Happy Birthday Papa!

Meet H, J and G's Papa Kimbo. Happy Birthday Papa! We LOVE you!
 

Breakdown

Last night I had quite the breakdown. I've been feeling so _____. Fill in the blank. Angry. Frustrated. Mad. Blah. Crabby. All of the above. I have no patience, the littlest thing sets me off. I've been wondering if my body is recovering and having some fear that something will happen to cause me to no longer have children. This terrifies me. I don't know what I would do. Of course I am worrying, but I am tired of bleeding. I thought it was getting better, but I started up again more than usual. I don't know what is going on. My poor daughter asked me this morning if I'm going to die. She saw me trying to call the doctor and crying on the phone with my mom. So, it is the waiting game. I'm tired of it. So, last night I just laid in my bed and cried. Cried about my lost baby. Cried about my terrible parenting lately. Cried about everything. I don't think I've ever felt that sad before. I thought I was going to die or something I just felt so stinkin' awful. I guess it did feel good to let the tears fall though. So often I am busy taking care of my children and all that I don't have time to sit and feel. Then at night it hits. So just keep praying for me. Today I still feel blah.

Boys Being Boys

The boys had fun Friday when we had a playdate. Here they are playing Star Wars! The girls also had fun, but were much quieter playing Barbies! 

Thoughts

Warning: This post may be long. I have many thoughts running through my head that I would like to get out and this is one way of doing it...

First of all, why do some people hold stay-at-home homeschooling mom's up on a pedestal. I know this is rarely the case, but some people just look at us and think we have it all together. We have the most well-behaved children. We have the tidiest house. We have the most patience. The past two days I have been bombarded with comments of this nature. Boy, I must have my hands full. Yes, I am busy with my three children, but not overly busy. I do have time to play on the computer, read and do things I like to do. My husband is wonderful when it comes to letting me get out for a needed break (of which I've had two this week). When I mentioned to one person that I am in a homeschool group she commented on H getting 'socialized'. This was while my children were at McDonald's and playing with her children and some others we didn't know. Did my children look unsocialized? They looked like any 'normal, socialized, public school kid' to me! I must have patience. Far from it. I swear that is the one thing I lack the most of. I'm sure we all do, but I feel I fail at this constantly. The littlest thing seems to tickle my fancy and test my patience. I know some mom's have more patience than others. But I am the one that has little of it. Why does this job have to be so difficult? Why can't it be an easy road to travel, to live righteously and show our children a Godly example. We can talk until we're blue in the face about God and how to live, but it has to come by our example. I feel I fail miserably at this. I fear for my children. I know I am doing better than some parents out there, but I also know I can do much better. I want to hit that target smack dab in the middle every time. I keep praying and seeking the Word on how to get better at this yet it just seems it is the same thing every day. As soon as I hear one of the kids stir in the morning I ask God for patience in dealing with them. For gentleness and love. Then I find myself within the first half an hour of waking up getting impatient for their indeciveness over what they want for breakfast or their disobedience in not following directions on making their beds and getting dressed. Boy, it is HARD to be a parent! But I also know that God designed me to be a mom. Sure, I have a social work degree. Whoopee. I don't care. You can have it! I know I am called to be a mother. So I know that God will use me and work in my life to be that mother, even if it takes years to learn. I guess if there weren't bumps in the road the ride wouldn't be an adventure.

Then is the whole losing my baby thing. Usually I seem okay with it, but then I am busy most of the day with three rambunctious children. When I am not busy I am on the computer, reading my Bible or a book or planning the next day's school lessons. Sometimes I am on the phone. So, usually I don't have time to think about it and dwell on it. But there are times when it just BAM hits me square in the noggin. And I just can't take it. All of the emotions come back at once. Sadness. Anger. Fear. Why? Why did it happen? Why can't I hold my baby? Why does God need the baby? What if this happens again? What if I can't get pregnant again? What if... It is endless. I just want my baby. I desire to hold that little child in my arms all nuzzled against my breast. I want to look into that child's eyes and let them see the love I have for them. I want to smell that downy head as I lie in bed with them. I want to smile at the little noises and grunts they make. I want to... Oh, I am SO SAD. My heart just breaks. I want MY BABY in MY ARMS.

