Bloggy look

So I like my new background. It's not as perky and I like the one heart in the clouds deal. But how can I liven it up? Anyone know if I can do something cute with my header? Or change my font? I know I did it all once before, but that was awhile ago!

I can't see clearly through the fog

I was sitting here trying to come up with a positive upbeat post, but really I have no idea what to post. I even lack what I should put on facebook now. It's not like 'good' things aren't happening around here, but they're just clouded by the grief. Last night we had a BBQ with our Bible study group at the 'lake'. It was fun, but really I know I would've had a whole lot MORE fun if I weren't grieving. I feel like sure, I can have a good time, but really I'm not having as good a time as I 'could'. Does that make sense? Even if I'm not thinking about 'it' 'it' is still there somehow. So, last night it was just Zach, the three older kids and I. My mom stayed at home with Abby. That was nice because we didn't have to watch a toddler and could just sit back, since the others are quite older. I'm sure my mom enjoyed the one-on-one with Ab's too! But at the same time, it was so weird without her....like there was a piece missing. And it got me thinking of how Hannah's leaving and that piece will be missing...and how really there are 3 pieces missing.

Today Hannah is off with her friend, K. K's grandparents 'run' a campground so they went there for lunch and possibly to the butterfly garden. Their friend T also went along. I'm so glad Hannah's able to do this before she leaves! But it also gives me a sense of what it'll be like when she's gone, even though my mom is here. It's just weird. I was resting/napping on the couch and I know Ab is sleeping upstairs, the boys were drawing at the table and I kept thinking Han was upstairs playing!

My mom and I cleaned the house this morning. It was nice to have the help and I'm thankful its clean, for a short time! There, that's a positive :)

I've been wanting to go and get a pedicure. I wanted to with my mom when she was here, but it never happened. Things have just been busy. I really just wanna sit and relax and be 'pampered'. Not like I've been doing much, because I haven't, but, well...I just want a break from reality.

Tonight I'm going to the Mommies with Hope group. I am really looking forward to it. I've already been emailing two of the gals from the group. Totally a Godsend! I was telling somebody that when I went through this with Malachi in Mississippi I didn't feel like I would need a group like this, but this time I really feel like i need it (its weird too, because both places I've had exceptional, wonderful friends that have been here for me). Is this why God landed us in Iowa!?! I'm sure it will be a bit sad, heart-wrenching, difficult, but I also expect it to be encouraging, uplifting and refreshing! Hopefully my next post will be able to describe for you what it was like. And too bad there aren't more of these around for the many people who suffer the loss of their babies.

prayer

This is from the book Grieving the Child I Never Knew:

Lord, should I really be feeling this way about losing my child? Am I making too much out of this loss? I know others don't understand how I feel. Help me to forgive the peole who try to minimize the pain. My loss was a child, not a mistake or clump of cells. My child was a part of me. You understand. You created my precious baby. It's comforting to know You saw my child in my womb and know my child by name. My child has value in Your eyes. Give me courage to grieve and validate my pain. You are my Creator, the One who can form my loss into something good in time. Amen.

One thousand times AMEN!!!!

From Amy...

Read this...great info!

DISTURBED

Today on facebook I posted something generally the same as what I blogged about earlier...about it being 2 weeks and how I "should" be 20 weeks. I got a comment:

but what about the 4 wonderful treasures you have here? Please don't let the ones in heaven take away from the joy and good times with the ones He left here with you. You get to decide what you dwell on. (said in a sympathetic, calming tone of voice, Jamie, cuz I feel just awful you keep having to go through this.)

For REAL? Really? Did you JUST SAY THAT????????????? That is ONE thing people should NEVER say to someone who lost a child/baby! It is just unreal how people act like just because I never "met" my baby or my baby never breathed a breath that people think we shouldn't grieve. I guess if you haven't been in this boat you just don't understand (some people more than others), but come on!!! I got a couple of private messages about how this comment disturbed other people- one who is in the boat with me right now and one who's never been in the boat. They were pretty much appalled and like one said, if you lost your mother its not like people would say, "Oh suck it up, you still have your dad!"

