Party time

We had a surprise promotion party for Zach today! I'm not sure he's ever had a luncheon or anything before! Most people from his work aren't here as they're at training, its just Zach & the commander and then the secretary, Carla. Carla and CO's wife made all the food and it was our family, the commander's family and Carla & her husband. They gave me flowers and even gave the kids a bag with a bunch of toys! They had delicious food and cake and did a little ceremony. We even got to punch Zach's stripes on him! That, too, was a first! It was really a special time, especially in light of all the other stuff going on at work! The commander is new here and his wife seems really nice- they seem real down to earth. Zach was real surprised- he had no clue at all! It sure was fun keeping it a secret the past two days! To think that in a few short hours he'll be a Master Sergeant! I know he's really excited to wear that extra stripe!

Oh and I had fun talking to the boys about it this morning and showing them the difference between a Tech Sgt stripe and Master Sgt stripe! Fun stuff :) I'm proud of you, Zach! Not many people make it to Master and those that do don't normally hit it at 11 1/2 years! You ROCK!!!

A Par-tay

I'm having a party and you're all invited! I know some of you live away and maybe you saw me post about it on facebook. Check out www.mythirtyone.com/18830. Even if you don't want to order anything just check out their products- they are SO cute! Purses, handbags, bags! My mom and I went to a party when she was here and I fell in love with it all, but held myself back and only ordered one thing (which is on back order, boo). A week later I couldn't stop thinking about the stuff, "Oohh I wish I had that bag to use for this" so I decided heck, I'll just have a party! Normally the only types of parties I do are Pampered Chef once a year :) And I know a few of you crafty ones could make these types of things yourselves...I'm just not crafty :) Enjoy looking!

Breakdown

I just think sometime I'm going to have a mental breakdown. Or a heart attack or something. The stress at Zach's job...it is really getting to me. I cannot share details, probably, though I'd like to spill all. I was 'fine' today until more work stuff. Pretty much, why should Zach (and the commander who has a wife and kids of his own) have to care for another woman??? I don't care the predicament you're in, it actually makes me livid (single and pregnant). It's not right. We need to be dealing with our 'issues' right now not hers...really it is making me lose my mind (and tongue).

Desperate

Zach shared this song with me last night. Wow, it couldn't explain my feelings any more!!! You can listen to it here, but here are the lyrics:

Desperate by Fireflight

Seek and you will find, they say

but I've been looking everyday

for a way past this wall that's in front of my face.

I'm on hands and knees searching for my faith.

I know there's so much at stake

but I don't know if I can take one more pat on the back saying I'll be okay.

Can't you see me whole life is in disarray?

You've got me desperate.

I know You hear me,

Would You give me a sign?

Reel me in before I've fallen in line.

You've put me on a path I don't understand

I'm standing on a ledge waving my hands.

You've got me desperate (do You see me?)

Desperate (do You hear me?)

Desperate (will You help me?)

You've got me desperate.

I know You're my only hope

The only One who truly knows how it feels,

what it's like when it all starts to fall

You're the One I can trust who hears when I call.

You've got me desperate.

I know You hear me,

Would You give me a sign?

Reel me in before I've fallen in line.

You've put me on a path I don't understand

I'm standing on a ledge waving my hands.

You've got me desperate (do You see me?)

Desperate (do You hear me?)

Desperate (will You help me?)

You've got me desperate.

Some things I'll never figure out

Until I let hope erase my doubt.

You've got me desperate.

I know You hear me,

Would You give me a sign?

Reel me in before I've fallen in line.

You've put me on a path I don't understand,

I'm standing on a ledge waving my hands.

You've got me desperate (do You see me?)

Desperate (do You hear me?)

Desperate (will You help me?)

You've got me desperate.

You've got me desperate. (Oh do You see me?)

Desperate (do You hear me?)

Desperate (will You help me?)

You've got me desperate!

Some LIGHT in this storm!

• I heard from the funeral home in MI today. The people in MS got our paperwork to move Malachi and they'll do that tomorrow!! Wow! I was hoping it wouldn't take long! We thought it may costs thousands of dollars and were prepared to just dish it out. Well, they're going to mail him from MS to MI and with the shipping and the prep that the MS funeral home has to do it will only cost $150!!! Praise the Lord!!!
• In THREE days Zach sews on his stripe for Master Sergeant! Many people retire as Tech Sergeants and here he is, 11 1/2 years in the Air Force and a Master! I can't tell you how proud of him I am! He's worked so hard and that hard work is paying off! Again, God is good!
• Another bonus to that is a pay raise :) We were just talking the other day about how certain jobs make so much money (like selling a house) and yet our soldiers & US military make diddly- so little that we qualify for WIC! Crazy! But we're so thankful for every bit we get, we're thankful for the awesome health coverage (so far) and the job stability!
• I had a good morning out with friends. We took our kids to the splash park and then ate lunch at Ihop (after all, kids eat free on Mondays)! Us three moms walked in with our 9 kids and the guy asked if we're a daycare! It was too funny! I wanted to pipe in that we were actually missing quite a few with Hannah gone, my three heavenly babies and my friend's heavenly one! Plus there was one in a womb!
• It seems that maybe now we're going to turn a new leaf and have some good workers at Zach's job. More details on that to come another day...

Holdin' On

I sit and I think of what ‘should have’ been. I wish I could rewind time, to go back to that dreadful day of our ultrasound and change the facts. I picture that day like it happened today. I wish the ultrasound tech would have turned to us with a big smile on her face and announced, “Well, it’s a healthy little boy!” Instead, it was silence. I just want to go back, to rewind to the day my baby died, somewhere around 14 weeks. Can’t God just save him? I want him! I’m so empty, so very empty. The pain inside of me is so deep, the emptiness unbearable. I think, “I ‘should’ be 20 something weeks” and I try not to think of how I’d feel our little son kicking. I cannot even rest my hands upon my stomach for that pain, emptiness rips at my heart. I know there’s a reason. I know God has a plan but I still question, “Why?” I often wonder if I did something wrong, ate something bad or just plain didn’t eat right at all. Yet I know that it would have happened regardless of what I ate or didn’t eat, because it was all in His plan. But again I ask, “Why?” I can’t seem to get past the whys or the emptiness or the pain of it all. I lie in bed looking at Abby and thinking how I’ll never get that with Nathaniel. I want to shout, “IT’S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Sometimes I want to shout to the world how unfair it all is. They’re living life, going about the day to day, while I’m hurting and missing my son and my pregnant belly. To those who don’t even know I sometimes want to say, “Do you know my baby died and I’m hurting? Can you help me?” Even now, with my house full with my children I sit and think how it ‘should’ be fuller. We ‘should’ have two other children running around and I ‘should’ be waddling around in anticipation of our new one. And yet here I am. Stuck. Stuck in my pain, held in my emptiness. I know God is here, right here, holding on to me and carrying me and yet I just don’t want to give Him the pain, I don’t want to accept the fact that this is really happening. Because then what? People will say to ‘move on.’ I will never ‘move on.’ Sure, I’ll slowly move forward at some point, but for now…I am here in this spot.