So this is today's rant from a hormonal, imbalanced, impatient, run of the mill mother.

The Boy's Art

Here is J's art of our family. Not sure how well it will turn out being scanned, but just an idea of how alien-like we look in his eyes! I just had to share it! 

A Meme of Fives

I found this over at Amie's blog and decided to do it to add some 'fun' to my otherwise pathetic page lately.

Five things in my freezer:
1. Toaster strudels (one of the only things G seems to eat lately)
2. Fish fillets
3. Snickers Ice cream
4. Spinach
5. Freeze Pops

Five things in my closet:
1. Baby clothes
2. Baby books/memoirs
3. Box of important papers (ready to go for evacuation purposes)
4. Hubby's Blues and BDU's
5. Two Bridesmaids dresses that I will probably never wear again

Five things in my car:
1. An Above Rubies magazine
2. Veggie Tales CD
3. Skin-So-Soft
4. US Map/Road Atlas
5. Stroller

Five things in my purse:
1. Lipstick
2. Ponytail Holder
3. Checkbook
4. Calculator
5. Pictures of the kids

Five people I tag:
1. Jodie
2. Anne
3. Marla
4. Denise
5. Bobbie Jo

Losing "It"

What is "it"? Everything. I seem to be losing everything. I just want to hide in a closet and weep and be alone. I seem to lose it at every little thing. I'm sure it is hormones. My body was pregnant, now all of a sudden it isn't and I have to deal with all of the hormones again. Plus the grief. Sometimes I feel like I am 'fine', but I also feel like sometimes maybe I'm not dealing with my baby being gone like I should. I think some people think I need to forget about it and move on, that I'll have more babies. I know that. But that doesn't ease the pain of losing this baby that was a part of me. I received the sweetest email today from a lady named Joy in one of my Yahoo Groups. Boy, did it impact me. I want to share it:

Jamie, I realized I haven't told you something very important (something most didn't say to me unless they had lost one too). I'm very sorry about the loss of your precious baby. If I could, I would come to your home, light a candle, sing a song or two in sweet memory. Then let you tell me how you found out you were carrying a little one; how you spread the news...If you thought it was a boy or girl..What names you picked out...What dreams you had for that wonderful little life. It was a baby...A precious little one. And now, though it is gone, will never be gone from your heart.Recentlly, I was listening to a song. I saw a vision of my four children I lost. The first was our first son, Joshua David who would be almost 9 now. Then there were three little girls playing with him, as he gingerly cared for them with sweet fragility and eloquence. He looked at me and smiled as if to say.."We are okay Mommy.' (and for sure he had a simple confidence I lack as a mom even now).Just think, Jaime...This little one already knows you are her/his mommy. Already knows the sweet smell of Jesus. Already knows no pain...Sorrow...And......... I once heard it said so sweetly..One day, they will wipe away our tears from our eyes; tears they have never had to shed.I know these days are not easy. The best gift you can give yourself is tears. Tears and sorrow admit to your heart that it is true--that life was precious to you. May He bless you with sweet rain of tears.

Isn't that just so sweet? What thoughtfulness! I have never met this lady and yet she has encouraged me in such a way that I will never forget! On another note, a dear friend that I met at an Above Rubies retreat (we were roommates together) emailed telling me that she is now experiencing what I just went through last week. Oh, how my heart is breaking for her! I wish this all upon no one! So please lift up Hollie in your prayers. I wish I could drive there and just hold her and cry with her.

But, what has got me ignited? Today the dog ran into the house with muddy feet and there was mud EVERYWHERE so I had to mop. The floor really needed to be mopped anyway, I kept putting it off, but I did not feel like doing it then. At least now I have a clean floor. Um, wait...I mean had. At lunchtime my almost 2 year old cranky boy with the snotty nose decided to spill his milk. Not once but twice. Oh, I about came unglued. I know it is normal and my house doesn't have to be perfect. But to spill milk so soon after being mopped? Oh, it just irritated me. Everything irritates me just like that lately. Good thing I am getting out tonight- childless! I need it or I swear I will about bash my head into a wall!

I'm A Big Kid Now!

This is my boy J.