And you know something? I DO treasure my children! I DO enjoy them! I AM thankful for them. Even more so NOW than 2 weeks ago. I KNOW how blessed I am. But seriously, I will grieve for my baby. I will miss him. He was "supposed" to be a part of our family HERE on earth! I will continue to be honest in my feelings both here and on facebook. I will always be me and no matter what anybody says, I will not keep my mouth shut (well in regards to my feelings)- its just not who I am!

I know people mean well. I know maybe they just don't know what to say. I know they try to be encouraging. But seriously, THINK before you SAY something...you just never know if what you're saying doesn't quite come out right or isn't taken the way maybe it was "meant" to be. If you haven't been in this boat, you just 'don't get it'! And I'm quite thankful for those of you who haven't had to be here! I'm also thankful that all of my great friends who HAVEN'T been where I'm at have been super supportive and not said anything STUPID!

thanks for the reminder...

Last night I saw my 'calendar' icon on my phone and wondered what that was all about. I opened it up, and saw that it said 20 weeks. I didn't think I would be able to breath. Thanks for the bittersweet reminder, phone. I must have set it weeks or a month ago...talk about a slap in the face!

I feel like I'm now counting backwards. I should be 20 weeks today. Instead I'm thinking how it's been 2 weeks since we found out our baby boy died. 2 weeks! It seems like just yesterday but it also seems like a lifetime ago. Yesterday we went to the zoo. It was good. It felt 'normal'. Until we stopped to eat lunch and the whole 'physical' part of after having a 'baby' hit me. That is something that makes me so mad!!! I shouldn't be bleeding! I should be carrying a baby within! Then last night I went to a 'party' for 31 gifts, some new thing (they sell cute purses/bags/handbags). Just simple things, yet sometimes I have a hard time enjoying them. There were some moments when I questioned why I was there. Sure, I had a good time and I'm glad I went, but geez it is hard when something just hits you. It didn't help that there were pregnant women there. That's something I really struggle with, yet I know it has to be normal. Especially when they begin talking about things related to pregnancy. I "should" have been joining in the conversation. Instead I wanted to run out of that house like it was on fire! And its not like everyone there knew my situation. It's not like my pregnant friends can't talk about being pregnant! It's not like I'm not happy for pregnant people. But gosh, it is hard! It stinks in the worst way.

Gabe has really been throwing crying fits about everything lately. I'm not sure if its just him, if its us not disciplining him or if its his way of dealing with things. Otherwise, the kids seem to be fine dealing with it. Maybe because my mom is here and we're kept busy with that? Maybe it will change when she leaves.

Speaking of leaving, she's heading out on Friday and she's taking my oldest, my dear daughter, my helper! It's hard enough for me to think that she's leaving, but the fact that Hannah's going to be gone for a couple of weeks makes me unable to breathe! I'm so scared to be 'alone' to care for my other kids. Will I be able to handle it? Will I flip out? What will I do with myself? I'm sure I'll be fine, but I'm just so worried about it all! Then I worry about Hannah...what if this happens or what if that happens. I totally trust my mom, but its normal to worry, right? Last night I had a nightmare that my mom was in a car accident and I think she died. Was Hannah in that car too???

Yesterday I received another little package from my best friend. The first was a book called, "Grieving the Child I Never Knew" and it has been wonderful to read that what I'm feeling is 'normal'. Yesterday, she had sent me 7 cards! She didn't know which one to pick as she was laughing and crying in the Hallmark store so she decided to get them all! So, I curl up on the loveseat and open the first card and cry. The next card gave me a chuckle. It was like that with all 7 cards!!! It was awesome! Totally made my day :) Then I had to call her to tell her I love her and thank you! It was great to hear her voice, to talk with her about it.

