Snow and school

We had our first snow yesterday and boy...what a storm!  We didn't get much snow at all (this coming from a Yooper girl), but once the wind picked up it was just blowing everywhere.  I couldn't sleep last night, I could just hear the wind howling.  I thought for sure our roof would blow off or a window would break, it was seriously that windy.  When I stood by the front door to look out I could feel snow coming in from above the door.  We told our builders about this within the first year of living here but they sure didn't fix it.  Makes me all the more ready to move out of this house. 

We haven't been up to much of anything.  The kids had their Christmas program Friday night and that was really cute- they did a great job!  I am amazed how well they remembered the songs- even knowing them when I'd practice with them!  Thursday night I went and decorated Christmas ornaments with Mommies with Hope (you can read more about that on my other blog).  We're supposed to have our Christmas party for small group this coming week but I'm not sure we'll be able to go as we can't find a sitter.  All of our sitters (like 2 of them) have church things on Wed. nights.  I really hope we can go, I was looking forward to it.  Then next Saturday I think we have a Christmas party for Zach's work.  It's crazy that I have no details other than it's on that day and that's the same day as the commissioning.  I really hope to find out more at the beginning of this week....I am one who likes to know these type of things in advance.  Do I have to make something?  Find a sitter?  And my mom comes in like 9 DAYS!!!  I can't wait!!! 

As I was lying in bed last night thinking about how winter is here I was trying to think back to summer and the warm temps and I couldn't really remember much of summer.  It is such a haze!  I was just in a fog, getting through each day was a major accomplishment!  I can't wait until about April/May when the snow will start going away (I know we just started to get it, but I hate the cold). 

I think this week will be our last week of school for the year.  Since my mom comes the following week I'll want to get ready for her visit and I figure we can do Christmas projects and baking that week.  We've cruised right along in school so far and I'm thankful for how far we've come!!!  Hannah and Gabe are both on like Chapter 11 in their math books!  They're just cruising!  We're all on about lesson 75 in English.  Josiah didn't do well this last week on his English test so I think this week will just be review of that chapter (plus I hate to start a new chapter when we'll be having a long break).  I'll probably do the same with Hannah.  I'm reading them the book, 'The Best Christmas Pageant Ever' and they love it.  Can you believe I've never read that book before!?!?  We're almost done with it so then I'll have to dig out another one of our Christmas books to read.  Speaking of reading, I have many books on my list to read but I haven't been in much of a reading mood.  I wanted to get a book out yesterday but I'm not sure I have any 'easy' readers for myself and that's the kind I'm wanting.  Ok, off to browse my library in the basement...

Disturbed

It seems like there's been such madness in the South since we left over 2 years ago!  I keep hearing about this or that and lately it's just been very unsettling to me.  One of the most major things that's been heavy on my heart is the amount of divorce going on in our old church.  It really, really saddens me to hear of people we fellowshipped with, sat in church with, etc divorcing.  I'm just in shock.  And I can't help but wonder if the leaders of the church are doing anything about it, trying to work with the couples to keep them together?  Of course, I don't know all the surrounding circumstances (I don't know any details and that is fine), but it really just breaks my heart.  Is my marriage easy?  By no means!  I've been such a grouch with Zach off and on lately, just my own funk, but that doesn't mean we'd ever get divorced!!!  By no means!  Sometimes he really irritates me, but does that mean we get divorced?  No!  We've been through some tough times together...I mean just losing three babies, but does that mean we throw in the towel?  Nope.  Our baby's losses have drawn us closer.  Of course, we don't have abuse or adultery in our marriage- thankfully!  Like I said, I don't know the circumstances, it just makes me so sad.

And I know it's everywhere...even very common in the church these days.  I have to say though, that looking back to our friends and churches in NC and ND there hasn't been nearly as much divorce, thankfully! 

