Saturday, March 07, 2009

in honor of malachi

*I wrote this on facebook.

Two years ago on March 8 I got to hold my baby boy that I will never see breathe this side of heaven. I'll never see his smile, his first steps, hear him say 'Mama'. I won't get to see how he grows or see how he interacts with his siblings and fits into our family. But I rest assured that he is in the arms of Jesus and what better place is there than that?It was February 13, 2007. I was 15 weeks pregnant and had a routine doctor's appointment. Or so I thought. They were unable to find the heartbeat, but for some reason I thought nothing of it. Until we then went into the ultrasound room. It was deathly quiet. I watched the midwife's face. Then she said the words I never imagined I'd hear. My baby was not alive. It was just weeks earlier than I saw him dancing on an ultrasound! I remember laughing about it because he was so active! What had gone wrong? Why?So I was whisked to another doctor and they tried to get me to have a D&E (basically a D&C but because I was so far along it was a bit different). There was no way I wanted to go through with something like that though. I had seen my baby alive and dancing on a 'machine'! I wasn't going to just allow them to do that to my precious child, whether he was dead or alive! We decided we'd 'induce' and they began that the next morning but it never worked! By this point the one doctor really wanted me to have the surgery but I just couldn't.It was a tough and trying time. Trying to plan. Trying to rest in God, knowing there was a reason. Trying to continue in my faith in Him. Going to the doctor for tons of blood work. If anything came up that showed I was in danger they would have had to do the surgery. But I was fine. It took my body three and a half weeks to begin to 'free' my baby!I leaned on God in that time. I grieved. It was the most difficult thing I ever had to go through. But I could feel the prayers of people everywhere, even those I'd never met. I could feel the Lord's loving arms around me even though I doubted Him at that point. It was difficult for me to pray at all, but there were so many others there helping me through it. I am so grateful for them all.My two prayers that I could pray during that time were that my baby would be intact and that I would find out whether a boy or girl. God answered those prayers! He is so good to hear us! I could see His hand in every part of that ordeal. It was the most trying time yet no matter where I turned His hand was there. From the Christian nurse to the ladies from church bringing me meals to the friends watching my children and crying with me.God answered my prayers. Even though my baby hadn't been alive for at least a month he was perfectly formed! He looked a lot like his brother, Josiah. He fit in the palm of my hand. Oh and it was a HE! So we named him Malachi Robert. Malachi means 'my messenger'. I believe my baby boy was sent to be a message to the world around me about how precious and fragile life truly is.I almost died after I'd had him because of the blood loss. I had to get 4 pints of blood! But God stood by me every step of the way! Our precious boy is buried at Biloxi National Cemetary in Biloxi, Mississippi. We hope to eventually 'move' him to Michigan so we can visit him when we're 'home'. Although I miss him and wish he were here I am so thankful I was able to carry him within, even for a short time. God has blessed me not with 4 children but 6 as Malachi also has a sibling in heaven. The recent profile picture is to honor him this weekend. I wish I were in Biloxi to 'visit' him but I am so thankful for my friends who will be there to do it for me. And I know he lives on in my heart and what better place for him to be.Thank you to all who prayed with me, grieve with me and held me through that time in my life.


Kim said...

Your story is very touching. You have me in tears. What a long way you have come since then. I couldn't imagine the terrible pain and grief you experienced. Many blessings for you this day I pray.

Anonymous said...

I was not far enough along to know boy/girl. But I do wonder about that allot. Every December 12th I think about my little baby who is with Jesus. We are thinking of you and Malachi today....
Our babies have already seen the face of Jesus!
Be Blessed,