Bittersweet

Yesterday my friend Sadie & her kiddos came over. We were walking to the park when Gabe fell in some weeds on the trail and began to itch all over. He was miserable and was barely able to stand up to walk, but surprisingly didn't cry or anything. I feared maybe it was poison ivy and we turned around to come home and figure out what to do. I headed straight for my laptop and Google and found out I *think* it was stinging nettles. It was weird because by the time I got home it looked better! I wiped it with a baby wipe right after it happened and when we got home I washed it with dish soap (it was both one leg and one arm). There were little raised bumps on both, but an hour later you could barely see them. Zach brought home Benadryl and Calamine lotion and we gave him both. Today its barely there and he hasn't said a word about it. Weird.





Anyway, my post was not supposed to be about that adventure, although I'm so proud of how calm I remained! I think it really helped just having Sadie there, another adult. I just feel like I handled it well (giving myself a pat on the back)! So, to get to my original point. I got to hold her 3 week old baby, which was the benefit of missing the park! What a sweetie that little guy is! I was pretty well composed until Abby was curious when I started to give him his bottle and burp him. When I was burping him she came over and wanted to give him his bottle. She opened her mouth wide as if she was inserting it in her mouth and then helped put it in his mouth! It was SO sweet and funny!!! She 'held' him for a bit also. It really makes me sad for her...I feel like not only are we 'jipped' a baby but so are our children. She won't have a little baby of her own to help mama with :(

Tonight I had my Pampered Chef party. At first it appeared I'd have like 3 people but like 10 or more people showed up! Holy Smokes!!! Sadie brought the baby again and another gal had her baby also. I had Abby come down at the end and once again she was so curious with the babies. She was jealous at one point when I held Landon and another time she looked around asking where he was because someone else was holding him and he wasn't where she saw him last! When she was brought up to bed she waved and said, "Bye baby." The other gal had her baby laying on the floor for awhile and Abby went over to him just petting him and sitting by him, trying to give him his pacifier. When I went to pick him up she followed me, sat in the chair next to me at the table and just wanted to look at him. Then she wanted to hold him!!!! She patted his head, kissed him and even poked his eyes- OOPS! I was teary eyed. It was absolutely precious and I just wanted to scream out at God, "WHY did you have to take HER baby brother from her??????" It just doesn't seem right, ya know?



Also, when I was holding Landon tonight Hannah commented and said she wished Abby was still that small and she looked all teary eyed. I then said to her that we "should" be having one of our own soon and she started to cry, which then had me crying! Sometimes I feel like they forget I was ever pregnant. I did think it was weird yesterday that she didn't seem interested in Landon at all and when I asked her if she wanted to hold him she pretty much ignored me. It really breaks my heart. I miss my baby so much and then to see how my children "miss" him too- it KILLS me! Not a day goes by that I don't think about it. Heck, I'd be huge by now. Even with all the pregnant women here tonight...sigh. I just wanna be in their shoes, ya know? Aches, pains and all. Maybe I haven't blogged about this all in awhile, maybe I don't talk about it as much but it's still so raw. It still aches and hurts and sometimes just ticks me off. Tonight is one of those nights where I'll fall asleep crying. For not only is it a loss to this Mama and Daddy but to the precious sisters and brothers.

You know your child is homeschooled when:

They're 8 years old and cannot tie their shoes. Now granted, they lived in the South for most of their life and really have not worn shoes with ties all that often, but still.

They can't jump rope at 10 years old.

:) Just had to share!

Seasons change

Well, I spent my only sleeping in day waking early to hit some garage sales. This was probably the last time of the season I'll be going out. I began the season saling with Sadie and we ended it that way too! We hit quite a few of them- I'm surprised how many there were today, being fall AND the Iowa vs Iowa State game. We'd hit one that was on my list from the paper and what do ya know that we'd find at least another in the same area. I was on the lookout for some more shirts for Abby as well as warmer pj's. I was also looking for pj's for Josiah, but figuring I probably wouldn't find any since you don't normally find anything for them! Well, i got Abby lots and lots of cute little pj's, a few shirts and an outfit or two. I also got a cute shelf for the boys' room that has little bins to put things in it. It's perfect for their little toys they always leave in their room or their CD's or wallets. I picked up the movie 'My Girl'. I was just thinking the other day how I hadn't seen it in ages and then I saw it so I had to get it! I'm sure Hannah would like it too. I also got Abby a little toy dr. kit. Hannah got a skirt. I managed to pick up two winter coats and snowpants for my friend, Jenn- which were only $7!!! It was a great morning for sales! So, until next year...you can find me at 'normal' stores or maybe a thrift or consignment shop when I'm looking for clothes for the kids!

Reminder

Remind me why I do this again. WHY do I homeschool? I thought it was supposed to be ENJOYABLE! Why is it EVERY day SOMEBODY cries, if not EVERYBODY???? WHAT am I doing WRONG??? I think I just feel like I don't have my 'children's hearts', if that makes sense (if you've read Tedd Tripp's book you'd know what I'm talking about). I just feel so lost, like everything I'm doing is just a lost effort. Satan's really been working on getting me down these days.

Hump Day Funnies

Some cute things from my kiddos:

Yesterday Gabe wanted to turn on the TV. He says to Hannah, "I know how to turn on the TV. See, you press this button- it says Tuv." He was trying to sound out the word! I had to tell him it was just as it was- T.V.

Yesterday I looked over at Abby. She was sitting on the stairs with her baby doll, holding her in a position like the baby was nursing. CUTE! I wonder if she remembers being nursed or what, because she sure hasn't seen anybody nursing in awhile!

When Zach got home from work yesterday Gabe said to him, "Dad, I found your phone number song on the radio." Zach says, "You mean 867-5309?" Gabe says no and starts to sing the song that is Zach's ringtone! LOL Cute!

Down, down, down

Do you ever just feel like throwing in the towel? Saying, "WHY bother?" I've been SOOOO feeling that way lately. Like why do I bother to do this when THAT happens? I can't really elaborate, but I sure feel like everything I do is just a waste of time. I hate it. I KNOW what I'm doing is RIGHT, yet....blah. Life rots.

One Week Under Our Belts

It's hard to believe our first week has gone by. It certainly was a busy one. By the second day I was ready to just quit and pick it up again some other time! It was mostly dealing with attitudes and such at that point, but MOM has been more CONSISTENT in discipline measures and that really has helped with the rest of the week (for the most part). It is nice that the first week or two are pretty much review. We did a few projects this week, like make the Pinta, Nina and Santa Maria.

Yesterday we had our first day of co-op. It went really well. Abby didn't even cry when I brought her to the nursery- she just went right in and played happily the whole 3 hours! I'm sure I missed her more than she missed me! I helped in gym time and that was ok. I'm not much of an athletic person but I didn't have to do much :) Probably one of the easiest 'jobs' there! It was a lot of fun watching the preschool and kindergartners play kickball :) The kids had a lot of fun also. The subjects are Music, Gym, Art & Science. In science Hannah's learning Chemistry and the boys both learned about the earth's crust, core and mantle. They also get a snack time in there. I met a few people as well and just feel thankful for all the people God has been placing in my life.

It was such a busy week and I have been exhausted last night and today because of it! I'm thankful its a long weekend and hoping to do much of nothing but so far that hasn't been the case :) And today is almost over! I got a sitter lined up for tonight so Zach and I will go out and do something- just not sure what! I really want to go shopping as I only fit in two pairs of pants, but we'll see. I could always go another day if he's not interested in watching me try on clothes :)

Not to ruffle feathers here, I thought this was cute

You Must Be Homeschooled If...