This morning I had the thought, "I'm going to blog about that today" but now I have no idea what that was in reference to!  I need to just write or type myself a note so I can remember once I finally have a chance to blog.  Today Gabe was a bit sick.  He woke up this morning and came in my room saying he didn't feel well and he just laid there for quite awhile.  He couldn't eat breakfast, said his stomach and head hurt.  I gave him some Tylenol and he laid around most of the morning.  Then he seemed to perk up and got dressed, made his bed (and his brother's), and even ate lunch so in the afternoon I had him do his schoolwork.  He seems fine now, thankfully!  Maybe the more this thing trickles down the less severe it is- I got the worst but I'd rather it be me than them!  Abby's been fine, but her appetite still isn't right and today she had quite a few nasty diapers!


Last night I had the craziest dreams.  The first one was more like a nightmare.  I must have woken up and there were spiders in the corner of the ceiling and they were spinning webs across my room and I just freaked out.  I came downstairs to get Zach and when we went back upstairs there were spiders in another corner too.  It sounds funny now, but it was seriously terrifying- especially when I was laying in the very spots they were above!  Two even came on my headboard!  EWWWW  (Sadie, I know you love this dream!  lol). 


The other dream I had was of me at a doctors office.  I think they were doing a vaginal ultrasound and it was right around all these windows!!!!  All these med students came in and it was just really weird.  I was even freaking out on my way home about driving home in snow!!??  Weird to remember both dreams in one night- I haven't remembered one in quite some time.

On a totally different note, I've been using quite a few Pampered Chef recipes lately.  Do you know you can find them online?  Here I keep buying their cookbooks!  The last few things I've made from there consist of putting the skillet in the oven!  It's so easy and yet delicious!  Speaking of food, I really need to make a menu up and figure out our Thanksgiving menu.  I guess it's just us...I should invite some people over but I just assume most have family around to go to.  I did invite a friend's sister who is alone in Des Moines, but I'm not sure she'll come!  I really want to open my home to people who have nowhere to go (maybe college students at church).  That always meant a lot to me when I was in college.  Hmm, maybe I need to contact my church about this...

Two funnies

Gabe: uh oh I think I'm gonna have diarrhea, as he's sitting on the toilet and grunting

Me: are you ok?

He then is done and I ask of his poop (to make sure it wasn't what he said): is it hard or soft

Gabe: I don't know I didn't feel it

Me still lol'ing....I sure hope he didn't FEEL it!!!!!
 
*******************************
 
has a little 2 year old ham in the house. I asked her what she wanted to eat for a snack and she pointed to a part on mommy where she used to get her milk from and said, "Mmmm"

Complaining

You'd think my children would be grateful that we're barely doing any school this week, yet they can't stop complaining about the measly work I give them.  So maybe I should keep piling it on!?!?  I'm so frustrated with them!  Be happy I'm doing you a favor and not piling on additional work this week since we missed 3 days last week!  I tell ya, a Mom sometimes just can't win.  On another note, why are they in and out, up and down and so loud at naptime!?!?  Yesterday they were so good and I actually fell asleep too.  Today they're driving me up the wall and already woke up Abby after only sleeping for 40 minutes!!!  I'm praying she fell back to sleep.  Seriously, I'm at a loss here!  I'm being 'nice', not making them do school during naptime and this is the thanks I get!?!?  On another note, I began potty training yesterday.  We've had some successes and some accidents.  It is funny though, because twice now when I've put a diaper on Abby and she starts to pee she freaks out and looks down at her legs, thinking there's pee trickling down them but it's contained in her diaper!  So, I think she's kinda getting it...at least knowing when she has to pee before it happens!  I just want to write off this day though.  I want to crawl back into bed and sleep away.  I have to take the boys to the dentist this afternoon.  Josiah needs a tooth pulled and Gabe needs sealants.  More money that we don't have down the tubes.  Why do all these things happen before Christmas!?!?  We have eye dr. appointments in a few weeks and I really need some new glasses (and I'm praying the kids won't need new ones) but how will I afford them?  Ok, enough complaining...I'm sleepy.

A new fave

When I was sick and talked to the doctor they said to drink this.  It's my new favorite drink.  Much healthier than pop!  I'm thankful because I've also been trying to stop drinking pop.  I've only tried the grape and one other kind.  I don't remember what that was because I was too sick to care.  I like the grape kind. 

Here I am!

