Tomorrow, tomorrow....

Maybe holds the answers!?!?  After 5 stinkin' weeks I finally caved in and called the doctors office!  Boy, am I glad I did (they said they were too).  Apparently my chart got pushed aside or something when Dr. D was on vacation.  Real nice.  Oh well, they were kind about it and will see me tomorrow afternoon with the results.  I knew they wouldn't give me any information over the phone and the nurse on the phone said, "The doctor is much better at explaining the results and helping you know what to do to have a successful pregnancy in the future." (or something similar along those lines).  Soooo, that seriously leads me to believe they found the answer.  I hope, anyway.  Otherwise, would she have said that?  Then again, some of the women I've been meeting have gotten such answers, thinking they were 'good to go' only to get pregnant again, lose that baby, do further testing and find out it was other things also.  BUT I rest in God's hands in this.  As I read in a book we're reading in the Mommies with Hope Bible study- these tests are maybe a means to healing, as are many other things.  They will not give me the fulfillment I need, only God can do that (totally paraphrased that).  So, hopefully at this time tomorrow I'll be sitting with Dr. D receiving word.  And maybe, just maybe this month we can give it a try again?

In other news, if you follow me on facebook you know I broke my toe.  Just a real tiny break- he couldn't even see it until the 3rd X-ray and that had to be magnified.  But, it'd enough to hurt that's for sure!  I do notice I can walk a bit easier today that I could on Monday.  What happened?  We went to an open house on Sunday and I was walking down the stairs, talking to the real estate agent and reading the paper she'd handed me.  I came to the landing at the bottom and assumed I had two more stairs, but there were three.  So, I fell on my knees but somewhere in there my big feet got in the way.  I am so clumsy- I totally need to be locked up :-)  For so many reasons!  But, as I was thinking about it the other day, at least I wasn't pregnant with a broken toe!  I couldn't imagine being 35 weeks pregnant with a broken toe (yes, I'd be 35 weeks today)! 

Expounding

Ok, so it's not just that I prayed a prayer as a girl, asking Jesus into my heart.  It is so much more than that and I feel I need to explain.  Once I made the commitment to follow Jesus I turned away from the life I once lived, a life of sin.  Does that mean I'm now sinless and perfect?  By no means for "No one is perfect, not even one".  It means I'm conscious of my sins and try to walk in the light of Jesus.  It also means I have a relationship with Him.  I can't simply just say I believe in Him, but there also has to be fruit.  Now, I'd hope that for the last 23 years there's been good fruit in my life!  If not then I am not walking with Jesus.  He is not just my Lord and Savior, He is my friend.  When, as a girl, I desired a daddy to spend time with me so much, Jesus turned into my Daddy, my Heavenly Daddy.  How do I grow in Him?  I pray to Him.  I need to pray more, though.  One of my downfalls is that I tend to run to people with my problems instead of God.  I also read the Holy Bible, the Words written by Him but penned by men He ordained.  I study it.  I attend church where I can learn more about Him, take place in corporate worship and have fellowship with other believers.  I've fallen through the years, many times hard, but I know I am secure in my salvation in Him.  My salvation doesn't give me the right to sin, but the grace He gives covers my sin.  The past few months have been some of the lowest of my life and I've questioned God repeatedly in light of my grief.  Nobody knows grief like God though, for He watched His only Son die on the cross the most brutal death.  His only Son.  For OUR sins. 

John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Romans 5: 6-8 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Acts 16:31 "Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved- you and your household."

Romans 3:10 As it is written: "There is no one righteous, not even one;"

John 15:4 Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

Isaiah 30:21 Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."

2 Timothy 3:16 All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness

Hebrews 10:25 Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Isaiah 53:3 He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

And one of my favorite verses is Proverbs 3:5,6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. This is so true. As difficult as it is, we can't just trust in God in our good times, the times we're on the mountaintop. We also need to trust in Him in the valleys, in the most difficult times of our lives. He will always, always see us through if we allow Him to work through us. I believe that with all of my heart, even though it's not always the easy thing to do.

