Monday, October 11, 2010

Grieving the Loss of Yourself

I am hoping in my spare time (what spare time, I'm not sure) to make another blog that can be public dealing w/infant loss, miscarriage, etc.  I hope to 'transport' my posts from this blog onto that, even as far back as baby "Grace".  We'll see how this goes! 

On another note, reading Becky Avella's book, 'And Then You Were Gone' (which I've mentioned before) something really struck me.  She talked about how you're forever changed by the loss of a baby.  Obviously.  She talked about how you need to also grieve how you change from this- that you will never be the same person.  It just totally struck me.  I mean hear you grieve the loss of your baby, but you also grieve the loss of yourself, ya know?  I've never even thought of that before.  I mean I know I've changed drastically with each loss, but never thought about how I have to deal with my 'change'.  Just something I've been pondering.  I have to be honest with you that I don't like the 'new' me.  Sure, God gives us these things to 'grow' us and in some ways I have but in others I just feel so lost, questioning and searching, angry and feeling hopeless at times.  And let's talk about the physical- it is sickening!  I weigh more now than I did when I was pregnant with Nathaniel and more than I have in well...I don't know since I've been pregnant?  It is frustrating!  I always seem to 'gain' weight after I lose a baby but c'mon!  So, I've been skipping some meals and such, hoping to lose some of it.  I need to start walking or getting on the treadmill but I seriously don't know when to do so.  It is hard to fit in one more thing!  Anyway, that is today's thoughts :)


I am OK said...

I think your blog idea is very good. It might help others to know they aren't alone. It seems no matter what the situation everyone seems to have that common thread - we feel so alone. I look forward to reading it and recommending it.

Kim said...

I think thats a fantastic idea for a new blog. You may help yourself heal and some other reader as well.Dont be so hard on yourself about the weight issue. I dotn think you need the stress of losing weight on your mind as well. Your beautiful no matter what!