Ranting

Sigh.  Scream.  Sigh.  This is how I feel right now.  I'm at the END of my rope today!  What a horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE day.  I don't know what the deal is, but my 10 year old is being a major brat.  Seriously, the last straw was her attempt at tracing her hands for a project we were working on.  I suggested that each of the three of them help one another with tracing hands, but the boys were determined to do their own and were done tracing in no time at all.  Well, said 10 yr old decides to just throw a fit about it, attempting to get them perfect, crying, erasing, whining...the whole thing.  Seriously????  I know tracing our hands isn't always that easy, but suck it up and do it!!!  She got them traced, rather sloppily, but I told her to cut them out of which she did the worst job ever.  I just lost it.  Told her to clean up.  Put everything away.  She didn't get to partake in the project that her brothers had already FINISHED.  And you know its bad when she finishes before Josiah!!!  So, she got some more spankings and I sent her to her room.  I don't even want to LOOK at her right now- it will not be pretty!  I'm just fed up.  This is the project the boys got to make.  We've been studying birds in science and as our last project they made ostriches :)  I love them!!!

Then I don't know if it's my computer, websites or what but I can't open ANYTHING.  Swagbucks isn't working, facebook isn't working.  C'mon people!  It's called technology- get with it! 

Sometimes I just feel like I could really explode when I get so mad.  I hate that feeling, ya know?  And I've been praying, reading my devotions and yet still feel like such a FAILURE.  The sucky weather doesn't help either...cloudy, rainy, windy...I need some SUNSHINE in so many ways!  Anyway, thanks for listening to me rant! 

Honesty

Acts 2: 42-47

They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.

I wrote another post this morning, but I didn't publish it. I just don't want to come across the wrong way. I don't want to come across as being whiny, I simply want to state my heart in this matter. My heart has been heavy on this very issue for some time. I don't want to get into my complaints or disappointments here, at least not in depth!

We have attended our current church for over a year now. A year ago we joined a cell group. We go to a relatively large (large to us) church that has two morning services to accommodate numbers. We haven't really gone to the 'coffee time' between services too often, I admit. I attended a Women's Retreat in the spring and Zach just attended a Men's Retreat. We've had I think only one family in our home for fellowship, aside from the normal cell group times, although we've invited a few others. I've gotten together with the gals from cell group to fellowship and have dinner or dessert or coffee. Aside from those instances, aside from the 'set' meeting times there's been little else, although we were provided meals after losing Nathaniel from both our cell group and a sister group.

Today is a 'big' day. A few months ago we attended the 3 hour long membership class. A few weeks ago we turned in our membership application, enclosing our written testimony. The next part is to meet with the deacon(s) and verbally give your testimony. That is what is taking place tonight. I am nervous. I don't feel ready. Not nervous about my testimony or sharing it, but nervous about joining a church that I'm just currently not comfortable in. I think Zach's main goal in becoming members is so that we're able to serve, which makes sense. I love the preaching, the songs/worship are wonderful but I feel like the fellowship is really lacking for us.

I know we're 'new'. I know many people have gone to this church for years. Many went to Bible college together. Many are family with one another. But does that excuse them from embracing new families? Are we just falling through the cracks or are there others like us who feel the same way? Now that we'll be official members will we be more 'accepted'? I just feel like a church body should be like the verses above. We should be breaking bread together, meeting throughout the week, etc. I have had one very short playdate with one person from our cell group (at my house). One. One family has come for dinner. One. Whatever happened to the encouraging one another, fellowship, meals, actually knowing one another?

I told Zach last night that I feel like in the 3 weeks that I've gone to a homeschool co-op that I've met and am getting to know more people than in the year and a half we've been going to church. I knew of maybe 2 or 3 women before said co-op but never really sat and visited with them much. How sad!!! I don't mind that my fellowship comes from co-op or other homeschool events, but should said fellowship come more from those than from your own church family?

And my husband really put himself on the line going to the Men's Retreat not really knowing anybody too well. I'm proud of him! I think it's (normally) easier for us women to do such things than men. Do you know that the people who talked with him were older men??? Men our parent's age and older? Seriously, how sad is that!?!