Thoughtfulness

Today we went to a BBQ our church had. It was so hot, so we only stayed for a little while. Plus, we don't know many people so that's always a bit weird too. Anyway, we ran into the funeral director, Brent. He walked up to me and asked how we were doing, even telling me he tried to call this week to see how we are. When I told my mom she said he'd even called her phone to see how she is. I just have to say how thoughtful that is! I mean, he's not a friend, he's done his 'job' and could easily just move on, doing his job. But, he's allowing God to use him- it's awesome to see too because he's a new Christian. I'm just so touched by people's kindness.

Also, I think I forgot to mention that when I was getting my pedicure done my doctor called me. All the tests they ran on me, the chromosome test they ran on Nathaniel and the tests they ran on the placenta came back normal. So once again we have no 'answer' as to why this happened. I didn't think it would 'bother' me but it kind of does. I mean, if I had an 'answer' like "You have a blood clotting disorder" or something then I'd know how to 'fix' it. In this case I have nothing. Just my little string of faith in God. And that's better than anything else, I know, but sometimes it's just hard to go on! The doctor was so kind also, to ask how I'm doing. It was hard because here I am getting a pedicure and I just wanted to cry! I was honest, saying I'm doing ok. I see her in like a week and a half so I guess she's going to go over the tests with me and all. Just one more person doing their job and showing kindness. She didn't have to call me after 6 pm!

hehe

Ok, my next post will be the 1500th. Wow! Wonder if I should somehow make it special? Anyway, THIS post is to say I have a new tracking thing on the side of my blog, so now I can see who visits when and where those people are from. So now I know when YOU come to my blog, read and don't leave me a comment :) C'mon I like my comments to know people are actually reading :) Am I sneaky or what? hehehe

**Editor's note: I went through and deleted all drafts and I'm only at like 1470 posts so I have a way to 1500...a little way :)

More of my thoughts

I'm reading this fiction book I picked up from a garage sale. It's pretty good, but also a bit trashy in a few spots. Anyway, all these women in the book are having babies and surprisingly that doesn't bother me. One of the ladies babies died when he was 10 weeks old and so it also shares her story in that (I had NO idea about that when I picked up the book). Anyway, so Lia is hanging out with these three other women, all first time mothers. At one point she's asked if it bothers her (with the babies there) and she hit the nail on the head by saying something like, "It's not my friend's babies that bother me but sometimes a strangers." Wow! How true that is! It's not my friends babies or pregnant bellies that bother me but sometimes I see a stranger who is pregnant and my blood almost boils! When I took the kids to the library days ago so many women there were pregnant. I just wanted to scream out, "I should be in your group too!!!" At this point seeing babies doesn't make me mad, just sad for what I'm not going to have.

The other night when I got my pedicure with my friend/neighbor it was so good to just talk. She doesn't have children. She's been married 4 years and hasn't been able to get pregnant yet. I know some of you can relate. It was almost like she could understand my pain, although hers is a different kind of loss. Just saddens me that those of us who want to be mothers sometimes can't be and those who shouldn't be mothers are having babies!

Day

So as I was bringing the dog to the vet and groomer today I turned on the radio. The song that was on is one of my favorites, but it's hard to listen to it these days. The song is Blessed Be Your Name by Matt Redman. If you don't know it you can check out the lyrics here or even listen to it here. The part that really gets me these days is "You give and take away..." Anyway, so that song was on, the end of it and then it ended. But all of a sudden I just totally got so sad I could've bawled right there driving by Wal-Mart! I'm telling you this so you know that's it is just random things that trigger a 'memory' or trigger the emotions. I was also thinking how the last time I took Daisy to Petsmart I was still pregnant. It's like it just floods your mind sometimes. You don't even try to think about it, it just pops into your head. Those of you who have been here, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.

Also, we only needed to get 2 cemetery plots. The babies will be buried in one spot together and then when I die I'll be buried with them (I guess normally they are 'with' their mother). So that was cool and saves us $200! Thank you VERY much Mom for doing all this legwork for us!!! What a great help she is! She went today and picked out the plots. I'm sure that wasn't easy for her. Like, "Hmmm, where do I want my daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren buried?" I couldn't imagine.

So that's the 'day'. This evening, providing Zach gets home on time (another post is needed for THAT) I'm going to go and get a pedicure with my neighbor! I haven't had one in over 2 years (I don't think I've had one since before we moved here) and I'm really looking forward to it, especially after how stressful this week has been!

Children

I know I blog about me, me, me. It is my blog after all :) And lately a lot of it has been about me, as opposed to sharing about my kiddos. Well, today I'm going to share a bit about them. You know, it's not just Zach and I 'suffering' from losing a child. Our children also lose out on having a baby brother. Just one less playmate. One less seat at the table filled.

The other day I went out to lunch with the "Air Force wives." There was a 7 month old baby there. Abby loves, loves, loves babies! Just the other day I caught her holding her baby against her, patting her back and saying, "Shhhh." Priceless. So at lunch the other day Abby sat by baby A for awhile. And it was so cute to watch her smile at the baby! When I held little A for awhile Abby just loved it. And I began to cry. To think that she has to miss out on having a little brother. She adores babies so much and she would've loved mama to have a baby!

Then there's Gabe. I remember two different times when we'd gotten together with some friends. Little F is just a little younger than Abby. F was climbing up and down the stairs and doing just fine and her mother was not concerned in the least, but Gabe was right there behind her, making sure she didn't fall! What a big heart! At lunch the other day Gabe started to play with baby A, getting her to laugh. He totally enjoyed it and I loved seeing the smile on his face, yet it also saddened me a bit. Gabe loves babies. He's so good with them. And he too is missing out on the chance to entertain and love on his baby brother.

Same with Josiah and Hannah. I know some boys just don't care about babies, it's just not so much a 'boy' thing. But boy, my boys just love babies! If a baby sits in front of us in church their attention will be on that baby and they'll just get smiles on their faces to see those babies. I know how excited they were to have another baby in the house and now that's no longer going to happen. It just stinks to think how they too miss out on the joys of a baby.

Hannah is much older now than when Abby was born. She's such a huge help with Abby. But for her to be able to learn to care for a newborn- what better way to learn to be a mama than to help with your siblings! And now she too is missing out on learning more. It just devastates me. It's one thing to know that Zach and I miss out on the baby and grieve for him, but to know that my children also lose out on it...it just crushes the heart.

Today is 3 weeks since I delivered Nathaniel. Where has that time gone? Will it get easier? More and more trials keep popping up that it seems it ll never get better and yet I have a tiny thread of hope, just a fraying string, that yes at some point things will indeed get better.

Things you wish you didn't have to think about

Well, on one note I "must" be getting better for I picked up a (normal) book again. By normal I mean one that is fiction, one that is not about babies dying.

Anyway, I'm getting off track. So, I can't really remember if I told you all or not that we're going to have Malachi moved up to be buried in Michigan also. We meant to do it years ago, but moved and needed that money for the move so it never did get done (for those of you who are 'new' here Malachi is buried in Mississippi, which is where we lived before we moved to Iowa). Well we decided since we're having Nathaniel buried up there we may as well have Malachi as well. Boy, just for a cemetery plot is is $200!!! It would be $100 if we were "residents of the village of B" but since we don't reside in B we have to pay the higher price. Too bad, but none of our parents are 'in' the village either. Zach's to the point where he doesn't care the cost of it all, let's just do it and get it over with. I hope its not some drawn out process....I just want them buried too! We're getting three plots- one for the babies to share and one for Zach & I. He wanted to get 5 or something but I said we don't need that many because I'm not counting on our living children dying! Of course we never do know...