I'm feeling back to myself again, thankfully!  I'm even more thankful that so far nobody seems to have gotten it still.  Which is kind of weird.  I was so very sick.  How did I get it and not them?  I'm glad it was me and not them, though!

Last night I went to see the movie, Like Dandelion Dust, with my friend, Sadie.  It is based on the book by Karen Kingsbury.  Oh boy, what a tear jerker.  There were a few points where I just could not stop the tears and was crying so hard.  Then at the end I felt like I could just pour out rivers, but it was all stuck- my throat and stomach hurt!  I love girly movies like that!  lol

Today I need to catch up on laundry and I just want to try to relax.  I also have the second and third books of the Hunger Games series from the library so I need to begin and finish those in three weeks.  I know once I get into them I won't want to put them down, so my goal is to get started today!  Zach is gone fishing so we'll see how much reading I get done though!

Did I ever mention that I think we 'finally' became members of our church?  Remember that whole fiasco?  Well, we never heard anything and finally Zach asked this guy who'd sat in on our testimony if he knew anything.  The guy said that the Sunday night before they'd read names but he couldn't remember the names read.  Well, then last week I received an email from our church, just a missionary update.  I've never before received emails from church so figured we must be 'in'.  I'm not sure how I feel about it!  lol  It was almost a huge headache to 'join', ya know?  Then yesterday I received another email, one the Pastor sends out to members.  So I guess it's official.  Speaking of churches, I am very sad to see so many people from our church in Mississippi divorcing.  What on earth!?!?  Why are the leaders of churches just allowing this to happen and not trying to step in and help?  It is so devastating. 

Some of you probably read this on facebook yesterday.  We went to co-op.  Gabe had gotten hit in the stomach with a soccer ball and was crying.  I told him I saw a boy in Hannah's class get hit in his private area and he didn't cry.  So, on the way home Gabe told his brother and sister, "A boy got hit in the crotch with a ball and didnt' cry."  Josiah's response was, "Did it break?"  Oh man, I busted out laughing!!!

Well, I should switch out the laundry and make the bed and shower and...relax!

Yucky

And the flu has hit!  GREAT!!!  I haven't gotten out of bed yet unless it's been to run to the bathroom!  I am praying really hard that my kids don't get it!  This is miserable- and it's been awhile since I've had the flu. 

Cuteness

It was so cute- I was getting ready for bed tonight and came out of my bathroom to this site!  Abby had climbed into my spot on the bed and opened up my computer and was 'typing' away!  I love her!

As I took the picture above off of Hannah's memory card I also found this picture of Abby.  Big sister playing dress up with little sister again!

Trying not to freak out

I'm really trying to not freak out.  Our finances are such a mess.  We've been so broke the past couple of months.  Zach has needed tires for his car so got two with the last paycheck and he still needs two more!  Christmas is coming up.  We're only going to be able to spend $50 on each child this year, which in some ways seems like a lot of money but considering how expensive everything is it's not much.  And I know Christmas is more than presents, but I hate not being able to afford to give my children things, ya know?  Then yesterday we got our statement for our what our new payment will be now that our taxes are kicking in.  It is not pretty, folks.  It's almost double of what we're currently paying.  Zach wonders why I worry and says he doesn't worry at all.  He also doesn't do the bills!  So please pray for us.  Pray for wisdom as I really somehow need to grasp what to do with our  money- how to stretch it better.  I've even considered doing childcare in my home or something but I seriously don't know how I would do that!  I know we get a pay raise in January but I doubt it will be much.  UGH, I hate dealing with money!!!  On the other hand, there have been instances where God has really been blessing us at the same time!  He is so good and I know He'll never leave us destitute or hungry.  I know He is trying to grow my trust in Him even more, but boy it is stretching in SO many ways!

Bleh

The throat is scratchy.  The ear feels like somethings draining.  A bit of a cough.  This time of the year stinks.  I just want to put on my pj's and crawl back into bed and do nothing.  But I'm washing bedding and was hoping to break out the winter coats today and get those washed up.  That won't happen.  Somehow we have so much laundry (I just did it on Thursday).  I'm hoping maybe I can forgo my normal Monday wash day and just do the winter things then.  We'll see how much I get done today!  At least it's this weekend I feel so cruddy because next weekend I'm going to an overnight retreat!!!  I am really looking forward to that.

