Waiting Room

Another song that really spoke to me that Jonny Diaz sang at the concert.

Blow by blow

Last night my dear Abby would not fall asleep.  She was so tired that she just could not stop crying.  Finally I laid her in my arm and began to sing 'Jesus Loves Me'.  I made it through the song two times before I just lost it and she crashed at last.  I realized I will never get to hold little Nathaniel in my arms and sing songs to him and put him to sleep with my horrible singing voice.  I just sobbed and sobbed as I held her in my arms.  Today I went to my friend's house.  Her baby is 7 weeks old.  Abby just adores him.  She was so eager to hold him, give him his pacifier.  It just breaks my heart to see her missing out on having a baby brother.  I found out yesterday a good friend of mine here is having a baby boy.  She lives down the street from me and our daughter's play often.  It's going to be another piece 'missing' when she has her baby- to think our boys could have played together also.  Sigh.  As my due date approaches I cringe.  I'm so scared for that day to come.  To think tomorrow I "would" be 37 weeks.  I'd be huge, uncomfortable and anxious to meet my baby.  Sigh.

Grieving the Loss of Yourself

I am hoping in my spare time (what spare time, I'm not sure) to make another blog that can be public dealing w/infant loss, miscarriage, etc.  I hope to 'transport' my posts from this blog onto that, even as far back as baby "Grace".  We'll see how this goes! 

On another note, reading Becky Avella's book, 'And Then You Were Gone' (which I've mentioned before) something really struck me.  She talked about how you're forever changed by the loss of a baby.  Obviously.  She talked about how you need to also grieve how you change from this- that you will never be the same person.  It just totally struck me.  I mean hear you grieve the loss of your baby, but you also grieve the loss of yourself, ya know?  I've never even thought of that before.  I mean I know I've changed drastically with each loss, but never thought about how I have to deal with my 'change'.  Just something I've been pondering.  I have to be honest with you that I don't like the 'new' me.  Sure, God gives us these things to 'grow' us and in some ways I have but in others I just feel so lost, questioning and searching, angry and feeling hopeless at times.  And let's talk about the physical- it is sickening!  I weigh more now than I did when I was pregnant with Nathaniel and more than I have in well...I don't know since I've been pregnant?  It is frustrating!  I always seem to 'gain' weight after I lose a baby but c'mon!  So, I've been skipping some meals and such, hoping to lose some of it.  I need to start walking or getting on the treadmill but I seriously don't know when to do so.  It is hard to fit in one more thing!  Anyway, that is today's thoughts :)

Walk to Remember

Today a local hospital had a 'Walk to Remember'.  I haven't been to one before, and though I'd heard about it I still didn't really know what to expect.  I was anticipating it and yet dreading it at the same time- what a way to honor my babies but what a mess I would/could be!!!

We arrived and I filled out a form with our name/info and then walked to the next table.  They had little battery operated candles that say, "Mercy Walk to Remember" with an angel on them (Mercy is the name of the hospital).  They also had white roses with white ribbon where you could write your baby's name on the ribbon.  For some reason I just began to cry right then.  The lady across the table, the volunteer, just hugged me and looked like she was going to get teary.  It just overwhelmed me for a moment there.  We then went to a room where they were putting the siblings handprints on a mural type thing.  They're going to hang that on the Maternity Ward somewhere, near a room that they tend to use for people experiencing the loss of a baby. 

When we walked into the auditorium I could not believe all the people in there!  We almost couldn't find a seat and there were still a lot of people that had to come in!  It was overwhelming and so very sad to think we were all there for such a reason, that we've all lost babies, whether they were our child, brother, sister, etc.  It was also almost a comfort.  To know that so many others have walked this road.  We are not alone.  I hate that we all have to be on this path though.

They had a woman playing a harp, they had some special songs, prayers, poems and other 'snippets'.  I held it together pretty well.  In one part there were readers reading some scripture and the audience responds with a certain scripture (reminded me of Catholic church).  I almost did lose it then and couldn't speak aloud for a bit.  We 'lit' our candles.  We then walked around the 'campus' of the hospital.  It was simply amazing- all of us people.  I think there were at least 300!  Can you believe that?  As cars passed us I just felt so humbled to be able to do such a thing for my precious babies.  We had a picture taken in front of a fountain and then walked to the 'Memory Garden'.  There was a violinist, some reading and each person took their rose to the foot of an angel statue and spoke the name of the baby they were honoring.  Amazing.