It's stuff like this you just don't think about. It stinks to have to deal with it and think about it. Good thing the funeral homes are so helpful or I'd really be a mess! And at least both Zach and I will have 'plots' now, although we also did down at the National Cemetery in Biloxi. Let's hope neither of us has to use them for awhile!

The Land of the "Almost" Forgotten

I almost hesitate to post what's on my mind. I hate that! Yet it is my desire to be honest, not just for you readers, but for myself! This is my 'journal'. So, my mind is what you'll see (I know, I know, scary though)! Gosh, I must be feeling 'ok' to joke :)

Anyway, I've just been thinking lately. There are a few things that weigh heavier on my mind, and of course they have to do with losing Nathaniel. One of them is...feeling forgotten. Maybe it's the books I read that also triggered this thought, I don't know. Anyway, just hear me out (or read).

When we first found out Nathaniel died and shared the news WOW we had such an outrageous response! The love, prayers, notes, tears, etc was just AMAZING! It got us through that time, in addition to GOD of course. That first week home was still amazing. We received meals, cards, phone calls, flowers, prayers. I know I still haven't been good about returning some of those calls, but just the voicemail left meant the world to me. People knew we were hurting. They were hurting too. They were praying for us and letting us know. It was awesome.

Tomorrow will be 3 weeks since we got the news about Nathaniel. Sometimes I just want to cry out, "STOP!!! Life can't go on!!! I don't want to live another day without my baby!" No, not a suicidal thought, simply a thought that I just want to remember the time I carried him, the time he was here with me, inside of me, even if he wasn't growing anymore. Yet, it's been 3 weeks. People have lives to lead, vacations to take, books to read, kids to raise. I know that. I'm 'cool' with that. I'm sure some people think, "C'mon girl, it's been 3 weeks....get over it!" Honestly, I don't care what people think. I want to grieve my son, the boy I never got to know.

My point is....people move on and yet I'm 'stuck'. Because I don't want to 'move on' right now. I just finished a book about losing your child, the one you never knew (thanks, Jamie) and it talked about giving it all to God. What if I don't want to right now? Honestly. I KNOW He is here. I KNOW He is holding me (and better yet, He is holding my son in His heavenly arms). But I want to remember. I want to mourn. I want to grieve. And yet I feel 'forgotten'.

The phone calls have dwindled, the messages have pretty much ceased, the notes saying 'We're praying' have no longer been penned. And that is OK. I need to learn to lean on God during this time. But it also makes me sad. I don't want people to forget. Not just my sweet boy and all that he meant to our family, but I don't want them to forget 'me' right now. Because I am only 'ok' and sometimes I'm not even that. Sometimes I'm a little better than that.

This isn't a post to you so you can start feeling bad or chastise me or whatever. It is simply my heart. And I do have a few of my friends who have been WONDERFUL through it all and I thank you. And I do have my Lord to lean on and that's what I need to do. So please, if nothing else pray that I will slowly begin to do so, to lean on His everlasting arms, that I'll begin to give my hurts and pain over to Him.

I love you all!

**It's also not a post 'begging' anybody to do the things mentioned above. Simply my heart being poured out...

THREE!!

Three posts in one day! Guess it takes a tragedy to get me to start blogging again! I just feel like such a loser today. I'm glad Zach doesn't want to do much because seriously I just can't get into it. I just feel real down in the dumps today, like I could just have a good cry. So hon, I'm sorry if I'm not the best wife today. I do love you and wish this Father's Day could be different...June 3 changed so many things.

Girl's Night

Last night my friend, Sadie, and I went out. It's surprising considering we were so indecisive about what to do :) We finally decided to drive out to Jordan Creek in West Des Moines since neither of us have been there too often. We figure they'd have different eating venues and we could walk around the mall. We ate at Champps, which was pretty good (they had waffle fries-yummy). It was something I felt like I really needed, just some girl time. Sure, I just had my mom here and we did get to go out alone sometimes, but I just really craved my 'girl time'.

We walked around the mall, browsing through some stores. We'd hit stores like Gymboree, The Children's Place and Crazy 8 and look at all their deals, but then be like, "Boy, there's nothing our kids need right now." Plus, who can justify spending X amount of dollars on something when its garage sale season? We did go to Bath & Body Works and I just have to tell you how proud I am of myself! I spent only $3!!!! That's the least I've ever spent there! I'm so proud I didn't go overboard but only got little things, only one of which was 'needed'!

After we browsed the mall we got ice cream from Coldstone. Well, Sadie went healthy on me and got a smoothie! I got chocolate ice cream with Oreos AND hot fudge! I wanted chocolate! I couldn't even finish it though, it was so sweet. We had such a good time just enjoying our cold treats and talking. Sharing stories, sharing bits of our past, talking about kids, sharing laughs and a couple of tears. That's what friendships are all about. I'm so thankful for the friend's God has given me.

Celebrations?

It is so hard to celebrate little things when you're dealing with grief. It is Father's Day. I'm very thankful to my own father, who adopted me many, many years ago, although I'd always been 'his'. I'm thankful for the father of my children- he loves them so much, is leading us in the Lord and is such a playful and fun daddy!

But it's hard to celebrate these days when you think of the others that should be here. To think of the ruckus it could be with 2 other children running around and another in my womb! To think of the delight as our table was filled full of children making Father's Day cards of their own accord this morning, not just of two little boys writing 'Happy Dad's Day' and a little girl eating her oatmeal. Shouldn't it be full with a 3 and 2 year old, happily scribbling out cards for daddy? And what about our oldest daughter, off to Michigan, getting to celebrate the day with her Papa? What about the other little baby, the one who should be kicking and squirming in my womb, little Nathaniel? Shouldn't he be here, giving his daddy kicks as we lie in bed tonight?

Someday. Someday. That is the hope I have. Someday we will all be together and what a glorious day that will be! Not only will we be reunited with our children, but with our Savior, Jesus! On that day I will be able to sing the sweet praises I wasn't able to sing this morning. I tried but with every word more tears threatened to spill over, so I silently stood listening to the congregation. One day again, one day soon, I will again sing those songs to my Savior. Now I just listen to the words, bask in them, knowing He loves me.

Happy Father's Day to you Daddies! Remember to raise your children in God's ways!

~~SWEET~~

Things we shouldn't have to plan...

Now that my mom is back in Michigan and took Nathaniel's body we need to think about burial stuff. We thought the M's had a plot at the cemetery in Michigan where we'd like both of our boys (eventually) to be buried, but I guess they really don't. So, Zach called the funeral home up in Michigan and we tried to figure out some things, things we really *shouldn't* even have to think about.