Un-believe-able

So, since I finally started my new blog I can blog about other things here.  Not that I couldn't in the first place.  Be sure to check that one too though, as I'll still post there every day in October.  Anyway, I can't believe this is our 7th or 8th week of school.  Wow!  Time is just FLYING!  It seems like our school year JUST started!  I guess that's a good sign?  I'm surprised how well the kids are doing.  Not like every day is perfect- nothing like that.  I'm just amazed how much they remember from last year. 

Especially Gabe...I wasn't sure what he'd remember from last year and we've just been able to breeze through a lot of stuff.  Of course the beginning of the year is review, but I'm still surprised.  He doesn't always have a good attitude when it comes time to do school (he whines most of the time about it), but he does real well when he sits and does it.  I've had to continually work with him on his handwriting and writing his letters correctly, but I think maybe he's finally getting it.

Josiah finished school first today!  I have no idea how on earth that happened!!!  I think he was pretty proud of himself.  He has to write a letter this week and he's writing to his Grandpa Larry about going to the pumpkin patch.  He's been doing real well also.  We're reading an Abeka reader (it maybe be later 2nd grade level) about what life was like in Jesus' time and it's so interesting to us both!

Hannah still has a hard time coming up with adding details to her writing.  It can tend to be boring and I feel I have to keep prodding her.  I don't know what to do to get her to think of ideas by herself!  She always likes to be the one done 'first' or before lunchtime.  I think she just likes to have her afternoons free, although even if she is done with her work before lunch we still have history or science afterwards.

I'm memorizing scripture with them all and am amazed at how well they remember the verses!  In history we've been watching a lot of videos on Jamestown, John Smith and Pocahontas.  Interesting!  We went to the zoo on Friday for science and did some Zoobooks so we'll work on those a bit more tomorrow.  I love the hands-on stuff.  I was going to sign us up for a Homeschool Safari at the zoo but they charge like $8 a student (that's with a zoo membership, its more if you're not a member)!  Also, they don't allow the parents to sit in on the class.  I don't like that- I'd want to sit and listen to what they're learning too.  So, forget it!

I'm hoping the rest of our school year goes this quickly but I think once the snow falls things will slow down.  Oh well, at least for now its flying!  The kids are also enjoying the co-op we joined (as am I). 

Revealing

As I lie in bed last night I was bummed that I didn't blog yesterday!!!  I wanted to hit every day this month with a post!  Oh well, ya can't win 'em all!  Anyway, without further ado, here is the link to my new blog: http://theyaresafelyhome.blogspot.com/.  Feel free to share it with anybody as it is not private.  I hope that God will use it for His glory.

Remembering our Babies

Friday was Pregnancy & Infant Loss Rememberance Day.  This is what we did at 7 pm to remember our babies:

Four simple words

"How are you doing?"

Just four simple words.  Words we ask so flippantly, so often.  Yet words that can really mean so much to a person who is hurting.  Just yesterday as I was driving to the store I was pondering these words.  We tend to ask this question of people often, expecting their simple answer of, "fine, good, ok".  When we ask this, are we really, really wanting to know how people are doing?  It's such a formality.  And that is ok.  I am known to do this quite often!  I think also, our tone of voice can depict how we truly mean this question, as can our surroundings.  Passing an acquaintance in a store, we may say hello, ask how they're doing and move on to buy our items. 

So often people ask, "Hey Jamie, how are you doing?"  I am honest and answer "Okay."  I'm not good, not bad, just "Okay."  But we don't have a chance to elaborate, or feel we can.  Does that make sense?  I'm guilty of this just as much as the next guy.  Do I really want to know how she's doing when I ask her?  It's something we really need to think about.  It's something we need to practice- to truly care about how they're doing.

