Thursday, August 17, 2006

Thoughts

Warning: This post may be long. I have many thoughts running through my head that I would like to get out and this is one way of doing it...

First of all, why do some people hold stay-at-home homeschooling mom's up on a pedestal. I know this is rarely the case, but some people just look at us and think we have it all together. We have the most well-behaved children. We have the tidiest house. We have the most patience. The past two days I have been bombarded with comments of this nature. Boy, I must have my hands full. Yes, I am busy with my three children, but not overly busy. I do have time to play on the computer, read and do things I like to do. My husband is wonderful when it comes to letting me get out for a needed break (of which I've had two this week). When I mentioned to one person that I am in a homeschool group she commented on H getting 'socialized'. This was while my children were at McDonald's and playing with her children and some others we didn't know. Did my children look unsocialized? They looked like any 'normal, socialized, public school kid' to me! I must have patience. Far from it. I swear that is the one thing I lack the most of. I'm sure we all do, but I feel I fail at this constantly. The littlest thing seems to tickle my fancy and test my patience. I know some mom's have more patience than others. But I am the one that has little of it. Why does this job have to be so difficult? Why can't it be an easy road to travel, to live righteously and show our children a Godly example. We can talk until we're blue in the face about God and how to live, but it has to come by our example. I feel I fail miserably at this. I fear for my children. I know I am doing better than some parents out there, but I also know I can do much better. I want to hit that target smack dab in the middle every time. I keep praying and seeking the Word on how to get better at this yet it just seems it is the same thing every day. As soon as I hear one of the kids stir in the morning I ask God for patience in dealing with them. For gentleness and love. Then I find myself within the first half an hour of waking up getting impatient for their indeciveness over what they want for breakfast or their disobedience in not following directions on making their beds and getting dressed. Boy, it is HARD to be a parent! But I also know that God designed me to be a mom. Sure, I have a social work degree. Whoopee. I don't care. You can have it! I know I am called to be a mother. So I know that God will use me and work in my life to be that mother, even if it takes years to learn. I guess if there weren't bumps in the road the ride wouldn't be an adventure.

Then is the whole losing my baby thing. Usually I seem okay with it, but then I am busy most of the day with three rambunctious children. When I am not busy I am on the computer, reading my Bible or a book or planning the next day's school lessons. Sometimes I am on the phone. So, usually I don't have time to think about it and dwell on it. But there are times when it just BAM hits me square in the noggin. And I just can't take it. All of the emotions come back at once. Sadness. Anger. Fear. Why? Why did it happen? Why can't I hold my baby? Why does God need the baby? What if this happens again? What if I can't get pregnant again? What if... It is endless. I just want my baby. I desire to hold that little child in my arms all nuzzled against my breast. I want to look into that child's eyes and let them see the love I have for them. I want to smell that downy head as I lie in bed with them. I want to smile at the little noises and grunts they make. I want to... Oh, I am SO SAD. My heart just breaks. I want MY BABY in MY ARMS.

So this is today's rant from a hormonal, imbalanced, impatient, run of the mill mother.

8 comments:

Anne said...

((((HUGS)))) Hey Sweetie!! Oh how I could have written that first paragraph! I struggle with patience too! And that frustration over messing up... all the time! It just shows us that we really need His strength, huh!

You are such a wonderful Mom!! I know how much you love your family and want the best for them. Don't beat yourself up, okay?

It's so natural to be sad over losing this baby. I pray that God would give you peace and answers... or at least assurance that you can trust him with all those hard questions.

DDK23 said...

I never understand why people think homeschooled kids aren't "socialized". Heck I think the reason for my low self-esteem is the public school system. It is to focused on "who likes who" and what not. Some of my worst memories were from elementary school classrooms.
As far as putting SAHM/homeschooling mom's up on a pedestal (I think I do this myself). Is jealousy. At the moment I really wish I could stay at home with my son. However with this move and gas prices it is impossible. However I keep up with SAHMs and know its not better....just different, with its own set of problems.
I think you do a great job of being an example for your children, its probably really difficult to see that from the inside out. Its also nice to hear that you have (or think you have) little patience....I have been wondering when that actually kicks in for me!
I think its normal to feel all those emotions suddenly from what feels like out of no where. Its what makes you human.
My prayers are with you and your family. Allow yourself to feel and be healed.

Amie said...

Show me any mom with young children who doesn't struggle with impatience and I will show you a saint! Seriously, you would have to be supernatural.

All your feelings regarding the miscarriage are so normal right now and to be expected. You have to work thru the stages of grief, than comes the acceptance.

Wethyb said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who is the most impatient of them all. I feel like the world's worst mother sometimes. It's good to know I'm not alone.

Did you see my post from yesterday? All it says is "Sad....yah, that's about it". That sums it up pretty well. I know you have more to be sad about, but we can be sad together.

Choppzs said...

Yep, I always say impatience is my worst trait. I too, feel bad allot of the time because I feel that I don't give things enough time before I explode. I have tried the counting to 10 thing and all that too. I try to tell myself over and over again that they are just children, and I am the adult and need to act like it. I have really given in to the picking my battles thing. I think about and try to decide if it's worth getting upset about.

I can totally see why you are feeling the way you feel. Like Amie said, you need to go through your stages of grief, and then hopefully you can accept all that has happend! Good luck to you, vent away, we are all here for you!

Marla said...

I just have to share this poem that I found this morning in my book "When You Lose A Loved One":

"The Tiny Rosebud God Picked to Bloom in Heaven"

The Master Gardener
From heaven above
Planted a seed
In the garden of love
And from it there grew
A rosebud small
That never had time
To open at all,
For God in His perfect
And all-wise way
Chose this rose
For His heavenly bouquet
And great was the joy
Of this tiny rose
To be the one our Father chose
To leave earth's garden
For One on high
Where roses bloom always
And never die...
So, while you can't see
Your precious rose bloom,
You know the Great Gardener
From the "Upper Room"
Is watching and tending
This wee rose with care,
Tenderly touching
Each petal so fair...
So think of your darling
With the angels above
Secure and contented
And surrounded by love,
And remember God blessed
And enriched your lives too
For in dying your darling
Brought heaven closer to you!

- Helen Steiner Rice

I grieve with you, though my loss was my mother, and not my child, which I believe would be much more difficult. Somewhere I read "The only way out of grief is through." Allow yourself this time to grieve, it is painful, but it is natural and normal.
((((Hugs!))))

momanna98 said...

I wish there was some magical things to say that would help you feel better. I am so sorry for all that you are going through right now. Just keep taking things one day at a time and leaning on God.

Lisa G said...

I am so sorry it is still so rough for you. It does get easier with time missing your baby. I see little girls who are the age that my Claire would be, and I can still cry. It has been 4 1/2 years, and I still miss her. Your baby will always be your baby! That is important. Just remember that you WILL see your baby again. It does give you a new perspective on Heaven.

Lisa G