Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Memory of a Precious Boy

Today marks one year since I found out my precious Malachi was no longer alive. I remember that day as though it were yesterday. Princess was using the doppler to help the nurse find the heartbeat but they couldn't find it. Finally the nurse thought she'd found it but when the midwife came in she couldn't locate it either. I just thought it was a fluke thing, it seemed like just days before that we saw our babe happily playing in my womb on an ultrasound. That was not to be the case though. The ultrasound that day showed that our dear boy had passed on. I was shocked. Devastated. Although this is not the day that marks Malachi's 'birth' or whatever you want to call it, it is a day I will never forget.

I originally wanted to go to the cemetary today but seeing as I'm dealing with such severe morning sickness that is not to happen. We did go on Sunday, however. As we were driving home from church one of my favorite songs came on. It is Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone). The hymn was sung at Malachi's funeral so now it has such a whole different meaning in my life. This song is a bit different and based on the movie. Here are the lyrics that really struck me on Sunday as I mourned the loss of my little boy:

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace
Of course all of the lyrics really get to me but somehow these words really made me sob on this day. My baby is free. He is not bound by chains. He has never had to endure the sin and sadness of the world, rather he was taken to the streets paved with gold and carried along by his Creator. What a blessed boy he is! To be with Jesus face to face! And to think that he is up there with his brother or sister playing at the feet of Jesus brings me such joy! Sure I mourn my babies and wonder what life would be like if they'd lived. But God knew that these precious children needed to be taken to heaven and not dealt the blows of the world. So while I think about my precious baby today and allow the tears to stream down my face I am also mindful of how God has worked to touch our lives through Malachi's short one. And I praise my Jesus for giving us a son we will get to meet in heaven, another brother for my children, a chance to carry a baby for such a short time.


Choppzs said...

He is truly blessed to be in a place that is so wonderful!!!

I hope your morning sickness fades soon. I remember with the boys i had it so bad I couldn't get out of bed! I have heard lemonheads (the candy) are good for upset stomachs. I tried them, but I hate lemon stuff! lol

Erica said...

How fortunate you are to have such a strong relationship with God to guide you through times like this.

I'm praying that you're able to find a solution to help you deal with your morning sickness until it passes and that you'll be feeling well enough to get out and about soon.

Beth said...

What a nice tribute. I understand your feelings perfectly. Although my arms ache to hold the baby I lost, I would never wish him back here. You're right-your son will never have to deal with evil, with pain, or anything like that. What a blessed boy he is.

Praying your morning sickness passes soon. I was always thankful for the morning sickness because it meant the baby was doing well.

Aduladi' said...

All I can do is send you hugs. When I first started reading your post and you mentioned Amazing Grace/My Chains Are Gone, I did not equate it to Malachi, but to you until I kept reading.

I think that you have handled this past year amazingly well, at least outwardly. You kept your light shining even in the midst of such a personal pain. You could because you know the freedom from "chains" that you have in Christ!

But I do love the thoughts you had about Malachi's freedom as well. That is the way I think of my babies that I never got to hold and kiss. He spared them from something I could never grasp and delivered them straight into His arms. What an amazing King we serve!

Kami said...

What a sad but touching story! You are a strong woman and I commend you for clinging to God through these times!

Melissa said...


Alward Family said...

What a wonderful way to view Malachi's passing. It is so healthy for you to mourn and grieve.


Jodie said...


mamazee said...

Isn't God good to let us be carrying little ones when those hard times come? I'm so happy for you to be pg again, Jamie :)
and i love this version of Amazing Grace - who is it?

Amie said...

I agree with the above poster, it's good that you are carrying another one on an anniversary like this.

Brandi said...

sweet friend. . .I love the way you wrote it. He IS Alive. . in a way we have not even been able to experience yet. I join you in praising the Father today.

Love you,