Coping

Yesterday I was looking at the pictures I'd taken of Nathaniel. Wow. He looked so perfectly formed. Little, tiny fingers and toes. To think I'd never have a chance to hold his hand, to tickle those tiny feet.

Today in church I felt so sad. Just thinking it was my 'first' time there without him. I wanted to still be carrying him. I had dreamed of holding him in church while we sing, cuddling him. Now I don't have that opportunity.

At a garage sale the other day there was a baby. I wanted to ask how much he cost :) I'd have bought him in a heartbeat!

Speaking of garage sales, my mom went Thursday night, Friday and Saturday mornings! I would just rush past the baby items. To think I was really looking forward to garage sales and finding baby items. Now I just find for my other kids, which is great too...but still there's an 'emptiness'.

There have been moments when Zach and I will just lay in bed...even during the day. He'll just hold me. It makes me cry more, but it is such a loving gesture. Then I just let the questions and tears flow. Did I do something wrong? Maybe I yelled at the kids too much and God didn't think me fit to be a mother again. Why would he give us this baby to take it away? I don't care right now about the 'benefit' of others, I just want my baby. I feel so empty.

Singing songs in church...I couldn't even sing. I just let the words sink in. "Let your kingdom come, let your will be done so that everyone will know your name" Do we really know what we're saying when we sing those words? I've sung them before but did I REALLY mean 'let your will be done'. Right now I want MY will to be done! In time I know that will change. Or the song 'Blessed Be Your Name'..."your give and take away" Sigh.

It is good for me when I stay busy. I know I need to 'deal' with it but also I just want to be busy, busy, busy. Lots of shopping. Garage sales. Today my mom and I are going to see "Letters to Juliet" which will be another nice distraction.

Zach goes to work tomorrow. My mom leaves next weekend and will probably take Hannah with her for a couple of weeks. Sigh. I feel like I won't be able to 'do it' alone. Yet I know I'm not alone...I guess I'll continue to stay busy but things just won't be the same. They'll never be the same. Now we need to find another 'new normal'.

We received flowers from our babysitters family the other day. What a sweet gesture. I talked to them on the phone but last night Zach and I ran out and so we stopped by there so I could thank them in person. I walked into the house and the father and two girls were singing the most beautiful song about Jesus. Wow, it hit me and I began to cry. It was totally a God thing. It was nice to visit with them a bit.

Gone

So, I think we thought it would still take awhile for everything to happen. My mom was driving down and Zach decided to run home and meet the kids there, get them ready for bed. Thanks SO much Sadie for staying the night with them and watching them ALL day! I know they were in good hands and know they had a blast. Well, I was given a dose of Cytotec again after Zach left, my mom was nearing Des Moines and my epidural was working but also starting to wear off a bit. For some reason I ended up throwing up that dose of Cytotec. So, they were going to give more and also some anti-nausea medicine. When I have any type of procedure done I just get so chilled and shaky. I was like that off and on the entire time I was there. I wasn't necessarily always cold, but boy did I hate being that way! Well, I was 'shivering' so the nurse went to get some heated blankets (I love those things). She went to remove my other blankets and put the heated ones right on top of me and exclaimed, "OH, you delivered your baby!" I was like, "WHAT?" I sat right up and there was my tiny baby right between my legs, lying there so lifeless, so helpless, so perfect. It is kind of a blur at this point. I know I talked to Zach and my mom, letting them both know I'd 'had' the baby. The doctor was called and came in. They determined it was a boy- it was so obvious. I was crying, just staring at my son laying there so helplessly. I took a couple of pictures. I was in pain as by this point the epidural really wore off and the placenta still hadn't come out. I was trying to push on my stomach. The nurses would also, but boy it HURT when they did it. My mom showed up. I hated that she had to see me in pain but I really wanted her there. She got to see the baby. Zach showed up. The doctor tried to remove the placenta with forceps but couldn't so it was decided I needed a "D&C". Not really the "D" part since I was already dilated. It took forever to get that done because we had to wait for the doctor to finish a c-section and we had to wait for an available room. I was just hurting so bad, moving my legs all around to try to ease the pain and moaning. My mom left and came home to sit with the kids.