First, we decided we're finally going to move Malachi up to Michigan. We keep talking about it but haven't done anything about it, mostly because of the financial aspect. At this point we're thinking we can have both boys buried in the same spot, and rather than paying for them to dig twice, we may as well just do it all now. That way they'll 'be together' (although we know they're really in heaven). And we can have all this part of it all eventually behind us, and we'll be able to visit both boys' graves when we go home.

So, we'll probably end up getting three cemetery plots up there, one for the babies and one for Zach and I. I figure (hopefully) we won't need any for the kids! By the time they grow up and have their own families who knows where they'd wanna be! This kind of thing must have been easier in the olden days, when families all lived near one another and buried their loved ones on the land. They were all near each other and they probably didn't have to "plan" how many plots to get. It's not like we all sit down and plan this sort of thing out, ya know?

On a bit of a brighter note we went to the park today and had a picnic. The kiddos had a blast. It was really neat because a bluebird flew up real near us. I didn't see it right away but Zach pointed it out. Immediately I thought of Nathaniel. It was little things like that that made me think of Malachi also. Almost like God sends His creatures as a reminder of our loved ones with Him, if that makes sense. I remember last week when we'd taken a walk along the trial to the park there was a butterfly. I have never seen a butterfly the colors of it before- it was black with this cool green color- so beautiful! Immediately then too I thought of Nathaniel. I love the little 'reminders'. Not reminders of him, I could never forget him, but just reminders of God's goodness.

I'm slowly coming around to all that God & goodness stuff!

Morning/Mourning

This morning the gang was up early. Right away I could hear my boys telling Hannah goodbye, as if she was leaving that very moment. All morning long that's all they would say. I awoke too tired as it was just after 7, I think, and I have been going to bed so late (that's the only way I 'cope' at night). So I was rather cranky in my head, then to think that Hannah AND my mom were leaving. What a heavy heart I woke up with, to my already heavy heart! When it was time for them to leave Hannah came and sat on my lap and I just held her and cried, telling her how much I'll miss her. She got a bit teary too. I got up and hugged my mom goodbye and cried even more. Then we went outside to see them off and the boys and Abby started to wave goodbye and I just stood there, with Abby in my arms, sobbing. I was sobbing loudly too! Gabe even said that my crying was going to make him cry! Sweet boy! It was so hard to see my mom go and to let Hannah go. I wanted to cry out, "Don't leave!!!! I need you here with me!" But alas they are gone and I've cried off and on. We've talked on the phone a few times. My stepdad just called me to see if Hannah is really on the way there and I began to cry again. It is so weird here without her!

After they left I just turned on the TV for the kids and just spaced out. My mom then called to say she was on the road (she had to stop at the funeral home to pick up Nathaniel as he'll be buried in MI). I was talking to her and all of a sudden the tornado sirens started to go off! The boys began to freak out, I frantically told my mom what was going on and tried to get us all int he basement! The dog freaked out and wouldn't come downstairs so I had to lock her up and have Josiah carry her down. I was a bit freaked out, but trying not to show it because the boys were scared enough. We huddled under the basement steps, Abby playing with a teddy bear and the boys and I talking. I'd come up once in awhile to check on things. The sky looked wicked crazy for awhile and it was so eerie because it was just so calm- no rain, no wind, nothing. But I'd heard we were supposed to get crazy winds. The sirens would keep going off and freak the boys even more! Thankfully we got some gusts, but nothing serious. It did begin raining, thundering and lightning but it wasn't that horrible. Finally I decided it was safe to come back upstairs and at that point my friend texted me to tell me the severe thunderstorm warning was over. Phew! What a relief! It was such an eventful morning that when Zach got home at 12:30 I took Abby upstairs and napped with her! Too many emotions for such a short time span!

Mommies with Hope

I came home with such a heavy heart. To hear the story of each woman, to understand the grief they've gone through. Wow. And to know that they made it through! To see the faith they have! God is amazing.

A gal, A, picked me up. We go to the same church, are now facebook friends, but hadn't met until she picked me up. She hit a few garage sales on the way (my type of friend lol) and locked her keys in her car at one! We waited for her hubby to come and it seemed like no time at all. Amazing how grief can unite people. And its a good thing she picked me up early- we weren't even late!

What an 'amazing' time. Each woman shared her story. There were tears. Some happened years ago, some more recent. Some were 'miscarriages' and others were born and died shortly after birth due to this or that, but each was a BABY. One lady gave her child up for adoption over 20 years ago and is grieving in her own way. There were 7 women there and between us we have 12 babies in heaven. Two women lost twins. Just so very sad. It was so nice to talk to people and have them sitting there shaking their heads in complete understanding. It was awesome to see the faith, to hear how God will get us through. Of course I know that, but lately I haven't really cared about that. It's not like I would ever turn my back on God, I NEVER would and I see His Hand everywhere through this pain, but sometimes I just don't want to 'give it to Him'. Sometimes I don't want to see His Hand. Sometimes I don't want His comfort. I just want to question, to sit in my grief and not seek His comfort. Does that make sense?

It was also very sweet....there were these beautiful flowers on the table and apparently they were for me. How SWEET!!! Thank you, T!

I feel like I can't even fully describe the meeting to you. It is amazing there is something like this- a faith based ministry for women grieving their babies.

Ok, my mind is blank now. It's been a crazy morning (for another post) and I need to get my kiddos lunch.

Bloggy look

So I like my new background. It's not as perky and I like the one heart in the clouds deal. But how can I liven it up? Anyone know if I can do something cute with my header? Or change my font? I know I did it all once before, but that was awhile ago!

I can't see clearly through the fog

I was sitting here trying to come up with a positive upbeat post, but really I have no idea what to post. I even lack what I should put on facebook now. It's not like 'good' things aren't happening around here, but they're just clouded by the grief. Last night we had a BBQ with our Bible study group at the 'lake'. It was fun, but really I know I would've had a whole lot MORE fun if I weren't grieving. I feel like sure, I can have a good time, but really I'm not having as good a time as I 'could'. Does that make sense? Even if I'm not thinking about 'it' 'it' is still there somehow. So, last night it was just Zach, the three older kids and I. My mom stayed at home with Abby. That was nice because we didn't have to watch a toddler and could just sit back, since the others are quite older. I'm sure my mom enjoyed the one-on-one with Ab's too! But at the same time, it was so weird without her....like there was a piece missing. And it got me thinking of how Hannah's leaving and that piece will be missing...and how really there are 3 pieces missing.

Today Hannah is off with her friend, K. K's grandparents 'run' a campground so they went there for lunch and possibly to the butterfly garden. Their friend T also went along. I'm so glad Hannah's able to do this before she leaves! But it also gives me a sense of what it'll be like when she's gone, even though my mom is here. It's just weird. I was resting/napping on the couch and I know Ab is sleeping upstairs, the boys were drawing at the table and I kept thinking Han was upstairs playing!

My mom and I cleaned the house this morning. It was nice to have the help and I'm thankful its clean, for a short time! There, that's a positive :)

I've been wanting to go and get a pedicure. I wanted to with my mom when she was here, but it never happened. Things have just been busy. I really just wanna sit and relax and be 'pampered'. Not like I've been doing much, because I haven't, but, well...I just want a break from reality.