Update on 'Honesty'

Ok, so I'm going to fill you in on our meeting at church.  We walked into the Pastor's office and it was filled with 10 deacons!  Seriously, they were intent on 'knowing' us, I guess!  So, here are Zach and I on a couch facing 11 people!  Yikes!  They first asked Zach his salvation story and why we want to be member's of the church.  They asked him a few questions and then turned to me.  I was so nervous- I hate talking in front of people and I could feel my face just getting redder and redder. 

I told them how I grew up going to church.  How my mom would drop me off at church and I'd go to Sunday School and then in church sit in the front row alone.  I was just a young girl.  Then we went to a Tent Meeting, a 'revival' and I went into the children's tent.  There was a guy named Grandpa Happy who taught us about Jesus.  I then learned the message of salvation and gave my life to Jesus.  (This may not all be word for word how I said it).  I can't remember if they began with questions then.  I know I was only 10 at the time and shared that.  I think they asked how my life changed or something to that affect and what I meant by 'getting saved'.  Somebody asked me what the Cross meant to me.  Geez, I was being bombarded with questions!  I said something about God and the Pastor piped in about Jesus and who is Jesus to me?  I guess because I said the word God and not Jesus, they probably thought I didn't know God & Jesus were the same.  Seriously, when I'm nervous my words just don't come out right.  I can't even remember what else they asked me, but it was like they were doubting my salvation!!!  WOW!  I KNOW I'm saved!  I wish now I could have shared more.  And our lives with the Lord are a 'work in progress'.  I fall, I stumble, but I get back up.  I know Jesus died for my sins on the cross- that all my sins were there on the cross with every beating, every anguished cry.  I believe in Him, turned from my sins, gave my life over too Him and try (and fail) daily to live for Him. 

When we were done they didn't even say anything about whether we're 'accepted' as members or not!  So we have NO idea!  Zach thinks they won't accept us because of the way they drilled me!  I was encouraged when he turned to me though and said, "I know you're saved."  And you know what, I know I'm saved too.  The Lord knows my heart.  But at the same time, it sure gets you to doubt your salvation if you know what I mean.  I began to question if indeed I was.  Wow!  I have assurance though that I am indeed going to Heaven, that I am indeed the Lord's child and that JESUS died on the cross for MY sins.

When we went to small group the other night Zach was telling the leader how we met with the elders.  He 'acted' surprised about how it went but to me it almost seemed a show to me so I wonder if he heard about it (he is the pastor's son-in-law).  Maybe it's just all in my head too.  Do I even want to go to a church like this, to be a member here?  I'm so torn.  Of course I have to follow my husband's lead in this, but geez, it was almost very discouraging =(  Now I'm determined to 'write down' my salvation story so next time I get it 'right'.  As if I don't know it.  I think the thing is that I was so young when I was saved.  Like I said though, we're 'works in progress'.  Sigh.

Ranting

Sigh.  Scream.  Sigh.  This is how I feel right now.  I'm at the END of my rope today!  What a horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE day.  I don't know what the deal is, but my 10 year old is being a major brat.  Seriously, the last straw was her attempt at tracing her hands for a project we were working on.  I suggested that each of the three of them help one another with tracing hands, but the boys were determined to do their own and were done tracing in no time at all.  Well, said 10 yr old decides to just throw a fit about it, attempting to get them perfect, crying, erasing, whining...the whole thing.  Seriously????  I know tracing our hands isn't always that easy, but suck it up and do it!!!  She got them traced, rather sloppily, but I told her to cut them out of which she did the worst job ever.  I just lost it.  Told her to clean up.  Put everything away.  She didn't get to partake in the project that her brothers had already FINISHED.  And you know its bad when she finishes before Josiah!!!  So, she got some more spankings and I sent her to her room.  I don't even want to LOOK at her right now- it will not be pretty!  I'm just fed up.  This is the project the boys got to make.  We've been studying birds in science and as our last project they made ostriches :)  I love them!!!

