Wednesday, June 16, 2010

thanks for the reminder...

Last night I saw my 'calendar' icon on my phone and wondered what that was all about. I opened it up, and saw that it said 20 weeks. I didn't think I would be able to breath. Thanks for the bittersweet reminder, phone. I must have set it weeks or a month about a slap in the face!

I feel like I'm now counting backwards. I should be 20 weeks today. Instead I'm thinking how it's been 2 weeks since we found out our baby boy died. 2 weeks! It seems like just yesterday but it also seems like a lifetime ago. Yesterday we went to the zoo. It was good. It felt 'normal'. Until we stopped to eat lunch and the whole 'physical' part of after having a 'baby' hit me. That is something that makes me so mad!!! I shouldn't be bleeding! I should be carrying a baby within! Then last night I went to a 'party' for 31 gifts, some new thing (they sell cute purses/bags/handbags). Just simple things, yet sometimes I have a hard time enjoying them. There were some moments when I questioned why I was there. Sure, I had a good time and I'm glad I went, but geez it is hard when something just hits you. It didn't help that there were pregnant women there. That's something I really struggle with, yet I know it has to be normal. Especially when they begin talking about things related to pregnancy. I "should" have been joining in the conversation. Instead I wanted to run out of that house like it was on fire! And its not like everyone there knew my situation. It's not like my pregnant friends can't talk about being pregnant! It's not like I'm not happy for pregnant people. But gosh, it is hard! It stinks in the worst way.

Gabe has really been throwing crying fits about everything lately. I'm not sure if its just him, if its us not disciplining him or if its his way of dealing with things. Otherwise, the kids seem to be fine dealing with it. Maybe because my mom is here and we're kept busy with that? Maybe it will change when she leaves.

Speaking of leaving, she's heading out on Friday and she's taking my oldest, my dear daughter, my helper! It's hard enough for me to think that she's leaving, but the fact that Hannah's going to be gone for a couple of weeks makes me unable to breathe! I'm so scared to be 'alone' to care for my other kids. Will I be able to handle it? Will I flip out? What will I do with myself? I'm sure I'll be fine, but I'm just so worried about it all! Then I worry about Hannah...what if this happens or what if that happens. I totally trust my mom, but its normal to worry, right? Last night I had a nightmare that my mom was in a car accident and I think she died. Was Hannah in that car too???

Yesterday I received another little package from my best friend. The first was a book called, "Grieving the Child I Never Knew" and it has been wonderful to read that what I'm feeling is 'normal'. Yesterday, she had sent me 7 cards! She didn't know which one to pick as she was laughing and crying in the Hallmark store so she decided to get them all! So, I curl up on the loveseat and open the first card and cry. The next card gave me a chuckle. It was like that with all 7 cards!!! It was awesome! Totally made my day :) Then I had to call her to tell her I love her and thank you! It was great to hear her voice, to talk with her about it.

So there's good and bad mixed in all around. It's hard to not focus on the bad at times, but I'm trying to just get through each moment.


Mama Lamba said...

Can I just say how much I hate this for you? I hate how the reminders keep coming. I totally relate...It just stinks.
I know that until just the last few days, my younger kids were acting totally weird--tantrums, etc...crying for "no" reason...The older ones can tell me what's wrong...the little ones just know something is wrong, so they act out.
My "Big Three" are gone to camp this week. IKWYM about wondering how you'll handle things alone. We've done ok--been very busy--but I'm looking forward to the big ones being home.
Love you, Sister. We're gonna make it.

Dr Vote said...

It took me 5 yrs after my last miscarriage to want hold a baby. It hurt so much. When I got pregnant with Ian, I was ready to go forward and be truly involved with life again.
Yes, I had to deal with Mister P and his autism but I did not get involved with other kids or help in the nursery IT WA WAY TOO HARD.

For anyone that knew me at that time knew that this was not normal for me as I was a kid person from my early teens -- at church my parents always knew where to find me either with the babies or with the missionaries.

I understand how much you are hurting and I grieve with you now.

Cliche as it is, Life Does Go On. You will come to terms with this and you too will move on. Just don't let anyone tell to move on until you are ready. Nathaniel was a real person whom God loved enough to take home so that he would not have to suffer here on earth.

I am hear if you just want to talk.
Ruby Olsen