Tonight I'm going to the Mommies with Hope group. I am really looking forward to it. I've already been emailing two of the gals from the group. Totally a Godsend! I was telling somebody that when I went through this with Malachi in Mississippi I didn't feel like I would need a group like this, but this time I really feel like i need it (its weird too, because both places I've had exceptional, wonderful friends that have been here for me). Is this why God landed us in Iowa!?! I'm sure it will be a bit sad, heart-wrenching, difficult, but I also expect it to be encouraging, uplifting and refreshing! Hopefully my next post will be able to describe for you what it was like. And too bad there aren't more of these around for the many people who suffer the loss of their babies.

prayer

This is from the book Grieving the Child I Never Knew:

Lord, should I really be feeling this way about losing my child? Am I making too much out of this loss? I know others don't understand how I feel. Help me to forgive the peole who try to minimize the pain. My loss was a child, not a mistake or clump of cells. My child was a part of me. You understand. You created my precious baby. It's comforting to know You saw my child in my womb and know my child by name. My child has value in Your eyes. Give me courage to grieve and validate my pain. You are my Creator, the One who can form my loss into something good in time. Amen.

One thousand times AMEN!!!!

From Amy...

Read this...great info!

DISTURBED

Today on facebook I posted something generally the same as what I blogged about earlier...about it being 2 weeks and how I "should" be 20 weeks. I got a comment:

but what about the 4 wonderful treasures you have here? Please don't let the ones in heaven take away from the joy and good times with the ones He left here with you. You get to decide what you dwell on. (said in a sympathetic, calming tone of voice, Jamie, cuz I feel just awful you keep having to go through this.)

For REAL? Really? Did you JUST SAY THAT????????????? That is ONE thing people should NEVER say to someone who lost a child/baby! It is just unreal how people act like just because I never "met" my baby or my baby never breathed a breath that people think we shouldn't grieve. I guess if you haven't been in this boat you just don't understand (some people more than others), but come on!!! I got a couple of private messages about how this comment disturbed other people- one who is in the boat with me right now and one who's never been in the boat. They were pretty much appalled and like one said, if you lost your mother its not like people would say, "Oh suck it up, you still have your dad!"

And you know something? I DO treasure my children! I DO enjoy them! I AM thankful for them. Even more so NOW than 2 weeks ago. I KNOW how blessed I am. But seriously, I will grieve for my baby. I will miss him. He was "supposed" to be a part of our family HERE on earth! I will continue to be honest in my feelings both here and on facebook. I will always be me and no matter what anybody says, I will not keep my mouth shut (well in regards to my feelings)- its just not who I am!

I know people mean well. I know maybe they just don't know what to say. I know they try to be encouraging. But seriously, THINK before you SAY something...you just never know if what you're saying doesn't quite come out right or isn't taken the way maybe it was "meant" to be. If you haven't been in this boat, you just 'don't get it'! And I'm quite thankful for those of you who haven't had to be here! I'm also thankful that all of my great friends who HAVEN'T been where I'm at have been super supportive and not said anything STUPID!

thanks for the reminder...

Last night I saw my 'calendar' icon on my phone and wondered what that was all about. I opened it up, and saw that it said 20 weeks. I didn't think I would be able to breath. Thanks for the bittersweet reminder, phone. I must have set it weeks or a month ago...talk about a slap in the face!

I feel like I'm now counting backwards. I should be 20 weeks today. Instead I'm thinking how it's been 2 weeks since we found out our baby boy died. 2 weeks! It seems like just yesterday but it also seems like a lifetime ago. Yesterday we went to the zoo. It was good. It felt 'normal'. Until we stopped to eat lunch and the whole 'physical' part of after having a 'baby' hit me. That is something that makes me so mad!!! I shouldn't be bleeding! I should be carrying a baby within! Then last night I went to a 'party' for 31 gifts, some new thing (they sell cute purses/bags/handbags). Just simple things, yet sometimes I have a hard time enjoying them. There were some moments when I questioned why I was there. Sure, I had a good time and I'm glad I went, but geez it is hard when something just hits you. It didn't help that there were pregnant women there. That's something I really struggle with, yet I know it has to be normal. Especially when they begin talking about things related to pregnancy. I "should" have been joining in the conversation. Instead I wanted to run out of that house like it was on fire! And its not like everyone there knew my situation. It's not like my pregnant friends can't talk about being pregnant! It's not like I'm not happy for pregnant people. But gosh, it is hard! It stinks in the worst way.

Gabe has really been throwing crying fits about everything lately. I'm not sure if its just him, if its us not disciplining him or if its his way of dealing with things. Otherwise, the kids seem to be fine dealing with it. Maybe because my mom is here and we're kept busy with that? Maybe it will change when she leaves.

Speaking of leaving, she's heading out on Friday and she's taking my oldest, my dear daughter, my helper! It's hard enough for me to think that she's leaving, but the fact that Hannah's going to be gone for a couple of weeks makes me unable to breathe! I'm so scared to be 'alone' to care for my other kids. Will I be able to handle it? Will I flip out? What will I do with myself? I'm sure I'll be fine, but I'm just so worried about it all! Then I worry about Hannah...what if this happens or what if that happens. I totally trust my mom, but its normal to worry, right? Last night I had a nightmare that my mom was in a car accident and I think she died. Was Hannah in that car too???

Yesterday I received another little package from my best friend. The first was a book called, "Grieving the Child I Never Knew" and it has been wonderful to read that what I'm feeling is 'normal'. Yesterday, she had sent me 7 cards! She didn't know which one to pick as she was laughing and crying in the Hallmark store so she decided to get them all! So, I curl up on the loveseat and open the first card and cry. The next card gave me a chuckle. It was like that with all 7 cards!!! It was awesome! Totally made my day :) Then I had to call her to tell her I love her and thank you! It was great to hear her voice, to talk with her about it.

So there's good and bad mixed in all around. It's hard to not focus on the bad at times, but I'm trying to just get through each moment.

Little Gestures

So, Zach's brother and wife (who live in England) sent us a card! How sweet! Totally unexpected and such a blessing!

I forgot to mention that Saturday evening Zach's 'first shirt' type person who's stationed in Colorado called to see how we are doing! That was so super nice to check on us! Especially considering Zach decided to not go to field training...they could've been totally ticked off at him!

People just amaze me. It's these little things that keep occurring that are keeping me above the waters. I also got my necklace today! I love it and I'm so glad to wear it. Now I need to deal with Sears about my mother's ring...that should be fun. I don't think I shared that story...for another time I guess!

The hosptial wouldn't let me go!

So, I vaguely remember my young nurse leaving around 11 (she only worked a 4 hr. shift) and another one coming and checking on me through the night. Good thing they put me to sleep- it sure knocked me out good ALL night! It was nice to get some sleep, albeit drug induced :) I remember the nurse kept asking me if I wanted her to take the baby out. No, I didn't because I'd only seen the baby while still in pain and I wanted to be a bit more coherent to have that 'time' with him. I remember waking a few times in the night and seeing the bassinet laying by my bed and thinking I needed to check on the baby or nurse him. Ugh, that was difficult! With Malachi they didn't put him in one of the bassinets, so this was different. It was 'nice' because it seemed like they 'honored' him as a baby, but it was also difficult.