J is 4 years old. He likes to pretend he is Superman, Spiderman, Batman or Darth Vader. He doesn't like to see somebody he cares about get hurt. He has a hard time following instructions. He can't sit still. Typical 4 year old boy, right?

Yesteray J went to Cubbies at church ALL BY HIMSELF! Last year either Zach or I had to stay with him the whole time. I am a Cubbies teacher this year, so I was in the next room and I made it clear that is where I would be, but I still thought he'd cry, fuss and try to come with me. He did awesome. It helped that I said, "This is Mr. Barry. Remember Ethan from Cubbies last year? This is his daddy." Then J seemed to warm right up! Ah ha! A daddy! I like daddy's. I could see his wheels turning. Most of the time in Cubbies we're all together, but when we first arrive we split up. Even when we met together the rest of the night he did great- didn't cling to me, didn't even care if I was in the room or not. I was SO proud of him! This is a boy who won't even go to Sunday School and can't stand when we leave him (besides with our wonderful baby-sitter)! Now my wheels are turning that maybe we need to try Sunday School...even if we have to sit there with him for awhile. I guess we could say, "This is so and so's mommy/daddy/granmda"! Maybe it would work!?!

Then today J started his first day of preschool. I decided to buy the Bright Beginnings curriculum. I am very impressed with what I bought for only $40! We had Bible time, learned about God making families, did math, language arts where we talked about his name- why we named him what we did and what his name means. I think he is pretty impressed with its meaning- Fire of the Lord. We also had art where he did a self-portrait. I love when kids make the legs come out of the head! He thought he was funny when he gave himself blue eyes, hair and 'blue chubby cheeks'. We also had a character building time where we learned about compassion and we have a memory verse. Even H participated today, as I haven't started (officially) school with her for the year yet. They had fun finding families doing things together in old catalogs and magazines and cutting them out and gluing on their 'God Created Families' paper. I must say I really think my boy enjoyed his first day of preschool. He had a hard time sitting still for the Bible reading, but he sure liked the different activities we did. Most of the work is more hands-on, so it is great for a 4 year old active boy. I thought maybe G would participate with us, but he was too busy destroying the place and tearing apart puzzles.

Let's hope tomorrow is even more of a success!  

Happy Days

I thought I would add some pictures to add some happiness to all the sadness on here lately. Ignore the dates, my camera was messed up w/that for awhile there!


 

Links

I found the most awesome poem. It is sad, but it just describes things so well. It is called, "Can You Be a Mommy If Your Baby's Not With You?" I am doing pretty well. Yesterday I took 2 naps! Today we went to walk around the mall, just to get out, and it about killed my stomach. I had to keep sitting. Sometimes I think I will never get better, but I know it takes time.

Last night I bawled like a baby when I went to this next site. The dedication of this father to his son is unreal. Here is the story: (It is long, but so worth it. Thanks for sharing this Canaan).

