Randoms

Abby is so funny. She's playing with her dollhouse and was saying, "Ma, ma, ma" trying to get my attention. I say a word that I think she's trying to say until I finally look- she had the man on the potty and she was saying, "Poo!" She's such a goofy kid!

When I was putting her for a nap she happened to pull my shirt wide open, trying to peer down it! Hmm, maybe she's seen her daddy try that trick too many times? ;)

We're trying to figure out what to do with our we're going to do with our weekend. I totally don't want to go out of town but at the same time I'm afraid if we stick at home Zach will get called to work to deal with the 'issue'. It is all so ridiculous. Last night I completely flipped out about it- full blown tears, just so angry! I feel like because of the stress of work I can't deal with grieving Nathaniel. WHY should MY husband have to 'support' some other woman? She got herself into her own mess...ohhh it is such a nightmare! And of course, I'm hormonal, grieving, post-partum so everything to me is just magnified right now. I remember after Malachi too, things would just easily upset me. Today I got a statement in the mail from anesthesia and it really, really hit home- especially when I saw the terms vag. delivery & D&C. I just want to cry out, "IT'S NOT FAIRRRRRR!!!!!!" To which I hear a little voice nag, "Life isn't fair, Jamie."

Today marks 4 weeks. 4 long, miserable weeks. When I wonder where June went I cringe. What a horrible month and yet I didn't' want it to be over. That means...I don't know what it means. More time has passed since I was pregnant, more time has passed since I held my baby, time is creeping closer to my due date, I think about how my belly 'would' be right now...it just hurts. Will the pain go away? Will it ease? I was talking to my friend yesterday. Her little brother died almost a year ago (he was 17). I remember that day so well. I cried, I grieved and I barely knew her brother, yet I felt like I knew him through her. She was talking about her mom and how her mom was doing well with the grief but now it's starting to surface again...I imagine since it's coming close to the year mark. While other's go on, us mother's, we mark each little date about our lost children and grieve, almost silently, for them. My friend wrote a wonderful poem.

Today there was a loss A silent loss One of hundreds of thousands felt all over the world...If you looked at me you would not be able to tell But none the less I feel the emptiness What millions hope, dream and pay money for I morn bitterly Today there was a loss A silent loss Life goes on, try again, it was never really there These sayings ring through the air As if these people really even care Easy to say You did not just lose a piece of yourself Today there was a loss A silent loss Force yourself to smile As the people walk by or call or stand there talking about themselves They will never know Say something and you are looking for sympathy Stay silent and die inside alone God knows...Today there was a loss A silent loss You are never alone Your loss is not your own We are a silent army who are plagued with the badge Those who carry for awhile But miss it so bad.

By Carrie Farris

In other news, my boys have been sooooo hyper! It is really driving me crazy. And I'm always at the end of my rope and just 'lose it' so easily these days. I feel so bad and yet I feel like I can't stop myself, if that makes sense. Good thing its a long weekend!