I hate that we have to be part of that 'club', part of something like that.  At the same time I am so very thankful that we have something like that here that we can take part in.  I hope that while we're still here we'll make it an annual affair for our family.  I hope that the next place we move also has such a thing to honor our precious little ones.

Zach really thought this song was a tear-jerker:

STILL

music & lyrics: Gerrit Hofsink


I’ve been waiting for you
For such a long time
You’re always on my mind


And I’m lying awake
Most of the night
Waiting to hold you tight


Now that I do
And look at you
My heart is breaking
This can’t be true


Chorus:
Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again


Close to my soul
Close to my heart
Right from the start


Lost in time
Lost in space
Can’t wait to see your face


Now that I do
And look at you
My heart is breaking
I know it’s true


Chorus:
Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again


Sometimes I find myself wondering what to do
With this pain that I’m going through
But I know one day, God will take me away
And I’m coming home to you
And when I do
And look at you
My heart is healing
I know it’s true


Chorus:
Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again

What else I've been up to

Last night I was thinking of so many things I wanted to blog about tonight but do you really think I can remember any of it today?  Go figure!  My brain is shot! 

We missed co-op yesterday.  The kids were all coughing the night before and we thought it best to stay home.  The kids were totally bummed.  We didn't have hardly any 'normal' school to do so we did that real quick and did our own co-op.  They played Wii Sports (bowling, baseball and boxing).  Then they made some scarecrows.  We never did get to do 'music' but they do play Band Hero a lot with their dad, so it's not like they missed out :)  I think they had fun doing all that.  I spent my afternoon looking for info on John Smith, Pocahontas and Jamestown.  I found tons of stuff and got some books and videos from the library this morning. 

Speaking of this morning I went to head out to our town's farmer's market and there wasn't anything set up!!!  What on earth!?!?  We get farmer's market checks with WIC and I really wanted to use them (they expire at the end of Oct).  I thought for sure the farmer's market would still be set up today.  The weather is just beautiful too.  It almost annoys me- my whole menu was soups and fall-type of foods and who wants to make soup when its 80* out???

Ok, enough of boring you.  I know I'll be posting more on the concert as I share lyrics and songs with you!  Aren't you just excited?

The Reason For The World

I have to be honest with you.  Sometimes in life, in loss, I don't want to move on.  I guess the main reason is that I don't want my babies to be forgotten.  I want them to be remembered.  And lately I think God is telling me that it is okay to move on, that I need to.  I mean, I have been, but I can continually feel Him nudging me to keep going further- that it is through His strength and His hope that I can go on.  That there is a greater purpose in my loss, one I can't even comprehend.


Matthew West has a new album out and it is so amazing.  If you go to his site you can read about the project he took on and you can read the stories behind the songs.  Wow.  I kept thinking, "I'll have to download that from itunes" but then another song would be sung that I fell in love with and so I just bought the CD!  I'm going to share the lyrics with you from this song The Reason For The World. 


There are no words in times like these

When tears don't hide the tragedies
And all you want is a reason for the world


No comfort in the greeting card
Cause God is good
But life's still hard
and your heart just wants a reason for the world


Maybe the reason for the pain
Is so we would pray for strength
And maybe the reason for the strength
Is so that we would not lose hope
And maybe the reason for all hope
Is so that we could face the world
And the reason for the world
Is to make us long for home


For God so loved your broken heart
He sent his son to where you are
and he died
To give a reason for the world


So lift your sorrows to the one
Whose plan for you has just begun
And rests here in the hands that hold the world


Maybe the reason for the pain
Is so we would pray for strength
And maybe the reason for the strength
Is so that we would not lose hope
And maybe the reason for all hope
Is so that we could face the world
And the reason for the world
Is to make us long for home


Well I know your past the point of broken
Surrounded by your fear
I KNOW you're faint and tired and lonely
from the road that you walked down here
But just keep your eyes on heaven
and know that you are not alone
remember the reason for the world


No ear has heard
No eye has seen
Not even in your wildest dreams
A beauty that awaits beyond this world
When you look into the eyes of grace
and hear the voice of mercy say
Child, welcome to the reason for the world


The words in bold are the ones that really spoke to me, although really the whole song did.  The bold words are what God is really teaching me right now.  You can always find the song on YouTube and listen to it there also.