Real Story: I try to be a good father. Give my kids mulligans. Work nights to pay for their text messaging. Take them to swimsuit shoots. But compared with Dick Hoyt, I suck. Eighty-five times he's pushed his disabled son, Rick, 26.2 miles in marathons. Eight times he's not only pushed him 26.2 miles in a wheelchair but also towed him 2.4 miles in a dinghy while swimming and pedaled him 112 miles in a seat on the handlebars--all in the same day. Dick's also pulled him cross-country skiing, taken him on his back mountain climbing and once hauled him across the U.S. On a bike. Makes taking your son bowling look a little lame, right? And what has Rick done for his father? Not much--except save his life. This love story began in Winchester, Mass., 43 years ago, when Rick was strangled by the umbilical cord during birth, leaving him brain-damaged and unable to control his limbs. "He'll be a vegetable the rest of his life;'' Dick says doctors told him and his wife, Judy, when Rick was nine months old. "Put him in an institution.'' But the Hoyts weren't buying it. They noticed the way Rick's eyes followed them around the room. When Rick was 11 they took him to the engineering department at Tufts University and asked if there was anything to help the boy communicate. "No way,'' Dick says he was told. "There's nothing going on in his brain.'' "Tell him a joke,'' Dick countered. They did. Rick laughed. Turns out a lot was going on in his brain. Rigged up with a computer that allowed him to control the cursor by touching a switch with the side of his head, Rick was finally able to communicate. First words? "Go Bruins!'' And after a high school classmate was paralyzed in an accident and the school organized a charity run for him, Rick pecked out, "Dad, I want to do that.'' Yeah, right. How was Dick, a self-described "porker'' who never ran more than a mile at a time, going to push his son five miles? Still, he tried. "Then, it was me who was handicapped,'' Dick says. "I was sore for two weeks.'' That day changed Rick's life. "Dad,'' he typed, "when we were running, it felt like I wasn't disabled anymore!'' And that sentence changed Dick's life. He became obsessed with giving Rick that feeling as often as he could. He got into such hard-belly shape that he and Rick were ready to try the 1979 Boston Marathon. "No way,'' Dick was told by a race official. The Hoyts weren't quite a single runner, and they weren't quite a wheelchair competitor. For a few years Dick and Rick just joined the massive field and ran anyway, then they found a way to get into the race officially: In 1983 they ran another marathon so fast they made the qualifying time for Boston the following year. Then somebody said, "Hey, Dick, why not a triathlon?'' How's a guy who never learned to swim and hadn't ridden a bike since he was six going to haul his 110-pound kid through a triathlon? Still, Dick tried. Well, now they've done 212 triathlons, including four grueling 15-hour Ironmans in Hawaii. It must be a buzzkill to be a 25-year-old stud getting passed by an old guy towing a grown man in a dinghy, don't you think? Hey, Dick, why not see how you'd do on your own? "No way,'' he says. Dick does it purely for "the awesome feeling'' he gets seeing Rick with a cantaloupe smile as they run, swim and ride together. This year, at ages 65 and 43, Dick and Rick finished their 24th Boston Marathon, in 5,083rd place out of more than 20,000 starters. Their best time? Two hours, 40 minutes in 1992--only 35 minutes off the world record, which, in case you don't keep track of these things, happens to be held by a guy who was not pushing another man in a wheelchair at the time. "No question about it,'' Rick types. "My dad is the Father of the Century.'' And Dick got something else out of all this too. Two years ago he had a mild heart attack during a race. Doctors found that one of his arteries was 95% clogged. "If you hadn't been in such great shape,'' one doctor told him, "you probably would've died 15 years ago.'' So, in a way, Dick and Rick saved each other's life. Rick, who has his own apartment (he gets home care) and works in Boston, and Dick, retired from the military and living in Holland, Mass., always find ways to be together. They give speeches around the country and compete in some backbreaking race every weekend, including this Father's Day. That night, Rick will buy his dad dinner, but the thing he really wants to give him is a gift he can never buy. "The thing I'd most like,'' Rick types, "is that my dad sit in the chair and I push him once.'' (Now, watch the video)....

Lullaby of Love

One of my favorite ministries (if that is the right word) of all time is Above Rubies. The magazines have encouraged me beyond understanding. The books have changed my life. The retreats and family camps have helped me to become who I am today. Nancy Campbell is truly a Titus 2 woman. She is a blessing to meet and to hear speak. You can just see the love of God through her life and hear it as she speaks. It is amazing. If you ever have the chance to go to a retreat- GO! Or order a book, check out the articles online, sign up for the free magazines. Whatever. But let me warn you- if you are open to it it will change your life!

Her two daughters used to sing in the band Considering Lily. Now they are Serene and Pearl and they sing at Above Rubies retreats. They have two awesome CD's that you can order at tea site. These are life-changing songs about mothering, being a wife, etc. Awesome. One song is called Lullaby of Love. Ever since my miscarriage has happened this song has been in my head. The lyrics are below but please click on the above Lullaby of Love link to read what Serene wrote about it. Let me tell you that it cannot describe my feelings any better.

By Serene Allison
LULLABY OF LOVE
Dedicated to our baby in Heaven

Baby. . .
I wish you could have stayed,
I miss you growing inside of me.
Baby. . .
I would have loved to have seen your face,
I want to hold you endlessly.

But even though I won't feel you in my arms
I hold your memory in my heart.

CHORUS:
And I'll sing with the angels
A lullaby of love,
And as you're soothed by feathered wings
In your cradle high above,
Hear my voice. . . your mother's lullaby of love.