I woke up a bit early Friday morning. Zach did also. I looked at our baby, laying there, decaying, dead. I cried. He climbed into my bed and we talked about names. I grabbed my ipod and went to a site I was at the day before. I thought, "I want a name that means gift of God" and told Zach that. For some reason I clicked on the letter "N" and we see Nathaniel. It was SUCH A GOD THING!!! We both were like, "Yeah, I really like that" which was weird because never before had we considered that name. My cousin has a Nathan and so I just always bypassed Nathaniel. we knew we wanted a name with a good meaning and a Biblical one. Zach really wanted the baby's middle name to be Larry, after his dad. So, I reluctantly agreed. Nothing against my father-in-law, just didn't think it went well with Nathaniel :) Looking up the name Larry, we learned it meant "crowned with laurel". Ok, well WHAT is that? I looked it up and its like a green, leafy type of plant. Just the thought that our baby DOES have a crown, a heavenly one, totally sold me on that :) So, we named our precious baby Nathaniel Larry. It took me awhile to get used to that!

Finally, I felt I could 'release' my baby and asked the nurse to take him. I just couldn't stand to see it anymore...to know what was really happening, what was becoming real. It took forever for the nurse to wheel him out, it seemed! I MISSED my nurse Nancee! She did come in that morning to see me, to see how I was doing and she looked like she could've cried with me and hugged me.

About a month ago at our church a guy named Brent got baptized. He was a funeral director. He had done a funeral for a Josiah Johnson (not sure if I mentioned him on my blog before) and Josiah's life had really touched his. So, immediately I knew we should contact Brent. I didn't know him. This was all new to us too, for in Mississippi our pastor had contacted a guy from our church at the funeral home. Thankfully Zach stepped up to the plate on this one! So, Brent eventually made it and that was a difficult time also, but he was so caring! I remember the nurse coming in, saying to him, "Security is ready whenever you are" and I totally LOST it. I'm going to cry again thinking about that. To know he was taking my baby's body so far away from me. The baby that I carried in my womb, so close to my heart. The baby I dreamed of holding and cuddling. He was going away (his body)...far away. He was being 'taken' from me.

That morning was so difficult. Well, it all was of course. I was so ready to just go home. I wanted to be with my children. They kept asking when I'd be home. They were worried about me. I just wanted to hold them. I thought it was funny how sometimes I feel like I need a break from them and just need to get away and here I had a 'break' but I wanted nothing more than to be with them. The doctor had come in early and told me I could probably be released around noon, that another doctor would come in and check me then. Then finally took out the IV and stuff but it seemed they would never let me go. I was getting so mad! It was like, let me out of this place! There was no reason for me to be there. It was so painful. Apparently the nurse was waiting on discharge papers. We got those and then it was the Rhogam shot. It took over an hour of waiting just for a shot in my arse to then be 'released'. I was free!!! Walking out of the hospital empty handed was not as difficult as I thought it'd be, nor as difficult as it was with Malachi, only because I wanted so bad to be out of there! I did shed a few tears and cried some on the way home. But I was thankful for that part to be over. Although now, looking back, I feel like time is almost going too fast. Was it really that long ago that I got to see and hold our baby? How long before others soon forget, while the pain festers on inside of me? Sigh.

Coping

Yesterday I was looking at the pictures I'd taken of Nathaniel. Wow. He looked so perfectly formed. Little, tiny fingers and toes. To think I'd never have a chance to hold his hand, to tickle those tiny feet.

Today in church I felt so sad. Just thinking it was my 'first' time there without him. I wanted to still be carrying him. I had dreamed of holding him in church while we sing, cuddling him. Now I don't have that opportunity.

At a garage sale the other day there was a baby. I wanted to ask how much he cost :) I'd have bought him in a heartbeat!

Speaking of garage sales, my mom went Thursday night, Friday and Saturday mornings! I would just rush past the baby items. To think I was really looking forward to garage sales and finding baby items. Now I just find for my other kids, which is great too...but still there's an 'emptiness'.

There have been moments when Zach and I will just lay in bed...even during the day. He'll just hold me. It makes me cry more, but it is such a loving gesture. Then I just let the questions and tears flow. Did I do something wrong? Maybe I yelled at the kids too much and God didn't think me fit to be a mother again. Why would he give us this baby to take it away? I don't care right now about the 'benefit' of others, I just want my baby. I feel so empty.

Singing songs in church...I couldn't even sing. I just let the words sink in. "Let your kingdom come, let your will be done so that everyone will know your name" Do we really know what we're saying when we sing those words? I've sung them before but did I REALLY mean 'let your will be done'. Right now I want MY will to be done! In time I know that will change. Or the song 'Blessed Be Your Name'..."your give and take away" Sigh.

It is good for me when I stay busy. I know I need to 'deal' with it but also I just want to be busy, busy, busy. Lots of shopping. Garage sales. Today my mom and I are going to see "Letters to Juliet" which will be another nice distraction.

Zach goes to work tomorrow. My mom leaves next weekend and will probably take Hannah with her for a couple of weeks. Sigh. I feel like I won't be able to 'do it' alone. Yet I know I'm not alone...I guess I'll continue to stay busy but things just won't be the same. They'll never be the same. Now we need to find another 'new normal'.

We received flowers from our babysitters family the other day. What a sweet gesture. I talked to them on the phone but last night Zach and I ran out and so we stopped by there so I could thank them in person. I walked into the house and the father and two girls were singing the most beautiful song about Jesus. Wow, it hit me and I began to cry. It was totally a God thing. It was nice to visit with them a bit.

Gone

So, I think we thought it would still take awhile for everything to happen. My mom was driving down and Zach decided to run home and meet the kids there, get them ready for bed. Thanks SO much Sadie for staying the night with them and watching them ALL day! I know they were in good hands and know they had a blast. Well, I was given a dose of Cytotec again after Zach left, my mom was nearing Des Moines and my epidural was working but also starting to wear off a bit. For some reason I ended up throwing up that dose of Cytotec. So, they were going to give more and also some anti-nausea medicine. When I have any type of procedure done I just get so chilled and shaky. I was like that off and on the entire time I was there. I wasn't necessarily always cold, but boy did I hate being that way! Well, I was 'shivering' so the nurse went to get some heated blankets (I love those things). She went to remove my other blankets and put the heated ones right on top of me and exclaimed, "OH, you delivered your baby!" I was like, "WHAT?" I sat right up and there was my tiny baby right between my legs, lying there so lifeless, so helpless, so perfect. It is kind of a blur at this point. I know I talked to Zach and my mom, letting them both know I'd 'had' the baby. The doctor was called and came in. They determined it was a boy- it was so obvious. I was crying, just staring at my son laying there so helplessly. I took a couple of pictures. I was in pain as by this point the epidural really wore off and the placenta still hadn't come out. I was trying to push on my stomach. The nurses would also, but boy it HURT when they did it. My mom showed up. I hated that she had to see me in pain but I really wanted her there. She got to see the baby. Zach showed up. The doctor tried to remove the placenta with forceps but couldn't so it was decided I needed a "D&C". Not really the "D" part since I was already dilated. It took forever to get that done because we had to wait for the doctor to finish a c-section and we had to wait for an available room. I was just hurting so bad, moving my legs all around to try to ease the pain and moaning. My mom left and came home to sit with the kids.

