Saturday, March 31, 2007


Today my Princess is 7. So, here are 7 things about her that I love:
1. I love her heart for the Lord- tomorrow she will surrender her life to the Lord in baptism!
2. I love the way she is so inquisitive and asks questions.
3. I love the gentleness about her and the heart she has for others. Just yesterday we saw an ambulance and she prayed for the people to be in God's care.
4. I love how she has blossomed the past year in her singing. She just loves music and is always singing a tune!
5. I love her smile and her laugh. She is the most beautiful child- both inside and out.
6. I love that she loves to read, just like her momma. She just finished the book Pollyanna (she read it all on her own)!!!
7. I love that she has such a love of learning- whether its about horses, plants, words, numbers, or most importantly about Jesus and the Bible.

Princess, I am so blessed that you are in my life, and so thankful that Jesus has given you to us!

Friday, March 30, 2007


Today I had a check-up at the doctors. I didn't anticipate it being as difficult as it was. To see all of the pregnant women and think that I should be one of them sporting my belly. Then, the nurse who checked me in was asking me all sorts of questions that really threw me off- the two biggest were when my last menstrual cycle was and why I was there. I didn't know how to answer either of those questions and it really frustrated me that she didn't know why I was there. Could she not have looked at a chart or something? I looked at Zach, looked back at her and said, "I don't know. I don't know what to say". Then I hesitated and blurted out, "I delivered a dead baby three weeks ago". So, that set off emotions and made me pretty angry. Then the doctor came in. So far all of the tests they've done came back fine, but they haven't gotten back the chromosome one yet. He'll let me know the results of those and if that is normal then there are a few more tests they can run on me. He was very sympathetic- he took me into his office alone (away from my rambunctious kiddos) to see how I was really doing. I was honest. I told him I'm okay. Some days/times/moments are harder than others, but really I am doing okay. We talked some more and I thanked him and told him how thankful I am for him- that he was respectful of our wishes and not persistent for me to get a D&E. I was crying off and on through the course of our whole conversation. When I got up to leave he actually hugged me. It was right after I was telling him how thankful I was for both he and the nurses, saying how it must have been difficult for them as well. I was shocked, floored and thankful that he had sympathy to do that- to hug me- a patient. What sort of military doctor does that kind of thing? I doubt there are many. Once I am more 'stable' I want to bring him something as a thank you, as well as the nurses at labor and delivery. So, I walked away from the appointment crying for the loss of my baby, but also crying for the joy of such a wonderful doctor.

Thursday, March 29, 2007


Prayers would be appreciated for Nancy Campbell's daughter, Serene & family. Here is a post that was written in the Above Rubies e-group. I figure it can't hurt to post about it so that more warriors are praying!

I've been talking to Pearl this morning and everything is pretty busy in TN right she asked me to post this to the group. Serene delivered Shepherd Collin last night at 5:50. He was born 7 weeks early *BUT* he weighed 5'11"!! Wow, if she'd gone full term he would have been at least 10 lbs!! He was breathing on his own at birth but was struggling enough that they took him to NICU. They have started him on antibiotics and he's on 30% oxygen right now. Serene is unable to nurse him yet (he's not able to suck and breathe at the same time). She's pumping and will begin nursing as soon as he's able. He will be in NICU for at least 10 days (b/c of the antibiotics).How to pray?? Pray for peace for Serene. Pray for Sam as he's (I'm sure) going back and forth between hospital and 10 children at home. Pray the Serene will be able to find somewhere to stay close to the hospital (or a room in the hospital) once she's released tomorrow. Pray for cooperative doctors that will do everything THEY can to help her nurse asap. Pray that Shepherd will be able to go home as soon as he's done this round of antibiotics. Pray for Nancy and Collin--their children from Liberia arrived Monday night and they are all leaving today for a family camp in WI this weekend. Pray for Nancy and Collin as they minister this weekend.I think that's all I know. If I learn more I'll pass it along.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007


Last night we watched the movie, 'The Pursuit of Happyness'. It looked real good from the previews, but they didn't do justice to the movie. It is amazing all that Chris Gardner went through- and to come out on the other end. People like that inspire me to persevere through my trials and struggles- even though my hardships are quite different than his were. Note that there were some swears and one or two scenes where they showed partial nudity.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Cool Mom Points

As my husband likes to say, I think today I earned some 'cool mom points'. I decided that I'd take the kiddies to the park. It's a new park that a bunch of volunteers made, including Kaboom. It is completely fenced in, small and not too far from home. AND, we were the ONLY ones there!!!
You would think that they'd be tired out from being at the park, so I put them in their beds...but the boys cannot be quiet for anything. It is frustrating, but at least they're still in their rooms (for n0w). Hope you're all enjoying this Tuesday also!