On a separate note I think I totally forgot to mention about 'visitors' that day. Our pastor stopped by which was nice. The hospital chaplain came in. His name was Eric. He sat with us, talked a bit. He was so understanding. I'm sure he deals with situations like this quite often. He said some things to me that showed that he really understood and cared. I cried. What a blessing. Also, Sadie & Jenn brought the kids up briefly. Then Zach took the kids out to the playground for a few minutes and S & J prayed for me. That was so special.

Ok, so finally I was set to go back and get the D&C. By then Nancee had left and I had a different nurse. She was so young looking! I was thinking, "Oh boy...how will this go?" I just wanted Nancee! As it was Nancee had stayed 1/2 hour to an hour over her shift!

I hate those operating rooms. So bright. So cold. The anesthesiologist was there and told me he decided to put me to sleep. That was fine with me. I couldn't imagine being awake for that! I remember them covering my left arm with a heated blanket because I just was shivering. They put the pulse sox on my finger and I was moving my head to make sure the 'cord' wasn't behind it. That's the last thing I remember. It's so weird when they put you to sleep!

Sour Lemons

This afternoon is our Memorial Service for Nathaniel. It seemed like we'd never get it planned and I was getting quite irritated about it, but here it is. It still sometimes seems so unreal. I wonder how it will go. I wonder how I'll hold up. I remember so clearly our service for Malachi. Dr. Mike did an awesome job and JR, the 'music man' sang Amazing Grace. That song has taken on a whole new meaning to me since that day. But, boy the tears fell. Still thinking on that day, with my sons body in that tiny box. Now, I get the privilege of doing it all over again with another baby (sarcasm). It sure sucks.

Special

http://www.etsy.com/shop/bugaboojewelry?page=1

Down

Boy, I sure feel down today. Maybe part of it is the weather. I have been so very angry with it all. I don't remember having such anger last time. It's not like I'm lashing out or anything, just feel so angry in my spirit. Questioning God, "Why did you have to take MY baby? Why again? Wasn't the other 2 enough? Why even allow me to get pregnant if you're going to take my baby away?" So. Much. Anger. I'm glad He's forgiving and understanding! Laying in bed at night and in the morning is awful. Those were the times I'd lay and dream about baby...wondering if it were a boy or girl, dreaming of holding, kissing and loving that child. I read something somewhere this morning about not only do we have to grieve the loss of a child, but also the loss of the dreams we had for that child. Both Zach and I and even the children had already 'planned' for Nathaniel to join our family! We talked about where all the kids would sit in the suburban, we talked about sleeping arrangements. I'm sure the kids wondered what it'd be like to play with another sibling, to hold another baby, to love on and cherish that precious babe. Sigh. Shattered dreams. Crushed hopes. I know my baby is in a MUCH better place but that honestly doesn't even bring a slight smile to my heart right now. *I* wanted my baby. *I* dreamed for my baby. I still desire to hold his precious body against mine. I lay in bed just wanting to feel kicks, wishing I could cuddle and nurse my little boy. Zach will lay next to me and put his arm around me and I just cry. The love from that little gesture. He rests his hand upon my stomach, out of habit, and I just want to cry and cry and never stop. For that stomach is empty. Broken. Such sadness. Such anger. Just wanting to be honest...

Love those drugs!

I can't remember what dose it was (with the Cytotec) when they then gave me Laminaria also. That was quite painful as I was cramping then also! That's like this seaweed stuff that they insert to open the cervix. It certainly worked! I was I think only a little softened before they began that method. I remember being given so many drugs...for the diarrhea, for the pain, for whatever! Finally I was quite uncomfortable and they asked if I wanted an epidural. I was thinking how silly that was, afterall I don't need to be fully dilated to expel the little baby. But, they were very concerned that I just be as comfortable as possible, especially in my situation. So, I caved in! They were right, its horrible enough having to go through this, but then to have the pain on top of it! It just isn't fair, as a kid would say!

I think I forgot to mention how wonderful my nurse was on Thursday. Her name was Nancee. She's been nursing for 32 years so she just seemed so motherly, which was totally what I needed. She came in and asked how I was and said she was there just for me, to take care of me. She stayed by my side much throughout the day and I was her only patient. She was so caring, so kind, so concerned. God is so good to provide such people when we need them!

