Adventureland

Yesterday was such a FUN day! Our small group leaders bought all us families tickets to Adventureland and yesterday was the day we went!!! We'd never gone before and the kids were super excited to try some roller coasters. First we went on the Giant Skywheel (pretty much like a Ferris wheel), just the three older kids and I. It was fun, although at first they were a bit nervous about the height. We also went in the Teacups. I was dizzy coming out of those. We had Abby go on some little kiddie rides. We were so hot so we headed to the waterpark. Hannah and I went in the Typhoon- what a BLAST that was! I took Josiah on the blue/green waterslide. Part of it was pitch black, then you come out in the open and are going up the walls- it was crazy fun! Zach took Gabe on the purple slide and the kids played on the big kid thing and waterslides. I took Abby down the lazy river and she LOVED it. Too bad she's afraid of sprinklers- she didn't want to go in anything! We then were cooled off and went back to the coasters- Hannah and I went on the Outlaw, in which I laughed SO hard. I think the last time I laughed like that from such excitement was when I was in college on a jet ski! Josiah and I went on the Tornado. Wow, I didn't expect it to be so crazy. He was freaked out! He was just screaming, "Get me off! I think I'm going to die!" I was trying to hold onto him, laugh and not freak out myself! What a thrill! Then afterward, we looked at his picture- oh my his face looked so freaked out and all I can do is crack up about it! He then told me, "I thought I was going to meet my destination" then corrected himself by saying, "Destiny. I thought I was going to die." I busted up laughing at that! Zach took Hannah and Gabe on the Log Flume and then Josiah, Gabe and I went on it. The older kids and Zach went on the bumper cars while Abby and I watched. We were getting ready to head out of the park to meet the group for dinner when we spotted one of those old fashioned photography studios, so we walked in and had even more fun! The pictures were so cute! We had a GREAT dinner with our group and thankfully were under a pavilion because it began to pour and was lightning and thundering a bit. When we left to come home the sky was just crazy looking- and to the south there was nothing but big cracks of lightning everywhere. It was awesome! We all hopped in showers/baths and headed to bed. It was a long, humid, super fun day! What a blessing our 'leaders' bestowed upon each of our families!

**I tried to upload pics here but it wouldn't work...check out my facebook for some pictures.

Seeking Answers

Can you believe its been 7 weeks since I lost Nathaniel? And as I told my friend yesterday, this week is much more difficult than last week. It totally just comes and goes, the waves of sadness, grief, whatever you'd like to call it. Maybe it's also because I've been 'dealing' with it in a different way- I have a referral to a perinatologist to do some testing. I want to get genetic testing done, which this is NOT (we'd have to go to Iowa City for that). I'm not sure if some of the tests they want to do I've already had done with Malachi, but they're looking over my records. I am so VERY thankful that we have good insurance that covers this stuff! So, having to deal with it, talking with them about my loss(es), being asked by a few different people "Are you pregnant?" has left me raw again. The perinatologist's office staff seems wonderful though- and a cool thing about it is its the same doctor who performed my amnio when I was pregnant with Abby. I still feel like I just do what I can to get by. I keep thinking I should do this or that (little things around the house) but just am not very motivated.

Books

I'm finally reading again. I just read the last two Karen Kingsbury books from the Above the Line Series. Good stuff, but I was bawling like a baby! I began a library book last night. I don't like the books that have really, really long chapters. This has 'breaks' here and there, but I really like where you can end a reading session at the end of a chapter, not in the middle of one! Ok, maybe its rather nerdy to post about books, at least Zach would tell me so ;)

Speaking of books last night I ordered some homeschool books. I finally got up the ambition to begin looking! I ordered them from ebay and saved probably like $30! LOVE it! I'm still trying to figure out what to do about history. I received an email from a lady who runs one of the homeschool books 'libraries' (she has the books at her home) so hopefully I can go there and check out some of the things I'm interested in.

And on another book note, Becky has published a book! I knew she was writing a book but now she's published! Congrats, Becky! And what perfect timing for me! I already ordered it. I "met" Becky is some online adoption groups as we were both in the process of adopting from Liberia. God closed the door on that to both of our families. I can't wait to be blessed by this book!

Intuitive

So earlier after I'd called some adoption agencies I just sat here crying. The kids were in the basement (well Abby was napping) and had no idea. All of a sudden Gabe came up here (my tears were dry) and sat next to me. He put his arm around me and asked if I'm feeling ok. Talk about sweet!!! Did he know how sad I was feeling? Then I just watched a video somebody shared on facebook about the organization Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep and I was crying so hard. Abby came up, even before I began crying, and gave me the biggest hug and kiss on the mouth and then sat with me for a bit. Gabe, from across the room, asked if I was crying. These kids are so intuitive! It just amazes me! I love their sweetness!!!

Tough

So last night my neighbor/friend came over to tell me she's pregnant! I am super excited for her. At the same time I'm SO sad for me!!! She's like the 5th person in a week that I found out is pregnant. It seems like lots of neighbors, everybody at church, everybody on facebook...and the ones that aren't pregnant have babies. Ohhh it just hurts, it aches, it stings. I just don't get it!

We've been tossing around adoption again. I can't remember if I mentioned that before. I called a few places today. Not sure if we'd even 'qualify'...having 4 children, living in a 'small' house (there's no way a child would get their own room). I just feel so lost. My hearts desire all my life has been to be a Mom. I'm SO thankful for my children, so blessed beyond measure. But I want to mother more than these! I know God's desire is for women to have babies, to be mothers, to train them up in His ways. So then why can't that happen? Sometimes I let Satan get in there, telling me its because I'm not a good enough mother.

That's another thing. When will I get off my butt and DO things with the kids? Sure, we've been busy doing lots of fun things, going lots of places. But I mean doing things like baking cookies, reading, art...I just have no desire to do anything like that since I lost Nathaniel. I have to push myself to cook dinner and I've only done that a few times!!! I feel like it will never get easier. I feel like I'm just failing. Then I think about school...its already almost the end of July and I've got nothing ordered, researched or anything for school. Yikes! I feel like it takes so much effort to do such little things that I can't do big things like that. I hate it. I hate being like this, feeling like this. I even entertained the idea of putting them in school, just for this year. But why, just so I could sit on my computer all day? How selfish of me!!!

I am thankful for some things I accomplished today:
-I made an appointment for Gabe's wart that hasn't gotten better
-I called my dr. office to ask for a referral to a geneticist (I found this info on our insurance site: Chromosome analysis (to include karyotyping and/or high resolution chromosome analysis) in some cases of habitual abortion or infertility
-I planned park days for our homeschool group for 2 months!
-I called a few adoption agencies and got a bit of info
-I even found all the housing at the bases Zach put on his dream sheet!!! That was more of a fun thing
-Laundry, lots and lots of it

I'm sure there was more I was going to post, its just a matter of not being able to think. I've had to stick Abby's toys in their swings numerous times, been asked numerous times by Hannah about printing pictures and just have such a distracted brain these days. How on earth will I prepare for a short camping trip/family reunion to MI when I can't even think???

Ya just can't escape it...

Today was a good day. We drove a little over an hour away to Iowa Falls and met up with a former coworker of Zach's. Mary worked in MS with Zach and we hung out with them a few times. She was in Iowa visiting family with her two boys so we went and met up for pizza. Then we went to this swinging bridge they have there- it was really neat. It was a nice little visit and not even bad of a drive. When we got back to town Zach wanted to drive through the neighborhood we always go and look at open houses at. There's this new house that's not completed yet but we saw somebody pull up to it and asked if we could look at it. Turns out the guy was the builder and he was more than cool about it- even with our 4 kids! Wow, I think that one is my new favorite!!! It wasn't even complete and I FELL in love with it! Of course its like $300,000 MORE than what we paid for OUR house so totally out of our league...we just like to dream :) The part of the basement that was finished was bigger than our whole house!!! Yet the house wasn't like a mansion-like or anything! I really wish we had a bigger home so we could be hospitable. I told Zach that if we had a house like that we could house youth for conventions and things like that- that would be so much fun! Another cool thing about it- underneath the front porch is a tornado shelter!!! Coolness!