1. Someone asks what grade you're in and you're not sure.
2. You sometimes go to school in your pajamas.
3. You sleep till 9:00 am on school days, but get up early on Sundays.
4. Your favorite author is Jane Austen (girls) or Robert Louis Stevenson (boys).
5. Your birthday is an official school holiday.
6. You don't get to stay home from school when you're sick.
7. Your favorite activity is reading.
8. You know what a unit study is.
9. You have attempted to teach yourself physics.
10. You know the scientific names of dinosaurs from A to Z.
11. Watching a movie means you'll have to write a report comparing the film to the book.
12. You dress up as historical or literary characters for Halloween.
13. You exchange e-mail Valentines with your homeschool pen pals.
14. You can get science credit for going to the dentist or doctor.
15. You go to the park for P.E.
16. You check out at least ten books every time you visit the library.
17. You get books and science kits for your birthday.
18. Your board games all have names like "Bookworm", "Scrabble", "S'math", "Game of Knowledge", and "Name The State".
19. Your home library is arranged in Dewey Decimal order.
20. Your favorite place to study is outside, under a tree.
21. You memorize math formulas and Latin root words for fun.
22. You never get nervous on the first day of school.
23. The only bully you ever run into is your big brother.
24. You are unaware of the current fads, fashions, and slang terms.
25. You have no idea what rock bands are currently popular.
26. You don't have to worry about forgetting your lunch or your schoolbooks.
27. You don't have to remember a locker combination, just your computer password.
28. There are only nine students in your class - but all of them are your brothers and sisters.
29. Your school bus is a nine-passenger van.
30. You can get extra credit for cleaning your room.
* * *

The Day

I'm gonna try to make this a quick post so I can go up and read! It was a good day, overall. The kids were anxious to begin school. I awoke waiting for my children to wake up and just lay in bed savoring the quiet and praying for a good day. I read my Bible (on my ipod) for a bit also! What a wonderful way to begin! Josiah wandered into my room first and asked if it was my birthday. He hugged me and wished me a Happy Bday. Abby woke up and was totally hugging me and I got her to attempt to sing her version of Happy birthday! She's the only one who sang to me today, aside from my mom over the phone :) Even my kids call the grandparents and sing but they didn't sing to mama :( Hannah came in with her handmade card. When Abby saw the cupcake sticker she began to blow out teh candle! So funny! Gabe wandered in and after like 5 minutes asked if it's my birthday. We all laid in bed for a tiny bit and then wandered downstairs. After breakfast we got ready for the day, did a few chores and then began our first day of school by reading the Bible and praying! The kids did pretty well in school today and it went fairly quickly. I'm sitting here wondering if we did everything we were supposed to! The first lessons always go quickly though, since they're review. Abby sat at the table coloring and playing with counting bears and wasn't any hassle at all! I didn't have too many tears or complaints. They were actually EAGER to do history! That is a FIRST in SO long. They were so tired of the history we did last year. I'm so glad I've changed it up! I am loving it also. I'm so thankful for the pretty good day we had. Zach took a half day and brought us home Taco Bell and after Hannah's softball game tonight we went to Chinese! I was totally craving it for like a week since I smelled it on an elevator at the hospital. Mmm those ragoons rocked. Even Abby loved them. Oh, when we prayed this morning I asked Abby to pray and she covered her eyes with her hands and babbled. The only word we understood were in the middle, "Da wook" translated as 'Dad work' which is what she says to me multiple times a day and first thing when she wakes in the mornings! I love that girl :) Our neighbors/friends came to Hannah's softball game tonight and that was nice! Zach got me more Willow Tree figures and a Family Feud game for the computer :) My mom sent me some money :) It was a blessed day! I wondered if it'd be hard...sometimes these celebratory days are, but it wasn't. The other night I started crying in bed thinking of how old I am! LOL Ok, goodnight everyone!

That time of year again

I have so much I could blog about. I could blog about the fun we had yesterday playing tourist in our backyard. Or I could blog about the scavenger hunt we had fun planning for the couples in our small group. Or I could blog about Abby having no appetite lately and constantly pooping her pants. Or I could blog about tomorrow...

Tomorrow I will not only be a year older (great) but I'll also be beginning another year of homeschooling.

YIKES! It is CRAZY to think I've been officially doing this for 6 YEARS!!! WOW! I should be a pro by now, right? Haha. Funny. Not even close. I'm excited for a new school year. Most of us homeschool moms are. I have new goals set for us, things I hope we accomplish. Most of us homeschool moms do. I hope that this will put us into more of a schedule after slacking off at everything so much this summer. Most homeschool moms probably fit in this category too. I'm also expecting there to be tears tomorrow. If you live on this planet and are a homeschool mom you can probably nod in affirmation. I'm expecting disappointments. Maybe a bit of anger. It's just normal to expect these things and I'd rather set myself up for it than to hope for the best and be sorely disappointed. I've done that way too many times!

We have unofficially began school though. We did a few history lessons as I just could not wait. I'm so excited to be doing American history with my kids this year, using a variety of books I bought & have been given and just kinda doing my 'own' thing with them. The internet is a great resource for ideas on projects or worksheets to go along with our lessons. We've learned all about Christopher Columbus and after we review we'll move on to John Cabot. I'm looking forward to picking up on our science again. It's been many moons since we've taken out that book. I'm looking forward to the homeschool co-op we joined that meets 3 Fridays a month. While I don't really 'know' many people in the group (just vaguely), I look forward to making some new friendships. I hope to be better at training my children in the Lord...disciplining more consistently, teaching them about God & spending time daily together with Him. I hope to begin potty training Abby and maybe even working on some 'school' with her. She's only 2 but she's so smart with her older siblings that she adores.

What are you looking forward to this new school year, whether you're a homeschool mom or one who sends your children to school? What are you hoping to learn through this year? I love learning right along with my children. I love seeing them grow and learn new things. If you think of it...say a prayer for us this week. It'll be a transition after having so many lazy days of playing, watching TV and having fun!

Bad Mom

Today I took the two younger ones to their well-child checkups. I'm not too keen on these appointments, I think they're a waste of time, but alas I did it. Alas must be my word of the day as I wrote that in my last post also. Alas (lol) I must continue. Gabe had to get 4 shots. He did not want them. He cried. He hid behind the table. I held onto him but it did no good. He cried. He screamed. I couldn't console him. I was holding him, watching his sweet face and then I almost began to cry. Poor kid. Poor mom. And here I almost started Abby's shots today...I'd really have been a mess! I want to start slow on hers so I need to look into it more and figure out where I begin. I told Gabe I'd get him a cookie or something at the store. He picked out a doughnut (a lot cheaper than a candy bar!). The older two were jealous. They were mean. On the way home everyone was still carrying on about it and Gabe retorts, "You guys were born before me so you got more stuff!" Oh man did I bust up laughing. How true is that! They've had more than him in their 'longer' lives ;) Smart guy, good logic! The older two are still talking about their lack of a 'treat'. I bought ice cream bars but they're not getting any because they can't have the right attitude. Ya snooze, ya lose. Boy, am I a mean mom today...

Happy Birthday (a day late) Abby!

I meant to get on last night to wish my 'baby' a Happy Birthday but alas it didn't happen! I hope it doesn't make me a bad mama ;) I can't believe that little Abby is TWO! Wow, when I was talking about it seeming like just yesterday when I had Gabe, it seems like it was a few hours ago that I had Abby!!! What a HUGE blessing she has been to us! This is something I wrote down the other night as I was feeling emotional looking through pictures from the day she was born:



How has it been two years have gone by? Seems like just yesterday when I glimpsed your tiny face for the first time. It has been an amazing, fun-filled two years, as we watch you learn and grow. I can't remember what it was like before you were a part of our family. You are such a treasure, such a blessing, a gift, a light. I'm so thankful, so very thankful to be chosen as your mama. I only wish time would slow down so we can watch you grow and learn in slow motion, reveling in each day, basking in your beauty. Thank you, Jesus, for this gift...not only is she her fathers joy, as her name means, but a joy to us all!

That sums it up. She brings so many smiles to my face. I love watching her grow. When you have a child amongst losses, in this case amongst three losses, I think you just appreciate them so much more!

For her birthday she opened a gift in the morning- a new car for her dollhouse and a new Mommy & toddler! We got ready for the day and I packed a picnic and we took a walk, me taking pictures of the kids along the way. We played at the park for awhile, at our picnic, took more pictures and walked back home. I put Abby for a nap and she fell asleep right away- what a tired little gal! After her nap we played outside for awhile. We ate frozen pizza for dinner- Abby had two pieces! She loves her pizza!!! Then we went to watch Hannah play softball! She scored one of three hits for her team and we were so proud of her! Afterwards we came home and Abby opened more presents, one of which is her new pony. Then we sang Happy Birthday and had cake. It was bath time and then she wasn't ready for bed, the stinker. She played a bit and then fell asleep on daddy on the rocking chair! I think she had a fun day! I know I did as I tried to make it special for her :)

I just wanna have some...

Searching

Today I finally had my appointment with the perinatologist (a maternal fetal medicine specialist or high risk OB). I had no idea what I was going to be walking into, other than that I knew I was going to be meeting with the doctor and I thought it was an hour long. I met this doctor 2 years and I day ago as she's the one who performed my amnio with Abby. I thought she was wonderful and gentle back then...today just proved that point even further. Wow. I was just amazed at the time she took to sit and talk, to pour over my history, my records, to ask questions and to agree with me that there must be some sort of medical thing that is causing me to lose babies in the second trimester. She's the first doctor to not say, "Well, these things happen." I've just felt so strongly since Nathaniel's death that there has got to be a reason why my body cannot carry all my babies past a certain point. And I also wonder how I was able to carry Abby to 36 weeks (opting to have her that early) after losing the two babies before her. I KNOW that God is the giver of life and He's the one who controls our womb. BUT I also feel like we have modern medicine and we can take advantage of that. I even told the doctor (after she explained that she can not 'work magic') that we know God has a plan but we're still wanting some answers.