Then I don't know if it's my computer, websites or what but I can't open ANYTHING.  Swagbucks isn't working, facebook isn't working.  C'mon people!  It's called technology- get with it! 

Sometimes I just feel like I could really explode when I get so mad.  I hate that feeling, ya know?  And I've been praying, reading my devotions and yet still feel like such a FAILURE.  The sucky weather doesn't help either...cloudy, rainy, windy...I need some SUNSHINE in so many ways!  Anyway, thanks for listening to me rant! 

Honesty

Acts 2: 42-47

They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.

I wrote another post this morning, but I didn't publish it. I just don't want to come across the wrong way. I don't want to come across as being whiny, I simply want to state my heart in this matter. My heart has been heavy on this very issue for some time. I don't want to get into my complaints or disappointments here, at least not in depth!

We have attended our current church for over a year now. A year ago we joined a cell group. We go to a relatively large (large to us) church that has two morning services to accommodate numbers. We haven't really gone to the 'coffee time' between services too often, I admit. I attended a Women's Retreat in the spring and Zach just attended a Men's Retreat. We've had I think only one family in our home for fellowship, aside from the normal cell group times, although we've invited a few others. I've gotten together with the gals from cell group to fellowship and have dinner or dessert or coffee. Aside from those instances, aside from the 'set' meeting times there's been little else, although we were provided meals after losing Nathaniel from both our cell group and a sister group.

Today is a 'big' day. A few months ago we attended the 3 hour long membership class. A few weeks ago we turned in our membership application, enclosing our written testimony. The next part is to meet with the deacon(s) and verbally give your testimony. That is what is taking place tonight. I am nervous. I don't feel ready. Not nervous about my testimony or sharing it, but nervous about joining a church that I'm just currently not comfortable in. I think Zach's main goal in becoming members is so that we're able to serve, which makes sense. I love the preaching, the songs/worship are wonderful but I feel like the fellowship is really lacking for us.

I know we're 'new'. I know many people have gone to this church for years. Many went to Bible college together. Many are family with one another. But does that excuse them from embracing new families? Are we just falling through the cracks or are there others like us who feel the same way? Now that we'll be official members will we be more 'accepted'? I just feel like a church body should be like the verses above. We should be breaking bread together, meeting throughout the week, etc. I have had one very short playdate with one person from our cell group (at my house). One. One family has come for dinner. One. Whatever happened to the encouraging one another, fellowship, meals, actually knowing one another?

I told Zach last night that I feel like in the 3 weeks that I've gone to a homeschool co-op that I've met and am getting to know more people than in the year and a half we've been going to church. I knew of maybe 2 or 3 women before said co-op but never really sat and visited with them much. How sad!!! I don't mind that my fellowship comes from co-op or other homeschool events, but should said fellowship come more from those than from your own church family?

And my husband really put himself on the line going to the Men's Retreat not really knowing anybody too well. I'm proud of him! I think it's (normally) easier for us women to do such things than men. Do you know that the people who talked with him were older men??? Men our parent's age and older? Seriously, how sad is that!?!

UGH, I am just so frustrated! I'm really not 'feeling' it, really not desiring to be a part of this body. I will follow my husband's leadership if that is what he feels is right, and I'll pray that maybe more doors will open for us to fellowship with others once we're finally 'in'. But why should it take a form and interview to be 'accepted'? Or maybe I'm just putting too much in the way of 'feelings' into this. There are also some other instances I could write about that have me doubting this step, like the fact that a friend who doesn't even go to this church contacted them after I lost Nathaniel and was really needing tangible help, but I was never contacted on it and neither was she. Could this be the reason I feel so ill this weekend, why my stomach is seriously hurting? Please just pray for us. Pray for me, that my emotions don't get in the way of my judgement on this.

