Decisions

It was never a question in our minds what we would 'do'. We knew we would do the same thing we did with Malachi, induce labor. I just prayed it wouldn't take 3 weeks like last time! Well, I wished, for I really couldn't 'pray' anything. I think I forgot to mention that the baby died about 14 weeks, same as Malachi had. So I was carrying my dead baby around for 4 weeks without even knowing it. The thing that gets me is I had been in for an ultrasound at 13 weeks and the baby was perfect! What went wrong?

Zach arranged with the doctor for me to go up to Labor & Delivery about 9:30 pm that night to begin 'inducing'. The good thing about being here is they were way more familiar with this procedure than Keesler had been. We arranged child care (thanks Sadie) and just sat around all day, waiting, waiting, waiting. I hated the fact that I had to go to the hospital yet again to deliver a dead baby. Sure, I know he's 'alive' in heaven, but that didn't do much to soothe my pain (and still doesn't). Meanwhile, I'd had a few visitors, my friend's Jenn and Sarah. Sarah bought us pizza for dinner, which was so nice to not have to think about what to feed the family!

I was pretty quiet on the way to the hospital. I was so nervous. Would I 'almost' die like last time, losing so much blood? Would my body work with the medicine to expel the baby? Would we be able to tell if it were a boy or a girl?

It really stinks having to walk up to L&D 'empty'. I wanted to play a mind game with myself, that I was there to deliver my healthy baby, that I'd come home with! Not the case, however. And it stinks when they're 'expecting' you...they know what you're there for. I mean, yes, they need to know, but UGH, I'm THAT person. I get settled in, get the blood drawn, get poked 3 times for the IV and wait. I hadn't met the doctor that was on call until that night, Dr. Tran, but she was so super nice and sweet. I immediately felt comfortable with her, thank God. It all seems like a blur, but at some point that gave me the Cytotec and I sat back just waiting for it to work. I couldn't sleep much that night for I was "willing" the stuff to give me contractions and do its thing! My goal was to just get over the whole physical part of it all. It hadn't sunk in totally why I was there or what was going on or that my baby was actually dead. I just focused on getting past the physical.

The second dose of Cytotec was double the dose so they thought for sure it'd produce more of something. Ha, I have a very stubborn body. I said its broken and that I need a new one. Stupid body. Can't carry a baby, can't expel a dead one. What the heck!?! So, it just was a big huge waiting game. Wait, wait, wait. I had diarrhea from the Cytotec and some cramping, but nothing too horrible and I wasn't really dilating or anything. Wait, wait, wait.