Anyway, she seemed so knowledgeable and more importantly she had a plan in place for me! (And come to find out this appointment was called 'pre-concept counseling). When I made the appointment I was in no place to THINK about getting pregnant, I just wanted some answers. Now I'm a little more open to it and I suspect that by the time I get some sort of results in a month or more I'll be even more open to it.

Well, back to her 'plan'. They're testing my thyroid and doing some other blood tests. One is called Antiphospholipid Antibodies. If I do have this I'd have to take baby aspirin every day and give myself two injections a day (when pregnant) of heparin or something like it (blood thinners). Scary stuff. But amazing that there are things like that out there. If I don't have that she'll continue to dig for answers. I'm just amazed and thankful that there are doctors out there willing to work to try to help women like me find some answers.

~6 YEARS~

It is so hard to believe that six years ago today I gave birth to Gabriel. How does speed by like this? I remember that day like it was last week. Contracting. Calling my friend Sheri to come stay with the kids. Wimping it on the way to the hospital, declaring I would definitely be getting an epidural. The tiny 'closet' I had to birth in. The many 'students' in there during delivery. Waiting forever for my real room so I could go and show Hannah and Josiah their new brother. How has that been 6 years? I remember when we left the hospital driving the 'long' way home and just about tearing up. How on earth would I care for three children??? Was I capable of that! What were these people thinking letting me take this baby home?

I'm so thankful the Lord blessed us with Gabe. What a wonderful, delightful little stinker he has been! He's our first baby we co-slept with! He's so funny the things he comes up with! Even today when I was asking him about being six he said, "I feel taller." Then he looked at his sandal on his foot and exclaimed, "WOW! This fits me better!" Where do they come up with this stuff??? On the way home from the store I was talking about old people and driving nad how many of them probably shouldn't be driving because they may be blind (not able to see well) He pipes up, "Well when I'm old if I'm blind I'm gonna ask Jesus to help me to see!"

He opened his gifts this morning and has been busy building since. He got to play Wii, watch TV, eat pigs in a blanket for lunch. He requests Ihop for dinner. He picked out the cake mix and frosting and is looking forward to digging into his cake!

Gabriel is very creative with building things with his Lego's and Bionicles. He draws really well and will often be found at the table making new pictures. He loves to watch TV and play Wii. He loves to find songs on the radio and will often run downstairs telling us some tidbit he heard! He loves to play with the dog and get her all hyper. He also doesn't mind her continuously licking him (yuck). He loves to eat and is always asking for snacks or declaring he's hungry. He's excited to be 6 and I think he's excited to begin a new year of school! I'm so thankful for my little guy!!!

Are you a feminist?

I discovered, or rather rediscovered, a site that has so many encouraging articles...I could be there for hours! It's linked on my sidebar and it's called Ladies Against Feminism. I'm currently reading a book called Passionate Housewives Desperate for God (LAF is one of the authors' sites) and it is so wonderful and filled with so much truth- very eye opening indeed. It is so difficult in our day and age to be grounded in the truth concerning our roles as women. This book totally hits the nail on the head- how encouraging! It just solidifies for me that I'm doing what God has called me to do!

Here's a snippet from it:

true life is found in death; true happiness is found in sacrifice; true peace is found in giving away our comforts and security.

There is so much more truth and encouragement filled in this book! This was just one of the last things I read that stuck out to me. And it is so opposite what our world teaches us. They teach us to look out for ourselves, to find happiness within ourselves, and it doesn't tell us anything about giving away our comforts!!! How I need to die to myself, to sacrifice my wants for the things God has called me to do for my family and to continually put aside my comforts & security- then will I find life, happiness and peace!

My thoughts today

Boy how I wish I were having another baby. As I was putting Abby for a nap I was just thinking of how blessed I am. I'm so thankful for the children I've been given, but I still long for more. It's always been my dream to be a mommy and I can't imagine being 'done'. We'll see what God has in store with it all I guess. Next week I go to a doctor to discuss testing. I have no idea exactly what that appointment entails and can't wait to go.

The rain came earlier today than they predicted so we didn't get to go to the park. I got a movie for the kids (Furry Vengeance) and they had a picnic for lunch on the living room floor and watched the movie. They liked that and I was glad I thought to do something for them rather than just say, "Too bad, deal with it." I feel like now I'm beginning to live life more instead of just going through it. It took 11 weeks! I'm still not 'there' and I know it takes time but I'm thankful to be "forcing" myself to "Just do it." It's not always easy and I don't always do what I should or may think of doing just because. It's just not me to be this way, but I'm getting there.

I don't think I mentioned here that I began seeing a counselor. I guess it's not something I want everyone to know ;) I considered it before the whole possibility of deployment came up and once that arose I took action! I asked a friend from church if she recommended anybody and she said the counseling pastor from church. But I didn't want a pastor nor somebody from church. I did want a Christian, however. I just didn't want to constantly be told Scripture repeatedly...as wonderful as God's Word is. I called Military One Source and talked to a lady there and she referred me to a local counselor. I've gone twice now.

The first time, just upon looking at her I thought, "Oh boy does she ever look like a shrink!" and wondered what I was getting myself into. She was laughing about how we had to meet in this other room, not her office, because they were moving filing cabinets. She just kept laughing about it, but I couldn't understand the funniness in it! So I was like, "Oh great, I got this quack of a woman I'm supposed to spill my guts out to?" Anyway, she did the whole intake and yadda yadda, I talked a bit about what was going on (it was the day after or the same day I found out that Zach WAS for sure being deployed). I met with her again this past week and upon seeing her again I thought, "WHY am I doing this???" But when I left I just felt relieved. I even got myself some McDonald's on the way home- even so far as to go inside and order it! I felt so 'free' to be alone for a bit!!! So, we'll see how long I go and all. I'm allowed 11 sessions but that after that my insurance would pay for it. I think its much better than going on the depression meds the dr. prescribed for me, at least at this point. I won't have an appointment this coming week because it's going to be a crazy busy week, but I'll go again the week after.

Last night I went to another Mommies with Hope meeting. I'm so glad I went. During the day I was thinking I just wanted to stay at home, but as the time drew nearer I knew I should go. They're planning a retreat at the end of October with Lysa TerKeurst speaking and I'd really love to go to it. At first I thought I wouldn't want to go because that's right around my 'due date' and I thought about getting away with just Zach or something. But I think it'd be great for me to be with this group of women and I don't know that I want to wait until the end of October to have some alone time with my hubby! I'm really craving that lately and am rather bummed that we just don't have the finances to do that. At first I was looking into cheap plane tickets for a long weekend somewhere. Then I was just looking into like Kansas City or something, which is 3 hours away. Finally I just began to look into Des Moines. I think for us to get away for a night or two alone would be wonderful. Much needed. Rejuvenating. Best for our relationship and that with our children. Imagine if we could do it before I began school, how refreshed I'd feel to begin a new year!?!? Hmmm....I may really have to try to twist his arm on this!

Time to share

Sharing...please take the time to read this. I can't remember if I shared this before, yet its another encouraging one to read.

Ya think I'm qualified?

Here's another funny from one of the boys (I forget which one). Last week my neighbor called and asked if I could watch her grandson for a bit. I agreed and was pretty excited as he's just a little baby (about 5 months old I think). I told the kids I was going to baby-sit and one of the boys said, "You can babysit?" I just cracked up and asked them what they thought, since I do have 4 of my own children! Kids!

Recent quotes

"Our faith gives us the sure hope of seeing him again, but the hope does not take away the pain."
-Gregory Floyd, A Grief Unveiled: One Father's Journey Through the Death of a Child

"I just wish everyone would quit quoting the Bible to me"
-The mom in the movie 'Letters to God' I have to agree...I know Scripture is GREAT, it is God's Words to us, but it doesn't always comfort our broken hearts...

Another thing from the movie 'Letters to God'...the Mom says to Tyler, "Nobody could replace you." Tyler says to mom, "You know God picked you. He picked you to be my mom." Amazing. Nobody can replace the babies I've lost...not even new babies. They'll all hold their own special places in my heart. And I know that God chose me to be a Mama to these sweet babies that never breathed a breath on this earth, but who were formed by God's holy hands.

