Thursday, June 17, 2010

I can't see clearly through the fog

I was sitting here trying to come up with a positive upbeat post, but really I have no idea what to post. I even lack what I should put on facebook now. It's not like 'good' things aren't happening around here, but they're just clouded by the grief. Last night we had a BBQ with our Bible study group at the 'lake'. It was fun, but really I know I would've had a whole lot MORE fun if I weren't grieving. I feel like sure, I can have a good time, but really I'm not having as good a time as I 'could'. Does that make sense? Even if I'm not thinking about 'it' 'it' is still there somehow. So, last night it was just Zach, the three older kids and I. My mom stayed at home with Abby. That was nice because we didn't have to watch a toddler and could just sit back, since the others are quite older. I'm sure my mom enjoyed the one-on-one with Ab's too! But at the same time, it was so weird without there was a piece missing. And it got me thinking of how Hannah's leaving and that piece will be missing...and how really there are 3 pieces missing.

Today Hannah is off with her friend, K. K's grandparents 'run' a campground so they went there for lunch and possibly to the butterfly garden. Their friend T also went along. I'm so glad Hannah's able to do this before she leaves! But it also gives me a sense of what it'll be like when she's gone, even though my mom is here. It's just weird. I was resting/napping on the couch and I know Ab is sleeping upstairs, the boys were drawing at the table and I kept thinking Han was upstairs playing!

My mom and I cleaned the house this morning. It was nice to have the help and I'm thankful its clean, for a short time! There, that's a positive :)

I've been wanting to go and get a pedicure. I wanted to with my mom when she was here, but it never happened. Things have just been busy. I really just wanna sit and relax and be 'pampered'. Not like I've been doing much, because I haven't, but, well...I just want a break from reality.

Tonight I'm going to the Mommies with Hope group. I am really looking forward to it. I've already been emailing two of the gals from the group. Totally a Godsend! I was telling somebody that when I went through this with Malachi in Mississippi I didn't feel like I would need a group like this, but this time I really feel like i need it (its weird too, because both places I've had exceptional, wonderful friends that have been here for me). Is this why God landed us in Iowa!?! I'm sure it will be a bit sad, heart-wrenching, difficult, but I also expect it to be encouraging, uplifting and refreshing! Hopefully my next post will be able to describe for you what it was like. And too bad there aren't more of these around for the many people who suffer the loss of their babies.


Amie said...

One of my best summers ever was when I stayed a few weeks with my grandma. When you have siblings, it's nice to be "the only one" for a little while.

Kim said...

Thats wonderful your mom has been there to help you and that you were able to enjoy a night out where you could relax.

Sherry said...

Hi Jamie,

I remember going to Minnesota to my grandparents' when I was young ~ it was fun, an "adventure", and I got to go alone ~ no brothers, lol. After a while I missed home and wanted to go back. I'm sure Hannah will have fun, but she'll miss home and you'll miss her. I think it's a good experience though, and one she'll probably always remember:)

I read that post on Facebook ~ couldn't believe it but am hoping that they just didn't know how to say what they meant.

Your feelings at the BBQ make perfect sense. Shortly after my brother died I had to go to my niece's birthday party. Reading your post about the BBQ brought me right back to that day because I had a lot of the feelings that you describe. Even now when I look at those pictures, it's obvious that I wasn't myself. I don't know what it's like to lose a baby but I think losing any family member is traumatic, so we probably have some of the same feelings. Geez, I hope I'm saying this right ~ I basically wanted to say that the way you felt made perfect sense:)

I really wish you weren't going through this again, but I'm glad that you have so many to support you. I hope going to the Mommies With Hope group brings comfort to you.