Blessings, Blessings

Wow, my socks were blown off tonight! We went to a Matthew West concert. Haven't heard of him? He's a Christian artist who sings some pretty awesome songs- you're missing out :) His opening acts were Josh Wilson and Jonny Diaz. One of Josh Wilson's songs has really ministered to me the past four months and I was so excited to see him in person! I'm hoping tomorrow to elaborate more on the concert- when I'm not so tired. There were quite a few songs that just touched my heart tonight that I really want to share with you. Tonight I'm simply going to leave you with...um...which one should I pick first? I guess I'll go with a Josh Wilson one tonight since he was the first artist up. This is his instrumental of Amazing Grace and it was simply a.m.a.z.i.n.g.  The video simply doesn't do it justice compared to the real deal!

Names

In our Bible study for Mommies with Hope we're reading Becky Avella's book, "And Then You Were Gone."  In the chapter we read she talked about her babies names.  Teske posted on the MwH blog about names and I thought I'd just copy my comment here about the names we chose for our heavenly babies.

We named our miscarriage Grace (well more I did, now the kids have picked up on it also, so I'm sure Zach will soon follow). I don't know the gender of the baby, part of me feels it was a girl (until recently with losing two boys I'm second guessing). My friend did have a 'vision' of a little girl running through a field when I was going through the miscarriage. Grace because every song, every verse that kept coming at me was all about God's grace- most especially Chris Tomlin's song Amazing Grace.



Our second loss we named Malachi Robert. Malachi means Messenger of God, angel. We believe he really sent a strong message to people about the sanctity of life. Robert is my husband's middle name, and as with all our boys we use their middle names after a family member or someone meaningful in our lives. It means Bright Fame.


Our third loss we named Nathaniel Larry. It was totally God who gave us this name as we just didn't have a name (we were waiting to find out the sex of the baby at our ultrasound so didn't really discuss names much). Nathaniel was not on our list at all, but as I began to search for names that mean God's gift or Gift of God that one jumped out at me. Nathaniel means Gift of God, and he surely was a gift to us! Larry is after Zach's dad. It does mean 'Crowned with Laurel' and I can't help but think of the crown sweet Nathaniel is wearing.

Powerful Psalms

Tonight at our Small Group we were asked to each pick a Psalm that ministers to us and tell why.  It was great digging in the Psalms (and also hard to pick just one)!  Some verses really struck me from some chapters that people read and I wanted to share them. 

Psalm 22: 9, 10 "Yet you brought me out of the womb, you made me trust in you even at my mother's breast.  From birth I was cast upon you; from my mother's womb you have been my God."

Although our babies maybe haven't been at our breasts, they were made in our womb. So often we think of birth as the time our babies enter the world, but really it is from conception. So, from the time our baby was conceived they were cast upon God- from the very moment on conception they have been God's child! Wow! That is just so awesome to think about.



Psalm 71: 6 "From birth I have relied on you; you brought me forth from my mother's womb.  I will ever praise you."

Again, "birth" being conception- from the moment our babies were conceived they've relied on God.  Nothing we do or don't do will cause our child to grow right or wrong or not grow at all.  God intricately designs each child in the womb- and that child fully relies on Him before they take their first breath!  And when they don't have the opportunity to take a breath here on earth how much sweeter for them!  Then the verse says, "I will ever praise you."  How often do we on earth not praise Him?  But our precious heavenly babies are always, forever praising Him!!!  He created them (and us) with that very purpose- to praise and glorify Him!!!  It just amazed me to dwell on those scriptures tonight.  Even though we feel ripped off from not having our babies here with us, God created them specifically for heaven, for continual praise unto Him!  May we strive to always praise Him, even through the tough times of grief.

Some of my thoughts tonight

Sorry if this seems like rambling, it is simply my heart tonight as I contemplate God, my babies in heaven and where I currently 'am'.

Sometimes we feel so alone in our grief, but we're never alone in the trials we face
God is there with us, through the fiery flames
Holding our hands and helping us rise again
We will conquer, we will overcome
We have us an example who's overcome the greatest obstacle- the grave!!!
When we feel we've nowhere to turn and nowhere to run, it is to His hiding place, His loving arms, His solid rock that we can turn
People will fail us, they'll say the wrong things
But, God, in His goodness will carry us on His wings

When the storm is so brutal and we can't rise again,
His hand will guide us and lead us to Him
Don't give up hope, do not despair
He is here with us when we can't contain the tears.