Oh, I forgot to mention how much fun I had too. Yep, I was caught swinging high, climbing (what little bit of climbing there is for a big person like me) and riding on that cool 4-man thing up there. I was laughing out loud with the rest of them! Oh, was it fun!

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Spring? Or Summer?

With the temperature in the upper 70s I'm wondering if it is really just spring. Where we come from in Michigan, spring is all about melting snow, mud puddles and the 60s seem gorgeous! Here in the south spring is a whole different ball game! I'm wondering why I waited before I got out in my garden (besides the fact that the past month is a whirlwind). Now I'll be trying to plant flowers and sweating in the process. Oh well, what's a little sweat? It's good for us, right?!? So, with the warm temps, I headed out and sat in the sun and my sweeties enjoyed their waterslide.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Deals of the Day

This morning I got up early and hit the garage sales again. Boy, the gnats were out in full force this morning. That is one of many things I despise about the south! Anyway, I went to many, many sales and didn't find too much. But, a church was having a give away and I found some great things for free!!! I just wanted to share them with you!

All of these books were from the church- all FREE! Not only did I get some great kids books, I was also able to get some books for me. And, I picked up both a math and spelling workbook that I can use to supplement, plus a whole book of 2nd grade worksheets. And lets not forget the Brighter Vision book that I can do with my Cuddly Boy! I was THRILLED to get this all free!

I got this Scrabble Junior game for $2- it has never been opened!!! I was able to find 2 shirts for Little Princess and an Old Navy shirt for me. Little Man was able to get 5 shirts- most are Arizona brand. Both Cuddly Boy and Little Princess got a pair of sandals. The Arizona sweatshirt was free. How much were the other clothes??? Only $.25!!!! So, I spent $2.50 on clothes. The last batch of clothes are from the Thrift Store- 3 shirts for Little Man, a pair of swim trunks and 2 shirts for Little Princess- all of these were less than $5 after my in-store credit. I certainly couldn't find much for Cuddly Boy today and I think he's the one I was mostly looking for. Oh well, I can't complain after all of the deals I found! Gosh, I love garage sales!

Friday, March 23, 2007


1. I finally read the last book, Forever, in Karen Kingsbury's Firstborn series. Took me no time at all to read it. That book devoured me for a couple of days;) I can't wait for the Sunrise book to come out in May!

2. I am really ready to lose it with my boys. They will not nap anymore- instead they play wildly in their beds. I know that not everybody's children nap, but mine have always been great nap-takers. Fine, if they don't want to sleep can't they at least be quiet so I can have that time? I seem to function better when my children give me some quiet time through the day.

3. Add in hormones, emptiness and sadness and I'm not always a pretty site lately.

4. Speaking of pretty, I feel so darn fat. Now, I know I'm not, but when I don't fit into my clothes, well, I tend to feel fat.

5. Check out this video! It brought tears to my eyes and goosebumps to my arms. Amazing. Thanks to Bobbie for sharing it!

6. Yesterday we went to the park for Park Day with our homeschool group. It was so nice to get out and do something 'normal'. I think we're finally starting to get a 'normal' life going again. We've been quite busy this week.

7. Thank you, Christine, for your sweet gift to the Cracker Barrel. I'm hoping Nanny will baby-sit so Zach and I can enjoy a night with no costs! You are such a blessing!

8. Yesterday I went to Malachi's grave for the first time. I didn't stick around long and I didn't cry too hard...until I got back into the car. Then I lost it. Nighttime is the worst. I've been staying up late burying myself in books until I'm so tired I don't think about how empty my arms and womb is. But, it doesn't' help and I still lay there feeling so empty.

9. Guess maybe I need to read my Above Rubies magazine...and my Bible...

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Happy Spring!

Today is the first day of Spring. This morning we read Pussy Willow among a few other books about Spring. All week we've been reading fun books about spring, coloring pictures and talking about flowers, bugs, rain, sunshine, flying kites and picnics.