UGH, I am just so frustrated! I'm really not 'feeling' it, really not desiring to be a part of this body. I will follow my husband's leadership if that is what he feels is right, and I'll pray that maybe more doors will open for us to fellowship with others once we're finally 'in'. But why should it take a form and interview to be 'accepted'? Or maybe I'm just putting too much in the way of 'feelings' into this. There are also some other instances I could write about that have me doubting this step, like the fact that a friend who doesn't even go to this church contacted them after I lost Nathaniel and was really needing tangible help, but I was never contacted on it and neither was she. Could this be the reason I feel so ill this weekend, why my stomach is seriously hurting? Please just pray for us. Pray for me, that my emotions don't get in the way of my judgement on this.

Poopies and Funnies

What an interesting park day. Thankfully the park we were at had a bathroom- an outhouse. Josiah really, really had to go. He did not want to go in that bathroom but what can ya do. When you gotta go that bad you really have to go! So, it rained last night and the outhouse was a bit wet. The toilet paper was wet. He was going to have to sit down AND use the TP. Hmm...thank goodness for wipes! I just stuck wipes on the seat and he had to use wipes. Poor kid. Gabe had to go too, thankfully not as bad as Josiah so he just sprayed the fence by the bathroom! Then, leave it to Abby to poop in her diaper! When I finished changing her I noticed she had poop on her finger. Lovely. I'm thinking that soon I'm going to take a few days off of school, be low key and at home and have some potty training days. I just can't work potty training into a full school day, ya know? So, while I had a great time visiting and getting to know some other homeschool mama's better it was interesting in a few other departments.

On a funny note, Hannah wasn't remembering her multiplication facts very well. She told me a few different times that she must have been brainwashed over the summer (meaning she forgot them). I was wondering why and were she got the brainwashed thing from, until I was reading last night. I'm reading a book of hers called The Girl Who Could Fly. Sure, its a 'childrens' book but it is like 300 pages and really good. Ahha- I saw where she got 'brainwashed' from!

More funnies...

Some of you may have seen some of these on facebook. I'm just recording them for my own memory :)

The kid that lives behind us has a RED mohawk. Josiah says he looks like the Pharaoh and we should call him that! :D


The other night I was listening to music on my iPod with Abby. She was trying to sing along. She brings me such joy :)



Abby pointed to Sleeping Beauty on her nightgown and said, "What's that, Mom?" Before I answered she answered her own question with, "Mama!" Glad she thinks her Mama is as pretty as a princess!


The other day when we were talking about the dog park they made in our town Hannah asked, "Do they have dog slides and stuff too?" LOL Gotta love it!


My "baby" fell asleep with her finger up her nose!!!


We are memorizing a Bible verse- Galatians 2:20 'I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live...'. When Gabe was saying it the other day he said something like, "I have been goosfiedwithrice" (he ran it all together and the word rice was definitely in there). LOL

My kids cannot say memorize. I think they mix it up with the word remember. Earlier Hannah said to me, "Mom, I gotta rememorize my poem for co-op."

And I'll even include one about the dog. I was reading a Jesse Bear book to Abby yesterday and making up my own words. There's a picture of Daddy coming home and so I shouted, "Daddy's home!" just like I do when he's really home. Daisy loves when Daddy comes home- she barks and runs to the door and goes ballistic. So when I said that, at 8 am, she was going crazy! It was so funny!

Bittersweet

Yesterday my friend Sadie & her kiddos came over. We were walking to the park when Gabe fell in some weeds on the trail and began to itch all over. He was miserable and was barely able to stand up to walk, but surprisingly didn't cry or anything. I feared maybe it was poison ivy and we turned around to come home and figure out what to do. I headed straight for my laptop and Google and found out I *think* it was stinging nettles. It was weird because by the time I got home it looked better! I wiped it with a baby wipe right after it happened and when we got home I washed it with dish soap (it was both one leg and one arm). There were little raised bumps on both, but an hour later you could barely see them. Zach brought home Benadryl and Calamine lotion and we gave him both. Today its barely there and he hasn't said a word about it. Weird.