So there's good and bad mixed in all around. It's hard to not focus on the bad at times, but I'm trying to just get through each moment.

Little Gestures

So, Zach's brother and wife (who live in England) sent us a card! How sweet! Totally unexpected and such a blessing!

I forgot to mention that Saturday evening Zach's 'first shirt' type person who's stationed in Colorado called to see how we are doing! That was so super nice to check on us! Especially considering Zach decided to not go to field training...they could've been totally ticked off at him!

People just amaze me. It's these little things that keep occurring that are keeping me above the waters. I also got my necklace today! I love it and I'm so glad to wear it. Now I need to deal with Sears about my mother's ring...that should be fun. I don't think I shared that story...for another time I guess!

The hosptial wouldn't let me go!

So, I vaguely remember my young nurse leaving around 11 (she only worked a 4 hr. shift) and another one coming and checking on me through the night. Good thing they put me to sleep- it sure knocked me out good ALL night! It was nice to get some sleep, albeit drug induced :) I remember the nurse kept asking me if I wanted her to take the baby out. No, I didn't because I'd only seen the baby while still in pain and I wanted to be a bit more coherent to have that 'time' with him. I remember waking a few times in the night and seeing the bassinet laying by my bed and thinking I needed to check on the baby or nurse him. Ugh, that was difficult! With Malachi they didn't put him in one of the bassinets, so this was different. It was 'nice' because it seemed like they 'honored' him as a baby, but it was also difficult.

I woke up a bit early Friday morning. Zach did also. I looked at our baby, laying there, decaying, dead. I cried. He climbed into my bed and we talked about names. I grabbed my ipod and went to a site I was at the day before. I thought, "I want a name that means gift of God" and told Zach that. For some reason I clicked on the letter "N" and we see Nathaniel. It was SUCH A GOD THING!!! We both were like, "Yeah, I really like that" which was weird because never before had we considered that name. My cousin has a Nathan and so I just always bypassed Nathaniel. we knew we wanted a name with a good meaning and a Biblical one. Zach really wanted the baby's middle name to be Larry, after his dad. So, I reluctantly agreed. Nothing against my father-in-law, just didn't think it went well with Nathaniel :) Looking up the name Larry, we learned it meant "crowned with laurel". Ok, well WHAT is that? I looked it up and its like a green, leafy type of plant. Just the thought that our baby DOES have a crown, a heavenly one, totally sold me on that :) So, we named our precious baby Nathaniel Larry. It took me awhile to get used to that!

Finally, I felt I could 'release' my baby and asked the nurse to take him. I just couldn't stand to see it anymore...to know what was really happening, what was becoming real. It took forever for the nurse to wheel him out, it seemed! I MISSED my nurse Nancee! She did come in that morning to see me, to see how I was doing and she looked like she could've cried with me and hugged me.

About a month ago at our church a guy named Brent got baptized. He was a funeral director. He had done a funeral for a Josiah Johnson (not sure if I mentioned him on my blog before) and Josiah's life had really touched his. So, immediately I knew we should contact Brent. I didn't know him. This was all new to us too, for in Mississippi our pastor had contacted a guy from our church at the funeral home. Thankfully Zach stepped up to the plate on this one! So, Brent eventually made it and that was a difficult time also, but he was so caring! I remember the nurse coming in, saying to him, "Security is ready whenever you are" and I totally LOST it. I'm going to cry again thinking about that. To know he was taking my baby's body so far away from me. The baby that I carried in my womb, so close to my heart. The baby I dreamed of holding and cuddling. He was going away (his body)...far away. He was being 'taken' from me.