Thank YOU, Lord Jesus for holding me tight
For not letting me give up the good fight
For forgiving me over and over again
For the questions, the doubting, the anger and sin

I know this is all for Your glory, for Your good and I know my babies are safe with you now.  Never will they know hunger, thirst, want, selfishness, anger, sadness.  They were created with Heaven as their home.  I won't understand it here on earth, but I know my precious babies were destined for Heaven.  Please use their lives to further Your kingdom.  Please use me through these difficult times.  Use me in my sadness, my anger, my longing, my emptiness.  Fill me with You and You alone.  Please take this ache, this deep longing and fill me.  Amen.

Fun, laughs and a spiritual wake-up call

We had a GREAT time at the Pumpkin Patch today!!!  Zach took the day off and came along!  The weather couldn't have been better- for October it was a gorgeous day!  We all had to take off our jackets!  And when we were trekking through the corn maze I got a bit sweaty!!!  Amazing!  The kids had a blast on the jumping pillow, slides, tire swings, corn box, hayride, corn maze and picking out their pumpkins.  It was so much fun!  Growing up we never had things like this to do.  I'm so thankful my kiddos have these opportunities- fun memories for us all!  I took a ton of pictures but facebook won't let me load pictures lately. 

Here's a funny that happened on the way home.  Zach stopped at Bass Pro Shop and took the boys in.  I turned around in my seat to change Abby's diaper and there were these guys walking by the suburban and they just kept looking in (I think they could see in even though I have tinted windows).  I finished with Abby, put her in her seat and sat back in my seat, realizing that the guys were parked next to me and somehow I could tell they were still looking my way.  Weird.  For some reason I looked down toward my lap and realized my boob was hanging out of my shirt (but still in my bra)!!!!  Oh my goodness, I about died!  I am STILL cracking up about it!!!  It probably didn't help their minds any that my bra was a nude color!  There's my embarrassment for the year!

Tonight I went to a Bible study I began going to for Mommies with Hope.  It has been real encouraging.  On my way home I began thinking about how I feel like I'm never home lately.  It seems like there's always something going on.  Last night I went out with my friend Sadie.  Tomorrow night we have our Small Group.  Thursday afternoon is park day.  Friday is co-op and I want to go to a concert that night.  I love getting out and doing things but lately (well since like August) it seems like I'm always running!  I just keep telling myself that it's just for a season- before I know it the snow will fall and I'll be a homebody as much as possible.  Which I know is true, but I still hate feeling like we're gone so much.  So, I get home from Bible study and proceed to read my devotional for the day.  Ok, can you say "spiritual spanking"?  The title is 'My Resting Place' and it is referring to our homes.  God calls the righteous home a resting place.  Isaiah 30:15 says, "This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it."  She asks the question, "Are you letting the enemy use little things, subtle things, or even good things to rob you of your resting place?"  WOW!  I was JUST thinking of those very things!!!  All I'm doing are little things.  I'm doing good things.  But it is taking away from what is truly important- what God has called ME to do- to provide a resting place for my family!  She also says, "God calls you to come back into the heart of your home, He wants you to rest in your home, He wants your home to be the center of your life where you can live in quietness and confidence."  If that doesn't speak any clearer to me, then I need a 2x4 upside the head!  Now I will need to ask God those things to 'get rid of' in my life to help my focus be more on home.  I know it's ok for me to go out sometimes, to do things, etc, but I also know God desires me to be at home more raising my children for His kingdom.  Isaiah 32:18 says "My people shall dwell in quiet resting places."  Henry Wadsworth Longfellow says, "Stay, stay at home, my heart and rest; Home-keeping hearts are happiest."

Music~ Minister

One thing that's spoken to me during my times of loss is music. I'll share some of it here with you this month. Some I may have shared in the past. This is one of my new favorites, but I do have a lot of favorites these days!

As hard as life sometimes is, even when we feel we can no longer stand, all we need to do is cry out to HIM and we will be sustained. We will not drown! So often I've thought I'm just gonna sink in my pain, my misery, but He ALWAYS pulls me through! He is so good to us!