On a separate note I think I totally forgot to mention about 'visitors' that day. Our pastor stopped by which was nice. The hospital chaplain came in. His name was Eric. He sat with us, talked a bit. He was so understanding. I'm sure he deals with situations like this quite often. He said some things to me that showed that he really understood and cared. I cried. What a blessing. Also, Sadie & Jenn brought the kids up briefly. Then Zach took the kids out to the playground for a few minutes and S & J prayed for me. That was so special.

Ok, so finally I was set to go back and get the D&C. By then Nancee had left and I had a different nurse. She was so young looking! I was thinking, "Oh boy...how will this go?" I just wanted Nancee! As it was Nancee had stayed 1/2 hour to an hour over her shift!

I hate those operating rooms. So bright. So cold. The anesthesiologist was there and told me he decided to put me to sleep. That was fine with me. I couldn't imagine being awake for that! I remember them covering my left arm with a heated blanket because I just was shivering. They put the pulse sox on my finger and I was moving my head to make sure the 'cord' wasn't behind it. That's the last thing I remember. It's so weird when they put you to sleep!

Sour Lemons

This afternoon is our Memorial Service for Nathaniel. It seemed like we'd never get it planned and I was getting quite irritated about it, but here it is. It still sometimes seems so unreal. I wonder how it will go. I wonder how I'll hold up. I remember so clearly our service for Malachi. Dr. Mike did an awesome job and JR, the 'music man' sang Amazing Grace. That song has taken on a whole new meaning to me since that day. But, boy the tears fell. Still thinking on that day, with my sons body in that tiny box. Now, I get the privilege of doing it all over again with another baby (sarcasm). It sure sucks.

Special

http://www.etsy.com/shop/bugaboojewelry?page=1

Down

Boy, I sure feel down today. Maybe part of it is the weather. I have been so very angry with it all. I don't remember having such anger last time. It's not like I'm lashing out or anything, just feel so angry in my spirit. Questioning God, "Why did you have to take MY baby? Why again? Wasn't the other 2 enough? Why even allow me to get pregnant if you're going to take my baby away?" So. Much. Anger. I'm glad He's forgiving and understanding! Laying in bed at night and in the morning is awful. Those were the times I'd lay and dream about baby...wondering if it were a boy or girl, dreaming of holding, kissing and loving that child. I read something somewhere this morning about not only do we have to grieve the loss of a child, but also the loss of the dreams we had for that child. Both Zach and I and even the children had already 'planned' for Nathaniel to join our family! We talked about where all the kids would sit in the suburban, we talked about sleeping arrangements. I'm sure the kids wondered what it'd be like to play with another sibling, to hold another baby, to love on and cherish that precious babe. Sigh. Shattered dreams. Crushed hopes. I know my baby is in a MUCH better place but that honestly doesn't even bring a slight smile to my heart right now. *I* wanted my baby. *I* dreamed for my baby. I still desire to hold his precious body against mine. I lay in bed just wanting to feel kicks, wishing I could cuddle and nurse my little boy. Zach will lay next to me and put his arm around me and I just cry. The love from that little gesture. He rests his hand upon my stomach, out of habit, and I just want to cry and cry and never stop. For that stomach is empty. Broken. Such sadness. Such anger. Just wanting to be honest...

Love those drugs!

I can't remember what dose it was (with the Cytotec) when they then gave me Laminaria also. That was quite painful as I was cramping then also! That's like this seaweed stuff that they insert to open the cervix. It certainly worked! I was I think only a little softened before they began that method. I remember being given so many drugs...for the diarrhea, for the pain, for whatever! Finally I was quite uncomfortable and they asked if I wanted an epidural. I was thinking how silly that was, afterall I don't need to be fully dilated to expel the little baby. But, they were very concerned that I just be as comfortable as possible, especially in my situation. So, I caved in! They were right, its horrible enough having to go through this, but then to have the pain on top of it! It just isn't fair, as a kid would say!

I think I forgot to mention how wonderful my nurse was on Thursday. Her name was Nancee. She's been nursing for 32 years so she just seemed so motherly, which was totally what I needed. She came in and asked how I was and said she was there just for me, to take care of me. She stayed by my side much throughout the day and I was her only patient. She was so caring, so kind, so concerned. God is so good to provide such people when we need them!

Ok, so the epidural...whew now THAT is a story. I've had epidurals with my boys and spinals with my girls so I'm quite familiar with them all! It is still quite nerve wracking though! I was leaning over the pillow with the nurse in front of me. The doctor numbed my back and I'm not sure he inserted any sort of needle (because when I shouted out he said he didn't do anything yet). All of a sudden I heard this weird noise in my left ear (almost like tingling nerves or something) and my head felt like it exploded and all went black. My head felt 20 times bigger than normal and hurt more than it's ever hurt before. I was like, "OW, my head!" and told them what happened, but then my right leg went numb. I'm still hunched over the pillow and my left leg started to numb. He said that wasn't supposed to happen and asked me to move them. I couldn't. So, they wanted me to lay down. Well, I started to lay back, but I felt like I was falling and like I was teetering and going to fall off of the bed! Zach says I was nowhere near to falling off but it sure felt like it and was so scary. As soon as I laid my head down it began to pound again (for just a short time) and I said something like, "I feel like I'm gonna die." Zach was laughing and pretty much calling me a drama queen, but man it hurt and then I got so nervous, just hoping I wouldn't be paralyzed or something! The anesthesiologist checked if there was fluid and then had to redo the epidural. By this point I was numb from the upper part of my stomach down- a true spinal! So when he asked if I could sit up, of course not! Zach and the nurse rolled me to my side so he could administer it that way. Well, laying on my side I felt like I was rocking on a boat! It was the weirdest feeling! It also felt like they'd tipped the bed sideways also, somehow! I asked them and told them that and they just laughed. They must have thought me quite loopy, but that's honestly what it felt like! It is so funny to me now!

Once that was all squared away I tried to relax. I guess the spinal would last at least an hour and he just had a small amount of the epidural prescribed. Aaahh, the drugs sure are my friends to take away the physical pain!

Brings me smiles

This is so funny and cute. I think this was the night before this whole nightmare began. Aaahh, I love my children!

Decisions

It was never a question in our minds what we would 'do'. We knew we would do the same thing we did with Malachi, induce labor. I just prayed it wouldn't take 3 weeks like last time! Well, I wished, for I really couldn't 'pray' anything. I think I forgot to mention that the baby died about 14 weeks, same as Malachi had. So I was carrying my dead baby around for 4 weeks without even knowing it. The thing that gets me is I had been in for an ultrasound at 13 weeks and the baby was perfect! What went wrong?

Zach arranged with the doctor for me to go up to Labor & Delivery about 9:30 pm that night to begin 'inducing'. The good thing about being here is they were way more familiar with this procedure than Keesler had been. We arranged child care (thanks Sadie) and just sat around all day, waiting, waiting, waiting. I hated the fact that I had to go to the hospital yet again to deliver a dead baby. Sure, I know he's 'alive' in heaven, but that didn't do much to soothe my pain (and still doesn't). Meanwhile, I'd had a few visitors, my friend's Jenn and Sarah. Sarah bought us pizza for dinner, which was so nice to not have to think about what to feed the family!