Poopies and Funnies

What an interesting park day. Thankfully the park we were at had a bathroom- an outhouse. Josiah really, really had to go. He did not want to go in that bathroom but what can ya do. When you gotta go that bad you really have to go! So, it rained last night and the outhouse was a bit wet. The toilet paper was wet. He was going to have to sit down AND use the TP. Hmm...thank goodness for wipes! I just stuck wipes on the seat and he had to use wipes. Poor kid. Gabe had to go too, thankfully not as bad as Josiah so he just sprayed the fence by the bathroom! Then, leave it to Abby to poop in her diaper! When I finished changing her I noticed she had poop on her finger. Lovely. I'm thinking that soon I'm going to take a few days off of school, be low key and at home and have some potty training days. I just can't work potty training into a full school day, ya know? So, while I had a great time visiting and getting to know some other homeschool mama's better it was interesting in a few other departments.

On a funny note, Hannah wasn't remembering her multiplication facts very well. She told me a few different times that she must have been brainwashed over the summer (meaning she forgot them). I was wondering why and were she got the brainwashed thing from, until I was reading last night. I'm reading a book of hers called The Girl Who Could Fly. Sure, its a 'childrens' book but it is like 300 pages and really good. Ahha- I saw where she got 'brainwashed' from!

More funnies...

Some of you may have seen some of these on facebook. I'm just recording them for my own memory :)

The kid that lives behind us has a RED mohawk. Josiah says he looks like the Pharaoh and we should call him that! :D


The other night I was listening to music on my iPod with Abby. She was trying to sing along. She brings me such joy :)



Abby pointed to Sleeping Beauty on her nightgown and said, "What's that, Mom?" Before I answered she answered her own question with, "Mama!" Glad she thinks her Mama is as pretty as a princess!


The other day when we were talking about the dog park they made in our town Hannah asked, "Do they have dog slides and stuff too?" LOL Gotta love it!


My "baby" fell asleep with her finger up her nose!!!


We are memorizing a Bible verse- Galatians 2:20 'I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live...'. When Gabe was saying it the other day he said something like, "I have been goosfiedwithrice" (he ran it all together and the word rice was definitely in there). LOL

My kids cannot say memorize. I think they mix it up with the word remember. Earlier Hannah said to me, "Mom, I gotta rememorize my poem for co-op."

And I'll even include one about the dog. I was reading a Jesse Bear book to Abby yesterday and making up my own words. There's a picture of Daddy coming home and so I shouted, "Daddy's home!" just like I do when he's really home. Daisy loves when Daddy comes home- she barks and runs to the door and goes ballistic. So when I said that, at 8 am, she was going crazy! It was so funny!

Bittersweet

Yesterday my friend Sadie & her kiddos came over. We were walking to the park when Gabe fell in some weeds on the trail and began to itch all over. He was miserable and was barely able to stand up to walk, but surprisingly didn't cry or anything. I feared maybe it was poison ivy and we turned around to come home and figure out what to do. I headed straight for my laptop and Google and found out I *think* it was stinging nettles. It was weird because by the time I got home it looked better! I wiped it with a baby wipe right after it happened and when we got home I washed it with dish soap (it was both one leg and one arm). There were little raised bumps on both, but an hour later you could barely see them. Zach brought home Benadryl and Calamine lotion and we gave him both. Today its barely there and he hasn't said a word about it. Weird.





Anyway, my post was not supposed to be about that adventure, although I'm so proud of how calm I remained! I think it really helped just having Sadie there, another adult. I just feel like I handled it well (giving myself a pat on the back)! So, to get to my original point. I got to hold her 3 week old baby, which was the benefit of missing the park! What a sweetie that little guy is! I was pretty well composed until Abby was curious when I started to give him his bottle and burp him. When I was burping him she came over and wanted to give him his bottle. She opened her mouth wide as if she was inserting it in her mouth and then helped put it in his mouth! It was SO sweet and funny!!! She 'held' him for a bit also. It really makes me sad for her...I feel like not only are we 'jipped' a baby but so are our children. She won't have a little baby of her own to help mama with :(