After we did a bit of school we drove to Mobile to meet my great friend since elementary school, Rebecca. We went to a local park where the kids got to play and we had a chance to catch up and visit. I finally met her husband and got to meet her sweet little baby! It was so great to see her and catch up in person! We've only seen one another a handful of times since high school, so this was a treat!

Here's Rebecca and I with our munchkins. Looks like quite the crowd of kiddos;) Her babies are SO adorable and friendly!

Now I'm exhausted from the fresh air. Today I received my Above Rubies magazine in the mail so I think I'll just enjoy a relaxing evening of reading! Hope you're all enjoying the first day of spring!


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Tuesday, March 20, 2007


Princess: Mommy, if we finish school fast then we might could play outside?

Mommy: (Trying to stifle a laugh) What did you just say?

Princess: If we're done with school quick then we maybe could play outside?

Mommy: (Laughing) We'll see...

My children are turning into southerners! You would never, where we are from, hear 'might could' in the same sentence. Oh, we have GOT to move away from here!

Monday, March 19, 2007

I thought I'd share a bit about what we've been up to. We're trying to get back to 'normal' around here (as if we're normal) and I think it is working. I have my moments of ups and downs, crying and anger, but I know it is 'normal'. It is weird how much calmer I am with the children when Zach is around compared to when he's gone. I hate that it is like that. But I'm sure that this, too is 'normal'.

Friday the kiddos and I loaded up and I took them to the park to play with some new friends and enjoy a picnic. They had so much fun. I came home looking like Rudolph. The sun was shining on me, but it didn't occur to me that my nose was getting burnt in the process. Oh early start on a 'tan'. In the evening Princess and I planted some seeds in some plastic cups.

Saturday we did a few St. Patrick's Day type things...had green food coloring in the toilet, Zach made them green Cream of Wheat, talked about the day, Patrick, green and colored some shamrocks. We all were festive and wore green too. Oh, that morning my Little Princess and I went to garage sales. I think we only stopped at two, but I found some cool children's books and a shirt and sweater for the Princess.

Sunday evening I went back and started teaching at Cubbies again. It was nice to be back, although I was exhausted by the end of the day (we'd had toddler nursery that morning). I also had the chance to take Little Man to play at McDonald's, spending some one on one with him and also catching up with a friend.

Today we delved right into school. Princess finally hit lesson 100 so we did a few fun things with that. We're all talking about Spring this week, since Wednesday is the first day of Spring. I have many books out for us to read and have some other activities planned. We'll see if we get to them though! I'd like to take Little Man and have him plant some seeds! I need to get into Princess's science again- she's learning about horses. The plan is to go and visit some horses once we're done with the unit.

Another Contest!

OK, 5 Minutes for Mom is having another contest!!! It is for the cutest little dance wear I think I've ever seen! Now, my Princess isn't in dance, but I know she would still love some dance wear so she can dance around the house like a ballerina! Check out Katchy Kids for more photos!

Friday, March 16, 2007

Joy in Mourning

I really love the Bible. There are so many special verses, and you can always find something to apply to your life no matter what you may be going through. It seems like when I go through suffering or hard times I often turn to Psalms. Rarely do I look at Psalm 119. After all, it is 176 verses long! But tonight I had a prodding to search there. And what I found greatly encouraged me at this time. I can totally relate to David in asking God to give me strength and compassion; to sustain me, to hear the desires of my heart; to deliver me and give me understanding. And I know that though I suffer much that He hears my prayers and is answering them. He has given me great peace like verse 165 talks about. You know, often I wonder how great my faith I really love God and trust Him? Though this past month has been the most difficult trial I've had to face I've seen how much faith I truly do have. I'm not trying to be prideful in admitting this. Oftentimes during times of difficulty and trouble we turn from God, but I just can't. Just like Psalm 139 says, no matter where I go or turn I cannot hide from God. There have been times I've wanted to; times I've not wanted to see good through this. But with all of your prayers there is no turning and no hiding from God or the goodness He has brought out of this. Even in the littlest things there has been goodness. And HE is so faithful. So loving and caring. He hears these cries, that I, like David, am crying. And He has answered them. No matter how often I may cry out, He always hears me and answers. Oh, my God- despite the pain, the suffering, the tears- through it ALL- I LOVE YOU. There is no way I can turn from my God, even through the darkest time of my life. And to imagine life not knowing go through such a horrible trial and not know the LOVE of God...I cannot imagine this.

Here are the verses that have stuck out to me at this time from Psalm 119:

28 'My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.'

