The Land of the "Almost" Forgotten

I almost hesitate to post what's on my mind. I hate that! Yet it is my desire to be honest, not just for you readers, but for myself! This is my 'journal'. So, my mind is what you'll see (I know, I know, scary though)! Gosh, I must be feeling 'ok' to joke :)

Anyway, I've just been thinking lately. There are a few things that weigh heavier on my mind, and of course they have to do with losing Nathaniel. One of them is...feeling forgotten. Maybe it's the books I read that also triggered this thought, I don't know. Anyway, just hear me out (or read).

When we first found out Nathaniel died and shared the news WOW we had such an outrageous response! The love, prayers, notes, tears, etc was just AMAZING! It got us through that time, in addition to GOD of course. That first week home was still amazing. We received meals, cards, phone calls, flowers, prayers. I know I still haven't been good about returning some of those calls, but just the voicemail left meant the world to me. People knew we were hurting. They were hurting too. They were praying for us and letting us know. It was awesome.

Tomorrow will be 3 weeks since we got the news about Nathaniel. Sometimes I just want to cry out, "STOP!!! Life can't go on!!! I don't want to live another day without my baby!" No, not a suicidal thought, simply a thought that I just want to remember the time I carried him, the time he was here with me, inside of me, even if he wasn't growing anymore. Yet, it's been 3 weeks. People have lives to lead, vacations to take, books to read, kids to raise. I know that. I'm 'cool' with that. I'm sure some people think, "C'mon girl, it's been 3 weeks....get over it!" Honestly, I don't care what people think. I want to grieve my son, the boy I never got to know.

My point is....people move on and yet I'm 'stuck'. Because I don't want to 'move on' right now. I just finished a book about losing your child, the one you never knew (thanks, Jamie) and it talked about giving it all to God. What if I don't want to right now? Honestly. I KNOW He is here. I KNOW He is holding me (and better yet, He is holding my son in His heavenly arms). But I want to remember. I want to mourn. I want to grieve. And yet I feel 'forgotten'.

The phone calls have dwindled, the messages have pretty much ceased, the notes saying 'We're praying' have no longer been penned. And that is OK. I need to learn to lean on God during this time. But it also makes me sad. I don't want people to forget. Not just my sweet boy and all that he meant to our family, but I don't want them to forget 'me' right now. Because I am only 'ok' and sometimes I'm not even that. Sometimes I'm a little better than that.

This isn't a post to you so you can start feeling bad or chastise me or whatever. It is simply my heart. And I do have a few of my friends who have been WONDERFUL through it all and I thank you. And I do have my Lord to lean on and that's what I need to do. So please, if nothing else pray that I will slowly begin to do so, to lean on His everlasting arms, that I'll begin to give my hurts and pain over to Him.

I love you all!

**It's also not a post 'begging' anybody to do the things mentioned above. Simply my heart being poured out...