Sunday, June 06, 2010

So much to say...

I don't even know where to begin. Do I start from the beginning? Or do I just simply put my thoughts right now, which are a big jumble. I honestly just didn't think we'd be going through this again. The first words out of my mouth were, through sobbing tears, "I can't go through this again." And yet here I am, going through it. Why? Wasn't once enough? Why me? Can't I just hold my little baby, fully grown, like I'd dreamed? I feel like its the we just won't be having any more. I feel so empty. My arms are empty of a babe and my womb is empty of him also. And many say that I'm so blessed with four healthy children. Yes, thank you, I know that. I am truly blessed and very thankful for them. But that doesn't make the pain of losing THIS child any easier, not by a long shot. This morning as I listened to church online, since I couldn't bring myself to go to church, I cried through much of the worship. As they sang about hope I wondered what's the sense of it. I had hope. Hope my baby would be just fine. And look what good it did me. I know that God is my hope, I know all the cliche things that its His will and yadda yadda, but that just doesn't comfort at this time. Am I turning my back on God? Never. I just wonder, doubt and question. It is normal. It is ok. I know this. While I can't pray for myself, I know that your prayers are what's keeping my head above the water. It's the love and support of the body of Christ and it simply amazes me. That's all I can give right now.


Kim said...

Dear Jamie, Our hearts go out to you. I couldnt even imagine being in your shoes or the emptiness you feel. Its ok to have all those emotions and we are all here to listen and try to comfort you. I know its gotta be a nightmare to think why again. I know in times like this you must think that you weren't ment to have anymore kids, but Just keep a positive mind and know God has a plan for your life and Im sure God will bless you w/ the perfect little baby to cherish.

I am OK said...

The worst thing I heard someone say was "it is okay". Isn't that funny? I knew they were just trying to be supportive and loving, but it made things hurt more.

I can't imagine how you are feeling, or the burden you are carrying, but we are all hear to comfort and listen.

When you pass through the waters I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep you away (Isaiah 43:2)

Come unto me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest (Matt 11:28)

I really could go on and on, but those help me the most, Psalm 40:1 too. A new song will be upon your mouth and heart.