Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Where is MY joy???

Have you ever just been so mad? Not mad at this or at that, but at yourself.

I feel like I will never get it right. You know, the whole parenting thing. I am so sick and tired of fighting children. I'm sick of whining. I'm tired of disobedience. I'm tired of repeating myself a trillion times before my voice is heard.

And I know that the fighting, whining and disobedience is a result of MY parenting, or lack of. And it makes me mad. WHEN will I get this whole thing right so that we can all be happy? I mean when you obey (even as a parent/adult) you're much happier. Things seem brighter. But today I don't see the brightness. And therefore I'm not obeying my Heavenly Father, right?

And it makes me so angry. Last night we had a great night of Bible Study about mothering. About being guardians of our homes and joyful mothers. Where is my joy? Why do I allow Satan to suck it out of me? How do I get it back? Sure, I feel like I beg and pray and yearn for joy in mothering but I feel like I'm not getting very far.

Today I said forget it. No school. I am not going to do school when all you do is fight or you don't listen to me. So, we've eaten our lunch and here I am while the kiddos watch a video from the library. Some mothering, sitting them in front of the TV (but I really don't care right now). But before that they were running around like wild animals while I was finishing cleaning the kitchen. I'm trying to discipline the first time (like I know I should always do) which is part of why we're not doing school. It is so hard being consistent. If I'm in the middle of reading something very important to a child am I really supposed to get my fat butt up to discipline my child for climbing on the table the 5th time in a minute? Of course I am but sometimes I don't want to! I'm so lazy. And I need the training. We really need to train ourselves before we can train our children. It is SO hard.

And I know tomorrow or next week might be a great day or week. Sometimes we just have these moments of wanting to scream, 'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH'. And now is one of them. So I thought I'd tell you all about it. I just hope I don't get flamed for being so honest again. And if I do, well...so be it.

Ok, now that I've vented I think its time to spend time in His Word. What better way to seek wisdom, peace and patience!


Erika said...

Hi Jamie, It sounds like the enemy knew just where to get at you today, especially since you had that study last night. I don't think you need to beat yourself up for your children's disobedience. They are children like any other (including mine!) born with a sinful nature and it is to be expected. But that doesn't make it any easier does it? lol I sometimes feel like an immature child trying to raise god-fearing children and that is so overwhelming of a responsibility. Thank God that He is always there for me and not letting me stay immature and will give us the grace as a family to grow together. I pray you will find that peace and wisdom as you spend time in His Word.

Amie said...

I sure hope tomorrow is better.

Remember, nobody is a perfect parent and if you expect that of yourself you will rob yourself of joy a lot of the time.

Anna said...

You are not alone Jamie. You sound just like I did yesterday, it was just one of those horribly awful days...
Don't forget kids will be kids, and sooner than we know it our tiny little children will be grown...:)

Beth said...

Were you at my house today??

I tell you, I cry at least once a day because I am so frustrated. Frustrated at the kids, but more, frustrated at me. I've been a parent a long time, I should be doing better at this. Add in the fact that I'm pregnant and tired all the time and it's not pretty!

I wish I could tell you exactly what to do to be able to get what you're looking for. I can tell you that I so wish I had done more character training when my kids were the ages of your kids. I wish I had put school on the back burner while we worked on what is really important- first time joyful obedience, and character training. Don't beat yourself up for interrupting school to discipline- discipline is far more important. If you train diligently now, your children will learn by leaps and bounds when they are older and when it really counts.

Hang in there- not all days are like this one. Smile at your children- especially when you don't feel like it.


Risa said...

I could probably quot most of your post today for mine - although we did get most of our school work done amid tears and fits thrown by Luke because we are more behind than I want to be! I can second that you are not alone! :) Things have to get better - right?

My favorite thing to say lately is, "If you would just do as you were told the first time than life would be so much easier for BOTH of us!"

Why is it so difficult for them to understand? :)

Aduladi' said...

I have to "ditto" all of the previous posts. I have days I am actually ashamed to be a parent. We all have them and more than we want to, but the Lord knows what is in your heart and the fact that you love and adore your sin-riddled kids (as they ALL are, especially mine), LOL!

Hang in there, my friend and turn to your Father! Just know that even though it may not have been your best day, we are all having duplicate ones and you are not alone!