Baby. . .
If I could only look in your eyes
And you could see mine shine with how much I adore you.
Baby. . .
Were they the color of your daddy's or mine?
And I know they had a beautiful hue.

I wonder what would have been your name,
But I'm so glad you came. . . for awhile. . .

CHORUS:
And I'll sing with the angels
A lullaby of love,
And as you're soothed by feathered wings
In your cradle high above
Hear my voice. . . your mother's lullaby of love.

BRIDGE:
One thing I know I haven't lost you,
You're with your Creator by a celestial stream,
You were made for heaven, darling,
One day I'll hold you and it won't be a dream.

CHORUS AGAIN.

**Author's Note: The Lullaby of Love link does not work, so go to the Above Rubies site, click on Serene and Pearl and then the song title!

THANK YOU

I just want to thank everybody who has been praying for us and has been such a support to us. I am on some different Yahoo groups and there are people that live here (in my area) that I've never met and people that live in other countries that I've never met. Yet these people have taken time to email me, leave me a comment and/or pray for me. Even many of you, my blogging friends, I haven't met and you have been so supportive. It makes is so much easier to go through a trial like this when you know there are people all over the world praying for you. I don't think I mentioned that Sunday at church a lady sang that song, "Somebody's Praying Me Through" by Allen Asbury. I just bawled and bawled as she sang that song. Here are the lyrics:

Somebody's Praying Me Through

Pressing over me like a big blue sky

I know someone has me on their heart tonight

That's why I know it's gonna be alright'

Cause somebody's praying me through

Somebody's praying me through

It may be my Mother, it might be my Dad

Or an old friend I've forgot I had

But whoever it is I'm so glad that

Somebody's praying me through

Somebody's praying me through

Through the tears, through the rain

Through the sorrow, through the pain

It keeps bringing me through

Over and over again

So when you're drowning in a sea of hurt

And it feels like life couldn't get any worse

There's a blessing waiting to push back the curse

'Cause somebody's praying you through

Somebody's praying you through

Someone got down on their knees and prayed for me

Somebody's, somebody's praying you through

Written by Darrell R. Brown and Ty Lacy© 2002 Almo Music Corp/Original Bliss Music (ASCAP) administered by Universal Music Group and Ariose Music (ASCAP) administered by EMI Christian Music Publishing.

Thank you all who have prayed for us. This song couldn't describe how I feel any better and it still brings tears to my eyes. My family, friends- thank you for being here in such a difficult time. May God bless you all for your faithfulness as a friend.

Mending???

I think maybe I am finally on the mend. I took the Cytotec pills that I was so nervous to take and they did absolutely nothing. They were supposed to cause my uterus to contract to get everything out. I finally called the doctor last night and I went in this morning for another ultrasound. It was a relief to actually see with my own eyes that there really wasn't a baby in there. I guess I still had some hope that maybe all would be ok. I needed closure I think. But there is a huge blood clot in my uterus that still needs to pass. Luckily the doctor isn't big on D&C's (because I'm not either). So, I still wait for the physical part of this to be over. You know how at night when you are pregnant you lie in bed and rub your tummy thinking of the baby? Last night I started to do that and realized I have no baby in there. I bawled like a baby. I feel like I've gone through everything with having a baby yet have no baby to hold. Sure is an empty feeling. Yet I still have peace. Most of the time I rest in the fact that the Lord is holding this precious child and loving him or her. There are still some times though when I just want to hold that child myself and scream in my head, "WHY????".

Update

Even though I didn't like what I read in regards to the medication prescribed to help this baby to pass I decided to take it. I did lots of praying, research and thinking on it and this morning I was just really led to take it. So far nothing has happened. I almost think my pain meds are contradicting everything that should happen. If nothing else I will call the doctor. I take another dosage in an hour and I will see how things go. I feel ok. Like I said before I just want it all to be over now. I just want my life to return to normal and I want the physical part to be over so I can deal with it emotionally. Thanks you all for your thoughts and prayers.

When will it be over?