Last night I went to a Mom's Night Out with the women from our homeschool co-op.  I think most women there last night at least 'know of' my recent loss.  As the night wore on I was able to sit by K, a woman who grieves in a whole different way.  You see she has one child.  She tried for 5 years for this child and was blessed.  Since then they've desired more children but the Lord has not yet blessed her womb.  She grieves for the babies she hasn't yet been able to carry.  She can empathize, in a sense, my grief.  So, as our group began to break down into little conversations around the room she turned to me and asked, "How are you doing?" in the most sincere, caring voice, truly wanting to know the answer.  I answered.  I thanked her.  And I praised God for hearing the thoughts I'd had earlier in the day!

Strong Enough

It is so weird.  I've been going through old posts to add to my new blog.  While I try not to read things, I do catch bits and pieces so I know what is appropriate for that blog.  Well, so many of them sound the same as they do now!  I experienced the same things with each baby lost as I do now.  It just seems crazy to me. 

I told Zach I want to do something special on my 'due date', though at this point I haven't come up with anything concrete.  I do have ideas though.  Do you have any thoughts or ideas for me?  I was just talking to my mom today about the holidays.  Here I'm so set on trying to get through my 'due date' that I can't even think about the approaching holidays.  But today I was thinking about how hard Thanksgiving will be...and a fleeting thought of Christmas.  My mom is thinking about possibly coming for Christmas.  I think that would be wonderful.  I think it would "help" me so much to have her here!  Nothing like a mama's company, right?  But, like I said I really can't even "go" there. 

I'm so very thankful I don't have to rely on my own strength to get through these times.  I'm so glad I have a Rock, Anchor, Fortress, Strong Tower that I can ran to!  Speaking of strength, these are the lyrics to Matthew West's new song 'Strong Enough'.  It couldn't really sum it up any better.  This is the story behind the song.  You can listen to this song here.

You must



You must think I'm strong


To give me what I'm going through






Well, forgive me


Forgive me if I'm wrong


But this looks like more than I can do


On my own






I know I'm not strong enough to be


everything that I'm supposed to be


I give up


I'm not strong enough


Hands of mercy won't you cover me


Lord right now I'm asking you to be


Strong enough


Strong enough


For the both of us






Well, maybe


Maybe that's the point


To reach the point of giving up






Cause when I'm finally


Finally at rock bottom


Well, that's when I start looking up


And reaching out






I know I'm not strong enough to be


Everything that I'm supposed to be


I give up


I'm not strong enough


Hands of mercy won't you cover me


Lord right now I'm asking you to be


Strong enough


Strong enough






Cause I'm broken


Down to nothing


But I'm still holding on to the one thing


You are God


and you are strong


When I am weak






I can do all things


Through Christ who gives me strength


And I don't have to be


Strong enough


Strong enough






I can do all things


Through Christ who gives me strength


And I don't have to be


Strong enough


Strong enough






Oh, yeah






I know I'm not strong enough to be


Everything that I'm supposed to be


I give up


I'm not strong enough


Hands of mercy won't you cover me


Lord right now I'm asking you to be


Strong enough


Strong enough


Strong enough

Waiting Room

Another song that really spoke to me that Jonny Diaz sang at the concert.

Blow by blow

Last night my dear Abby would not fall asleep.  She was so tired that she just could not stop crying.  Finally I laid her in my arm and began to sing 'Jesus Loves Me'.  I made it through the song two times before I just lost it and she crashed at last.  I realized I will never get to hold little Nathaniel in my arms and sing songs to him and put him to sleep with my horrible singing voice.  I just sobbed and sobbed as I held her in my arms.  Today I went to my friend's house.  Her baby is 7 weeks old.  Abby just adores him.  She was so eager to hold him, give him his pacifier.  It just breaks my heart to see her missing out on having a baby brother.  I found out yesterday a good friend of mine here is having a baby boy.  She lives down the street from me and our daughter's play often.  It's going to be another piece 'missing' when she has her baby- to think our boys could have played together also.  Sigh.  As my due date approaches I cringe.  I'm so scared for that day to come.  To think tomorrow I "would" be 37 weeks.  I'd be huge, uncomfortable and anxious to meet my baby.  Sigh.

Grieving the Loss of Yourself

I am hoping in my spare time (what spare time, I'm not sure) to make another blog that can be public dealing w/infant loss, miscarriage, etc.  I hope to 'transport' my posts from this blog onto that, even as far back as baby "Grace".  We'll see how this goes! 