Standing for the Unborn

Today was Life Chain.  I told my kids where I was going and what I was going to do and asked them if they wanted to come.  All three did.  Zach stayed home with napping Abby.  I was so amazed and proud that they wanted to come with me rather than stay home and play!  Part of me feared them horsing around and not listening to me during the event, but they did GREAT!  We picked our signs up at the church that was hosting it and I saw a friend from my homeschool group.  She told me where she was driving to so I drove down there and we sat/stood together.  I read parts of the back of the signs to the boys, explaining the behavior that we should exemplify as we stand holding these signs.  They seemed so proud to stand there holding these signs.  After a while Josiah said, "Oh, I need to smile!" (one of the 'rules') and put a big grin on his face, holding his sign high.  I was teary eyed, seeing my children doing what they were- taking an hour and a half of their time to stand for the unborn.  It meant so much to me to share that time with them.  We had many cars go by where people honked, threw out peace signs and waved.  We also had a few flip us off and one lady yelled out, "Judge not lest ye be judged!"  I was amazed at the line of people standing, dedicating their day to these babies.  I wish I couldn't driven by to see just how many people there were.  I remember we did this once in North Carolina and tehre weren't nearly as many people who did it (of course the town was a lot smaller also). 

Changin' My Look

In honor of the month I'm changing the look of my blog.  This background is called Gracie.  How fitting is that, since I've "named" our first baby we lost Grace.  I am not sure if this baby was a boy or girl, but everywhere I turned there was something about "grace".  It just was fitting to name the baby the name I did.  It hasn't been until recently that we've really begun to use the name.  Zach wasn't keen on it, not knowing the sex of the baby, but the kids seem to have picked up on the name.  I also wanted a blue color, in honor of my boys in heaven, Malachi and Nathaniel.  The flowers are just fitting as well.  I also asked Hannah to help me and out of the three I found this was our favorite. 

Last night I had a really difficult night.  Who am I kidding, yesterday was just a hard day- emotionally, hormonally, mommy-wise, etc.  This is what I wrote on facebook last night as I had turned out the light and got ready to fall asleep: 

Before it even registers in my mind my body just knows the time...and then the grief hits like a slap in the face and the tears fall in their own accord. It's been 4 months. I would be due in exactly a month (on the 3rd). No wonder my day was so difficult.

It was so weird, I was up reading and I was fine.  I turned out the light and the tears just began to fall.  They seemed to come out of nowhere.  Then it just dawned on me.  Sometimes you just have those moments.  You just fall apart and later realize exactly why!



Angels

Angels

An Angel from the Book of Life

Wrote down my baby's birth,

And whispered as she closed the book

"Too Beautiful For Earth"

Author Unknown

I found this online and it really touched me as I read it.  How very true. 

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  I'm hoping to use my blog this month to share something every day on the matter, whether is something personal or not.  I know I missed yesterday so I'll try to share two things today (lucky you).

It is really sad that there even needs to be such a 'month'.  I know it is also Breast Cancer Awareness Month and I'm hoping those affected by that will share with us. 

Miscarriage or infant loss is so much more common than we tend to think.  It's almost like it's own special 'club', one none of us wants nor chooses to be in.  About one in every four pregnancies ends in 'miscarriage' (I use that term loosely).  So I guess I could look at my four living children and think how they're all miracles, but especially one of them?  I think my children are miracles as it is, of course, and most especially Abigail as she's here amongst 3 babies who were conceived but never had a chance to take a breath here on earth.  One in four.  It is amazing when we're at our Mommies with Hope meetings how many of us have multiple losses.  To think of the children that could fill that room!!!  On the other hand, Heaven has got to be filled with children- loads and loads of babies!  I cannot wait to meet my babies!!! 

It's all a bit confusing

So, I am updating you on my doctor appointment I had the other day.  It still all confuses me a bit, so I'll do my best.  Some of you probably received an email about it, but I wanted to post it here also, just in case I forgot someone who actually may read my blog (I have no idea who you are because you people don't comment)!!! 

I was tested for antiphospholipid antibodies.  Apparently there are 4 of them that relate to pregnancy.  One is called Cardiolipin and I tested borderline for it.  Therefore it wasn't quite positive but also wasn't negative.  It means I could test positive for it in the future, but not necessarily.  I also had an ANA screen done (Anti-Nuclear Antibody).  My number was like 1.160 or something.  Being that it is that isn't quite a concern, it becomes a concern when its like 1.600.  But being that it is the number it is also alerts the doctor that something is going on.  So, because I haven't tested positive at this time to these tests I don't need to take blood thinners while I'm pregnant (if I become pregnant), but as soon as I become pregnant I need to take a baby aspirin.  Something about it causes pregnancies to stick in women that have the same results as myself.  Nine out of ten pregnancies turn out great.  That 1 does concern me, but...