We then decided we'd see if our sitter could watch the kids. We came home and I took a nice little nap. Then we went to Panera for a bite to eat and decided to go to the movie. We had a great time! At the end of August it will be our turn to 'host' a night for our small group. We each, as a couple, get to decide what we do that night. So far they've had a BBQ/picnic at the 'lake' and a gym night. We came up with the coolest idea...but I don't want to share here in case anyone from my group reads my blog ;) I wish we didn't have to wait until the end of August to do it! lol

We went and saw Grown Ups. I wasn't sure how it'd be because some Adam Sandler movies are such trash. This was SO FUNNY! I don't think I laughed that hard at a movie since 4 Christmases! Totally worth going to watch! And you know the movie 'Meet the Parents'? There was a preview for 'Little Fockers'! FUNNY! Anyway, right before the movie began I heard this lady behind me who'd gotten this phone call. I didn't hear what she was saying, but then a few minutes later I heard her again, saying, "She's here. Six pounds such and such ounces, no height yet." Then she must've made another call and I heard it again. Can I just get away from things like that??? That was a tough moment. I want to be the one with a 6 pound baby to love and hold! Speaking of babies, SO many more people are announcing on facebook that they're pregnant so I had to go ahead and hide some of their comments for now. It's just so difficult. Not as difficult for those who've been pregnant for awhile like a few of my friends here, but for the newly pregnant people it just hurts (some of them anyway). I'm happy for them, but sad for me. Anyway, I don't wanna end a good day on a bad note. I'm thankful for the good day we had.

Dreams, dreams go away...

I haven't really felt like blogging these days. Anyway, I had the weirdest dream this morning and before I forget about it I want to blog about it. Here goes:

My mom had a baby boy. It was her baby. I must have not seen him much, if at all, as I was very sad about it all. We were all at some sort of place where there were different rooms, lots of people, a pool...almost like a combination school, hotel, mall or something? I don't know. Anyway, finally I had this feeling I just had to see the baby now. So I try to find her and can't and I text her. We meet up in this hallway or something and Kim (my stepdad) is carrying him. I grab for him and just look at him and I think I start to cry. He also has on an outfit that I bought at a garage sale for Nathaniel, the only outfit I've kept. I remember then being in a pool with him, just looking at him and feeling so happy, feeling like he was mine. Then rather than sitting in the shallow end of the pool where I was I began to walk toward the deep end. I spotted my parents and then realized I was supposed to have the baby- but I couldn't find him anywhere. I freaked out looking at the bottom of the pool, fearing the worst. Somehow he was somewhere safe and we were relieved.

We then were marveling at him and maybe he was going to eat? I can't remember if I was trying to nurse him or what? But his mouth was really weird. My mom was saying something about sticking a finger in his mouth and massaging it or something. Then I looked at his mouth and it was real red and huge, swollen like or something, with some weird things hanging out of it. Then we noticed blood and I was saying maybe his mouth was bleeding, but we couldn't figure out where from so we dismissed it. Then again we saw blood in the pool (even though we weren't in the pool anymore) and freaked out and decided we needed to get him to the ER right away. Then I woke up.

How crazy, freaky and just weird. I attribute some of it to the fact that I was reading a book about a lady who's pregnant before I went to bed. I read online on our local news about teens drowning in a town pool, and some things we talked about at Mommies with Hope Thursday night. I don't know, it was strange and I couldn't help feeling when I woke up like my baby was 'taken' from me because what kind of mother would I be, allowing my mom's baby boy to almost drown? UH, I HATE that feeling and I know its not true...dreams are so weird!

Difficult

I wasn't really looking forward to my appointment today, but little did I know how emotional I'd get. I could barely walk in the door. Thankfully I got to go to the office near home, the one where I haven't been while I was pregnant. I didn't want to go to the big office, the one where I'd found out the news, the one where so many pregnant women would be. At least here I didn't see a single pregnant person! That was great!

It seemed like I waited forever. I sat in the waiting room for quite a bit and then again after the nurse brought me back to a room I seemed to sit and sit and sit. I hate when they do that- they tell you 'undress from the waste down' and then you're sitting there for like 10 minutes pretty much naked! Lovely! Anyway, I had to hold back tears when talking with the nurse. I'd never seen her before, not sure if she knew my 'story' but still...just being there. I tried to not look around the room, tried not to notice the ultrasound machine sitting next to the table I sat upon. When I was weighed I couldn't believe it- over 10 lbs more than my normal weight! I haven't been eating the healthiest, I admit it, but sometimes I just don't even eat because I'm just not very hungry. I remember gaining weight after I lost Malachi too, but don't recall how much. I know I wasn't this heavy when I went to deliver Nathaniel, that's for sure. Talk about disheartening and annoying!

As soon as the doctor walked in I pretty much lost it, crying. I hope she doesn't put 'postpartum depression' on my chart like they did the last time this happened! She checked to make sure everything was ok, talked about how the chromosomes were fine when they checked it out and asked about birth control. I have her this article, that my friend Angie found, but she said its probably unlikely since it doesn't run in our families. I still may call the number on the bottom of the article though. She said we could always do genetic counseling but that usually insurance doesn't cover it, so I may check with our insurance. I really, really just feel like this isn't another 'fluke' thing that 'just happens'. Yes, I know God has a plan and all that, but I just feel like something's gotta be going on that I lost TWO babies at 14 weeks like that, another who died around 8 but I didn't lose until 12.

The doctor was so sweet, even gave me a hug when I got up to leave. I walked outside and the tears just wouldn't stop falling! Good thing I didn't have very far to drive because I couldn't see a thing with all the tears! She asked if I'm doing ok, I just told her I was emotional and it was hard because I was there, its not like I'm constantly in tears! I don't have time to just sit around and cry with my other 4 kiddos at home!

On a bright note I got my mothers ring today!!! I had 3 stones added to it- it's amazing how much bigger it looks! I'll have to try to get a good picture so you can see. But even when I picked that up (which was before the dr. appointment) I about began to cry, thinking of the three stones on there, the three babies in heaven. I did cry a bit on the way home.

Where I'm At

We had a really good weekend. Saturday morning we went to the Summerfest parade. It was so fun watching the kids' excitement! Abby really liked it too and it was great seeing her wave to the people and dance to music! My kids were so sweet with their candy- often giving it to the little boy next to us- and they still came home with a ton of candy! The boy's mom commented on how our kids are the most polite kids she's ever met (she must not be around many kids was Zach's comment)! We came home and just relaxed. The boys and Zach worked on making their new Lego's, Hannah played quietly in her room and I read and napped with Abby. That evening we went to the little carnival and blew some money on some of the games there. What a rip off! The kids had fun playing games though! They won a few cheap carny toys. Then we went to Wig & Pen for dinner- yum their pizza is awesome!

Sunday we had a great sermon in church- one I really want to go back and listen to and meditate on. The music was so fitting to 'me', yet also difficult. Sometimes I have to just hold back from singing so I don't cause a flood of tears. Other times I just need to marvel at the words of the songs. Sometimes its just difficult to sing the words. Last night a friend from college, Jenny, and her two kids plus another kid that's with them came to stay! They're on their way back to Oklahoma from Michigan. The kids are having a blast together and its been fun to catch up with Jenny. I'm amazed at how well the kids play- sometimes you just never know how well kids will get along! They'll leave tomorrow morning.

Speaking of tomorrow...I have my doctor appointment. I'm a bit nervous. I just have so many questions and I hope I remember to ask them all! Plus I STILL have my period and I really don't want to be 'checked' during that...maybe they'll hold off and still answer my questions! We also have ID appointments at the reserve base to get new military IDs and I have my 31 Gifts party. A busy, busy day tomorrow will be. I'm hoping to get to relax a bit also, and to prepare some food for the party and I still need to find a sitter for the kids! Yikes!

Emotionally, sometimes I'm doing ok. I'm still not 'good' though. Will I ever be? So many questions still swim through my mind, and it seems new ones keep popping up. It is still so difficult to see pregnant women and they're pretty hard to avoid! We just really desire to have a baby, still. Please pray for direction, that God would lead us to do what He desires.

Hip Hip Horray!!!

