Ultrasound day

Ultrasound day! We were so excited to go see baby! I was also a bit apprehensive, but just because of my previous 'issues'. It was the first time I'd wanted to know the sex of the baby. We all thought it was a boy, although the kids were all rooting for another girl. I couldn't believe the day was finally here- 18 weeks!

The lady called me back and the kids were all excited. They saw baby on the screen and were like, "I see his eyes! Look at his hair!" I was just laughing at them. They were determined that by the eyes and hair it was a boy. I was mainly concerned about finding a heartbeat, which I didn't see. But I am so dumb when it comes to ultrasounds that I just thought I was missing something. I also didn't see baby moving but just told myself she had it on still image. She began measuring right away and was quiet, but I just assumed she was doing her work measuring baby. Then she got up from the computer and said, "I need to look at your chart" and went to her desk. I'm thinking- what the heck! They don't do something like that in the middle of an ultrasound! She asked if I had some sort of test (sequential screen or something) and I told her I had. She then grabbed my folder and said she'd be right back. Immediately I looked at Zach and said, "What's wrong?" Oh, the dread. What the heck! So I thought, "Ok, maybe the baby's just got down's syndrome or something, I can deal with that" but that wasn't the case. It seemed like eons went by, but it was probably only a few minutes, when the doctor came in with the ultrasound tech and said something like "Bad news. How do you want to deal with this with the kids?" I seriously thought I was in a nightmare. He began talking to the kids about this baby being an angel and yadda yadda and I just covered my face and sobbed loudly, saying, "I can't deal with this again! NO!" I believe the kids asked if the baby was dead and Hannah was also crying. I was so, so, so very angry. I just wanted to get up and punch the wall and yet I couldn't move. All I could do was lay there in disbelief.

I couldn't move, I just couldn't do anything. The doctor said something about 'talking about options' but how we could do it at another time. Zach said we'd just call, and we were left alone in our grief. Finally, I said, "I gotta get out of here" for I couldn't take just sitting in there any longer. One minute I was immobile, the next I just needed to go. Maybe leaving would make it all go away? Was it really even happening? Again? It was like a recurring nightmare. Are you kidding me? I just sat in the suburban in disbelief (I know I keep using that word). Here I'd never felt the baby move and felt like I wasn't gaining weight, but I thought I was just paranoid. Maybe it was my mother's instinct. The way home was very quiet. Josiah sat in the backseat, quietly crying. Hannah was crying, not able to stop. My tears would come and go.

When we got home I just sat on the couch. Now what? We were supposed to be celebrating! Zach took the whole day off and I had anticipated celebrating our baby! Zach sat next to me and we called the kids. Gabe was just running around, playing with Abby. Josiah and Hannah, Zach and I sat on the couch holding one another and crying. Immediately when we got home Hannah had run upstairs. She'd come down with her ultrasound picture of the baby. She had come to my very first appointment, which had fallen on her birthday. The doctor had given her a picture of the baby. And it was that picture she clung to as she sobbed for her lost sibling. Such a big heart, that girl has.

You just dream for your baby, dream holding them, loving them. Such big plans! And to find out those dreams just shattered. It crushes your entire world.