Here is a part I forgot to mention in the email (and probably the most important part, to me).  Before I went to my appointment I was at homeschool park day.  I was talking to a few women about my appointment and the one woman shared how she lost two babies, got tested, couldn't remember what the diagnosis was called, told us she took a baby aspirin and got pregnant with her son.  Then the name popped out of her mouth- the same thing!!!!  Really?  REALLY!!!  What are the chances!?!?  I was on the way home from my appointment and just kept saying, "God you're so weird" through my tears.  It's a 'relief' to know sorta what I 'have' or what's going on but it also stinks that it really is something wrong with my body!  I mean seriously, what are the chances that a woman you're talking to an hour BEFORE your appointment blurts out the same name!!! 

Since I have shared this with people I've had a lot of responses from people who know somebody or have something similar.  I've gotten a lot of advice, some saying to get a second opinion and some saying to request the blood thinners anyway, etc.  I've also been asked if I was really going to try to get pregnant again (to which I responded, "Well, we don't prevent anything and I DO want a baby."  Zach and I really haven't had a chance to discuss it much, but my 'gut' right now is telling me I need to stick with what the doctor is saying.  I've heard of women (through Mommies with Hope) who took the baby aspirin and it didnt' work for them and they lost their baby.  I need to remember that it's different for each of us.  It will be hard not to compare me to them.  I will worry if I get pregnant.  And it's not like I want to lose another baby, I can't imagine that again, but at the same time if it did happen at least then we'd know the next step, if that makes sense. 

I'm still in shock.  I can't believe that after all this time, after these losses and this grief that I have an idea of what is going on. 

Tomorrow, tomorrow....

Maybe holds the answers!?!?  After 5 stinkin' weeks I finally caved in and called the doctors office!  Boy, am I glad I did (they said they were too).  Apparently my chart got pushed aside or something when Dr. D was on vacation.  Real nice.  Oh well, they were kind about it and will see me tomorrow afternoon with the results.  I knew they wouldn't give me any information over the phone and the nurse on the phone said, "The doctor is much better at explaining the results and helping you know what to do to have a successful pregnancy in the future." (or something similar along those lines).  Soooo, that seriously leads me to believe they found the answer.  I hope, anyway.  Otherwise, would she have said that?  Then again, some of the women I've been meeting have gotten such answers, thinking they were 'good to go' only to get pregnant again, lose that baby, do further testing and find out it was other things also.  BUT I rest in God's hands in this.  As I read in a book we're reading in the Mommies with Hope Bible study- these tests are maybe a means to healing, as are many other things.  They will not give me the fulfillment I need, only God can do that (totally paraphrased that).  So, hopefully at this time tomorrow I'll be sitting with Dr. D receiving word.  And maybe, just maybe this month we can give it a try again?

In other news, if you follow me on facebook you know I broke my toe.  Just a real tiny break- he couldn't even see it until the 3rd X-ray and that had to be magnified.  But, it'd enough to hurt that's for sure!  I do notice I can walk a bit easier today that I could on Monday.  What happened?  We went to an open house on Sunday and I was walking down the stairs, talking to the real estate agent and reading the paper she'd handed me.  I came to the landing at the bottom and assumed I had two more stairs, but there were three.  So, I fell on my knees but somewhere in there my big feet got in the way.  I am so clumsy- I totally need to be locked up :-)  For so many reasons!  But, as I was thinking about it the other day, at least I wasn't pregnant with a broken toe!  I couldn't imagine being 35 weeks pregnant with a broken toe (yes, I'd be 35 weeks today)! 