Hannah's home at last! We left yesterday afternoon and drove to a suburb of Minneapolis where we met up with my parents and Hannah. We had a good time going to dinner, swimming in the pool and hanging out a bit in the hotel (we had adjoining rooms, though I'm not sure Papa liked that too much)! Today we went to the Mall of America. We only went to go to The American Girl store and Legoland but we also walked around Nickelodeon Universe. It was SO fun watching the enthusiasm of Hannah in the AG store! I hope she fully absorbed it- it seemed she kept bouncing from one thing to the next! Her doll, April, got her hair done while we shopped around. Hannah picked up quite a few things today and we even got Abby a Bitty Baby Twin with blond hair and blue eyes! Next time we need to go on some of those rides- fun! We also got to 'see' Spongebob & Patrick. We spent wayyyy too much money on the kids today, but it was worth it!

We had a good ride home and stopped at this big Cabela's store in Owatonna, Minnesota. It's not nearly as great as the new Bass Pro Shop they just built around here. We also ate a great 'linner' at some nearby restaurant.

Zach had to pick up his car in Ames, since I met him at work. On the way between there and home I turned on our local Christian radio station. God was SO in that music! EVERY single song was meant for me...and I bawled a good portion of the way home! First was this Third Day song talking about God being there in teh sadness when no one else understands. Then that Blessed Be the Name of the Lord song by Matt Redman I mentioned not too long ago. Then I'll Fly Away. Seriously, I sobbed my eyes out on that one. THEN the one I blogged about What Faith Can Do. Really, God??? He's sure trying to get my attention!!! I needed that. Now to listen!

~F~I~V~E~

After I posted yesterday about waking up sad my mom called to tell me that Malachi and Nathaniel were going to be buried that day at noon. I just cried. Burial equals finality, to me. I'm so glad Malachi was finally moved up to Michigan, but to think that my pregnancy is really over with Nathaniel...I don't know sometimes it is still just a shock to me. Rather than counting up to my due date I'm counting the weeks that have gone by...today marks 5 weeks since we found out. I should be 23 weeks pregnant today :(

The only ones who were at the burial were the grave diggers, Sue (the lady from the funeral home), my mom and Hannah. Sue said a prayer, they all said The Lord's Prayer. I guess Hannah got a bit teary eyed. As soon as my mom called when it was over I lost it again. I was overcome with such sadness and emotion, but it felt so good to let it out. I'm finding I'm able to do that a bit easier these days. There have been days when I want to cry but I just can't!

I didn't want to do anything yesterday. We had a get-together for our small group but I was not in the mood to be around people. I didn't want to fake being happy or bring people down or even really see anybody. I just wanted to 'be'. Zach had brought home some work to do anyway. We watched a movie once the kids went to bed. I think maybe I kept keeping myself so busy that now all I want to do is be with my family. Or even my closest friends, those I can really open up to.

It's almost the middle of July (well it will be before we know it) and I still have to figure out school stuff for next year! I like to try to shop ebay or something for it all so I should get on the ball, but who can even think about that stuff? The only uncertainty I have with it all is with history. My kids haven't been enjoying The Mystery of History so we need to take a break from it. I'm just not sure what we'll do, but I think I'd like to focus on American history. Any ideas, please throw them out there!

Itch

I forgot to mention recently how we've already lived here in Iowa for 2 years! It's so hard to believe that much time has gone by! I'm thankful for all the people God has brought into our lives here. Even before we moved here I had friends (thanks to the internet). From churches to homeschool groups to friends I've met here or there its been awesome. I like that there are things to do here- good shopping, a bit of outdoor things, some smaller museums, a zoo. We live in a great neighborhood and have great neighbors. But I'm already beginning to get that 'itch'. I know much of it has to do with the loss of Nathaniel. I barely felt this way before everything happened. Now I just wish we lived on a base, had a military community and support system, especially when it comes to dealing with loss and the recent things going on at Zach's job. And to think we'd live in a probably new and much bigger house really makes me want out of here! I'd totally miss my friends, especially my two closest ones! Last night my Aunt & Uncle stopped in for a bit on their way to Oklahoma. My uncle is retired from the Army so they know all about military life. I love moving around and seeing new places, meeting new people, making a new house our home. So, pardon me while I itch a bit and think of the two remaining years here!

Cuddle time

This morning I awoke to such sweet cuddles and hugs from Abby. I loved every bit of it. But then my mind went to the cuddles I'll never receive from Nathaniel, the sweet times I'll never get to hold him or nurse him or hold him close and comfort him. It still breaks my heart. I miss my baby! Not to give you TMI, but I got my period yesterday. I'm trying to not be bitter about it as I think how I should be pregnant, not have that thing! I guess my body is 'on track' since its been a month, but why can't it be 'on track' when it comes to pregnancy. I've had some really good talks with people recently, my friend Kim who lives all the way in Georgia and my sister-in-law and I had a good talk, cry and prayer time on the phone. I'm so thankful for the people God had placed in my life at the right time to say the right things. It doesn't happen too often these days ;)

More Lyrics

I've heard this song in the past, but the other day after I had lunch with a friend this song was so timely as it came on the radio after our conversation. You can listen to it here. The lyrics just spoke to me that day as I sat and wondered, "Now what?" I still don't have the answer to that question, but anyway here are the lyrics. Well, I was going to paste them but its a mumbo jumbo so click here to view them!

~HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY~

I'm proud to be free, but so many of the freedoms that this country was founded on have been taken away from us or are slowly being taken away and that is scary.

I'm proud to live in a country that was founded on Christ, but to think how far this country has fallen causes me to cringe and lose a bit of that pride.

So you see, throughout the years slowly my pride for America has waned. I'm so thankful for those who have come here long before us to begin a nation that can freely worship Christ, but what has happened to that nation? Where are the values that were instilled in the children of William Bradford and the other Pilgrims that took the long journey across the vast ocean?

So it is with a thankful heart, yet a heavy heart that I celebrate this Independence Day. I'm so thankful that God has placed me in a country that is so much 'better off' than many other countries. I've no wont of food out of desperation, no fear of death or genocide and I have a steady roof over my head. I'm thankful I can still freely worship my Lord & Savior Jesus Christ. I'm thankful for the liberties we do still possess. But my heart is also heavy for the state of this land, for its people have fallen so far from the values that were instilled in the very first "Americans". So, today, instead of saying "God bless America" I'm going to steal a quote a friend had on facebook, "BLESS GOD, AMERICA." Let's fall on our knees and turn back to Him- let's make our forefathers proud and more importantly let's walk in obedience to God.

Happy Independence Day!

What Do I Say?

A month has passed and I wonder how it can be so. June 2nd, a day that we really looked forward to, a day that became a nightmare I didn't think I could live through again, and yet here I am. I can't even believe its been a month. A month from this moment I lay in a hospital bed getting prepped to deliver our dead baby. I was in shock. I was nervous. I just wanted the whole physical part to be done with so I could deal with the rest. And I still feel like I haven't completely dealt with it. But I guess that's how grief is. You don't just 'get over it' and move on. Sometimes you're just immobile, stuck in place wondering how on earth you ended up where you are. Sometimes you think maybe you took a step toward healing when, "WHAM" it hits you yet again. Just little things. Tonight just driving to the grocery store I began to cry for what I no longer 'have'. It is so hard to cling, to hold on to the HOPE I have. But I do. I am still not functioning properly, if that makes sense. I just 'get by'. I do what I have to do, but nothing more. I think the most difficult thing right now is me caring for my kids. I just don't want to do it. I LOVE them, I'm THANKFUL for them but it seems like such a HARD task sometimes. The tiniest, littlest things set me off! I remember it being the same after I lost Malachi. So, that's where I'm at. I still miss my baby like crazy, I miss being pregnant like nothing else and I just hurt. Even when I'm having a good time, still in the back of my mind lies my sorrow- it is part of me now, ever present. I'm thankful for your prayers, love and all through this time! Please keep it up- its a long road and I'm nowhere near the 'end' of it. I need you to walk alongside me, to pick me up when I fall and to hold my had- to cry with me, laugh with me, remember with me!

Randoms

Abby is so funny. She's playing with her dollhouse and was saying, "Ma, ma, ma" trying to get my attention. I say a word that I think she's trying to say until I finally look- she had the man on the potty and she was saying, "Poo!" She's such a goofy kid!