76, 77 'May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant. Let your compassion come to me that I may live, for your law is my delight.'

114, 116 'You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your word. Sustain me according to your promise and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed.'

143 'Trouble and distress have come upon me, but your commands are my delight.'

145-147 'I call with all my heart; answer me, O Lord, and I will obey your decrees. I call out to you; save me and I will keep your statutes. I rise before dawn and cry for help; I have put my hope in your word.'

153 'Look upon my suffering and deliver me, for I have not forgotten your law.'

156 'Your compassion is great, O Lord; preserve my life according to your laws.'

165 'Great peace have they who love your law, and nothing can make them stumble.'

169-176 'May my cry come before you, O Lord; give me understanding according to your word. May my supplication come before you; deliver me according to your promise. May my lips overflow with praise, for you teach me your decrees. May my tongue sing of your word, for all your commands are righteous. May your hand be ready to help me, for I have chosen your precepts. I long for your salvation, O Lord, and your law is my delight. Let me live that I may praise you, and may your laws sustain me. I have strayed like a lost sheep. Seek your servant, for I have not forgotten your commands.'

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Calgon, Take Me Away

Yep, I just wish I had a magic carpet (or maybe my kids think I need a broom) to fly away on. Today is just one of those days... I have 'those days' anyways, but with hormones, emotions, grief and all I'm just busting at the seams when it comes to parenting today. We're SO behind in school- we probably only did about 5 days in the whole month of everything that happened! So, I'm trying to play catch up. I'm getting frustrated with my boys always fighting. Little Man, who will be 5 soon enough, cannot seem to fight back his battles with his little brother. Little Man also cannot pay attention to anything I teach him- from a Bible story to a nursery rhyme. I know this is 'normal' for boys his age but I get so frustrated. I just want to know/feel like he is learning SOMETHING. So, today I am a crab and about to burst into tears just because. Wonder how many bites of chocolate I'll have today??? Thanks for your listening ears...

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Trudging Forward

I really have no brain to think of what to type. I've been doing alot of journaling in a book which is why I haven't been posting much. This morning we buried our sweet baby. Hardest thing I think I've had to do. None of this has been easy, but to know he is forever removed from us on this earth tore my heart. It still does. Some moments are better and easier than others. Today is difficult. It's also been exactly one month since we found out Malachi died. It's times like these I wish family were nearby- to give a hug, to drop in unexpectedly, to bring much needed chocolate and to make me eat! Thankfully my mom flies down in almost 2 weeks so maybe she can baby me;)

Saturday, March 10, 2007

I know that Zach updated everybody last night (thanks, honey). This is an email I sent out and instead of retyping everything I'm just going to post it here. Thank you for all of your prayers!

I know I quickly updated some of you on Wed. before I went to the hospital. Thursday afternoon, March 8 at 3:35 pm Central time we met our beautiful baby that the Lord blessed us with for such a short time while he was alive in my womb. This has been a long journey but the Lord has carried us through. The two prayers I could pray- that the baby would be delivered intact and that we could tell the sex- were answered. We named him Malachi Robert. Malachi means my messenger. I believe that even in the short 14 weeks that he grew within my womb and the time he stayed there until his physical body was delivered into this world that he sent a message. I know many people wondered about my waiting instead of carrying through with a procedure. There is no doubt in my mind I did exactly what the Lord led me to do. Malachi's life was a testament that life- no matter how short lived- within the womb is indeed life. We were and still are so blessed by this precious baby. And while the healing of our hearts will take time, we know that he is in a much better place where he will wait for us.

It is now Saturday and I finally was able to come home today. You see, I was induced again Thursday morning with Cytotec as my body was finally showing signs of the time being near. It took effect right away! Afterwards I was losing a lot of blood and they had to do an emergency D&C. But, praise GOD that our baby was delivered into the doctors hands before I needed to go to the OR! The D&C went fine, but the next morning my blood levels were real low. The doctor said if they'd gotten any lower that I would have died. So then I needed a blood transfusion. It was a long time to spend in the hospital. I was in such good hands though- the doctor and nurses were wonderful (it was a different doctor than the first time and that as a blessing also). I kept waiting for it all to hit me. I'd have times of tears and sadness, but it didn't really hit until this morning when I knew I'd be walking away with an empty womb and empty arms. It is not easy, but still I feel the Lord's loving embrace.

