got to be so hard to just keep hearing about all these women getting pregnant. Adoption is great. ITs totally understandable to not have the desire to do anything.You just went through a traumatic event and its gonna take some time to heal over that.

I am OK said...

Granted everyone is different, but I think in this case, I know just what it feels like. You're not alone. It is so hard to be so happy for someone and so sad for yourself at the same time. The guilt alone is one HUGE stumbling block.

One day at a time is right.

Sherry said...

Jamie, I am just catching up on your blog and e-mail tonight and I'm not sure you'll see this but...I think you are putting too much stress on yourself about baking, art, etc. with your kiddos. You are a great mom and you are always teaching them and doing things with them even when you are done with school for the year. Whether it's doing the baking or something else, the important thing is that you spend time WITH your children, and it doesn't matter as much what activity you are involved in ~ they will always remember that mom had time for them:)

Also, and I am nervous because I don't want to say the wrong thing here, but have you ever considered being foster parents? I know that you want your own baby and I hope that happens for you but until that happens there are so many children that need temporary care and you are the type of person they NEED to be around. You could make a huge difference for children who really need it. I know that now might not be the time for you to actually do it, but maybe something to think about......also foster kids don't need to have thier own bedroom:)

Ok, I'm off to finish catching up on your blog!