It is a miscarriage. The ultrasound picture from last night showed that the baby is a lot lower in the uterus than on Thursday and it also showed that it is losing tissue (or something like that). I was a bit bummed that the doctor did not do another ultrasound to check on things. Maybe he was mad that I went to the ER? We had tried to call his cell phone as he gave me his number but we couldn't get through. Anyway, he then examined me and found that I am dilated and said that it won't be long for the baby to pass. Boy did it hurt when he examined me. I know that never feels good, but it hurt terribly- so bad that I was squeezing the life out of Zach's hand and just bawling. I could not stop crying. Even though I 'knew' I was having a miscarriage it just hit having it 'confirmed' and I just bawled and moaned like a baby. But it felt good to do. I am on a pain medicine and boy is it good. I'm not big on medicine- I don't take it unless I need it, but this is wonderful. I feel a bit wired right now and tired, but I don't feel cramps like I did. He also gave me a prescription for something to aid the miscarriage along. I am apprehensive to take it as it is something given for abortions. While I'm sure my baby isn't alive I guess I just want God to do this all on his own, if that makes sense. I don't want to live with this question in my mind for the rest of my life of aborting my child. I don't know if I make any sense at all. Anyway, within the next 24 hours this should be over for the most part. Thanks for all of your prayers and I'll keep you updated. Let me mention how wonderful Zach has been. Truly awesome. I have the best husband. I cannot stop being thankful for him. He has been my anchor (besides God). He has done it all around the house all weekend- cooking, baths, taking care of the kids. He is truly a blessing.

What is Going On????

I am not even sure what to write. Everything is up in the air. I passed clots, big old blobs that I was certain was a baby. Yesterday I endured hours of horrible cramping that felt like labor. Finally I went to the ER. The doctor had just wanted me to wait until today to go in for an ultrasound but I was in so much pain I could not wait. So, we sat and sat in the waiting room. At the end of it all- my Hcg levels were normal and there was still a fetus in my uterus! They still could not detect a heartbeat, but said that isn't abnormal. When the did a doppler they thought that they detected a heartbeat. Now it is back to the waiting game. I went in this morning to see the doctor but he has deliveries up the creek so I need to go back after lunch. Let me tell you that if this baby is still alive it will be such a testimony- a complete miracle of our Sovereign Lord. And if this baby is to pass I really want it to happen soon- and to not go through all of the pain I have already been through. Thank you all for your prayers. I will keep you posted. Right now I am lying in bed (on my laptop) relaxing and making everybody else do the work! If there is a chance this baby can live I am not jeopordizing anything! Keep praying!

Loss

On Thursday I went to my first doctor's appointment. I thought I was about 10-13 weeks. He did an ultrasound and it showed I was only 7. He also did an internal one and couldn't pinpoint a heartbeat, but he said that isn't abnormal for being only 7 weeks and asked me to come back in a week. He told me to call if I had any bleeding or anything. Friday I started to bleed. Not a lot, but enough to freak me out. Then it pretty much stopped until this morning. Today I have dealt with bleeding, cramping, etc. I was still holding on to hope that maybe it was just from something else, that maybe my baby was still ok. But, due to the recent happenings of my body I know that I am losing my baby. I am mad. Sad. Can't understand why this is happening. It is one of those things where you think it will never happen to you, although you know it is so common. You hear people's stories all the time. So here I sit waiting for it all to pass. Please keep us in your prayers. It is not easy for Zach either. While we know our little one is in the Lord's hands it is hard to know we will never hold this dear child in our arms this side of heaven. And that hurts. Even if I've carried this child for a few short weeks. It hurts.

Doggie School

This dog is eager to learn! As I was sitting at my desk he jumped up into H's desk to look out the window! What a dog!


 

Bread Baking Day

I have been wanting to teach H to make homeade bread for the past few weeks. Today was the day! She did a great job and was eager to taste it. She said it tastes good and next she wants to make chocolate chip bread. Is there such a thing???


 

Stay Away Chris!

Please pray that this hurricane/tropical storm steers clear of us. I really don't want to deal with this all over again. Even just evacuating is a big headache. More than likely Zach won't be able to come with us (again) if we do have to leave and that is a headache in itself. He's never evac'ed with us yet. I just pray this storm dies down or turns or something. I dread this time of year down here. THE reason I want to move away from this place!