When I was putting her for a nap she happened to pull my shirt wide open, trying to peer down it! Hmm, maybe she's seen her daddy try that trick too many times? ;)

We're trying to figure out what to do with our we're going to do with our weekend. I totally don't want to go out of town but at the same time I'm afraid if we stick at home Zach will get called to work to deal with the 'issue'. It is all so ridiculous. Last night I completely flipped out about it- full blown tears, just so angry! I feel like because of the stress of work I can't deal with grieving Nathaniel. WHY should MY husband have to 'support' some other woman? She got herself into her own mess...ohhh it is such a nightmare! And of course, I'm hormonal, grieving, post-partum so everything to me is just magnified right now. I remember after Malachi too, things would just easily upset me. Today I got a statement in the mail from anesthesia and it really, really hit home- especially when I saw the terms vag. delivery & D&C. I just want to cry out, "IT'S NOT FAIRRRRRR!!!!!!" To which I hear a little voice nag, "Life isn't fair, Jamie."

Today marks 4 weeks. 4 long, miserable weeks. When I wonder where June went I cringe. What a horrible month and yet I didn't' want it to be over. That means...I don't know what it means. More time has passed since I was pregnant, more time has passed since I held my baby, time is creeping closer to my due date, I think about how my belly 'would' be right now...it just hurts. Will the pain go away? Will it ease? I was talking to my friend yesterday. Her little brother died almost a year ago (he was 17). I remember that day so well. I cried, I grieved and I barely knew her brother, yet I felt like I knew him through her. She was talking about her mom and how her mom was doing well with the grief but now it's starting to surface again...I imagine since it's coming close to the year mark. While other's go on, us mother's, we mark each little date about our lost children and grieve, almost silently, for them. My friend wrote a wonderful poem.

Today there was a loss A silent loss One of hundreds of thousands felt all over the world...If you looked at me you would not be able to tell But none the less I feel the emptiness What millions hope, dream and pay money for I morn bitterly Today there was a loss A silent loss Life goes on, try again, it was never really there These sayings ring through the air As if these people really even care Easy to say You did not just lose a piece of yourself Today there was a loss A silent loss Force yourself to smile As the people walk by or call or stand there talking about themselves They will never know Say something and you are looking for sympathy Stay silent and die inside alone God knows...Today there was a loss A silent loss You are never alone Your loss is not your own We are a silent army who are plagued with the badge Those who carry for awhile But miss it so bad.

By Carrie Farris

In other news, my boys have been sooooo hyper! It is really driving me crazy. And I'm always at the end of my rope and just 'lose it' so easily these days. I feel so bad and yet I feel like I can't stop myself, if that makes sense. Good thing its a long weekend!

Party time

We had a surprise promotion party for Zach today! I'm not sure he's ever had a luncheon or anything before! Most people from his work aren't here as they're at training, its just Zach & the commander and then the secretary, Carla. Carla and CO's wife made all the food and it was our family, the commander's family and Carla & her husband. They gave me flowers and even gave the kids a bag with a bunch of toys! They had delicious food and cake and did a little ceremony. We even got to punch Zach's stripes on him! That, too, was a first! It was really a special time, especially in light of all the other stuff going on at work! The commander is new here and his wife seems really nice- they seem real down to earth. Zach was real surprised- he had no clue at all! It sure was fun keeping it a secret the past two days! To think that in a few short hours he'll be a Master Sergeant! I know he's really excited to wear that extra stripe!

Oh and I had fun talking to the boys about it this morning and showing them the difference between a Tech Sgt stripe and Master Sgt stripe! Fun stuff :) I'm proud of you, Zach! Not many people make it to Master and those that do don't normally hit it at 11 1/2 years! You ROCK!!!

A Par-tay

I'm having a party and you're all invited! I know some of you live away and maybe you saw me post about it on facebook. Check out www.mythirtyone.com/18830. Even if you don't want to order anything just check out their products- they are SO cute! Purses, handbags, bags! My mom and I went to a party when she was here and I fell in love with it all, but held myself back and only ordered one thing (which is on back order, boo). A week later I couldn't stop thinking about the stuff, "Oohh I wish I had that bag to use for this" so I decided heck, I'll just have a party! Normally the only types of parties I do are Pampered Chef once a year :) And I know a few of you crafty ones could make these types of things yourselves...I'm just not crafty :) Enjoy looking!

Breakdown

I just think sometime I'm going to have a mental breakdown. Or a heart attack or something. The stress at Zach's job...it is really getting to me. I cannot share details, probably, though I'd like to spill all. I was 'fine' today until more work stuff. Pretty much, why should Zach (and the commander who has a wife and kids of his own) have to care for another woman??? I don't care the predicament you're in, it actually makes me livid (single and pregnant). It's not right. We need to be dealing with our 'issues' right now not hers...really it is making me lose my mind (and tongue).

Desperate

Zach shared this song with me last night. Wow, it couldn't explain my feelings any more!!! You can listen to it here, but here are the lyrics:

Desperate by Fireflight

Seek and you will find, they say

but I've been looking everyday

for a way past this wall that's in front of my face.

I'm on hands and knees searching for my faith.

I know there's so much at stake

but I don't know if I can take one more pat on the back saying I'll be okay.

Can't you see me whole life is in disarray?

You've got me desperate.

I know You hear me,

Would You give me a sign?

Reel me in before I've fallen in line.

You've put me on a path I don't understand

I'm standing on a ledge waving my hands.

You've got me desperate (do You see me?)

Desperate (do You hear me?)

Desperate (will You help me?)

You've got me desperate.

I know You're my only hope

The only One who truly knows how it feels,

what it's like when it all starts to fall

You're the One I can trust who hears when I call.

You've got me desperate.

I know You hear me,

Would You give me a sign?

Reel me in before I've fallen in line.

You've put me on a path I don't understand

I'm standing on a ledge waving my hands.

You've got me desperate (do You see me?)

Desperate (do You hear me?)

Desperate (will You help me?)

You've got me desperate.

Some things I'll never figure out

Until I let hope erase my doubt.

You've got me desperate.

I know You hear me,

Would You give me a sign?

Reel me in before I've fallen in line.

You've put me on a path I don't understand,

I'm standing on a ledge waving my hands.

You've got me desperate (do You see me?)

Desperate (do You hear me?)

Desperate (will You help me?)

You've got me desperate.

You've got me desperate. (Oh do You see me?)

Desperate (do You hear me?)

Desperate (will You help me?)

You've got me desperate!

Some LIGHT in this storm!

• I heard from the funeral home in MI today. The people in MS got our paperwork to move Malachi and they'll do that tomorrow!! Wow! I was hoping it wouldn't take long! We thought it may costs thousands of dollars and were prepared to just dish it out. Well, they're going to mail him from MS to MI and with the shipping and the prep that the MS funeral home has to do it will only cost $150!!! Praise the Lord!!!
• In THREE days Zach sews on his stripe for Master Sergeant! Many people retire as Tech Sergeants and here he is, 11 1/2 years in the Air Force and a Master! I can't tell you how proud of him I am! He's worked so hard and that hard work is paying off! Again, God is good!
• Another bonus to that is a pay raise :) We were just talking the other day about how certain jobs make so much money (like selling a house) and yet our soldiers & US military make diddly- so little that we qualify for WIC! Crazy! But we're so thankful for every bit we get, we're thankful for the awesome health coverage (so far) and the job stability!
• I had a good morning out with friends. We took our kids to the splash park and then ate lunch at Ihop (after all, kids eat free on Mondays)! Us three moms walked in with our 9 kids and the guy asked if we're a daycare! It was too funny! I wanted to pipe in that we were actually missing quite a few with Hannah gone, my three heavenly babies and my friend's heavenly one! Plus there was one in a womb!
• It seems that maybe now we're going to turn a new leaf and have some good workers at Zach's job. More details on that to come another day...