Last night at Hannah's first softball game Josiah looked to the field and says, "Is Hannah on stage?" LOL

Encouraged

The other day an old friend from Mississippi stopped through. She and her two daughters are travelling across teh country and we were on the way so we opened up our home to them! Not only was it good to see her again, I was so encouraged! First, it felt wodnerful to cook a meal again, not just knowing it was for my family but also to bless someone else. I haven't done much cooking since June...and I finally managed to get a menu made up, groceries bought and now have an abundance of food to make! It was also wonderful knowing we were blessing someone with a free place to stay. But, even moreso the conversation was so uplifting and I was just blessed. They are missionaries who currently pastor in Ohio. It was so cool to hear the stories about how God has provided for them every step of the way, in so many different arenas. She talked about trusting God. Oh, how difficult it is for me to truly TRUST HIM. I tend to worry more than trust. As if I don't know that He has it all in His hands, I still worry! He knows what will happen in 2 hours, 2 days and 2 years. Shouldn't that bring me comfort??? It should, but it doesn't always! It was almost more confirmation about one of my previous posts about just simplifying things. I've lost my focus. It's not on God, its not been on Godly things, but on the things of this world...earthly things. Of course some of it attributes to my anger with Him. But, I feel like I'm getting somewhere. Like the fact that I can even think like this and blog about it...the fact that I FINALLY picked up and read my Bible yesterday after not doing so in like 2 months because I've been too angry...the fact that I began a book I've been wanting to read for some time about being the Godly wife/mother/homemaker God desires me to be...baby steps.

Third Day - Cry Out To Jesus August 16, 2010

Great song!

Creepiness

After reading my friend, Jamie's, post I remembered I had to tell you about my latest Craigslist freak-out. I listed a few items a few days ago. Here's an email convo:

Jorge: hi i want to buy you duoble stroller can you send you phone number or addres

I emailed him back telling him I could meet him at a gas station (its where I meet these people, right down the road from me, so they don't have to come to my house). I wasn't going to provide my # but thought maybe he was desperate for the stroller ASAP (which was cool with me, its $50 I could make), so I threw my number in there too. I never give out my addresses. After everything I wonder if this freak were trying to attain it and that freaks me out.

Jorge: i call you and iis not enter can you call my number is 515 262 XXXX (number provided)

I called the number and it rang and rang and rang. I emailed back letting them know I tried to call and then I'm really flexible about meeting up with people. No reply since. It just creeps me out. Was it some sicko trying to get my info so they could who-knows-what? I don't even want to think about it!

So, beware of people on Craiglist! Never give your address!!! I did give a guy off of freecycle my address once but that's because we had a washer and I always make sure Zach is here when they come!

Does she think I'm a stalker?

There's this gal I kinda 'know'. I've mentioned her in the past, I believe. Her husband died over 6 months ago from cancer. She's a young woman with two young children. Back on Valentine's Day I brought her and her children some goodies, even though I had never met her before that. She probably thought I was a nutcase! I also sent her a few messages via facebook letting her know I was praying for her. I read her blog too. I wonder what she thinks of me!!! I saw her at Hy-vee today and went up to her and said hi. She was probably like, "WHO are YOU and why do you bother me???" I told her my name and reminded her who I was and that I go to the same church. I talked for a few minutes, but left wondering what she must think of this crazy woman who doesn't even know her! I hope she just knows that I pray for her often, I think of her often and I can't imagine the road she is walking down as a widow. I wish there were more I could do for her, besides pray. But she probably thinks I'm just a nutcase...

Kiddo, Kiddos

I haven't blogged about the kids in awhile so I thought I'd do so, not only for you all but also so I can remember some of these things! I'll start with the youngest.

It is hard to believe Abby is going to be 2 next week. I could cry just thinking about it. I think it's even more difficult to fathom because I won't be having a baby in a few months. She's been definitely showing that she's almost two because she's been throwing some mighty big fits. She screeches really loud. I hate it...its almost like her innocence is gone or something! She loves to play with Hannah's old dollhouse I took in the living room. I seldom see her playing with her other toys anymore! She also loves to color! When I bought school supplies I also bought her her own pencil box, crayons and notebook. If any one of us sits at the table to do something besides eat you can bet Abby will be sitting in her chair coloring! The other day she was playing with this clock puzzle she has with Zach. I was in the kitchen and I heard her say "3" and she had had a 3 in her hand or was putting it on the puzzle. She also said a few other numbers on her own! She is SUCH a little sponge- I love hearing her copy things we tell her! One day she opened the drawer in the table next to my bed and took out my earbuds for my ipod. I looked over and she stuck them up in her ears and began to dance around!!! There was no music- it wasn't even plugged in to anything yet she knew that you put them in your ears to hear music!!! She's such a delight!!! She also has discovered how to get upstairs through the gate. We have nowhere to latch it so we just put it there, and its always worked for both her and the dog. Well, she figured out you can just slide it over a bit and sneak on up the stairs! She does great on the stairs but still it makes me nervous!

Gabe has been a little stinker lately. He and his brother seem to always be fighting or hyper or something. It is very aggravating. I just wish they'd get along! He still loves his Legos and Bionicles. He's ready for his birthday, which is also next week. He loves to put on Josiah's radio and listen to music. Yesterday as I was in their room making their beds he had on one of their CD's and was singing, "Oh no you never let go, through the calm and through the storm." I love hearing my children sing songs to Jesus!!! Last week he came downstairs and said, "Mom, they said on the radio something about football coaches and your favorite football coach!" He was all excited and I think wanted to participate in whatever it was :)

Josiah has been incredibly trying. I feel like he and I just butt heads. He has such a bad attitude if I correct him on something or discipline him. It breaks my heart! It isn't always this way with him, just sometimes. All the kids loved to play Guitar Hero with Zach. Josiah's almost like a natural the way he holds the guitar! I don't know if he copies the characters on the TV or what, but boy has he got the stance down :)

Hannah is now playing softball. At practice last week the first time they went to practice batting she actually hit the ball on the third try! I was impressed! Now that it's not going to be as humid this week hopefully we can get outside with her and practice. She seems to enjoy it so far. You can tell which girls have been playing for awhile (most of them) and so sometimes I just feel bad for her that she's 10 and still learning! She's been having a lot more attitude about things, which I really need to work on. One day she asked me if this little white bump on her hand was a wart (Gabe has a wart). I told her yes it was, even though it wasn't. She then says in a snotty voice, "Thanks alot Gabe for spreading your seeds!" Oh man it sounded so funny the way she said it and we got a good chuckle out of it (but she did have to apologize to her brother after we told her we were kidding)! This morning she came into my bed and the first thing she said to me was, "Mom, I think I'm growing boobs. I think I need a bra." I busted out laughing!!! I think I know where that came from...my friend, Lynne, stopped through for the night with her girls who are 10 and 8. From talking with Lynne, the 10 year old is already needing a bra and such. I'm not sure and Hannah wouldn't admit it but I'm assuming the girls had a conversation about such a thing! I don't think Hannah's to the point yet where she needs one, but maybe I should double check ;) Aaaahhh my kids crack me up!!!

1500

This is my 1500th post! HOLY COW! BUT back in the day I used to blog a lot of pictures. These days I'm not able to for some reason (maybe because I did so so much back then?). I'm determined to make this a 'good' post, not a 'pity me' one. This is gonna take some work here, so bear with me :)

Last night I had the privilege of reading Joy's blog (or maybe its her hubby's?). I really enjoyed catching up with her family :) I met Joy years ago at an Above Rubies retreat in Alabama. I admit that I don't know her too well, but with seeing her at a few retreats and with facebook we're still friends/sisters in the Lord :) I love hearing about her family and the "Rev" as she calls her hubby! Reading her blog led me to other blogs and led me to just be encouraged. Not in my present trials necessarily, but in life in general. It helped me to refocus my thinking a bit. I'm thinking I need to read some Godly blogs more often (in addition to God's Word).

Let me elaborate a bit. Most of the posts I were reading were from LARGE families showing us their homes, having an open house! How cool! I love seeing people's homes. I love large families (I desire to be one)! Well, first I saw Joy's home. It made me want to move into the country, to simplify life. I love her front porch! I could just picture her sitting there with her children as they splash in the pool or read next to her. As I gazed into others' homes I was even more encouraged, yet convicted.