Expounding

Ok, so it's not just that I prayed a prayer as a girl, asking Jesus into my heart.  It is so much more than that and I feel I need to explain.  Once I made the commitment to follow Jesus I turned away from the life I once lived, a life of sin.  Does that mean I'm now sinless and perfect?  By no means for "No one is perfect, not even one".  It means I'm conscious of my sins and try to walk in the light of Jesus.  It also means I have a relationship with Him.  I can't simply just say I believe in Him, but there also has to be fruit.  Now, I'd hope that for the last 23 years there's been good fruit in my life!  If not then I am not walking with Jesus.  He is not just my Lord and Savior, He is my friend.  When, as a girl, I desired a daddy to spend time with me so much, Jesus turned into my Daddy, my Heavenly Daddy.  How do I grow in Him?  I pray to Him.  I need to pray more, though.  One of my downfalls is that I tend to run to people with my problems instead of God.  I also read the Holy Bible, the Words written by Him but penned by men He ordained.  I study it.  I attend church where I can learn more about Him, take place in corporate worship and have fellowship with other believers.  I've fallen through the years, many times hard, but I know I am secure in my salvation in Him.  My salvation doesn't give me the right to sin, but the grace He gives covers my sin.  The past few months have been some of the lowest of my life and I've questioned God repeatedly in light of my grief.  Nobody knows grief like God though, for He watched His only Son die on the cross the most brutal death.  His only Son.  For OUR sins. 

John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Romans 5: 6-8 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Acts 16:31 "Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved- you and your household."

Romans 3:10 As it is written: "There is no one righteous, not even one;"

John 15:4 Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

Isaiah 30:21 Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."

2 Timothy 3:16 All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness

Hebrews 10:25 Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Isaiah 53:3 He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

And one of my favorite verses is Proverbs 3:5,6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. This is so true. As difficult as it is, we can't just trust in God in our good times, the times we're on the mountaintop. We also need to trust in Him in the valleys, in the most difficult times of our lives. He will always, always see us through if we allow Him to work through us. I believe that with all of my heart, even though it's not always the easy thing to do.

Update on 'Honesty'

Ok, so I'm going to fill you in on our meeting at church.  We walked into the Pastor's office and it was filled with 10 deacons!  Seriously, they were intent on 'knowing' us, I guess!  So, here are Zach and I on a couch facing 11 people!  Yikes!  They first asked Zach his salvation story and why we want to be member's of the church.  They asked him a few questions and then turned to me.  I was so nervous- I hate talking in front of people and I could feel my face just getting redder and redder. 

I told them how I grew up going to church.  How my mom would drop me off at church and I'd go to Sunday School and then in church sit in the front row alone.  I was just a young girl.  Then we went to a Tent Meeting, a 'revival' and I went into the children's tent.  There was a guy named Grandpa Happy who taught us about Jesus.  I then learned the message of salvation and gave my life to Jesus.  (This may not all be word for word how I said it).  I can't remember if they began with questions then.  I know I was only 10 at the time and shared that.  I think they asked how my life changed or something to that affect and what I meant by 'getting saved'.  Somebody asked me what the Cross meant to me.  Geez, I was being bombarded with questions!  I said something about God and the Pastor piped in about Jesus and who is Jesus to me?  I guess because I said the word God and not Jesus, they probably thought I didn't know God & Jesus were the same.  Seriously, when I'm nervous my words just don't come out right.  I can't even remember what else they asked me, but it was like they were doubting my salvation!!!  WOW!  I KNOW I'm saved!  I wish now I could have shared more.  And our lives with the Lord are a 'work in progress'.  I fall, I stumble, but I get back up.  I know Jesus died for my sins on the cross- that all my sins were there on the cross with every beating, every anguished cry.  I believe in Him, turned from my sins, gave my life over too Him and try (and fail) daily to live for Him. 

When we were done they didn't even say anything about whether we're 'accepted' as members or not!  So we have NO idea!  Zach thinks they won't accept us because of the way they drilled me!  I was encouraged when he turned to me though and said, "I know you're saved."  And you know what, I know I'm saved too.  The Lord knows my heart.  But at the same time, it sure gets you to doubt your salvation if you know what I mean.  I began to question if indeed I was.  Wow!  I have assurance though that I am indeed going to Heaven, that I am indeed the Lord's child and that JESUS died on the cross for MY sins.

When we went to small group the other night Zach was telling the leader how we met with the elders.  He 'acted' surprised about how it went but to me it almost seemed a show to me so I wonder if he heard about it (he is the pastor's son-in-law).  Maybe it's just all in my head too.  Do I even want to go to a church like this, to be a member here?  I'm so torn.  Of course I have to follow my husband's lead in this, but geez, it was almost very discouraging =(  Now I'm determined to 'write down' my salvation story so next time I get it 'right'.  As if I don't know it.  I think the thing is that I was so young when I was saved.  Like I said though, we're 'works in progress'.  Sigh.