Holdin' On

I sit and I think of what ‘should have’ been. I wish I could rewind time, to go back to that dreadful day of our ultrasound and change the facts. I picture that day like it happened today. I wish the ultrasound tech would have turned to us with a big smile on her face and announced, “Well, it’s a healthy little boy!” Instead, it was silence. I just want to go back, to rewind to the day my baby died, somewhere around 14 weeks. Can’t God just save him? I want him! I’m so empty, so very empty. The pain inside of me is so deep, the emptiness unbearable. I think, “I ‘should’ be 20 something weeks” and I try not to think of how I’d feel our little son kicking. I cannot even rest my hands upon my stomach for that pain, emptiness rips at my heart. I know there’s a reason. I know God has a plan but I still question, “Why?” I often wonder if I did something wrong, ate something bad or just plain didn’t eat right at all. Yet I know that it would have happened regardless of what I ate or didn’t eat, because it was all in His plan. But again I ask, “Why?” I can’t seem to get past the whys or the emptiness or the pain of it all. I lie in bed looking at Abby and thinking how I’ll never get that with Nathaniel. I want to shout, “IT’S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Sometimes I want to shout to the world how unfair it all is. They’re living life, going about the day to day, while I’m hurting and missing my son and my pregnant belly. To those who don’t even know I sometimes want to say, “Do you know my baby died and I’m hurting? Can you help me?” Even now, with my house full with my children I sit and think how it ‘should’ be fuller. We ‘should’ have two other children running around and I ‘should’ be waddling around in anticipation of our new one. And yet here I am. Stuck. Stuck in my pain, held in my emptiness. I know God is here, right here, holding on to me and carrying me and yet I just don’t want to give Him the pain, I don’t want to accept the fact that this is really happening. Because then what? People will say to ‘move on.’ I will never ‘move on.’ Sure, I’ll slowly move forward at some point, but for now…I am here in this spot.

Thoughtfulness

Today we went to a BBQ our church had. It was so hot, so we only stayed for a little while. Plus, we don't know many people so that's always a bit weird too. Anyway, we ran into the funeral director, Brent. He walked up to me and asked how we were doing, even telling me he tried to call this week to see how we are. When I told my mom she said he'd even called her phone to see how she is. I just have to say how thoughtful that is! I mean, he's not a friend, he's done his 'job' and could easily just move on, doing his job. But, he's allowing God to use him- it's awesome to see too because he's a new Christian. I'm just so touched by people's kindness.

Also, I think I forgot to mention that when I was getting my pedicure done my doctor called me. All the tests they ran on me, the chromosome test they ran on Nathaniel and the tests they ran on the placenta came back normal. So once again we have no 'answer' as to why this happened. I didn't think it would 'bother' me but it kind of does. I mean, if I had an 'answer' like "You have a blood clotting disorder" or something then I'd know how to 'fix' it. In this case I have nothing. Just my little string of faith in God. And that's better than anything else, I know, but sometimes it's just hard to go on! The doctor was so kind also, to ask how I'm doing. It was hard because here I am getting a pedicure and I just wanted to cry! I was honest, saying I'm doing ok. I see her in like a week and a half so I guess she's going to go over the tests with me and all. Just one more person doing their job and showing kindness. She didn't have to call me after 6 pm!

hehe

Ok, my next post will be the 1500th. Wow! Wonder if I should somehow make it special? Anyway, THIS post is to say I have a new tracking thing on the side of my blog, so now I can see who visits when and where those people are from. So now I know when YOU come to my blog, read and don't leave me a comment :) C'mon I like my comments to know people are actually reading :) Am I sneaky or what? hehehe

**Editor's note: I went through and deleted all drafts and I'm only at like 1470 posts so I have a way to 1500...a little way :)

More of my thoughts

I'm reading this fiction book I picked up from a garage sale. It's pretty good, but also a bit trashy in a few spots. Anyway, all these women in the book are having babies and surprisingly that doesn't bother me. One of the ladies babies died when he was 10 weeks old and so it also shares her story in that (I had NO idea about that when I picked up the book). Anyway, so Lia is hanging out with these three other women, all first time mothers. At one point she's asked if it bothers her (with the babies there) and she hit the nail on the head by saying something like, "It's not my friend's babies that bother me but sometimes a strangers." Wow! How true that is! It's not my friends babies or pregnant bellies that bother me but sometimes I see a stranger who is pregnant and my blood almost boils! When I took the kids to the library days ago so many women there were pregnant. I just wanted to scream out, "I should be in your group too!!!" At this point seeing babies doesn't make me mad, just sad for what I'm not going to have.

The other night when I got my pedicure with my friend/neighbor it was so good to just talk. She doesn't have children. She's been married 4 years and hasn't been able to get pregnant yet. I know some of you can relate. It was almost like she could understand my pain, although hers is a different kind of loss. Just saddens me that those of us who want to be mothers sometimes can't be and those who shouldn't be mothers are having babies!

Day

So as I was bringing the dog to the vet and groomer today I turned on the radio. The song that was on is one of my favorites, but it's hard to listen to it these days. The song is Blessed Be Your Name by Matt Redman. If you don't know it you can check out the lyrics here or even listen to it here. The part that really gets me these days is "You give and take away..." Anyway, so that song was on, the end of it and then it ended. But all of a sudden I just totally got so sad I could've bawled right there driving by Wal-Mart! I'm telling you this so you know that's it is just random things that trigger a 'memory' or trigger the emotions. I was also thinking how the last time I took Daisy to Petsmart I was still pregnant. It's like it just floods your mind sometimes. You don't even try to think about it, it just pops into your head. Those of you who have been here, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.

Also, we only needed to get 2 cemetery plots. The babies will be buried in one spot together and then when I die I'll be buried with them (I guess normally they are 'with' their mother). So that was cool and saves us $200! Thank you VERY much Mom for doing all this legwork for us!!! What a great help she is! She went today and picked out the plots. I'm sure that wasn't easy for her. Like, "Hmmm, where do I want my daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren buried?" I couldn't imagine.

So that's the 'day'. This evening, providing Zach gets home on time (another post is needed for THAT) I'm going to go and get a pedicure with my neighbor! I haven't had one in over 2 years (I don't think I've had one since before we moved here) and I'm really looking forward to it, especially after how stressful this week has been!

Children

I know I blog about me, me, me. It is my blog after all :) And lately a lot of it has been about me, as opposed to sharing about my kiddos. Well, today I'm going to share a bit about them. You know, it's not just Zach and I 'suffering' from losing a child. Our children also lose out on having a baby brother. Just one less playmate. One less seat at the table filled.

The other day I went out to lunch with the "Air Force wives." There was a 7 month old baby there. Abby loves, loves, loves babies! Just the other day I caught her holding her baby against her, patting her back and saying, "Shhhh." Priceless. So at lunch the other day Abby sat by baby A for awhile. And it was so cute to watch her smile at the baby! When I held little A for awhile Abby just loved it. And I began to cry. To think that she has to miss out on having a little brother. She adores babies so much and she would've loved mama to have a baby!

Then there's Gabe. I remember two different times when we'd gotten together with some friends. Little F is just a little younger than Abby. F was climbing up and down the stairs and doing just fine and her mother was not concerned in the least, but Gabe was right there behind her, making sure she didn't fall! What a big heart! At lunch the other day Gabe started to play with baby A, getting her to laugh. He totally enjoyed it and I loved seeing the smile on his face, yet it also saddened me a bit. Gabe loves babies. He's so good with them. And he too is missing out on the chance to entertain and love on his baby brother.

Same with Josiah and Hannah. I know some boys just don't care about babies, it's just not so much a 'boy' thing. But boy, my boys just love babies! If a baby sits in front of us in church their attention will be on that baby and they'll just get smiles on their faces to see those babies. I know how excited they were to have another baby in the house and now that's no longer going to happen. It just stinks to think how they too miss out on the joys of a baby.

Hannah is much older now than when Abby was born. She's such a huge help with Abby. But for her to be able to learn to care for a newborn- what better way to learn to be a mama than to help with your siblings! And now she too is missing out on learning more. It just devastates me. It's one thing to know that Zach and I miss out on the baby and grieve for him, but to know that my children also lose out on it...it just crushes the heart.

Today is 3 weeks since I delivered Nathaniel. Where has that time gone? Will it get easier? More and more trials keep popping up that it seems it ll never get better and yet I have a tiny thread of hope, just a fraying string, that yes at some point things will indeed get better.

Things you wish you didn't have to think about

Well, on one note I "must" be getting better for I picked up a (normal) book again. By normal I mean one that is fiction, one that is not about babies dying.