It is so difficult not to get caught up in the 'things of this world'. Nice cars, new homes, big TV's, etc. Now I know I'm not as materialistic as some people out there, but at the same time I'm more than I want to be. I seem to go through these phases in my adult life, from simplifying to hoarding. From being different to being like the Jones'. From being in the world to being set apart from the world. Now, being a Christian doesn't mean we need to live in shacks and ride bicycles to work, but at the same time we should share what God has blessed us with! I often say if I have a big home one day (haha ya right) I'd love to open it up to God's people- missionaries, youth, people in need of a place to stay. I often think I could 'never' live in the 'country' away from the conveniences of fast food, Wal-Mart and the like. There are some days where I just like to get in the car and go somewhere because I need to get out (yesterday was one of those days). At the same time maybe if we had a home in the country we'd 'enjoy' it more. Maybe we'd have shade where we could be outdoors more often, enjoying God's creation. I would love for my kiddos to be outdoors more often rather than in front of the TV. I would love for myself to be outdoors more often instead of on the computer :)

Another thing I've really been encouraged in is homeschooling. I joined a homeschool co-op and got to go to the meeting the other night. It is just so encouraging to hear how others began homeschooling and to be in agreement. I just haven't been myself lately and haven't enjoyed my children and the thought of teaching them is so daunting. I've not been disciplining how I should, I've allowed too much TV, etc. It IS summer, I'm NOT me...so things just haven't been GOOD (at least in my mind). Sometimes I even feel embarrassed about taking my kids around other homeschoolers, wondering how they'll act! But to be around these women and then read homeschooling things on these blogs, that was cool. Refreshing. I always like the beginning of a new school year, there's something kinda exciting about it. I really need to get me back on track so we all can get there and learn, not only educational things but more importantly grow closer to God and as a family.

Speaking of homeschooling, I finally ordered the rest of our books for the year. I'm really excited for our history, which is funny because I never did like history in school! I kind of made up my own history for the year, which will consist of:

• The Light & The Glory for Children, which was GIVEN to me with a workbook/coloring book (thank you Cheryl)
• American Pioneers & Patriots, which we'll use for both history & reading
• A Child's Story of America
• Exploring American History, which is a 5th grade book

I like CBD's website because it allows you to look at sample pages. I'm not sure if we'll use both of the last two books or what. They both look pretty similar, but I'm assuming the 5th grade one provides more information. I would love all of us to do history together rather than separately so I need to review it all and make it all work together (like when we cover Christopher Columbus we'll use all 4 books if they apply).

I have most of our homeschooling items bought, though I'll take advantage of Staples Teacher program coming up. We also need pencils, I believe. I bought this little cabinet from a garage sale- it has 3 shelves inside with a door. Each child has one shelf with their school books on it and their school supplies. I put a childproof lock on it to keep Abby out of it, but also bought her her own crayons and pencil box to store them in, along with a notebook. That little girl loves to draw! It's fun getting ready for school but we probably won't start until after Zach leaves.

So, I hope this post made sense (and didn't bore you to death). I just really want to simplify my life and enjoy my children! Pray :)

unbelievable

He's going. I can't believe they're making him go. Here we just said the other day we doubted they'd make him go. I was starting to hope. Wow, what a joke. Hope for what? My hopes are always dashed. Hope for a baby and he's taken from me. Hope for my hubby to stay and he too is taken from me for almost a year. He'll be in dangerous territory. Will I hear from him often? Probably not. I'll be so worried about him every day that goes by that I don't hear from him. Will God take my husband from me too? How can I not ask that in light of all that's been happening. You'd ask it too I'm sure. I just am really standing on shaky ground. WHERE is GOD? YES, you can tell me all the verses until you're blue in the face but I NEED something TANGIBLE right now. My heart is so very broken. I don't know if the pieces could ever be put back together at this point. I can't believe this is happening. I can't believe this is my life. How will I do it? What if I don't want to? What if I don't want to be strong for my children? What good can come out of a man leaving his family (a distraught wife AND children) and going to WAR? I feel like life is crumbling all around me. Every little thing worries me these days, I'm certain I'll be a mess when he's gone. The crazy thunderstorms we have every night cause me to be so paranoid. One night I brought all things I didn't want to 'lose' into the basement in case there was a tornado. There weren't many...pictures, jewelry, the 'treasures' from my 'lost' boys. Now we have another thunderstorm outside. They're so how I feel inside and yet now they freak me out. When I was a kid I was terrified of thunderstorms, but I outgrew that. Now I'm horrified once again. And I keep having tornado dreams. Fear. So many fears. Anybody wanna take these shoes and walk in them?

One big fat huge SIGH

• I hate that I'm doing this in bullets but I have so much to say and this is the easiest way to do so.
• Today marks 4 years that I miscarried baby "Grace". It also was the due date for Malachi. He would be three. Tough day.
• Yesterday marked 2 months since Nathaniel was delivered.
• We were told last Wednesday that Zach was going to be deployed and had to leave THAT weekend. We got the training pushed back to the end of August. He's supposed to train for 2 months and then go straight overseas for 9 MONTHS. What a cruel joke.
• I broke down and called Military One Source. I talked to a counselor and she hooked me up with a local one. I have an appointment next week.
• Some people associated with his work are trying to work to get him taken off of this since we just lost our baby 2 months ago. I had to go to the doctor and we had to go to Offutt AFB today to talk to a Major about everything. So, some people are at bat for us in that this is the worst time possible to deploy.
• We know his time is coming and we're ok with that. It's just now is the time I need him most. He is such a HUGE help with the kids and emotionally he's my rock right now. I fear I'd really fall apart if he left (I'm barely hanging on some days). So the timing in this whole thing just rots.
• It's been trial after trial after trial and I'm exhausted on 100 different levels.
• We got to go to our first Mleko family reunion in Michigan. It was fun. We could've done without the bee sting which sent me going 80 down this little ol' highway to get Zach to the ER. Now he has to carry an Epi Pen. It was great meeting some family I've never met and seeing some old faces!
• We stayed in Green Bay one night on the way up and on the way back home. We got to go to the Packer Training camp one night. That was pretty neat!
• Hannah began softball practice tonight. She was nervous, but eventually she began to get it as they taught them throwing and catching.
• I'm sure there's like 100 more things I could tell you but my mind is so full of mush these days I just can't think straight. One day I'll get back to normal, huh? Please tell me so!

Sweetness

Thanks to Erica for guiding me to this cute blog!!!

Thanks

I keep reading in my books (books about losing a baby) about the people that come into our lives through a loss. I'm so thankful for those people...people I wouldn't have 'met' until this. Even the lady in Michigan from the funeral home has been a blessing to me...I know she probably has my boys' names written down, but to know their names, to speak their names- it simply means so much to me! Sometimes Satan lies to me, taunting me, "Where's your support?" but I know it is here. Those who unfortunately have walked this road I'm on, who can pray, who know how I'm feeling, I'm just so thankful for you. Thank you. I think of the song (I think its by Ray Boltz, its an old one) that says, "Thank you for giving to the Lord..."

Should Be's

I should be packing for our weekend, but I'm sitting. I have the worst lower back pain EVER! I don't know how it happened- it was fine when I woke up this morning but then all of a sudden I could barely walk! I went to the chiropractor this afternoon but it still hurts. I REALLY need to be packing!!!

I should be 'getting better, getting over it' by now, but I still have so many difficult moments every single day. I know its a lie, the above statement, but sometimes I feel like that's what the 'world' thinks. I *know* my Nathaniel is in a better place. I *know* God has a plan in this all, but it still doesn't take away the pain.

It's only July...

and it has been the suckiest, worst year for our family. Here's a rundown:

• Stepdad broke his ankle and was laid up for a long time
• I lost Nathaniel
• Father-in-law diagnosed with emphysema
• Father-in-law had triple bypass surgery
• Grandma diagnosed with emphysema
• Another Grandma broke her back
• Stepmom broke her toe
• Grandpa just had angioplasty
• I also just found out about some serious issues (not health related, but could totally end up that way) with a cousin on my dad's side that are so heartbreaking to me

I'm afraid to even ask 'What's next?' I was just telling my mom on Thursday when she told me about my Grandma's back that God totally orchestrated her to get laid off when she did (and she's not going back to work). She's been a nursemaid to so many, and then BAM, her dad ends up in the hospital! I'm just tired of it! I don't know how people who DON'T know God hold on in times like these. I may only be holding on by a thread, but I know He's carrying me through it all. And I'm certain I've missed a few items on this list also.