Anyway, my post was not supposed to be about that adventure, although I'm so proud of how calm I remained! I think it really helped just having Sadie there, another adult. I just feel like I handled it well (giving myself a pat on the back)! So, to get to my original point. I got to hold her 3 week old baby, which was the benefit of missing the park! What a sweetie that little guy is! I was pretty well composed until Abby was curious when I started to give him his bottle and burp him. When I was burping him she came over and wanted to give him his bottle. She opened her mouth wide as if she was inserting it in her mouth and then helped put it in his mouth! It was SO sweet and funny!!! She 'held' him for a bit also. It really makes me sad for her...I feel like not only are we 'jipped' a baby but so are our children. She won't have a little baby of her own to help mama with :(

Tonight I had my Pampered Chef party. At first it appeared I'd have like 3 people but like 10 or more people showed up! Holy Smokes!!! Sadie brought the baby again and another gal had her baby also. I had Abby come down at the end and once again she was so curious with the babies. She was jealous at one point when I held Landon and another time she looked around asking where he was because someone else was holding him and he wasn't where she saw him last! When she was brought up to bed she waved and said, "Bye baby." The other gal had her baby laying on the floor for awhile and Abby went over to him just petting him and sitting by him, trying to give him his pacifier. When I went to pick him up she followed me, sat in the chair next to me at the table and just wanted to look at him. Then she wanted to hold him!!!! She patted his head, kissed him and even poked his eyes- OOPS! I was teary eyed. It was absolutely precious and I just wanted to scream out at God, "WHY did you have to take HER baby brother from her??????" It just doesn't seem right, ya know?



Also, when I was holding Landon tonight Hannah commented and said she wished Abby was still that small and she looked all teary eyed. I then said to her that we "should" be having one of our own soon and she started to cry, which then had me crying! Sometimes I feel like they forget I was ever pregnant. I did think it was weird yesterday that she didn't seem interested in Landon at all and when I asked her if she wanted to hold him she pretty much ignored me. It really breaks my heart. I miss my baby so much and then to see how my children "miss" him too- it KILLS me! Not a day goes by that I don't think about it. Heck, I'd be huge by now. Even with all the pregnant women here tonight...sigh. I just wanna be in their shoes, ya know? Aches, pains and all. Maybe I haven't blogged about this all in awhile, maybe I don't talk about it as much but it's still so raw. It still aches and hurts and sometimes just ticks me off. Tonight is one of those nights where I'll fall asleep crying. For not only is it a loss to this Mama and Daddy but to the precious sisters and brothers.

You know your child is homeschooled when:

They're 8 years old and cannot tie their shoes. Now granted, they lived in the South for most of their life and really have not worn shoes with ties all that often, but still.

They can't jump rope at 10 years old.

:) Just had to share!

Seasons change

Well, I spent my only sleeping in day waking early to hit some garage sales. This was probably the last time of the season I'll be going out. I began the season saling with Sadie and we ended it that way too! We hit quite a few of them- I'm surprised how many there were today, being fall AND the Iowa vs Iowa State game. We'd hit one that was on my list from the paper and what do ya know that we'd find at least another in the same area. I was on the lookout for some more shirts for Abby as well as warmer pj's. I was also looking for pj's for Josiah, but figuring I probably wouldn't find any since you don't normally find anything for them! Well, i got Abby lots and lots of cute little pj's, a few shirts and an outfit or two. I also got a cute shelf for the boys' room that has little bins to put things in it. It's perfect for their little toys they always leave in their room or their CD's or wallets. I picked up the movie 'My Girl'. I was just thinking the other day how I hadn't seen it in ages and then I saw it so I had to get it! I'm sure Hannah would like it too. I also got Abby a little toy dr. kit. Hannah got a skirt. I managed to pick up two winter coats and snowpants for my friend, Jenn- which were only $7!!! It was a great morning for sales! So, until next year...you can find me at 'normal' stores or maybe a thrift or consignment shop when I'm looking for clothes for the kids!

Reminder

Remind me why I do this again. WHY do I homeschool? I thought it was supposed to be ENJOYABLE! Why is it EVERY day SOMEBODY cries, if not EVERYBODY???? WHAT am I doing WRONG??? I think I just feel like I don't have my 'children's hearts', if that makes sense (if you've read Tedd Tripp's book you'd know what I'm talking about). I just feel so lost, like everything I'm doing is just a lost effort. Satan's really been working on getting me down these days.