Anyway, I'm getting off track. So, I can't really remember if I told you all or not that we're going to have Malachi moved up to be buried in Michigan also. We meant to do it years ago, but moved and needed that money for the move so it never did get done (for those of you who are 'new' here Malachi is buried in Mississippi, which is where we lived before we moved to Iowa). Well we decided since we're having Nathaniel buried up there we may as well have Malachi as well. Boy, just for a cemetery plot is is $200!!! It would be $100 if we were "residents of the village of B" but since we don't reside in B we have to pay the higher price. Too bad, but none of our parents are 'in' the village either. Zach's to the point where he doesn't care the cost of it all, let's just do it and get it over with. I hope its not some drawn out process....I just want them buried too! We're getting three plots- one for the babies to share and one for Zach & I. He wanted to get 5 or something but I said we don't need that many because I'm not counting on our living children dying! Of course we never do know...

It's stuff like this you just don't think about. It stinks to have to deal with it and think about it. Good thing the funeral homes are so helpful or I'd really be a mess! And at least both Zach and I will have 'plots' now, although we also did down at the National Cemetery in Biloxi. Let's hope neither of us has to use them for awhile!

The Land of the "Almost" Forgotten

I almost hesitate to post what's on my mind. I hate that! Yet it is my desire to be honest, not just for you readers, but for myself! This is my 'journal'. So, my mind is what you'll see (I know, I know, scary though)! Gosh, I must be feeling 'ok' to joke :)

Anyway, I've just been thinking lately. There are a few things that weigh heavier on my mind, and of course they have to do with losing Nathaniel. One of them is...feeling forgotten. Maybe it's the books I read that also triggered this thought, I don't know. Anyway, just hear me out (or read).

When we first found out Nathaniel died and shared the news WOW we had such an outrageous response! The love, prayers, notes, tears, etc was just AMAZING! It got us through that time, in addition to GOD of course. That first week home was still amazing. We received meals, cards, phone calls, flowers, prayers. I know I still haven't been good about returning some of those calls, but just the voicemail left meant the world to me. People knew we were hurting. They were hurting too. They were praying for us and letting us know. It was awesome.

Tomorrow will be 3 weeks since we got the news about Nathaniel. Sometimes I just want to cry out, "STOP!!! Life can't go on!!! I don't want to live another day without my baby!" No, not a suicidal thought, simply a thought that I just want to remember the time I carried him, the time he was here with me, inside of me, even if he wasn't growing anymore. Yet, it's been 3 weeks. People have lives to lead, vacations to take, books to read, kids to raise. I know that. I'm 'cool' with that. I'm sure some people think, "C'mon girl, it's been 3 weeks....get over it!" Honestly, I don't care what people think. I want to grieve my son, the boy I never got to know.

My point is....people move on and yet I'm 'stuck'. Because I don't want to 'move on' right now. I just finished a book about losing your child, the one you never knew (thanks, Jamie) and it talked about giving it all to God. What if I don't want to right now? Honestly. I KNOW He is here. I KNOW He is holding me (and better yet, He is holding my son in His heavenly arms). But I want to remember. I want to mourn. I want to grieve. And yet I feel 'forgotten'.

The phone calls have dwindled, the messages have pretty much ceased, the notes saying 'We're praying' have no longer been penned. And that is OK. I need to learn to lean on God during this time. But it also makes me sad. I don't want people to forget. Not just my sweet boy and all that he meant to our family, but I don't want them to forget 'me' right now. Because I am only 'ok' and sometimes I'm not even that. Sometimes I'm a little better than that.

This isn't a post to you so you can start feeling bad or chastise me or whatever. It is simply my heart. And I do have a few of my friends who have been WONDERFUL through it all and I thank you. And I do have my Lord to lean on and that's what I need to do. So please, if nothing else pray that I will slowly begin to do so, to lean on His everlasting arms, that I'll begin to give my hurts and pain over to Him.

I love you all!

**It's also not a post 'begging' anybody to do the things mentioned above. Simply my heart being poured out...

THREE!!

Three posts in one day! Guess it takes a tragedy to get me to start blogging again! I just feel like such a loser today. I'm glad Zach doesn't want to do much because seriously I just can't get into it. I just feel real down in the dumps today, like I could just have a good cry. So hon, I'm sorry if I'm not the best wife today. I do love you and wish this Father's Day could be different...June 3 changed so many things.

Girl's Night

Last night my friend, Sadie, and I went out. It's surprising considering we were so indecisive about what to do :) We finally decided to drive out to Jordan Creek in West Des Moines since neither of us have been there too often. We figure they'd have different eating venues and we could walk around the mall. We ate at Champps, which was pretty good (they had waffle fries-yummy). It was something I felt like I really needed, just some girl time. Sure, I just had my mom here and we did get to go out alone sometimes, but I just really craved my 'girl time'.

We walked around the mall, browsing through some stores. We'd hit stores like Gymboree, The Children's Place and Crazy 8 and look at all their deals, but then be like, "Boy, there's nothing our kids need right now." Plus, who can justify spending X amount of dollars on something when its garage sale season? We did go to Bath & Body Works and I just have to tell you how proud I am of myself! I spent only $3!!!! That's the least I've ever spent there! I'm so proud I didn't go overboard but only got little things, only one of which was 'needed'!

After we browsed the mall we got ice cream from Coldstone. Well, Sadie went healthy on me and got a smoothie! I got chocolate ice cream with Oreos AND hot fudge! I wanted chocolate! I couldn't even finish it though, it was so sweet. We had such a good time just enjoying our cold treats and talking. Sharing stories, sharing bits of our past, talking about kids, sharing laughs and a couple of tears. That's what friendships are all about. I'm so thankful for the friend's God has given me.

Celebrations?

It is so hard to celebrate little things when you're dealing with grief. It is Father's Day. I'm very thankful to my own father, who adopted me many, many years ago, although I'd always been 'his'. I'm thankful for the father of my children- he loves them so much, is leading us in the Lord and is such a playful and fun daddy!

But it's hard to celebrate these days when you think of the others that should be here. To think of the ruckus it could be with 2 other children running around and another in my womb! To think of the delight as our table was filled full of children making Father's Day cards of their own accord this morning, not just of two little boys writing 'Happy Dad's Day' and a little girl eating her oatmeal. Shouldn't it be full with a 3 and 2 year old, happily scribbling out cards for daddy? And what about our oldest daughter, off to Michigan, getting to celebrate the day with her Papa? What about the other little baby, the one who should be kicking and squirming in my womb, little Nathaniel? Shouldn't he be here, giving his daddy kicks as we lie in bed tonight?

Someday. Someday. That is the hope I have. Someday we will all be together and what a glorious day that will be! Not only will we be reunited with our children, but with our Savior, Jesus! On that day I will be able to sing the sweet praises I wasn't able to sing this morning. I tried but with every word more tears threatened to spill over, so I silently stood listening to the congregation. One day again, one day soon, I will again sing those songs to my Savior. Now I just listen to the words, bask in them, knowing He loves me.

Happy Father's Day to you Daddies! Remember to raise your children in God's ways!

~~SWEET~~

Things we shouldn't have to plan...

Now that my mom is back in Michigan and took Nathaniel's body we need to think about burial stuff. We thought the M's had a plot at the cemetery in Michigan where we'd like both of our boys (eventually) to be buried, but I guess they really don't. So, Zach called the funeral home up in Michigan and we tried to figure out some things, things we really *shouldn't* even have to think about.

First, we decided we're finally going to move Malachi up to Michigan. We keep talking about it but haven't done anything about it, mostly because of the financial aspect. At this point we're thinking we can have both boys buried in the same spot, and rather than paying for them to dig twice, we may as well just do it all now. That way they'll 'be together' (although we know they're really in heaven). And we can have all this part of it all eventually behind us, and we'll be able to visit both boys' graves when we go home.

So, we'll probably end up getting three cemetery plots up there, one for the babies and one for Zach and I. I figure (hopefully) we won't need any for the kids! By the time they grow up and have their own families who knows where they'd wanna be! This kind of thing must have been easier in the olden days, when families all lived near one another and buried their loved ones on the land. They were all near each other and they probably didn't have to "plan" how many plots to get. It's not like we all sit down and plan this sort of thing out, ya know?