Adventureland

Yesterday was such a FUN day! Our small group leaders bought all us families tickets to Adventureland and yesterday was the day we went!!! We'd never gone before and the kids were super excited to try some roller coasters. First we went on the Giant Skywheel (pretty much like a Ferris wheel), just the three older kids and I. It was fun, although at first they were a bit nervous about the height. We also went in the Teacups. I was dizzy coming out of those. We had Abby go on some little kiddie rides. We were so hot so we headed to the waterpark. Hannah and I went in the Typhoon- what a BLAST that was! I took Josiah on the blue/green waterslide. Part of it was pitch black, then you come out in the open and are going up the walls- it was crazy fun! Zach took Gabe on the purple slide and the kids played on the big kid thing and waterslides. I took Abby down the lazy river and she LOVED it. Too bad she's afraid of sprinklers- she didn't want to go in anything! We then were cooled off and went back to the coasters- Hannah and I went on the Outlaw, in which I laughed SO hard. I think the last time I laughed like that from such excitement was when I was in college on a jet ski! Josiah and I went on the Tornado. Wow, I didn't expect it to be so crazy. He was freaked out! He was just screaming, "Get me off! I think I'm going to die!" I was trying to hold onto him, laugh and not freak out myself! What a thrill! Then afterward, we looked at his picture- oh my his face looked so freaked out and all I can do is crack up about it! He then told me, "I thought I was going to meet my destination" then corrected himself by saying, "Destiny. I thought I was going to die." I busted up laughing at that! Zach took Hannah and Gabe on the Log Flume and then Josiah, Gabe and I went on it. The older kids and Zach went on the bumper cars while Abby and I watched. We were getting ready to head out of the park to meet the group for dinner when we spotted one of those old fashioned photography studios, so we walked in and had even more fun! The pictures were so cute! We had a GREAT dinner with our group and thankfully were under a pavilion because it began to pour and was lightning and thundering a bit. When we left to come home the sky was just crazy looking- and to the south there was nothing but big cracks of lightning everywhere. It was awesome! We all hopped in showers/baths and headed to bed. It was a long, humid, super fun day! What a blessing our 'leaders' bestowed upon each of our families!

**I tried to upload pics here but it wouldn't work...check out my facebook for some pictures.

Seeking Answers

Can you believe its been 7 weeks since I lost Nathaniel? And as I told my friend yesterday, this week is much more difficult than last week. It totally just comes and goes, the waves of sadness, grief, whatever you'd like to call it. Maybe it's also because I've been 'dealing' with it in a different way- I have a referral to a perinatologist to do some testing. I want to get genetic testing done, which this is NOT (we'd have to go to Iowa City for that). I'm not sure if some of the tests they want to do I've already had done with Malachi, but they're looking over my records. I am so VERY thankful that we have good insurance that covers this stuff! So, having to deal with it, talking with them about my loss(es), being asked by a few different people "Are you pregnant?" has left me raw again. The perinatologist's office staff seems wonderful though- and a cool thing about it is its the same doctor who performed my amnio when I was pregnant with Abby. I still feel like I just do what I can to get by. I keep thinking I should do this or that (little things around the house) but just am not very motivated.

Books

I'm finally reading again. I just read the last two Karen Kingsbury books from the Above the Line Series. Good stuff, but I was bawling like a baby! I began a library book last night. I don't like the books that have really, really long chapters. This has 'breaks' here and there, but I really like where you can end a reading session at the end of a chapter, not in the middle of one! Ok, maybe its rather nerdy to post about books, at least Zach would tell me so ;)

Speaking of books last night I ordered some homeschool books. I finally got up the ambition to begin looking! I ordered them from ebay and saved probably like $30! LOVE it! I'm still trying to figure out what to do about history. I received an email from a lady who runs one of the homeschool books 'libraries' (she has the books at her home) so hopefully I can go there and check out some of the things I'm interested in.

And on another book note, Becky has published a book! I knew she was writing a book but now she's published! Congrats, Becky! And what perfect timing for me! I already ordered it. I "met" Becky is some online adoption groups as we were both in the process of adopting from Liberia. God closed the door on that to both of our families. I can't wait to be blessed by this book!

Intuitive

So earlier after I'd called some adoption agencies I just sat here crying. The kids were in the basement (well Abby was napping) and had no idea. All of a sudden Gabe came up here (my tears were dry) and sat next to me. He put his arm around me and asked if I'm feeling ok. Talk about sweet!!! Did he know how sad I was feeling? Then I just watched a video somebody shared on facebook about the organization Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep and I was crying so hard. Abby came up, even before I began crying, and gave me the biggest hug and kiss on the mouth and then sat with me for a bit. Gabe, from across the room, asked if I was crying. These kids are so intuitive! It just amazes me! I love their sweetness!!!

Tough

So last night my neighbor/friend came over to tell me she's pregnant! I am super excited for her. At the same time I'm SO sad for me!!! She's like the 5th person in a week that I found out is pregnant. It seems like lots of neighbors, everybody at church, everybody on facebook...and the ones that aren't pregnant have babies. Ohhh it just hurts, it aches, it stings. I just don't get it!

We've been tossing around adoption again. I can't remember if I mentioned that before. I called a few places today. Not sure if we'd even 'qualify'...having 4 children, living in a 'small' house (there's no way a child would get their own room). I just feel so lost. My hearts desire all my life has been to be a Mom. I'm SO thankful for my children, so blessed beyond measure. But I want to mother more than these! I know God's desire is for women to have babies, to be mothers, to train them up in His ways. So then why can't that happen? Sometimes I let Satan get in there, telling me its because I'm not a good enough mother.

That's another thing. When will I get off my butt and DO things with the kids? Sure, we've been busy doing lots of fun things, going lots of places. But I mean doing things like baking cookies, reading, art...I just have no desire to do anything like that since I lost Nathaniel. I have to push myself to cook dinner and I've only done that a few times!!! I feel like it will never get easier. I feel like I'm just failing. Then I think about school...its already almost the end of July and I've got nothing ordered, researched or anything for school. Yikes! I feel like it takes so much effort to do such little things that I can't do big things like that. I hate it. I hate being like this, feeling like this. I even entertained the idea of putting them in school, just for this year. But why, just so I could sit on my computer all day? How selfish of me!!!

I am thankful for some things I accomplished today:
-I made an appointment for Gabe's wart that hasn't gotten better
-I called my dr. office to ask for a referral to a geneticist (I found this info on our insurance site: Chromosome analysis (to include karyotyping and/or high resolution chromosome analysis) in some cases of habitual abortion or infertility
-I planned park days for our homeschool group for 2 months!
-I called a few adoption agencies and got a bit of info
-I even found all the housing at the bases Zach put on his dream sheet!!! That was more of a fun thing
-Laundry, lots and lots of it

I'm sure there was more I was going to post, its just a matter of not being able to think. I've had to stick Abby's toys in their swings numerous times, been asked numerous times by Hannah about printing pictures and just have such a distracted brain these days. How on earth will I prepare for a short camping trip/family reunion to MI when I can't even think???

Ya just can't escape it...

Today was a good day. We drove a little over an hour away to Iowa Falls and met up with a former coworker of Zach's. Mary worked in MS with Zach and we hung out with them a few times. She was in Iowa visiting family with her two boys so we went and met up for pizza. Then we went to this swinging bridge they have there- it was really neat. It was a nice little visit and not even bad of a drive. When we got back to town Zach wanted to drive through the neighborhood we always go and look at open houses at. There's this new house that's not completed yet but we saw somebody pull up to it and asked if we could look at it. Turns out the guy was the builder and he was more than cool about it- even with our 4 kids! Wow, I think that one is my new favorite!!! It wasn't even complete and I FELL in love with it! Of course its like $300,000 MORE than what we paid for OUR house so totally out of our league...we just like to dream :) The part of the basement that was finished was bigger than our whole house!!! Yet the house wasn't like a mansion-like or anything! I really wish we had a bigger home so we could be hospitable. I told Zach that if we had a house like that we could house youth for conventions and things like that- that would be so much fun! Another cool thing about it- underneath the front porch is a tornado shelter!!! Coolness!

We then decided we'd see if our sitter could watch the kids. We came home and I took a nice little nap. Then we went to Panera for a bite to eat and decided to go to the movie. We had a great time! At the end of August it will be our turn to 'host' a night for our small group. We each, as a couple, get to decide what we do that night. So far they've had a BBQ/picnic at the 'lake' and a gym night. We came up with the coolest idea...but I don't want to share here in case anyone from my group reads my blog ;) I wish we didn't have to wait until the end of August to do it! lol

We went and saw Grown Ups. I wasn't sure how it'd be because some Adam Sandler movies are such trash. This was SO FUNNY! I don't think I laughed that hard at a movie since 4 Christmases! Totally worth going to watch! And you know the movie 'Meet the Parents'? There was a preview for 'Little Fockers'! FUNNY! Anyway, right before the movie began I heard this lady behind me who'd gotten this phone call. I didn't hear what she was saying, but then a few minutes later I heard her again, saying, "She's here. Six pounds such and such ounces, no height yet." Then she must've made another call and I heard it again. Can I just get away from things like that??? That was a tough moment. I want to be the one with a 6 pound baby to love and hold! Speaking of babies, SO many more people are announcing on facebook that they're pregnant so I had to go ahead and hide some of their comments for now. It's just so difficult. Not as difficult for those who've been pregnant for awhile like a few of my friends here, but for the newly pregnant people it just hurts (some of them anyway). I'm happy for them, but sad for me. Anyway, I don't wanna end a good day on a bad note. I'm thankful for the good day we had.

Dreams, dreams go away...