Hump Day Funnies

Some cute things from my kiddos:

Yesterday Gabe wanted to turn on the TV. He says to Hannah, "I know how to turn on the TV. See, you press this button- it says Tuv." He was trying to sound out the word! I had to tell him it was just as it was- T.V.

Yesterday I looked over at Abby. She was sitting on the stairs with her baby doll, holding her in a position like the baby was nursing. CUTE! I wonder if she remembers being nursed or what, because she sure hasn't seen anybody nursing in awhile!

When Zach got home from work yesterday Gabe said to him, "Dad, I found your phone number song on the radio." Zach says, "You mean 867-5309?" Gabe says no and starts to sing the song that is Zach's ringtone! LOL Cute!

Down, down, down

Do you ever just feel like throwing in the towel? Saying, "WHY bother?" I've been SOOOO feeling that way lately. Like why do I bother to do this when THAT happens? I can't really elaborate, but I sure feel like everything I do is just a waste of time. I hate it. I KNOW what I'm doing is RIGHT, yet....blah. Life rots.

One Week Under Our Belts

It's hard to believe our first week has gone by. It certainly was a busy one. By the second day I was ready to just quit and pick it up again some other time! It was mostly dealing with attitudes and such at that point, but MOM has been more CONSISTENT in discipline measures and that really has helped with the rest of the week (for the most part). It is nice that the first week or two are pretty much review. We did a few projects this week, like make the Pinta, Nina and Santa Maria.

Yesterday we had our first day of co-op. It went really well. Abby didn't even cry when I brought her to the nursery- she just went right in and played happily the whole 3 hours! I'm sure I missed her more than she missed me! I helped in gym time and that was ok. I'm not much of an athletic person but I didn't have to do much :) Probably one of the easiest 'jobs' there! It was a lot of fun watching the preschool and kindergartners play kickball :) The kids had a lot of fun also. The subjects are Music, Gym, Art & Science. In science Hannah's learning Chemistry and the boys both learned about the earth's crust, core and mantle. They also get a snack time in there. I met a few people as well and just feel thankful for all the people God has been placing in my life.

It was such a busy week and I have been exhausted last night and today because of it! I'm thankful its a long weekend and hoping to do much of nothing but so far that hasn't been the case :) And today is almost over! I got a sitter lined up for tonight so Zach and I will go out and do something- just not sure what! I really want to go shopping as I only fit in two pairs of pants, but we'll see. I could always go another day if he's not interested in watching me try on clothes :)

Not to ruffle feathers here, I thought this was cute

You Must Be Homeschooled If...

1. Someone asks what grade you're in and you're not sure.
2. You sometimes go to school in your pajamas.
3. You sleep till 9:00 am on school days, but get up early on Sundays.
4. Your favorite author is Jane Austen (girls) or Robert Louis Stevenson (boys).
5. Your birthday is an official school holiday.
6. You don't get to stay home from school when you're sick.
7. Your favorite activity is reading.
8. You know what a unit study is.
9. You have attempted to teach yourself physics.
10. You know the scientific names of dinosaurs from A to Z.
11. Watching a movie means you'll have to write a report comparing the film to the book.
12. You dress up as historical or literary characters for Halloween.
13. You exchange e-mail Valentines with your homeschool pen pals.
14. You can get science credit for going to the dentist or doctor.
15. You go to the park for P.E.
16. You check out at least ten books every time you visit the library.
17. You get books and science kits for your birthday.
18. Your board games all have names like "Bookworm", "Scrabble", "S'math", "Game of Knowledge", and "Name The State".
19. Your home library is arranged in Dewey Decimal order.
20. Your favorite place to study is outside, under a tree.
21. You memorize math formulas and Latin root words for fun.
22. You never get nervous on the first day of school.
23. The only bully you ever run into is your big brother.
24. You are unaware of the current fads, fashions, and slang terms.
25. You have no idea what rock bands are currently popular.
26. You don't have to worry about forgetting your lunch or your schoolbooks.
27. You don't have to remember a locker combination, just your computer password.
28. There are only nine students in your class - but all of them are your brothers and sisters.
29. Your school bus is a nine-passenger van.
30. You can get extra credit for cleaning your room.
* * *