I was pretty quiet on the way to the hospital. I was so nervous. Would I 'almost' die like last time, losing so much blood? Would my body work with the medicine to expel the baby? Would we be able to tell if it were a boy or a girl?

It really stinks having to walk up to L&D 'empty'. I wanted to play a mind game with myself, that I was there to deliver my healthy baby, that I'd come home with! Not the case, however. And it stinks when they're 'expecting' you...they know what you're there for. I mean, yes, they need to know, but UGH, I'm THAT person. I get settled in, get the blood drawn, get poked 3 times for the IV and wait. I hadn't met the doctor that was on call until that night, Dr. Tran, but she was so super nice and sweet. I immediately felt comfortable with her, thank God. It all seems like a blur, but at some point that gave me the Cytotec and I sat back just waiting for it to work. I couldn't sleep much that night for I was "willing" the stuff to give me contractions and do its thing! My goal was to just get over the whole physical part of it all. It hadn't sunk in totally why I was there or what was going on or that my baby was actually dead. I just focused on getting past the physical.

The second dose of Cytotec was double the dose so they thought for sure it'd produce more of something. Ha, I have a very stubborn body. I said its broken and that I need a new one. Stupid body. Can't carry a baby, can't expel a dead one. What the heck!?! So, it just was a big huge waiting game. Wait, wait, wait. I had diarrhea from the Cytotec and some cramping, but nothing too horrible and I wasn't really dilating or anything. Wait, wait, wait.

Ultrasound day

Ultrasound day! We were so excited to go see baby! I was also a bit apprehensive, but just because of my previous 'issues'. It was the first time I'd wanted to know the sex of the baby. We all thought it was a boy, although the kids were all rooting for another girl. I couldn't believe the day was finally here- 18 weeks!

The lady called me back and the kids were all excited. They saw baby on the screen and were like, "I see his eyes! Look at his hair!" I was just laughing at them. They were determined that by the eyes and hair it was a boy. I was mainly concerned about finding a heartbeat, which I didn't see. But I am so dumb when it comes to ultrasounds that I just thought I was missing something. I also didn't see baby moving but just told myself she had it on still image. She began measuring right away and was quiet, but I just assumed she was doing her work measuring baby. Then she got up from the computer and said, "I need to look at your chart" and went to her desk. I'm thinking- what the heck! They don't do something like that in the middle of an ultrasound! She asked if I had some sort of test (sequential screen or something) and I told her I had. She then grabbed my folder and said she'd be right back. Immediately I looked at Zach and said, "What's wrong?" Oh, the dread. What the heck! So I thought, "Ok, maybe the baby's just got down's syndrome or something, I can deal with that" but that wasn't the case. It seemed like eons went by, but it was probably only a few minutes, when the doctor came in with the ultrasound tech and said something like "Bad news. How do you want to deal with this with the kids?" I seriously thought I was in a nightmare. He began talking to the kids about this baby being an angel and yadda yadda and I just covered my face and sobbed loudly, saying, "I can't deal with this again! NO!" I believe the kids asked if the baby was dead and Hannah was also crying. I was so, so, so very angry. I just wanted to get up and punch the wall and yet I couldn't move. All I could do was lay there in disbelief.

I couldn't move, I just couldn't do anything. The doctor said something about 'talking about options' but how we could do it at another time. Zach said we'd just call, and we were left alone in our grief. Finally, I said, "I gotta get out of here" for I couldn't take just sitting in there any longer. One minute I was immobile, the next I just needed to go. Maybe leaving would make it all go away? Was it really even happening? Again? It was like a recurring nightmare. Are you kidding me? I just sat in the suburban in disbelief (I know I keep using that word). Here I'd never felt the baby move and felt like I wasn't gaining weight, but I thought I was just paranoid. Maybe it was my mother's instinct. The way home was very quiet. Josiah sat in the backseat, quietly crying. Hannah was crying, not able to stop. My tears would come and go.

When we got home I just sat on the couch. Now what? We were supposed to be celebrating! Zach took the whole day off and I had anticipated celebrating our baby! Zach sat next to me and we called the kids. Gabe was just running around, playing with Abby. Josiah and Hannah, Zach and I sat on the couch holding one another and crying. Immediately when we got home Hannah had run upstairs. She'd come down with her ultrasound picture of the baby. She had come to my very first appointment, which had fallen on her birthday. The doctor had given her a picture of the baby. And it was that picture she clung to as she sobbed for her lost sibling. Such a big heart, that girl has.

You just dream for your baby, dream holding them, loving them. Such big plans! And to find out those dreams just shattered. It crushes your entire world.

So much to say...

I don't even know where to begin. Do I start from the beginning? Or do I just simply put my thoughts right now, which are a big jumble. I honestly just didn't think we'd be going through this again. The first words out of my mouth were, through sobbing tears, "I can't go through this again." And yet here I am, going through it. Why? Wasn't once enough? Why me? Can't I just hold my little baby, fully grown, like I'd dreamed? I feel like its the end...like we just won't be having any more. I feel so empty. My arms are empty of a babe and my womb is empty of him also. And many say that I'm so blessed with four healthy children. Yes, thank you, I know that. I am truly blessed and very thankful for them. But that doesn't make the pain of losing THIS child any easier, not by a long shot. This morning as I listened to church online, since I couldn't bring myself to go to church, I cried through much of the worship. As they sang about hope I wondered what's the sense of it. I had hope. Hope my baby would be just fine. And look what good it did me. I know that God is my hope, I know all the cliche things that its His will and yadda yadda, but that just doesn't comfort at this time. Am I turning my back on God? Never. I just wonder, doubt and question. It is normal. It is ok. I know this. While I can't pray for myself, I know that your prayers are what's keeping my head above the water. It's the love and support of the body of Christ and it simply amazes me. That's all I can give right now.

Fog

I feel like I'm living in a fog. We had our ultrasound. Baby's dead. What a nightmare. Do I really have to go through this again? Why? Life is harsh. I just want my baby!!! I don't wanna do this again. It hurts. My heart just hurts.

Sigh

We have a plumber here. Wonder how much that will cost. Zach tried to fix a leak in our pipe and now the guys gonna have to cut that whole part of the pipe off because he can't get the stuff off that Zach put on it. Oh boy, I just wonder how much money we'll be throwing away today. I'm so mad that our pipe has a leak in it! Give me a break!

Speaking of breaks, it's pretty much summer break. Gabriel is now a 1st grader! He graduated from kindergarten today! I'm so proud of him! With all of my kids, we'll continue to do math review and reading throughout the summer, just to reinforce those and work on any issues they may have had throughout the year. I decided Josiah is done with his English so he's only got his math book left. Hannah has a poem left to write and then we're 'officially' done. I imagine that 'official' will be this week! It feels so good to be almost done. I can focus on getting things cleaned around the house that I don't normally clean. My shower is nasty. Plus I can really focus on the garage sale stuff the next few days. And then I can just relax, well to an extent. It will just be nice not to have lessons every day!