On a bit of a brighter note we went to the park today and had a picnic. The kiddos had a blast. It was really neat because a bluebird flew up real near us. I didn't see it right away but Zach pointed it out. Immediately I thought of Nathaniel. It was little things like that that made me think of Malachi also. Almost like God sends His creatures as a reminder of our loved ones with Him, if that makes sense. I remember last week when we'd taken a walk along the trial to the park there was a butterfly. I have never seen a butterfly the colors of it before- it was black with this cool green color- so beautiful! Immediately then too I thought of Nathaniel. I love the little 'reminders'. Not reminders of him, I could never forget him, but just reminders of God's goodness.

I'm slowly coming around to all that God & goodness stuff!

Morning/Mourning

This morning the gang was up early. Right away I could hear my boys telling Hannah goodbye, as if she was leaving that very moment. All morning long that's all they would say. I awoke too tired as it was just after 7, I think, and I have been going to bed so late (that's the only way I 'cope' at night). So I was rather cranky in my head, then to think that Hannah AND my mom were leaving. What a heavy heart I woke up with, to my already heavy heart! When it was time for them to leave Hannah came and sat on my lap and I just held her and cried, telling her how much I'll miss her. She got a bit teary too. I got up and hugged my mom goodbye and cried even more. Then we went outside to see them off and the boys and Abby started to wave goodbye and I just stood there, with Abby in my arms, sobbing. I was sobbing loudly too! Gabe even said that my crying was going to make him cry! Sweet boy! It was so hard to see my mom go and to let Hannah go. I wanted to cry out, "Don't leave!!!! I need you here with me!" But alas they are gone and I've cried off and on. We've talked on the phone a few times. My stepdad just called me to see if Hannah is really on the way there and I began to cry again. It is so weird here without her!

After they left I just turned on the TV for the kids and just spaced out. My mom then called to say she was on the road (she had to stop at the funeral home to pick up Nathaniel as he'll be buried in MI). I was talking to her and all of a sudden the tornado sirens started to go off! The boys began to freak out, I frantically told my mom what was going on and tried to get us all int he basement! The dog freaked out and wouldn't come downstairs so I had to lock her up and have Josiah carry her down. I was a bit freaked out, but trying not to show it because the boys were scared enough. We huddled under the basement steps, Abby playing with a teddy bear and the boys and I talking. I'd come up once in awhile to check on things. The sky looked wicked crazy for awhile and it was so eerie because it was just so calm- no rain, no wind, nothing. But I'd heard we were supposed to get crazy winds. The sirens would keep going off and freak the boys even more! Thankfully we got some gusts, but nothing serious. It did begin raining, thundering and lightning but it wasn't that horrible. Finally I decided it was safe to come back upstairs and at that point my friend texted me to tell me the severe thunderstorm warning was over. Phew! What a relief! It was such an eventful morning that when Zach got home at 12:30 I took Abby upstairs and napped with her! Too many emotions for such a short time span!

Mommies with Hope

I came home with such a heavy heart. To hear the story of each woman, to understand the grief they've gone through. Wow. And to know that they made it through! To see the faith they have! God is amazing.

A gal, A, picked me up. We go to the same church, are now facebook friends, but hadn't met until she picked me up. She hit a few garage sales on the way (my type of friend lol) and locked her keys in her car at one! We waited for her hubby to come and it seemed like no time at all. Amazing how grief can unite people. And its a good thing she picked me up early- we weren't even late!

What an 'amazing' time. Each woman shared her story. There were tears. Some happened years ago, some more recent. Some were 'miscarriages' and others were born and died shortly after birth due to this or that, but each was a BABY. One lady gave her child up for adoption over 20 years ago and is grieving in her own way. There were 7 women there and between us we have 12 babies in heaven. Two women lost twins. Just so very sad. It was so nice to talk to people and have them sitting there shaking their heads in complete understanding. It was awesome to see the faith, to hear how God will get us through. Of course I know that, but lately I haven't really cared about that. It's not like I would ever turn my back on God, I NEVER would and I see His Hand everywhere through this pain, but sometimes I just don't want to 'give it to Him'. Sometimes I don't want to see His Hand. Sometimes I don't want His comfort. I just want to question, to sit in my grief and not seek His comfort. Does that make sense?

It was also very sweet....there were these beautiful flowers on the table and apparently they were for me. How SWEET!!! Thank you, T!

I feel like I can't even fully describe the meeting to you. It is amazing there is something like this- a faith based ministry for women grieving their babies.

Ok, my mind is blank now. It's been a crazy morning (for another post) and I need to get my kiddos lunch.

Bloggy look

So I like my new background. It's not as perky and I like the one heart in the clouds deal. But how can I liven it up? Anyone know if I can do something cute with my header? Or change my font? I know I did it all once before, but that was awhile ago!

I can't see clearly through the fog

I was sitting here trying to come up with a positive upbeat post, but really I have no idea what to post. I even lack what I should put on facebook now. It's not like 'good' things aren't happening around here, but they're just clouded by the grief. Last night we had a BBQ with our Bible study group at the 'lake'. It was fun, but really I know I would've had a whole lot MORE fun if I weren't grieving. I feel like sure, I can have a good time, but really I'm not having as good a time as I 'could'. Does that make sense? Even if I'm not thinking about 'it' 'it' is still there somehow. So, last night it was just Zach, the three older kids and I. My mom stayed at home with Abby. That was nice because we didn't have to watch a toddler and could just sit back, since the others are quite older. I'm sure my mom enjoyed the one-on-one with Ab's too! But at the same time, it was so weird without her....like there was a piece missing. And it got me thinking of how Hannah's leaving and that piece will be missing...and how really there are 3 pieces missing.

Today Hannah is off with her friend, K. K's grandparents 'run' a campground so they went there for lunch and possibly to the butterfly garden. Their friend T also went along. I'm so glad Hannah's able to do this before she leaves! But it also gives me a sense of what it'll be like when she's gone, even though my mom is here. It's just weird. I was resting/napping on the couch and I know Ab is sleeping upstairs, the boys were drawing at the table and I kept thinking Han was upstairs playing!

My mom and I cleaned the house this morning. It was nice to have the help and I'm thankful its clean, for a short time! There, that's a positive :)

I've been wanting to go and get a pedicure. I wanted to with my mom when she was here, but it never happened. Things have just been busy. I really just wanna sit and relax and be 'pampered'. Not like I've been doing much, because I haven't, but, well...I just want a break from reality.

Tonight I'm going to the Mommies with Hope group. I am really looking forward to it. I've already been emailing two of the gals from the group. Totally a Godsend! I was telling somebody that when I went through this with Malachi in Mississippi I didn't feel like I would need a group like this, but this time I really feel like i need it (its weird too, because both places I've had exceptional, wonderful friends that have been here for me). Is this why God landed us in Iowa!?! I'm sure it will be a bit sad, heart-wrenching, difficult, but I also expect it to be encouraging, uplifting and refreshing! Hopefully my next post will be able to describe for you what it was like. And too bad there aren't more of these around for the many people who suffer the loss of their babies.

prayer

This is from the book Grieving the Child I Never Knew:

Lord, should I really be feeling this way about losing my child? Am I making too much out of this loss? I know others don't understand how I feel. Help me to forgive the peole who try to minimize the pain. My loss was a child, not a mistake or clump of cells. My child was a part of me. You understand. You created my precious baby. It's comforting to know You saw my child in my womb and know my child by name. My child has value in Your eyes. Give me courage to grieve and validate my pain. You are my Creator, the One who can form my loss into something good in time. Amen.

One thousand times AMEN!!!!

From Amy...

Read this...great info!

DISTURBED

Today on facebook I posted something generally the same as what I blogged about earlier...about it being 2 weeks and how I "should" be 20 weeks. I got a comment:

but what about the 4 wonderful treasures you have here? Please don't let the ones in heaven take away from the joy and good times with the ones He left here with you. You get to decide what you dwell on. (said in a sympathetic, calming tone of voice, Jamie, cuz I feel just awful you keep having to go through this.)

For REAL? Really? Did you JUST SAY THAT????????????? That is ONE thing people should NEVER say to someone who lost a child/baby! It is just unreal how people act like just because I never "met" my baby or my baby never breathed a breath that people think we shouldn't grieve. I guess if you haven't been in this boat you just don't understand (some people more than others), but come on!!! I got a couple of private messages about how this comment disturbed other people- one who is in the boat with me right now and one who's never been in the boat. They were pretty much appalled and like one said, if you lost your mother its not like people would say, "Oh suck it up, you still have your dad!"