That morning was so difficult. Well, it all was of course. I was so ready to just go home. I wanted to be with my children. They kept asking when I'd be home. They were worried about me. I just wanted to hold them. I thought it was funny how sometimes I feel like I need a break from them and just need to get away and here I had a 'break' but I wanted nothing more than to be with them. The doctor had come in early and told me I could probably be released around noon, that another doctor would come in and check me then. Then finally took out the IV and stuff but it seemed they would never let me go. I was getting so mad! It was like, let me out of this place! There was no reason for me to be there. It was so painful. Apparently the nurse was waiting on discharge papers. We got those and then it was the Rhogam shot. It took over an hour of waiting just for a shot in my arse to then be 'released'. I was free!!! Walking out of the hospital empty handed was not as difficult as I thought it'd be, nor as difficult as it was with Malachi, only because I wanted so bad to be out of there! I did shed a few tears and cried some on the way home. But I was thankful for that part to be over. Although now, looking back, I feel like time is almost going too fast. Was it really that long ago that I got to see and hold our baby? How long before others soon forget, while the pain festers on inside of me? Sigh.

Coping

Yesterday I was looking at the pictures I'd taken of Nathaniel. Wow. He looked so perfectly formed. Little, tiny fingers and toes. To think I'd never have a chance to hold his hand, to tickle those tiny feet.

Today in church I felt so sad. Just thinking it was my 'first' time there without him. I wanted to still be carrying him. I had dreamed of holding him in church while we sing, cuddling him. Now I don't have that opportunity.

At a garage sale the other day there was a baby. I wanted to ask how much he cost :) I'd have bought him in a heartbeat!

Speaking of garage sales, my mom went Thursday night, Friday and Saturday mornings! I would just rush past the baby items. To think I was really looking forward to garage sales and finding baby items. Now I just find for my other kids, which is great too...but still there's an 'emptiness'.

There have been moments when Zach and I will just lay in bed...even during the day. He'll just hold me. It makes me cry more, but it is such a loving gesture. Then I just let the questions and tears flow. Did I do something wrong? Maybe I yelled at the kids too much and God didn't think me fit to be a mother again. Why would he give us this baby to take it away? I don't care right now about the 'benefit' of others, I just want my baby. I feel so empty.

Singing songs in church...I couldn't even sing. I just let the words sink in. "Let your kingdom come, let your will be done so that everyone will know your name" Do we really know what we're saying when we sing those words? I've sung them before but did I REALLY mean 'let your will be done'. Right now I want MY will to be done! In time I know that will change. Or the song 'Blessed Be Your Name'..."your give and take away" Sigh.

It is good for me when I stay busy. I know I need to 'deal' with it but also I just want to be busy, busy, busy. Lots of shopping. Garage sales. Today my mom and I are going to see "Letters to Juliet" which will be another nice distraction.

Zach goes to work tomorrow. My mom leaves next weekend and will probably take Hannah with her for a couple of weeks. Sigh. I feel like I won't be able to 'do it' alone. Yet I know I'm not alone...I guess I'll continue to stay busy but things just won't be the same. They'll never be the same. Now we need to find another 'new normal'.

We received flowers from our babysitters family the other day. What a sweet gesture. I talked to them on the phone but last night Zach and I ran out and so we stopped by there so I could thank them in person. I walked into the house and the father and two girls were singing the most beautiful song about Jesus. Wow, it hit me and I began to cry. It was totally a God thing. It was nice to visit with them a bit.