We meet with the funeral home on Monday to make arrangements. I want to thank each of you for your prayers, your love and encouragement. Without you the road wouldn't be so bearable.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Update on Jamie

Hey, it's Zach, Jamie's husband. Jam wanted me to update everyone on the situation, so here goes:

She delivered the baby yesterday, which we could all tell was a boy, and we named him Malachi Robert M. He was all intact, and could fit in your palm. Anyway, Jam was bleeding pretty good, and they couldn't get the placenta out, so they had to do an emergency D&C. That went good. She had to stay overnight, and when they checked her blood levels, apparently they were pretty stinkin, dangererously low (the doc said any lower and she would have died), and so she got a blood transfusion today, and will stay another night. She is in good spirits right now, and has a ton of more energy then the groggy pale person I saw in there yesterday. So, tomorrow it looks like she will be able to come home, and I'm sure she will tell you all about it then. In the meantime, we are VERY thankful for ALL YOUR PRAYERS - seriously. Thank you again.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

More Prayers Requested

So today I began bleeding really heavily. Good thing I had a friend over or I would have been a mess! I went to the hospital and got evaluated. Going to go back and try the Cytotec again. With all the bleeding that's going on I'm hoping it works this time. Please, please pray. There's still a chance of them needing to give me their 'surgical procedure' and I really do not want that! Thanks so much!!!

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

My Introduction

Since I joined in on the party I thought I'd better let people know a bit more about me. So, grab some chocolate and a drink and kick back as you learn about who I am.

My name is Jamie. Since as far back as I can remember I've always wanted to be a mommy. I grew up an only child, but dreamed of having at least 4 children of my own. I constantly played Barbies and house, surrounding myself with 'babies'. Well, seeing as the world is so career-oriented, in high school I began to learn about social work. That's when I decided I wanted to be a social worker. I guess being a mommy could come later, but I had to follow everyone else and go to college.

I am in no way upset about this. Those 4 years I grew so much into the woman I am today. I wouldn't have met my husband. I wouldn't have faced challenges that helped me to grow closer to my Lord. I wouldn't have been influenced by our campus minister and his family and wouldn't know what I know today! But, social work is a liberal 'profession' and I struggled with some of the things I was learning. I graduated from college in 1999 and 2 weeks later I married my sweetheart who had just graduated from Basic Training and Tech School for the US Air Force. He moved me (rather the Air Force moved us) from our family in Michigan to North Dakota. I was devastated.

But, while in ND we began a family and brought home our first two babies. I never did become a social worker! We met so many wonderful friends that are like family to us. Even though we hated it while we were there, looking back we see so many ways in which we grew.

Today we're living on the Gulf Coast. Far from family. But, we now have three children- our daughter is almost 7, a 4 year old and a 2 year old. I have loved being a mommy since the day I found out I was pregnant with our first! I am blessed to stay home with my children and homeschool them. If you would have told me 10 years ago that I would be where I am today I would have laughed in your face! Homeschoolers? They're so weird, is what I thought! Having as many children as the Lord desires? Whatever! But here I am...growing older and learning more each day about the woman the Lord desires me to be. My hubby is still in the Air Force and he is an amazing husband and father. I am blessed beyond measure by what the Lord has done for me! It is not always easy, I am a sinner, I struggle and fall. But each time the Lord holds me and picks me up, He guides me and puts me back on the path destined for my life.

Thanks for stopping by! Please leave me a comment and let me know a bit about yourself!


There's a party going on and we're all invited! 5 Minutes for Mom is hosting a blog party! I know that I am in need of some partying so join me! It ends this weekend so quick, jump on the bandwagon and lets all have a great week of partying and making new blog friends! There are so many participants already...imagine all of the new friends we can make!


So, I went to the retreat this weekend. It was difficult at first...all of the pregnant women and babies were hard to see. But it was encouraging to see old friends who've been praying for me- to receive love, hugs, tears, encouragement. I met many other women, many who have gone through similar circumstances. It was truly a blessing. Of course, any Above Rubies retreat you walk away from you will be blessed. It is always a treat to hear Nancy's teaching. I feel such peace since I have walked away from there this weekend. Sure, I still have my sad moments when I think about how I won't hold my baby in my arms this side of heaven. But the peace that the Lord has given me is amazing. I cannot even describe it. I was really worried that I would struggle this week, with Zach going back to work. I wondered how I would function and pick up schooling again. But, I have overcome with the Lord. I have some moments when I lose it too easily with the kids, but I have moments like that anyways. So, we began school again, I cleaned my house again and life seems almost 'normal'.