The Day

I'm gonna try to make this a quick post so I can go up and read! It was a good day, overall. The kids were anxious to begin school. I awoke waiting for my children to wake up and just lay in bed savoring the quiet and praying for a good day. I read my Bible (on my ipod) for a bit also! What a wonderful way to begin! Josiah wandered into my room first and asked if it was my birthday. He hugged me and wished me a Happy Bday. Abby woke up and was totally hugging me and I got her to attempt to sing her version of Happy birthday! She's the only one who sang to me today, aside from my mom over the phone :) Even my kids call the grandparents and sing but they didn't sing to mama :( Hannah came in with her handmade card. When Abby saw the cupcake sticker she began to blow out teh candle! So funny! Gabe wandered in and after like 5 minutes asked if it's my birthday. We all laid in bed for a tiny bit and then wandered downstairs. After breakfast we got ready for the day, did a few chores and then began our first day of school by reading the Bible and praying! The kids did pretty well in school today and it went fairly quickly. I'm sitting here wondering if we did everything we were supposed to! The first lessons always go quickly though, since they're review. Abby sat at the table coloring and playing with counting bears and wasn't any hassle at all! I didn't have too many tears or complaints. They were actually EAGER to do history! That is a FIRST in SO long. They were so tired of the history we did last year. I'm so glad I've changed it up! I am loving it also. I'm so thankful for the pretty good day we had. Zach took a half day and brought us home Taco Bell and after Hannah's softball game tonight we went to Chinese! I was totally craving it for like a week since I smelled it on an elevator at the hospital. Mmm those ragoons rocked. Even Abby loved them. Oh, when we prayed this morning I asked Abby to pray and she covered her eyes with her hands and babbled. The only word we understood were in the middle, "Da wook" translated as 'Dad work' which is what she says to me multiple times a day and first thing when she wakes in the mornings! I love that girl :) Our neighbors/friends came to Hannah's softball game tonight and that was nice! Zach got me more Willow Tree figures and a Family Feud game for the computer :) My mom sent me some money :) It was a blessed day! I wondered if it'd be hard...sometimes these celebratory days are, but it wasn't. The other night I started crying in bed thinking of how old I am! LOL Ok, goodnight everyone!

That time of year again

I have so much I could blog about. I could blog about the fun we had yesterday playing tourist in our backyard. Or I could blog about the scavenger hunt we had fun planning for the couples in our small group. Or I could blog about Abby having no appetite lately and constantly pooping her pants. Or I could blog about tomorrow...

Tomorrow I will not only be a year older (great) but I'll also be beginning another year of homeschooling.

YIKES! It is CRAZY to think I've been officially doing this for 6 YEARS!!! WOW! I should be a pro by now, right? Haha. Funny. Not even close. I'm excited for a new school year. Most of us homeschool moms are. I have new goals set for us, things I hope we accomplish. Most of us homeschool moms do. I hope that this will put us into more of a schedule after slacking off at everything so much this summer. Most homeschool moms probably fit in this category too. I'm also expecting there to be tears tomorrow. If you live on this planet and are a homeschool mom you can probably nod in affirmation. I'm expecting disappointments. Maybe a bit of anger. It's just normal to expect these things and I'd rather set myself up for it than to hope for the best and be sorely disappointed. I've done that way too many times!

We have unofficially began school though. We did a few history lessons as I just could not wait. I'm so excited to be doing American history with my kids this year, using a variety of books I bought & have been given and just kinda doing my 'own' thing with them. The internet is a great resource for ideas on projects or worksheets to go along with our lessons. We've learned all about Christopher Columbus and after we review we'll move on to John Cabot. I'm looking forward to picking up on our science again. It's been many moons since we've taken out that book. I'm looking forward to the homeschool co-op we joined that meets 3 Fridays a month. While I don't really 'know' many people in the group (just vaguely), I look forward to making some new friendships. I hope to be better at training my children in the Lord...disciplining more consistently, teaching them about God & spending time daily together with Him. I hope to begin potty training Abby and maybe even working on some 'school' with her. She's only 2 but she's so smart with her older siblings that she adores.