On another note, reading Becky Avella's book, 'And Then You Were Gone' (which I've mentioned before) something really struck me.  She talked about how you're forever changed by the loss of a baby.  Obviously.  She talked about how you need to also grieve how you change from this- that you will never be the same person.  It just totally struck me.  I mean hear you grieve the loss of your baby, but you also grieve the loss of yourself, ya know?  I've never even thought of that before.  I mean I know I've changed drastically with each loss, but never thought about how I have to deal with my 'change'.  Just something I've been pondering.  I have to be honest with you that I don't like the 'new' me.  Sure, God gives us these things to 'grow' us and in some ways I have but in others I just feel so lost, questioning and searching, angry and feeling hopeless at times.  And let's talk about the physical- it is sickening!  I weigh more now than I did when I was pregnant with Nathaniel and more than I have in well...I don't know since I've been pregnant?  It is frustrating!  I always seem to 'gain' weight after I lose a baby but c'mon!  So, I've been skipping some meals and such, hoping to lose some of it.  I need to start walking or getting on the treadmill but I seriously don't know when to do so.  It is hard to fit in one more thing!  Anyway, that is today's thoughts :)

Walk to Remember

Today a local hospital had a 'Walk to Remember'.  I haven't been to one before, and though I'd heard about it I still didn't really know what to expect.  I was anticipating it and yet dreading it at the same time- what a way to honor my babies but what a mess I would/could be!!!

We arrived and I filled out a form with our name/info and then walked to the next table.  They had little battery operated candles that say, "Mercy Walk to Remember" with an angel on them (Mercy is the name of the hospital).  They also had white roses with white ribbon where you could write your baby's name on the ribbon.  For some reason I just began to cry right then.  The lady across the table, the volunteer, just hugged me and looked like she was going to get teary.  It just overwhelmed me for a moment there.  We then went to a room where they were putting the siblings handprints on a mural type thing.  They're going to hang that on the Maternity Ward somewhere, near a room that they tend to use for people experiencing the loss of a baby. 

When we walked into the auditorium I could not believe all the people in there!  We almost couldn't find a seat and there were still a lot of people that had to come in!  It was overwhelming and so very sad to think we were all there for such a reason, that we've all lost babies, whether they were our child, brother, sister, etc.  It was also almost a comfort.  To know that so many others have walked this road.  We are not alone.  I hate that we all have to be on this path though.

They had a woman playing a harp, they had some special songs, prayers, poems and other 'snippets'.  I held it together pretty well.  In one part there were readers reading some scripture and the audience responds with a certain scripture (reminded me of Catholic church).  I almost did lose it then and couldn't speak aloud for a bit.  We 'lit' our candles.  We then walked around the 'campus' of the hospital.  It was simply amazing- all of us people.  I think there were at least 300!  Can you believe that?  As cars passed us I just felt so humbled to be able to do such a thing for my precious babies.  We had a picture taken in front of a fountain and then walked to the 'Memory Garden'.  There was a violinist, some reading and each person took their rose to the foot of an angel statue and spoke the name of the baby they were honoring.  Amazing.

I hate that we have to be part of that 'club', part of something like that.  At the same time I am so very thankful that we have something like that here that we can take part in.  I hope that while we're still here we'll make it an annual affair for our family.  I hope that the next place we move also has such a thing to honor our precious little ones.

Zach really thought this song was a tear-jerker:

STILL

music & lyrics: Gerrit Hofsink


I’ve been waiting for you
For such a long time
You’re always on my mind


And I’m lying awake
Most of the night
Waiting to hold you tight


Now that I do
And look at you
My heart is breaking
This can’t be true


Chorus:
Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again


Close to my soul
Close to my heart
Right from the start


Lost in time
Lost in space
Can’t wait to see your face


Now that I do
And look at you
My heart is breaking
I know it’s true


Chorus:
Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again


Sometimes I find myself wondering what to do
With this pain that I’m going through
But I know one day, God will take me away
And I’m coming home to you
And when I do
And look at you
My heart is healing
I know it’s true


Chorus:
Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again