Sunday, June 13, 2010


Yesterday I was looking at the pictures I'd taken of Nathaniel. Wow. He looked so perfectly formed. Little, tiny fingers and toes. To think I'd never have a chance to hold his hand, to tickle those tiny feet.

Today in church I felt so sad. Just thinking it was my 'first' time there without him. I wanted to still be carrying him. I had dreamed of holding him in church while we sing, cuddling him. Now I don't have that opportunity.

At a garage sale the other day there was a baby. I wanted to ask how much he cost :) I'd have bought him in a heartbeat!

Speaking of garage sales, my mom went Thursday night, Friday and Saturday mornings! I would just rush past the baby items. To think I was really looking forward to garage sales and finding baby items. Now I just find for my other kids, which is great too...but still there's an 'emptiness'.

There have been moments when Zach and I will just lay in bed...even during the day. He'll just hold me. It makes me cry more, but it is such a loving gesture. Then I just let the questions and tears flow. Did I do something wrong? Maybe I yelled at the kids too much and God didn't think me fit to be a mother again. Why would he give us this baby to take it away? I don't care right now about the 'benefit' of others, I just want my baby. I feel so empty.

Singing songs in church...I couldn't even sing. I just let the words sink in. "Let your kingdom come, let your will be done so that everyone will know your name" Do we really know what we're saying when we sing those words? I've sung them before but did I REALLY mean 'let your will be done'. Right now I want MY will to be done! In time I know that will change. Or the song 'Blessed Be Your Name'..."your give and take away" Sigh.

It is good for me when I stay busy. I know I need to 'deal' with it but also I just want to be busy, busy, busy. Lots of shopping. Garage sales. Today my mom and I are going to see "Letters to Juliet" which will be another nice distraction.

Zach goes to work tomorrow. My mom leaves next weekend and will probably take Hannah with her for a couple of weeks. Sigh. I feel like I won't be able to 'do it' alone. Yet I know I'm not alone...I guess I'll continue to stay busy but things just won't be the same. They'll never be the same. Now we need to find another 'new normal'.

We received flowers from our babysitters family the other day. What a sweet gesture. I talked to them on the phone but last night Zach and I ran out and so we stopped by there so I could thank them in person. I walked into the house and the father and two girls were singing the most beautiful song about Jesus. Wow, it hit me and I began to cry. It was totally a God thing. It was nice to visit with them a bit.


Kim said...

First of all dont you dare think that you werent fit to be a mom again. You are the most wonderful mom in the world. Even though I cant be around you I read your blog and you inspire me so much as a mother. You are a great mom. I know its gotta be so hard. I know you probably just wish your heart could be healed in a blink of any eye. Im sure its gonna take a while. SOunds like you have such wonderful support from Zach. Wow Hannah's gonna go w/ nanny. I be that is gonna be so strange. Does Zach still have to leave for those 6 weeks?

PBJCJ said...

Ditto everything that Kim said! I was at a BBQ yesterday and there was a part of our conversations about motherhood and loss. You, my dear friend, were first on my mind as an amazing, loving, Godly mother! Never doubt that for a second.