What are you looking forward to this new school year, whether you're a homeschool mom or one who sends your children to school? What are you hoping to learn through this year? I love learning right along with my children. I love seeing them grow and learn new things. If you think of it...say a prayer for us this week. It'll be a transition after having so many lazy days of playing, watching TV and having fun!

Bad Mom

Today I took the two younger ones to their well-child checkups. I'm not too keen on these appointments, I think they're a waste of time, but alas I did it. Alas must be my word of the day as I wrote that in my last post also. Alas (lol) I must continue. Gabe had to get 4 shots. He did not want them. He cried. He hid behind the table. I held onto him but it did no good. He cried. He screamed. I couldn't console him. I was holding him, watching his sweet face and then I almost began to cry. Poor kid. Poor mom. And here I almost started Abby's shots today...I'd really have been a mess! I want to start slow on hers so I need to look into it more and figure out where I begin. I told Gabe I'd get him a cookie or something at the store. He picked out a doughnut (a lot cheaper than a candy bar!). The older two were jealous. They were mean. On the way home everyone was still carrying on about it and Gabe retorts, "You guys were born before me so you got more stuff!" Oh man did I bust up laughing. How true is that! They've had more than him in their 'longer' lives ;) Smart guy, good logic! The older two are still talking about their lack of a 'treat'. I bought ice cream bars but they're not getting any because they can't have the right attitude. Ya snooze, ya lose. Boy, am I a mean mom today...

Happy Birthday (a day late) Abby!

I meant to get on last night to wish my 'baby' a Happy Birthday but alas it didn't happen! I hope it doesn't make me a bad mama ;) I can't believe that little Abby is TWO! Wow, when I was talking about it seeming like just yesterday when I had Gabe, it seems like it was a few hours ago that I had Abby!!! What a HUGE blessing she has been to us! This is something I wrote down the other night as I was feeling emotional looking through pictures from the day she was born:



How has it been two years have gone by? Seems like just yesterday when I glimpsed your tiny face for the first time. It has been an amazing, fun-filled two years, as we watch you learn and grow. I can't remember what it was like before you were a part of our family. You are such a treasure, such a blessing, a gift, a light. I'm so thankful, so very thankful to be chosen as your mama. I only wish time would slow down so we can watch you grow and learn in slow motion, reveling in each day, basking in your beauty. Thank you, Jesus, for this gift...not only is she her fathers joy, as her name means, but a joy to us all!

That sums it up. She brings so many smiles to my face. I love watching her grow. When you have a child amongst losses, in this case amongst three losses, I think you just appreciate them so much more!

For her birthday she opened a gift in the morning- a new car for her dollhouse and a new Mommy & toddler! We got ready for the day and I packed a picnic and we took a walk, me taking pictures of the kids along the way. We played at the park for awhile, at our picnic, took more pictures and walked back home. I put Abby for a nap and she fell asleep right away- what a tired little gal! After her nap we played outside for awhile. We ate frozen pizza for dinner- Abby had two pieces! She loves her pizza!!! Then we went to watch Hannah play softball! She scored one of three hits for her team and we were so proud of her! Afterwards we came home and Abby opened more presents, one of which is her new pony. Then we sang Happy Birthday and had cake. It was bath time and then she wasn't ready for bed, the stinker. She played a bit and then fell asleep on daddy on the rocking chair! I think she had a fun day! I know I did as I tried to make it special for her :)

I just wanna have some...

Searching

Today I finally had my appointment with the perinatologist (a maternal fetal medicine specialist or high risk OB). I had no idea what I was going to be walking into, other than that I knew I was going to be meeting with the doctor and I thought it was an hour long. I met this doctor 2 years and I day ago as she's the one who performed my amnio with Abby. I thought she was wonderful and gentle back then...today just proved that point even further. Wow. I was just amazed at the time she took to sit and talk, to pour over my history, my records, to ask questions and to agree with me that there must be some sort of medical thing that is causing me to lose babies in the second trimester. She's the first doctor to not say, "Well, these things happen." I've just felt so strongly since Nathaniel's death that there has got to be a reason why my body cannot carry all my babies past a certain point. And I also wonder how I was able to carry Abby to 36 weeks (opting to have her that early) after losing the two babies before her. I KNOW that God is the giver of life and He's the one who controls our womb. BUT I also feel like we have modern medicine and we can take advantage of that. I even told the doctor (after she explained that she can not 'work magic') that we know God has a plan but we're still wanting some answers.