Gone

So, I think we thought it would still take awhile for everything to happen. My mom was driving down and Zach decided to run home and meet the kids there, get them ready for bed. Thanks SO much Sadie for staying the night with them and watching them ALL day! I know they were in good hands and know they had a blast. Well, I was given a dose of Cytotec again after Zach left, my mom was nearing Des Moines and my epidural was working but also starting to wear off a bit. For some reason I ended up throwing up that dose of Cytotec. So, they were going to give more and also some anti-nausea medicine. When I have any type of procedure done I just get so chilled and shaky. I was like that off and on the entire time I was there. I wasn't necessarily always cold, but boy did I hate being that way! Well, I was 'shivering' so the nurse went to get some heated blankets (I love those things). She went to remove my other blankets and put the heated ones right on top of me and exclaimed, "OH, you delivered your baby!" I was like, "WHAT?" I sat right up and there was my tiny baby right between my legs, lying there so lifeless, so helpless, so perfect. It is kind of a blur at this point. I know I talked to Zach and my mom, letting them both know I'd 'had' the baby. The doctor was called and came in. They determined it was a boy- it was so obvious. I was crying, just staring at my son laying there so helplessly. I took a couple of pictures. I was in pain as by this point the epidural really wore off and the placenta still hadn't come out. I was trying to push on my stomach. The nurses would also, but boy it HURT when they did it. My mom showed up. I hated that she had to see me in pain but I really wanted her there. She got to see the baby. Zach showed up. The doctor tried to remove the placenta with forceps but couldn't so it was decided I needed a "D&C". Not really the "D" part since I was already dilated. It took forever to get that done because we had to wait for the doctor to finish a c-section and we had to wait for an available room. I was just hurting so bad, moving my legs all around to try to ease the pain and moaning. My mom left and came home to sit with the kids.

On a separate note I think I totally forgot to mention about 'visitors' that day. Our pastor stopped by which was nice. The hospital chaplain came in. His name was Eric. He sat with us, talked a bit. He was so understanding. I'm sure he deals with situations like this quite often. He said some things to me that showed that he really understood and cared. I cried. What a blessing. Also, Sadie & Jenn brought the kids up briefly. Then Zach took the kids out to the playground for a few minutes and S & J prayed for me. That was so special.

Ok, so finally I was set to go back and get the D&C. By then Nancee had left and I had a different nurse. She was so young looking! I was thinking, "Oh boy...how will this go?" I just wanted Nancee! As it was Nancee had stayed 1/2 hour to an hour over her shift!

I hate those operating rooms. So bright. So cold. The anesthesiologist was there and told me he decided to put me to sleep. That was fine with me. I couldn't imagine being awake for that! I remember them covering my left arm with a heated blanket because I just was shivering. They put the pulse sox on my finger and I was moving my head to make sure the 'cord' wasn't behind it. That's the last thing I remember. It's so weird when they put you to sleep!

Sour Lemons

This afternoon is our Memorial Service for Nathaniel. It seemed like we'd never get it planned and I was getting quite irritated about it, but here it is. It still sometimes seems so unreal. I wonder how it will go. I wonder how I'll hold up. I remember so clearly our service for Malachi. Dr. Mike did an awesome job and JR, the 'music man' sang Amazing Grace. That song has taken on a whole new meaning to me since that day. But, boy the tears fell. Still thinking on that day, with my sons body in that tiny box. Now, I get the privilege of doing it all over again with another baby (sarcasm). It sure sucks.

Special

http://www.etsy.com/shop/bugaboojewelry?page=1

Down

Boy, I sure feel down today. Maybe part of it is the weather. I have been so very angry with it all. I don't remember having such anger last time. It's not like I'm lashing out or anything, just feel so angry in my spirit. Questioning God, "Why did you have to take MY baby? Why again? Wasn't the other 2 enough? Why even allow me to get pregnant if you're going to take my baby away?" So. Much. Anger. I'm glad He's forgiving and understanding! Laying in bed at night and in the morning is awful. Those were the times I'd lay and dream about baby...wondering if it were a boy or girl, dreaming of holding, kissing and loving that child. I read something somewhere this morning about not only do we have to grieve the loss of a child, but also the loss of the dreams we had for that child. Both Zach and I and even the children had already 'planned' for Nathaniel to join our family! We talked about where all the kids would sit in the suburban, we talked about sleeping arrangements. I'm sure the kids wondered what it'd be like to play with another sibling, to hold another baby, to love on and cherish that precious babe. Sigh. Shattered dreams. Crushed hopes. I know my baby is in a MUCH better place but that honestly doesn't even bring a slight smile to my heart right now. *I* wanted my baby. *I* dreamed for my baby. I still desire to hold his precious body against mine. I lay in bed just wanting to feel kicks, wishing I could cuddle and nurse my little boy. Zach will lay next to me and put his arm around me and I just cry. The love from that little gesture. He rests his hand upon my stomach, out of habit, and I just want to cry and cry and never stop. For that stomach is empty. Broken. Such sadness. Such anger. Just wanting to be honest...