Tonight I had my Pampered Chef party. At first it appeared I'd have like 3 people but like 10 or more people showed up! Holy Smokes!!! Sadie brought the baby again and another gal had her baby also. I had Abby come down at the end and once again she was so curious with the babies. She was jealous at one point when I held Landon and another time she looked around asking where he was because someone else was holding him and he wasn't where she saw him last! When she was brought up to bed she waved and said, "Bye baby." The other gal had her baby laying on the floor for awhile and Abby went over to him just petting him and sitting by him, trying to give him his pacifier. When I went to pick him up she followed me, sat in the chair next to me at the table and just wanted to look at him. Then she wanted to hold him!!!! She patted his head, kissed him and even poked his eyes- OOPS! I was teary eyed. It was absolutely precious and I just wanted to scream out at God, "WHY did you have to take HER baby brother from her??????" It just doesn't seem right, ya know?



Also, when I was holding Landon tonight Hannah commented and said she wished Abby was still that small and she looked all teary eyed. I then said to her that we "should" be having one of our own soon and she started to cry, which then had me crying! Sometimes I feel like they forget I was ever pregnant. I did think it was weird yesterday that she didn't seem interested in Landon at all and when I asked her if she wanted to hold him she pretty much ignored me. It really breaks my heart. I miss my baby so much and then to see how my children "miss" him too- it KILLS me! Not a day goes by that I don't think about it. Heck, I'd be huge by now. Even with all the pregnant women here tonight...sigh. I just wanna be in their shoes, ya know? Aches, pains and all. Maybe I haven't blogged about this all in awhile, maybe I don't talk about it as much but it's still so raw. It still aches and hurts and sometimes just ticks me off. Tonight is one of those nights where I'll fall asleep crying. For not only is it a loss to this Mama and Daddy but to the precious sisters and brothers.

You know your child is homeschooled when:

They're 8 years old and cannot tie their shoes. Now granted, they lived in the South for most of their life and really have not worn shoes with ties all that often, but still.

They can't jump rope at 10 years old.

:) Just had to share!

Seasons change

Well, I spent my only sleeping in day waking early to hit some garage sales. This was probably the last time of the season I'll be going out. I began the season saling with Sadie and we ended it that way too! We hit quite a few of them- I'm surprised how many there were today, being fall AND the Iowa vs Iowa State game. We'd hit one that was on my list from the paper and what do ya know that we'd find at least another in the same area. I was on the lookout for some more shirts for Abby as well as warmer pj's. I was also looking for pj's for Josiah, but figuring I probably wouldn't find any since you don't normally find anything for them! Well, i got Abby lots and lots of cute little pj's, a few shirts and an outfit or two. I also got a cute shelf for the boys' room that has little bins to put things in it. It's perfect for their little toys they always leave in their room or their CD's or wallets. I picked up the movie 'My Girl'. I was just thinking the other day how I hadn't seen it in ages and then I saw it so I had to get it! I'm sure Hannah would like it too. I also got Abby a little toy dr. kit. Hannah got a skirt. I managed to pick up two winter coats and snowpants for my friend, Jenn- which were only $7!!! It was a great morning for sales! So, until next year...you can find me at 'normal' stores or maybe a thrift or consignment shop when I'm looking for clothes for the kids!

Reminder

Remind me why I do this again. WHY do I homeschool? I thought it was supposed to be ENJOYABLE! Why is it EVERY day SOMEBODY cries, if not EVERYBODY???? WHAT am I doing WRONG??? I think I just feel like I don't have my 'children's hearts', if that makes sense (if you've read Tedd Tripp's book you'd know what I'm talking about). I just feel so lost, like everything I'm doing is just a lost effort. Satan's really been working on getting me down these days.

Hump Day Funnies

Some cute things from my kiddos:

Yesterday Gabe wanted to turn on the TV. He says to Hannah, "I know how to turn on the TV. See, you press this button- it says Tuv." He was trying to sound out the word! I had to tell him it was just as it was- T.V.