I haven't really felt like blogging these days. Anyway, I had the weirdest dream this morning and before I forget about it I want to blog about it. Here goes:

My mom had a baby boy. It was her baby. I must have not seen him much, if at all, as I was very sad about it all. We were all at some sort of place where there were different rooms, lots of people, a pool...almost like a combination school, hotel, mall or something? I don't know. Anyway, finally I had this feeling I just had to see the baby now. So I try to find her and can't and I text her. We meet up in this hallway or something and Kim (my stepdad) is carrying him. I grab for him and just look at him and I think I start to cry. He also has on an outfit that I bought at a garage sale for Nathaniel, the only outfit I've kept. I remember then being in a pool with him, just looking at him and feeling so happy, feeling like he was mine. Then rather than sitting in the shallow end of the pool where I was I began to walk toward the deep end. I spotted my parents and then realized I was supposed to have the baby- but I couldn't find him anywhere. I freaked out looking at the bottom of the pool, fearing the worst. Somehow he was somewhere safe and we were relieved.

We then were marveling at him and maybe he was going to eat? I can't remember if I was trying to nurse him or what? But his mouth was really weird. My mom was saying something about sticking a finger in his mouth and massaging it or something. Then I looked at his mouth and it was real red and huge, swollen like or something, with some weird things hanging out of it. Then we noticed blood and I was saying maybe his mouth was bleeding, but we couldn't figure out where from so we dismissed it. Then again we saw blood in the pool (even though we weren't in the pool anymore) and freaked out and decided we needed to get him to the ER right away. Then I woke up.

How crazy, freaky and just weird. I attribute some of it to the fact that I was reading a book about a lady who's pregnant before I went to bed. I read online on our local news about teens drowning in a town pool, and some things we talked about at Mommies with Hope Thursday night. I don't know, it was strange and I couldn't help feeling when I woke up like my baby was 'taken' from me because what kind of mother would I be, allowing my mom's baby boy to almost drown? UH, I HATE that feeling and I know its not true...dreams are so weird!

Difficult

I wasn't really looking forward to my appointment today, but little did I know how emotional I'd get. I could barely walk in the door. Thankfully I got to go to the office near home, the one where I haven't been while I was pregnant. I didn't want to go to the big office, the one where I'd found out the news, the one where so many pregnant women would be. At least here I didn't see a single pregnant person! That was great!

It seemed like I waited forever. I sat in the waiting room for quite a bit and then again after the nurse brought me back to a room I seemed to sit and sit and sit. I hate when they do that- they tell you 'undress from the waste down' and then you're sitting there for like 10 minutes pretty much naked! Lovely! Anyway, I had to hold back tears when talking with the nurse. I'd never seen her before, not sure if she knew my 'story' but still...just being there. I tried to not look around the room, tried not to notice the ultrasound machine sitting next to the table I sat upon. When I was weighed I couldn't believe it- over 10 lbs more than my normal weight! I haven't been eating the healthiest, I admit it, but sometimes I just don't even eat because I'm just not very hungry. I remember gaining weight after I lost Malachi too, but don't recall how much. I know I wasn't this heavy when I went to deliver Nathaniel, that's for sure. Talk about disheartening and annoying!

As soon as the doctor walked in I pretty much lost it, crying. I hope she doesn't put 'postpartum depression' on my chart like they did the last time this happened! She checked to make sure everything was ok, talked about how the chromosomes were fine when they checked it out and asked about birth control. I have her this article, that my friend Angie found, but she said its probably unlikely since it doesn't run in our families. I still may call the number on the bottom of the article though. She said we could always do genetic counseling but that usually insurance doesn't cover it, so I may check with our insurance. I really, really just feel like this isn't another 'fluke' thing that 'just happens'. Yes, I know God has a plan and all that, but I just feel like something's gotta be going on that I lost TWO babies at 14 weeks like that, another who died around 8 but I didn't lose until 12.

The doctor was so sweet, even gave me a hug when I got up to leave. I walked outside and the tears just wouldn't stop falling! Good thing I didn't have very far to drive because I couldn't see a thing with all the tears! She asked if I'm doing ok, I just told her I was emotional and it was hard because I was there, its not like I'm constantly in tears! I don't have time to just sit around and cry with my other 4 kiddos at home!

On a bright note I got my mothers ring today!!! I had 3 stones added to it- it's amazing how much bigger it looks! I'll have to try to get a good picture so you can see. But even when I picked that up (which was before the dr. appointment) I about began to cry, thinking of the three stones on there, the three babies in heaven. I did cry a bit on the way home.

Where I'm At

We had a really good weekend. Saturday morning we went to the Summerfest parade. It was so fun watching the kids' excitement! Abby really liked it too and it was great seeing her wave to the people and dance to music! My kids were so sweet with their candy- often giving it to the little boy next to us- and they still came home with a ton of candy! The boy's mom commented on how our kids are the most polite kids she's ever met (she must not be around many kids was Zach's comment)! We came home and just relaxed. The boys and Zach worked on making their new Lego's, Hannah played quietly in her room and I read and napped with Abby. That evening we went to the little carnival and blew some money on some of the games there. What a rip off! The kids had fun playing games though! They won a few cheap carny toys. Then we went to Wig & Pen for dinner- yum their pizza is awesome!

Sunday we had a great sermon in church- one I really want to go back and listen to and meditate on. The music was so fitting to 'me', yet also difficult. Sometimes I have to just hold back from singing so I don't cause a flood of tears. Other times I just need to marvel at the words of the songs. Sometimes its just difficult to sing the words. Last night a friend from college, Jenny, and her two kids plus another kid that's with them came to stay! They're on their way back to Oklahoma from Michigan. The kids are having a blast together and its been fun to catch up with Jenny. I'm amazed at how well the kids play- sometimes you just never know how well kids will get along! They'll leave tomorrow morning.

Speaking of tomorrow...I have my doctor appointment. I'm a bit nervous. I just have so many questions and I hope I remember to ask them all! Plus I STILL have my period and I really don't want to be 'checked' during that...maybe they'll hold off and still answer my questions! We also have ID appointments at the reserve base to get new military IDs and I have my 31 Gifts party. A busy, busy day tomorrow will be. I'm hoping to get to relax a bit also, and to prepare some food for the party and I still need to find a sitter for the kids! Yikes!

Emotionally, sometimes I'm doing ok. I'm still not 'good' though. Will I ever be? So many questions still swim through my mind, and it seems new ones keep popping up. It is still so difficult to see pregnant women and they're pretty hard to avoid! We just really desire to have a baby, still. Please pray for direction, that God would lead us to do what He desires.

Hip Hip Horray!!!

Hannah's home at last! We left yesterday afternoon and drove to a suburb of Minneapolis where we met up with my parents and Hannah. We had a good time going to dinner, swimming in the pool and hanging out a bit in the hotel (we had adjoining rooms, though I'm not sure Papa liked that too much)! Today we went to the Mall of America. We only went to go to The American Girl store and Legoland but we also walked around Nickelodeon Universe. It was SO fun watching the enthusiasm of Hannah in the AG store! I hope she fully absorbed it- it seemed she kept bouncing from one thing to the next! Her doll, April, got her hair done while we shopped around. Hannah picked up quite a few things today and we even got Abby a Bitty Baby Twin with blond hair and blue eyes! Next time we need to go on some of those rides- fun! We also got to 'see' Spongebob & Patrick. We spent wayyyy too much money on the kids today, but it was worth it!

We had a good ride home and stopped at this big Cabela's store in Owatonna, Minnesota. It's not nearly as great as the new Bass Pro Shop they just built around here. We also ate a great 'linner' at some nearby restaurant.

Zach had to pick up his car in Ames, since I met him at work. On the way between there and home I turned on our local Christian radio station. God was SO in that music! EVERY single song was meant for me...and I bawled a good portion of the way home! First was this Third Day song talking about God being there in teh sadness when no one else understands. Then that Blessed Be the Name of the Lord song by Matt Redman I mentioned not too long ago. Then I'll Fly Away. Seriously, I sobbed my eyes out on that one. THEN the one I blogged about What Faith Can Do. Really, God??? He's sure trying to get my attention!!! I needed that. Now to listen!

~F~I~V~E~

After I posted yesterday about waking up sad my mom called to tell me that Malachi and Nathaniel were going to be buried that day at noon. I just cried. Burial equals finality, to me. I'm so glad Malachi was finally moved up to Michigan, but to think that my pregnancy is really over with Nathaniel...I don't know sometimes it is still just a shock to me. Rather than counting up to my due date I'm counting the weeks that have gone by...today marks 5 weeks since we found out. I should be 23 weeks pregnant today :(

The only ones who were at the burial were the grave diggers, Sue (the lady from the funeral home), my mom and Hannah. Sue said a prayer, they all said The Lord's Prayer. I guess Hannah got a bit teary eyed. As soon as my mom called when it was over I lost it again. I was overcome with such sadness and emotion, but it felt so good to let it out. I'm finding I'm able to do that a bit easier these days. There have been days when I want to cry but I just can't!