Love those drugs!

I can't remember what dose it was (with the Cytotec) when they then gave me Laminaria also. That was quite painful as I was cramping then also! That's like this seaweed stuff that they insert to open the cervix. It certainly worked! I was I think only a little softened before they began that method. I remember being given so many drugs...for the diarrhea, for the pain, for whatever! Finally I was quite uncomfortable and they asked if I wanted an epidural. I was thinking how silly that was, afterall I don't need to be fully dilated to expel the little baby. But, they were very concerned that I just be as comfortable as possible, especially in my situation. So, I caved in! They were right, its horrible enough having to go through this, but then to have the pain on top of it! It just isn't fair, as a kid would say!

I think I forgot to mention how wonderful my nurse was on Thursday. Her name was Nancee. She's been nursing for 32 years so she just seemed so motherly, which was totally what I needed. She came in and asked how I was and said she was there just for me, to take care of me. She stayed by my side much throughout the day and I was her only patient. She was so caring, so kind, so concerned. God is so good to provide such people when we need them!

Ok, so the epidural...whew now THAT is a story. I've had epidurals with my boys and spinals with my girls so I'm quite familiar with them all! It is still quite nerve wracking though! I was leaning over the pillow with the nurse in front of me. The doctor numbed my back and I'm not sure he inserted any sort of needle (because when I shouted out he said he didn't do anything yet). All of a sudden I heard this weird noise in my left ear (almost like tingling nerves or something) and my head felt like it exploded and all went black. My head felt 20 times bigger than normal and hurt more than it's ever hurt before. I was like, "OW, my head!" and told them what happened, but then my right leg went numb. I'm still hunched over the pillow and my left leg started to numb. He said that wasn't supposed to happen and asked me to move them. I couldn't. So, they wanted me to lay down. Well, I started to lay back, but I felt like I was falling and like I was teetering and going to fall off of the bed! Zach says I was nowhere near to falling off but it sure felt like it and was so scary. As soon as I laid my head down it began to pound again (for just a short time) and I said something like, "I feel like I'm gonna die." Zach was laughing and pretty much calling me a drama queen, but man it hurt and then I got so nervous, just hoping I wouldn't be paralyzed or something! The anesthesiologist checked if there was fluid and then had to redo the epidural. By this point I was numb from the upper part of my stomach down- a true spinal! So when he asked if I could sit up, of course not! Zach and the nurse rolled me to my side so he could administer it that way. Well, laying on my side I felt like I was rocking on a boat! It was the weirdest feeling! It also felt like they'd tipped the bed sideways also, somehow! I asked them and told them that and they just laughed. They must have thought me quite loopy, but that's honestly what it felt like! It is so funny to me now!

Once that was all squared away I tried to relax. I guess the spinal would last at least an hour and he just had a small amount of the epidural prescribed. Aaahh, the drugs sure are my friends to take away the physical pain!

Brings me smiles

This is so funny and cute. I think this was the night before this whole nightmare began. Aaahh, I love my children!

Decisions

It was never a question in our minds what we would 'do'. We knew we would do the same thing we did with Malachi, induce labor. I just prayed it wouldn't take 3 weeks like last time! Well, I wished, for I really couldn't 'pray' anything. I think I forgot to mention that the baby died about 14 weeks, same as Malachi had. So I was carrying my dead baby around for 4 weeks without even knowing it. The thing that gets me is I had been in for an ultrasound at 13 weeks and the baby was perfect! What went wrong?

