Tuesday, September 14, 2010


Yesterday my friend Sadie & her kiddos came over. We were walking to the park when Gabe fell in some weeds on the trail and began to itch all over. He was miserable and was barely able to stand up to walk, but surprisingly didn't cry or anything. I feared maybe it was poison ivy and we turned around to come home and figure out what to do. I headed straight for my laptop and Google and found out I *think* it was stinging nettles. It was weird because by the time I got home it looked better! I wiped it with a baby wipe right after it happened and when we got home I washed it with dish soap (it was both one leg and one arm). There were little raised bumps on both, but an hour later you could barely see them. Zach brought home Benadryl and Calamine lotion and we gave him both. Today its barely there and he hasn't said a word about it. Weird.

Anyway, my post was not supposed to be about that adventure, although I'm so proud of how calm I remained! I think it really helped just having Sadie there, another adult. I just feel like I handled it well (giving myself a pat on the back)! So, to get to my original point. I got to hold her 3 week old baby, which was the benefit of missing the park! What a sweetie that little guy is! I was pretty well composed until Abby was curious when I started to give him his bottle and burp him. When I was burping him she came over and wanted to give him his bottle. She opened her mouth wide as if she was inserting it in her mouth and then helped put it in his mouth! It was SO sweet and funny!!! She 'held' him for a bit also. It really makes me sad for her...I feel like not only are we 'jipped' a baby but so are our children. She won't have a little baby of her own to help mama with :(

Tonight I had my Pampered Chef party. At first it appeared I'd have like 3 people but like 10 or more people showed up! Holy Smokes!!! Sadie brought the baby again and another gal had her baby also. I had Abby come down at the end and once again she was so curious with the babies. She was jealous at one point when I held Landon and another time she looked around asking where he was because someone else was holding him and he wasn't where she saw him last! When she was brought up to bed she waved and said, "Bye baby." The other gal had her baby laying on the floor for awhile and Abby went over to him just petting him and sitting by him, trying to give him his pacifier. When I went to pick him up she followed me, sat in the chair next to me at the table and just wanted to look at him. Then she wanted to hold him!!!! She patted his head, kissed him and even poked his eyes- OOPS! I was teary eyed. It was absolutely precious and I just wanted to scream out at God, "WHY did you have to take HER baby brother from her??????" It just doesn't seem right, ya know?

Also, when I was holding Landon tonight Hannah commented and said she wished Abby was still that small and she looked all teary eyed. I then said to her that we "should" be having one of our own soon and she started to cry, which then had me crying! Sometimes I feel like they forget I was ever pregnant. I did think it was weird yesterday that she didn't seem interested in Landon at all and when I asked her if she wanted to hold him she pretty much ignored me. It really breaks my heart. I miss my baby so much and then to see how my children "miss" him too- it KILLS me! Not a day goes by that I don't think about it. Heck, I'd be huge by now. Even with all the pregnant women here tonight...sigh. I just wanna be in their shoes, ya know? Aches, pains and all. Maybe I haven't blogged about this all in awhile, maybe I don't talk about it as much but it's still so raw. It still aches and hurts and sometimes just ticks me off. Tonight is one of those nights where I'll fall asleep crying. For not only is it a loss to this Mama and Daddy but to the precious sisters and brothers.


Kim said...

Glad Gabe is ok. I got to watch a little baby today and boy did it bring back those feelings. Im so sorry that you and your kids still grieve. I cant even imagine how tough that must be to see all those precious babes and it getting closer to your due date, just another kick in the side. Prayers for you and the kids. BTW just curious did you ever hear anymore info about the testing they were doing to see why you keep miscarrying?

Amie said...

Oh my, look at that little baby head! So sweet.

I am OK said...

It is sad to realize that the kids would still be grieving too. Even Cooper sometimes ask me if I might be still "a yittle bit pregnant" (Kids still can't say those L's). I sure hope you were able to pull more joy than sadness in your memories of this day.