I didn't want to do anything yesterday. We had a get-together for our small group but I was not in the mood to be around people. I didn't want to fake being happy or bring people down or even really see anybody. I just wanted to 'be'. Zach had brought home some work to do anyway. We watched a movie once the kids went to bed. I think maybe I kept keeping myself so busy that now all I want to do is be with my family. Or even my closest friends, those I can really open up to.

It's almost the middle of July (well it will be before we know it) and I still have to figure out school stuff for next year! I like to try to shop ebay or something for it all so I should get on the ball, but who can even think about that stuff? The only uncertainty I have with it all is with history. My kids haven't been enjoying The Mystery of History so we need to take a break from it. I'm just not sure what we'll do, but I think I'd like to focus on American history. Any ideas, please throw them out there!

Itch

I forgot to mention recently how we've already lived here in Iowa for 2 years! It's so hard to believe that much time has gone by! I'm thankful for all the people God has brought into our lives here. Even before we moved here I had friends (thanks to the internet). From churches to homeschool groups to friends I've met here or there its been awesome. I like that there are things to do here- good shopping, a bit of outdoor things, some smaller museums, a zoo. We live in a great neighborhood and have great neighbors. But I'm already beginning to get that 'itch'. I know much of it has to do with the loss of Nathaniel. I barely felt this way before everything happened. Now I just wish we lived on a base, had a military community and support system, especially when it comes to dealing with loss and the recent things going on at Zach's job. And to think we'd live in a probably new and much bigger house really makes me want out of here! I'd totally miss my friends, especially my two closest ones! Last night my Aunt & Uncle stopped in for a bit on their way to Oklahoma. My uncle is retired from the Army so they know all about military life. I love moving around and seeing new places, meeting new people, making a new house our home. So, pardon me while I itch a bit and think of the two remaining years here!

Cuddle time

This morning I awoke to such sweet cuddles and hugs from Abby. I loved every bit of it. But then my mind went to the cuddles I'll never receive from Nathaniel, the sweet times I'll never get to hold him or nurse him or hold him close and comfort him. It still breaks my heart. I miss my baby! Not to give you TMI, but I got my period yesterday. I'm trying to not be bitter about it as I think how I should be pregnant, not have that thing! I guess my body is 'on track' since its been a month, but why can't it be 'on track' when it comes to pregnancy. I've had some really good talks with people recently, my friend Kim who lives all the way in Georgia and my sister-in-law and I had a good talk, cry and prayer time on the phone. I'm so thankful for the people God had placed in my life at the right time to say the right things. It doesn't happen too often these days ;)

More Lyrics

I've heard this song in the past, but the other day after I had lunch with a friend this song was so timely as it came on the radio after our conversation. You can listen to it here. The lyrics just spoke to me that day as I sat and wondered, "Now what?" I still don't have the answer to that question, but anyway here are the lyrics. Well, I was going to paste them but its a mumbo jumbo so click here to view them!

~HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY~

I'm proud to be free, but so many of the freedoms that this country was founded on have been taken away from us or are slowly being taken away and that is scary.

I'm proud to live in a country that was founded on Christ, but to think how far this country has fallen causes me to cringe and lose a bit of that pride.

So you see, throughout the years slowly my pride for America has waned. I'm so thankful for those who have come here long before us to begin a nation that can freely worship Christ, but what has happened to that nation? Where are the values that were instilled in the children of William Bradford and the other Pilgrims that took the long journey across the vast ocean?

So it is with a thankful heart, yet a heavy heart that I celebrate this Independence Day. I'm so thankful that God has placed me in a country that is so much 'better off' than many other countries. I've no wont of food out of desperation, no fear of death or genocide and I have a steady roof over my head. I'm thankful I can still freely worship my Lord & Savior Jesus Christ. I'm thankful for the liberties we do still possess. But my heart is also heavy for the state of this land, for its people have fallen so far from the values that were instilled in the very first "Americans". So, today, instead of saying "God bless America" I'm going to steal a quote a friend had on facebook, "BLESS GOD, AMERICA." Let's fall on our knees and turn back to Him- let's make our forefathers proud and more importantly let's walk in obedience to God.

Happy Independence Day!

What Do I Say?

A month has passed and I wonder how it can be so. June 2nd, a day that we really looked forward to, a day that became a nightmare I didn't think I could live through again, and yet here I am. I can't even believe its been a month. A month from this moment I lay in a hospital bed getting prepped to deliver our dead baby. I was in shock. I was nervous. I just wanted the whole physical part to be done with so I could deal with the rest. And I still feel like I haven't completely dealt with it. But I guess that's how grief is. You don't just 'get over it' and move on. Sometimes you're just immobile, stuck in place wondering how on earth you ended up where you are. Sometimes you think maybe you took a step toward healing when, "WHAM" it hits you yet again. Just little things. Tonight just driving to the grocery store I began to cry for what I no longer 'have'. It is so hard to cling, to hold on to the HOPE I have. But I do. I am still not functioning properly, if that makes sense. I just 'get by'. I do what I have to do, but nothing more. I think the most difficult thing right now is me caring for my kids. I just don't want to do it. I LOVE them, I'm THANKFUL for them but it seems like such a HARD task sometimes. The tiniest, littlest things set me off! I remember it being the same after I lost Malachi. So, that's where I'm at. I still miss my baby like crazy, I miss being pregnant like nothing else and I just hurt. Even when I'm having a good time, still in the back of my mind lies my sorrow- it is part of me now, ever present. I'm thankful for your prayers, love and all through this time! Please keep it up- its a long road and I'm nowhere near the 'end' of it. I need you to walk alongside me, to pick me up when I fall and to hold my had- to cry with me, laugh with me, remember with me!

Randoms

Abby is so funny. She's playing with her dollhouse and was saying, "Ma, ma, ma" trying to get my attention. I say a word that I think she's trying to say until I finally look- she had the man on the potty and she was saying, "Poo!" She's such a goofy kid!

When I was putting her for a nap she happened to pull my shirt wide open, trying to peer down it! Hmm, maybe she's seen her daddy try that trick too many times? ;)

We're trying to figure out what to do with our we're going to do with our weekend. I totally don't want to go out of town but at the same time I'm afraid if we stick at home Zach will get called to work to deal with the 'issue'. It is all so ridiculous. Last night I completely flipped out about it- full blown tears, just so angry! I feel like because of the stress of work I can't deal with grieving Nathaniel. WHY should MY husband have to 'support' some other woman? She got herself into her own mess...ohhh it is such a nightmare! And of course, I'm hormonal, grieving, post-partum so everything to me is just magnified right now. I remember after Malachi too, things would just easily upset me. Today I got a statement in the mail from anesthesia and it really, really hit home- especially when I saw the terms vag. delivery & D&C. I just want to cry out, "IT'S NOT FAIRRRRRR!!!!!!" To which I hear a little voice nag, "Life isn't fair, Jamie."

Today marks 4 weeks. 4 long, miserable weeks. When I wonder where June went I cringe. What a horrible month and yet I didn't' want it to be over. That means...I don't know what it means. More time has passed since I was pregnant, more time has passed since I held my baby, time is creeping closer to my due date, I think about how my belly 'would' be right now...it just hurts. Will the pain go away? Will it ease? I was talking to my friend yesterday. Her little brother died almost a year ago (he was 17). I remember that day so well. I cried, I grieved and I barely knew her brother, yet I felt like I knew him through her. She was talking about her mom and how her mom was doing well with the grief but now it's starting to surface again...I imagine since it's coming close to the year mark. While other's go on, us mother's, we mark each little date about our lost children and grieve, almost silently, for them. My friend wrote a wonderful poem.

Today there was a loss A silent loss One of hundreds of thousands felt all over the world...If you looked at me you would not be able to tell But none the less I feel the emptiness What millions hope, dream and pay money for I morn bitterly Today there was a loss A silent loss Life goes on, try again, it was never really there These sayings ring through the air As if these people really even care Easy to say You did not just lose a piece of yourself Today there was a loss A silent loss Force yourself to smile As the people walk by or call or stand there talking about themselves They will never know Say something and you are looking for sympathy Stay silent and die inside alone God knows...Today there was a loss A silent loss You are never alone Your loss is not your own We are a silent army who are plagued with the badge Those who carry for awhile But miss it so bad.

By Carrie Farris

In other news, my boys have been sooooo hyper! It is really driving me crazy. And I'm always at the end of my rope and just 'lose it' so easily these days. I feel so bad and yet I feel like I can't stop myself, if that makes sense. Good thing its a long weekend!