Zach arranged with the doctor for me to go up to Labor & Delivery about 9:30 pm that night to begin 'inducing'. The good thing about being here is they were way more familiar with this procedure than Keesler had been. We arranged child care (thanks Sadie) and just sat around all day, waiting, waiting, waiting. I hated the fact that I had to go to the hospital yet again to deliver a dead baby. Sure, I know he's 'alive' in heaven, but that didn't do much to soothe my pain (and still doesn't). Meanwhile, I'd had a few visitors, my friend's Jenn and Sarah. Sarah bought us pizza for dinner, which was so nice to not have to think about what to feed the family!

I was pretty quiet on the way to the hospital. I was so nervous. Would I 'almost' die like last time, losing so much blood? Would my body work with the medicine to expel the baby? Would we be able to tell if it were a boy or a girl?

It really stinks having to walk up to L&D 'empty'. I wanted to play a mind game with myself, that I was there to deliver my healthy baby, that I'd come home with! Not the case, however. And it stinks when they're 'expecting' you...they know what you're there for. I mean, yes, they need to know, but UGH, I'm THAT person. I get settled in, get the blood drawn, get poked 3 times for the IV and wait. I hadn't met the doctor that was on call until that night, Dr. Tran, but she was so super nice and sweet. I immediately felt comfortable with her, thank God. It all seems like a blur, but at some point that gave me the Cytotec and I sat back just waiting for it to work. I couldn't sleep much that night for I was "willing" the stuff to give me contractions and do its thing! My goal was to just get over the whole physical part of it all. It hadn't sunk in totally why I was there or what was going on or that my baby was actually dead. I just focused on getting past the physical.

The second dose of Cytotec was double the dose so they thought for sure it'd produce more of something. Ha, I have a very stubborn body. I said its broken and that I need a new one. Stupid body. Can't carry a baby, can't expel a dead one. What the heck!?! So, it just was a big huge waiting game. Wait, wait, wait. I had diarrhea from the Cytotec and some cramping, but nothing too horrible and I wasn't really dilating or anything. Wait, wait, wait.

Ultrasound day

Ultrasound day! We were so excited to go see baby! I was also a bit apprehensive, but just because of my previous 'issues'. It was the first time I'd wanted to know the sex of the baby. We all thought it was a boy, although the kids were all rooting for another girl. I couldn't believe the day was finally here- 18 weeks!

The lady called me back and the kids were all excited. They saw baby on the screen and were like, "I see his eyes! Look at his hair!" I was just laughing at them. They were determined that by the eyes and hair it was a boy. I was mainly concerned about finding a heartbeat, which I didn't see. But I am so dumb when it comes to ultrasounds that I just thought I was missing something. I also didn't see baby moving but just told myself she had it on still image. She began measuring right away and was quiet, but I just assumed she was doing her work measuring baby. Then she got up from the computer and said, "I need to look at your chart" and went to her desk. I'm thinking- what the heck! They don't do something like that in the middle of an ultrasound! She asked if I had some sort of test (sequential screen or something) and I told her I had. She then grabbed my folder and said she'd be right back. Immediately I looked at Zach and said, "What's wrong?" Oh, the dread. What the heck! So I thought, "Ok, maybe the baby's just got down's syndrome or something, I can deal with that" but that wasn't the case. It seemed like eons went by, but it was probably only a few minutes, when the doctor came in with the ultrasound tech and said something like "Bad news. How do you want to deal with this with the kids?" I seriously thought I was in a nightmare. He began talking to the kids about this baby being an angel and yadda yadda and I just covered my face and sobbed loudly, saying, "I can't deal with this again! NO!" I believe the kids asked if the baby was dead and Hannah was also crying. I was so, so, so very angry. I just wanted to get up and punch the wall and yet I couldn't move. All I could do was lay there in disbelief.