Anyway, she seemed so knowledgeable and more importantly she had a plan in place for me! (And come to find out this appointment was called 'pre-concept counseling). When I made the appointment I was in no place to THINK about getting pregnant, I just wanted some answers. Now I'm a little more open to it and I suspect that by the time I get some sort of results in a month or more I'll be even more open to it.

Well, back to her 'plan'. They're testing my thyroid and doing some other blood tests. One is called Antiphospholipid Antibodies. If I do have this I'd have to take baby aspirin every day and give myself two injections a day (when pregnant) of heparin or something like it (blood thinners). Scary stuff. But amazing that there are things like that out there. If I don't have that she'll continue to dig for answers. I'm just amazed and thankful that there are doctors out there willing to work to try to help women like me find some answers.

~6 YEARS~

It is so hard to believe that six years ago today I gave birth to Gabriel. How does speed by like this? I remember that day like it was last week. Contracting. Calling my friend Sheri to come stay with the kids. Wimping it on the way to the hospital, declaring I would definitely be getting an epidural. The tiny 'closet' I had to birth in. The many 'students' in there during delivery. Waiting forever for my real room so I could go and show Hannah and Josiah their new brother. How has that been 6 years? I remember when we left the hospital driving the 'long' way home and just about tearing up. How on earth would I care for three children??? Was I capable of that! What were these people thinking letting me take this baby home?

I'm so thankful the Lord blessed us with Gabe. What a wonderful, delightful little stinker he has been! He's our first baby we co-slept with! He's so funny the things he comes up with! Even today when I was asking him about being six he said, "I feel taller." Then he looked at his sandal on his foot and exclaimed, "WOW! This fits me better!" Where do they come up with this stuff??? On the way home from the store I was talking about old people and driving nad how many of them probably shouldn't be driving because they may be blind (not able to see well) He pipes up, "Well when I'm old if I'm blind I'm gonna ask Jesus to help me to see!"

He opened his gifts this morning and has been busy building since. He got to play Wii, watch TV, eat pigs in a blanket for lunch. He requests Ihop for dinner. He picked out the cake mix and frosting and is looking forward to digging into his cake!

Gabriel is very creative with building things with his Lego's and Bionicles. He draws really well and will often be found at the table making new pictures. He loves to watch TV and play Wii. He loves to find songs on the radio and will often run downstairs telling us some tidbit he heard! He loves to play with the dog and get her all hyper. He also doesn't mind her continuously licking him (yuck). He loves to eat and is always asking for snacks or declaring he's hungry. He's excited to be 6 and I think he's excited to begin a new year of school! I'm so thankful for my little guy!!!

Are you a feminist?

I discovered, or rather rediscovered, a site that has so many encouraging articles...I could be there for hours! It's linked on my sidebar and it's called Ladies Against Feminism. I'm currently reading a book called Passionate Housewives Desperate for God (LAF is one of the authors' sites) and it is so wonderful and filled with so much truth- very eye opening indeed. It is so difficult in our day and age to be grounded in the truth concerning our roles as women. This book totally hits the nail on the head- how encouraging! It just solidifies for me that I'm doing what God has called me to do!

Here's a snippet from it:

true life is found in death; true happiness is found in sacrifice; true peace is found in giving away our comforts and security.

There is so much more truth and encouragement filled in this book! This was just one of the last things I read that stuck out to me. And it is so opposite what our world teaches us. They teach us to look out for ourselves, to find happiness within ourselves, and it doesn't tell us anything about giving away our comforts!!! How I need to die to myself, to sacrifice my wants for the things God has called me to do for my family and to continually put aside my comforts & security- then will I find life, happiness and peace!