Yesterday I looked over at Abby. She was sitting on the stairs with her baby doll, holding her in a position like the baby was nursing. CUTE! I wonder if she remembers being nursed or what, because she sure hasn't seen anybody nursing in awhile!

When Zach got home from work yesterday Gabe said to him, "Dad, I found your phone number song on the radio." Zach says, "You mean 867-5309?" Gabe says no and starts to sing the song that is Zach's ringtone! LOL Cute!

Down, down, down

Do you ever just feel like throwing in the towel? Saying, "WHY bother?" I've been SOOOO feeling that way lately. Like why do I bother to do this when THAT happens? I can't really elaborate, but I sure feel like everything I do is just a waste of time. I hate it. I KNOW what I'm doing is RIGHT, yet....blah. Life rots.

One Week Under Our Belts

It's hard to believe our first week has gone by. It certainly was a busy one. By the second day I was ready to just quit and pick it up again some other time! It was mostly dealing with attitudes and such at that point, but MOM has been more CONSISTENT in discipline measures and that really has helped with the rest of the week (for the most part). It is nice that the first week or two are pretty much review. We did a few projects this week, like make the Pinta, Nina and Santa Maria.

Yesterday we had our first day of co-op. It went really well. Abby didn't even cry when I brought her to the nursery- she just went right in and played happily the whole 3 hours! I'm sure I missed her more than she missed me! I helped in gym time and that was ok. I'm not much of an athletic person but I didn't have to do much :) Probably one of the easiest 'jobs' there! It was a lot of fun watching the preschool and kindergartners play kickball :) The kids had a lot of fun also. The subjects are Music, Gym, Art & Science. In science Hannah's learning Chemistry and the boys both learned about the earth's crust, core and mantle. They also get a snack time in there. I met a few people as well and just feel thankful for all the people God has been placing in my life.

It was such a busy week and I have been exhausted last night and today because of it! I'm thankful its a long weekend and hoping to do much of nothing but so far that hasn't been the case :) And today is almost over! I got a sitter lined up for tonight so Zach and I will go out and do something- just not sure what! I really want to go shopping as I only fit in two pairs of pants, but we'll see. I could always go another day if he's not interested in watching me try on clothes :)

Not to ruffle feathers here, I thought this was cute

You Must Be Homeschooled If...

1. Someone asks what grade you're in and you're not sure.
2. You sometimes go to school in your pajamas.
3. You sleep till 9:00 am on school days, but get up early on Sundays.
4. Your favorite author is Jane Austen (girls) or Robert Louis Stevenson (boys).
5. Your birthday is an official school holiday.
6. You don't get to stay home from school when you're sick.
7. Your favorite activity is reading.
8. You know what a unit study is.
9. You have attempted to teach yourself physics.
10. You know the scientific names of dinosaurs from A to Z.
11. Watching a movie means you'll have to write a report comparing the film to the book.
12. You dress up as historical or literary characters for Halloween.
13. You exchange e-mail Valentines with your homeschool pen pals.
14. You can get science credit for going to the dentist or doctor.
15. You go to the park for P.E.
16. You check out at least ten books every time you visit the library.
17. You get books and science kits for your birthday.
18. Your board games all have names like "Bookworm", "Scrabble", "S'math", "Game of Knowledge", and "Name The State".
19. Your home library is arranged in Dewey Decimal order.
20. Your favorite place to study is outside, under a tree.
21. You memorize math formulas and Latin root words for fun.
22. You never get nervous on the first day of school.
23. The only bully you ever run into is your big brother.
24. You are unaware of the current fads, fashions, and slang terms.
25. You have no idea what rock bands are currently popular.
26. You don't have to worry about forgetting your lunch or your schoolbooks.
27. You don't have to remember a locker combination, just your computer password.
28. There are only nine students in your class - but all of them are your brothers and sisters.
29. Your school bus is a nine-passenger van.
30. You can get extra credit for cleaning your room.
* * *