I couldn't move, I just couldn't do anything. The doctor said something about 'talking about options' but how we could do it at another time. Zach said we'd just call, and we were left alone in our grief. Finally, I said, "I gotta get out of here" for I couldn't take just sitting in there any longer. One minute I was immobile, the next I just needed to go. Maybe leaving would make it all go away? Was it really even happening? Again? It was like a recurring nightmare. Are you kidding me? I just sat in the suburban in disbelief (I know I keep using that word). Here I'd never felt the baby move and felt like I wasn't gaining weight, but I thought I was just paranoid. Maybe it was my mother's instinct. The way home was very quiet. Josiah sat in the backseat, quietly crying. Hannah was crying, not able to stop. My tears would come and go.

When we got home I just sat on the couch. Now what? We were supposed to be celebrating! Zach took the whole day off and I had anticipated celebrating our baby! Zach sat next to me and we called the kids. Gabe was just running around, playing with Abby. Josiah and Hannah, Zach and I sat on the couch holding one another and crying. Immediately when we got home Hannah had run upstairs. She'd come down with her ultrasound picture of the baby. She had come to my very first appointment, which had fallen on her birthday. The doctor had given her a picture of the baby. And it was that picture she clung to as she sobbed for her lost sibling. Such a big heart, that girl has.

You just dream for your baby, dream holding them, loving them. Such big plans! And to find out those dreams just shattered. It crushes your entire world.

So much to say...

I don't even know where to begin. Do I start from the beginning? Or do I just simply put my thoughts right now, which are a big jumble. I honestly just didn't think we'd be going through this again. The first words out of my mouth were, through sobbing tears, "I can't go through this again." And yet here I am, going through it. Why? Wasn't once enough? Why me? Can't I just hold my little baby, fully grown, like I'd dreamed? I feel like its the end...like we just won't be having any more. I feel so empty. My arms are empty of a babe and my womb is empty of him also. And many say that I'm so blessed with four healthy children. Yes, thank you, I know that. I am truly blessed and very thankful for them. But that doesn't make the pain of losing THIS child any easier, not by a long shot. This morning as I listened to church online, since I couldn't bring myself to go to church, I cried through much of the worship. As they sang about hope I wondered what's the sense of it. I had hope. Hope my baby would be just fine. And look what good it did me. I know that God is my hope, I know all the cliche things that its His will and yadda yadda, but that just doesn't comfort at this time. Am I turning my back on God? Never. I just wonder, doubt and question. It is normal. It is ok. I know this. While I can't pray for myself, I know that your prayers are what's keeping my head above the water. It's the love and support of the body of Christ and it simply amazes me. That's all I can give right now.

Fog

I feel like I'm living in a fog. We had our ultrasound. Baby's dead. What a nightmare. Do I really have to go through this again? Why? Life is harsh. I just want my baby!!! I don't wanna do this again. It hurts. My heart just hurts.

Sigh

We have a plumber here. Wonder how much that will cost. Zach tried to fix a leak in our pipe and now the guys gonna have to cut that whole part of the pipe off because he can't get the stuff off that Zach put on it. Oh boy, I just wonder how much money we'll be throwing away today. I'm so mad that our pipe has a leak in it! Give me a break!

Speaking of breaks, it's pretty much summer break. Gabriel is now a 1st grader! He graduated from kindergarten today! I'm so proud of him! With all of my kids, we'll continue to do math review and reading throughout the summer, just to reinforce those and work on any issues they may have had throughout the year. I decided Josiah is done with his English so he's only got his math book left. Hannah has a poem left to write and then we're 'officially' done. I imagine that 'official' will be this week! It feels so good to be almost done. I can focus on getting things cleaned around the house that I don't normally clean. My shower is nasty. Plus I can really focus on the garage sale stuff the next few days. And then I can just relax, well to an extent. It will just be nice not to have lessons every day!