One of the women that I met was in a similar situation. She had three children, then two miscarriages. She was there with her 11 week old daughter named Miracle. When you have miscarriages (especially more than one) you often wonder, "Will I be able to carry a child full-term?". It was amazing to see Miracle! I was able to hold her, and while the tears poured down I was not only comforted by my new friend, but I could just feel healing taking place in my heart. I thought how one day I too will hold my own miracle in my arms.

I thought maybe Sunday was going to be the day that something happened. I really began to bleed more than I have since this started. I was a bit concerned I wouldn't make it home in time if the time were to come to deliver my little one. I think it was with the walking I was doing and all of the water I was drinking. But on Monday the bleeding lessened once again. I talked to a midwife there and she gave me some information. This weekend I may do an orange juice/Castor oil mix to try to speed things up. I can't go on forever carrying this baby. It is weird walking around thinking that I have a dead baby inside, ya know?

I also met Beth at the retreat. I think she had left a comment on my blog a week or two ago, so I began reading her blog recently and just linked her. It was really neat to meet a fellow blogger!

So there you have an update on me. Through this turmoil, through my tears, through the pain God is and has always been here with me. I serve a faithful God.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Riding with the Emotions

Ok, so I keep updating you all on my physical issues. Which there aren't any. I finally sent out an email just telling people to check my blog. I guess I'm getting tired of answering emails and phone calls just to say that nothing has changed. Don't get me wrong- I LOVE that you all care and are checking on me. It means SO much to me. But, when things don't change...well it is so frustrating to have no news to report. Does that make sense? So, how am I doing emotionally? It depends on the moment. Right now I hear Cuddly Boy in his bed crying for a stupid clothespin- they call them clips and seem to love them. It is getting under my skin. I can't seem to handle the littlest things with my own kids lately. Every little thing bugs me. I mean I laugh at their cute antics, but if its something annoying or loud...forget it. Zach goes back to work on Monday. I wonder, will I be able to handle the kids? Now please, I'm not thinking of abusing them (or myself for that matter). I'm simply being honest. My hormones are probably so out of whack. My emotions are the wildest roller coaster ride. One minute I can be laughing and the next crying. One sentence I say I am fine and the next I'm having a hard time getting the words out because I'm bawling. Some people tell me that this is probably too emotionally draining for me...pretty much saying to just get it over with. But you know what? It's not constant. I have my good 'normal' moments at times. I feel fat. I can't fit into my normal clothes and who wants to wear maternity clothes now? It makes me mad. And I still have to get my 'normal' clothes out of the box and put away the stupid maternity ones. So, while at Wal-Mart I bought myself a pair of pants and a shirt...just something to make myself feel good. I don't care the brand, I just needed something to make myself feel better appearance wise. I'm finally 'back on my feet' with getting things done around the house. Cleaned the bathrooms yesterday. Back on track with laundry. Actually cooked dinner the past two nights. It is hard because sometimes I don't want to go on like normal. Because you know what? It will never be the normal it was on February 12th. Everything has changed since that day I went to my doctor appointment and now normal has to take on a whole new definition. And that is ok. There's a purpose I know, but sometimes it still makes me mad as all heck. Zach definitely has more faith in this matter than I do. When we pray about things together I can't even pray about this. What do I pray? How? Why? I know God hears, I know He has a plan, but it still stinks and I just cannot understand. Not like I'm supposed to understand anyway. But, it ticks me off at times. I know God will use this for His glory, but sometimes I just don't care about that. Does all of this make sense? I'm just being honest in how I feel. I keep talking about my physical state but I really haven't opened up emotionally. Tomorrow I will go to Gulf Shores, Alabama for an Above Rubies Ladies Retreat for the weekend. I wasn't sure if I should go, but they are my Sisters in the Lord. So many of them have already been a support to me, even across the miles, and I feel God prodding me to go (providing nothing changes physically). Some things may be hard. Seeing pregnant women. Babies. But I will have uplifting, hugs, tears and prayers lifted over me. I am a bit nervous to leave the area, but there will be a midwife there and there's also nearby hospitals. Ultimately I'm in God's hands and He will see me whether I'm home or there. See, as I even wrote some of this I was fine. But some moments I could have cried. I know this is normal for what I'm going through. It just doesn't make it any easier. Anyway, now that I got that out...