And you know something? I DO treasure my children! I DO enjoy them! I AM thankful for them. Even more so NOW than 2 weeks ago. I KNOW how blessed I am. But seriously, I will grieve for my baby. I will miss him. He was "supposed" to be a part of our family HERE on earth! I will continue to be honest in my feelings both here and on facebook. I will always be me and no matter what anybody says, I will not keep my mouth shut (well in regards to my feelings)- its just not who I am!

I know people mean well. I know maybe they just don't know what to say. I know they try to be encouraging. But seriously, THINK before you SAY something...you just never know if what you're saying doesn't quite come out right or isn't taken the way maybe it was "meant" to be. If you haven't been in this boat, you just 'don't get it'! And I'm quite thankful for those of you who haven't had to be here! I'm also thankful that all of my great friends who HAVEN'T been where I'm at have been super supportive and not said anything STUPID!

thanks for the reminder...

Last night I saw my 'calendar' icon on my phone and wondered what that was all about. I opened it up, and saw that it said 20 weeks. I didn't think I would be able to breath. Thanks for the bittersweet reminder, phone. I must have set it weeks or a month ago...talk about a slap in the face!

I feel like I'm now counting backwards. I should be 20 weeks today. Instead I'm thinking how it's been 2 weeks since we found out our baby boy died. 2 weeks! It seems like just yesterday but it also seems like a lifetime ago. Yesterday we went to the zoo. It was good. It felt 'normal'. Until we stopped to eat lunch and the whole 'physical' part of after having a 'baby' hit me. That is something that makes me so mad!!! I shouldn't be bleeding! I should be carrying a baby within! Then last night I went to a 'party' for 31 gifts, some new thing (they sell cute purses/bags/handbags). Just simple things, yet sometimes I have a hard time enjoying them. There were some moments when I questioned why I was there. Sure, I had a good time and I'm glad I went, but geez it is hard when something just hits you. It didn't help that there were pregnant women there. That's something I really struggle with, yet I know it has to be normal. Especially when they begin talking about things related to pregnancy. I "should" have been joining in the conversation. Instead I wanted to run out of that house like it was on fire! And its not like everyone there knew my situation. It's not like my pregnant friends can't talk about being pregnant! It's not like I'm not happy for pregnant people. But gosh, it is hard! It stinks in the worst way.

Gabe has really been throwing crying fits about everything lately. I'm not sure if its just him, if its us not disciplining him or if its his way of dealing with things. Otherwise, the kids seem to be fine dealing with it. Maybe because my mom is here and we're kept busy with that? Maybe it will change when she leaves.

Speaking of leaving, she's heading out on Friday and she's taking my oldest, my dear daughter, my helper! It's hard enough for me to think that she's leaving, but the fact that Hannah's going to be gone for a couple of weeks makes me unable to breathe! I'm so scared to be 'alone' to care for my other kids. Will I be able to handle it? Will I flip out? What will I do with myself? I'm sure I'll be fine, but I'm just so worried about it all! Then I worry about Hannah...what if this happens or what if that happens. I totally trust my mom, but its normal to worry, right? Last night I had a nightmare that my mom was in a car accident and I think she died. Was Hannah in that car too???

Yesterday I received another little package from my best friend. The first was a book called, "Grieving the Child I Never Knew" and it has been wonderful to read that what I'm feeling is 'normal'. Yesterday, she had sent me 7 cards! She didn't know which one to pick as she was laughing and crying in the Hallmark store so she decided to get them all! So, I curl up on the loveseat and open the first card and cry. The next card gave me a chuckle. It was like that with all 7 cards!!! It was awesome! Totally made my day :) Then I had to call her to tell her I love her and thank you! It was great to hear her voice, to talk with her about it.

So there's good and bad mixed in all around. It's hard to not focus on the bad at times, but I'm trying to just get through each moment.

Little Gestures

So, Zach's brother and wife (who live in England) sent us a card! How sweet! Totally unexpected and such a blessing!

I forgot to mention that Saturday evening Zach's 'first shirt' type person who's stationed in Colorado called to see how we are doing! That was so super nice to check on us! Especially considering Zach decided to not go to field training...they could've been totally ticked off at him!

People just amaze me. It's these little things that keep occurring that are keeping me above the waters. I also got my necklace today! I love it and I'm so glad to wear it. Now I need to deal with Sears about my mother's ring...that should be fun. I don't think I shared that story...for another time I guess!

The hosptial wouldn't let me go!

So, I vaguely remember my young nurse leaving around 11 (she only worked a 4 hr. shift) and another one coming and checking on me through the night. Good thing they put me to sleep- it sure knocked me out good ALL night! It was nice to get some sleep, albeit drug induced :) I remember the nurse kept asking me if I wanted her to take the baby out. No, I didn't because I'd only seen the baby while still in pain and I wanted to be a bit more coherent to have that 'time' with him. I remember waking a few times in the night and seeing the bassinet laying by my bed and thinking I needed to check on the baby or nurse him. Ugh, that was difficult! With Malachi they didn't put him in one of the bassinets, so this was different. It was 'nice' because it seemed like they 'honored' him as a baby, but it was also difficult.

I woke up a bit early Friday morning. Zach did also. I looked at our baby, laying there, decaying, dead. I cried. He climbed into my bed and we talked about names. I grabbed my ipod and went to a site I was at the day before. I thought, "I want a name that means gift of God" and told Zach that. For some reason I clicked on the letter "N" and we see Nathaniel. It was SUCH A GOD THING!!! We both were like, "Yeah, I really like that" which was weird because never before had we considered that name. My cousin has a Nathan and so I just always bypassed Nathaniel. we knew we wanted a name with a good meaning and a Biblical one. Zach really wanted the baby's middle name to be Larry, after his dad. So, I reluctantly agreed. Nothing against my father-in-law, just didn't think it went well with Nathaniel :) Looking up the name Larry, we learned it meant "crowned with laurel". Ok, well WHAT is that? I looked it up and its like a green, leafy type of plant. Just the thought that our baby DOES have a crown, a heavenly one, totally sold me on that :) So, we named our precious baby Nathaniel Larry. It took me awhile to get used to that!

Finally, I felt I could 'release' my baby and asked the nurse to take him. I just couldn't stand to see it anymore...to know what was really happening, what was becoming real. It took forever for the nurse to wheel him out, it seemed! I MISSED my nurse Nancee! She did come in that morning to see me, to see how I was doing and she looked like she could've cried with me and hugged me.

About a month ago at our church a guy named Brent got baptized. He was a funeral director. He had done a funeral for a Josiah Johnson (not sure if I mentioned him on my blog before) and Josiah's life had really touched his. So, immediately I knew we should contact Brent. I didn't know him. This was all new to us too, for in Mississippi our pastor had contacted a guy from our church at the funeral home. Thankfully Zach stepped up to the plate on this one! So, Brent eventually made it and that was a difficult time also, but he was so caring! I remember the nurse coming in, saying to him, "Security is ready whenever you are" and I totally LOST it. I'm going to cry again thinking about that. To know he was taking my baby's body so far away from me. The baby that I carried in my womb, so close to my heart. The baby I dreamed of holding and cuddling. He was going away (his body)...far away. He was being 'taken' from me.

That morning was so difficult. Well, it all was of course. I was so ready to just go home. I wanted to be with my children. They kept asking when I'd be home. They were worried about me. I just wanted to hold them. I thought it was funny how sometimes I feel like I need a break from them and just need to get away and here I had a 'break' but I wanted nothing more than to be with them. The doctor had come in early and told me I could probably be released around noon, that another doctor would come in and check me then. Then finally took out the IV and stuff but it seemed they would never let me go. I was getting so mad! It was like, let me out of this place! There was no reason for me to be there. It was so painful. Apparently the nurse was waiting on discharge papers. We got those and then it was the Rhogam shot. It took over an hour of waiting just for a shot in my arse to then be 'released'. I was free!!! Walking out of the hospital empty handed was not as difficult as I thought it'd be, nor as difficult as it was with Malachi, only because I wanted so bad to be out of there! I did shed a few tears and cried some on the way home. But I was thankful for that part to be over. Although now, looking back, I feel like time is almost going too fast. Was it really that long ago that I got to see and hold our baby? How long before others soon forget, while the pain festers on inside of me? Sigh.