Ok, so the epidural...whew now THAT is a story. I've had epidurals with my boys and spinals with my girls so I'm quite familiar with them all! It is still quite nerve wracking though! I was leaning over the pillow with the nurse in front of me. The doctor numbed my back and I'm not sure he inserted any sort of needle (because when I shouted out he said he didn't do anything yet). All of a sudden I heard this weird noise in my left ear (almost like tingling nerves or something) and my head felt like it exploded and all went black. My head felt 20 times bigger than normal and hurt more than it's ever hurt before. I was like, "OW, my head!" and told them what happened, but then my right leg went numb. I'm still hunched over the pillow and my left leg started to numb. He said that wasn't supposed to happen and asked me to move them. I couldn't. So, they wanted me to lay down. Well, I started to lay back, but I felt like I was falling and like I was teetering and going to fall off of the bed! Zach says I was nowhere near to falling off but it sure felt like it and was so scary. As soon as I laid my head down it began to pound again (for just a short time) and I said something like, "I feel like I'm gonna die." Zach was laughing and pretty much calling me a drama queen, but man it hurt and then I got so nervous, just hoping I wouldn't be paralyzed or something! The anesthesiologist checked if there was fluid and then had to redo the epidural. By this point I was numb from the upper part of my stomach down- a true spinal! So when he asked if I could sit up, of course not! Zach and the nurse rolled me to my side so he could administer it that way. Well, laying on my side I felt like I was rocking on a boat! It was the weirdest feeling! It also felt like they'd tipped the bed sideways also, somehow! I asked them and told them that and they just laughed. They must have thought me quite loopy, but that's honestly what it felt like! It is so funny to me now!

Once that was all squared away I tried to relax. I guess the spinal would last at least an hour and he just had a small amount of the epidural prescribed. Aaahh, the drugs sure are my friends to take away the physical pain!

Brings me smiles

This is so funny and cute. I think this was the night before this whole nightmare began. Aaahh, I love my children!

Decisions

It was never a question in our minds what we would 'do'. We knew we would do the same thing we did with Malachi, induce labor. I just prayed it wouldn't take 3 weeks like last time! Well, I wished, for I really couldn't 'pray' anything. I think I forgot to mention that the baby died about 14 weeks, same as Malachi had. So I was carrying my dead baby around for 4 weeks without even knowing it. The thing that gets me is I had been in for an ultrasound at 13 weeks and the baby was perfect! What went wrong?

Zach arranged with the doctor for me to go up to Labor & Delivery about 9:30 pm that night to begin 'inducing'. The good thing about being here is they were way more familiar with this procedure than Keesler had been. We arranged child care (thanks Sadie) and just sat around all day, waiting, waiting, waiting. I hated the fact that I had to go to the hospital yet again to deliver a dead baby. Sure, I know he's 'alive' in heaven, but that didn't do much to soothe my pain (and still doesn't). Meanwhile, I'd had a few visitors, my friend's Jenn and Sarah. Sarah bought us pizza for dinner, which was so nice to not have to think about what to feed the family!

I was pretty quiet on the way to the hospital. I was so nervous. Would I 'almost' die like last time, losing so much blood? Would my body work with the medicine to expel the baby? Would we be able to tell if it were a boy or a girl?

It really stinks having to walk up to L&D 'empty'. I wanted to play a mind game with myself, that I was there to deliver my healthy baby, that I'd come home with! Not the case, however. And it stinks when they're 'expecting' you...they know what you're there for. I mean, yes, they need to know, but UGH, I'm THAT person. I get settled in, get the blood drawn, get poked 3 times for the IV and wait. I hadn't met the doctor that was on call until that night, Dr. Tran, but she was so super nice and sweet. I immediately felt comfortable with her, thank God. It all seems like a blur, but at some point that gave me the Cytotec and I sat back just waiting for it to work. I couldn't sleep much that night for I was "willing" the stuff to give me contractions and do its thing! My goal was to just get over the whole physical part of it all. It hadn't sunk in totally why I was there or what was going on or that my baby was actually dead. I just focused on getting past the physical.

The second dose of Cytotec was double the dose so they thought for sure it'd produce more of something. Ha, I have a very stubborn body. I said its broken and that I need a new one. Stupid body. Can't carry a baby, can't expel a dead one. What the heck!?! So, it just was a big huge waiting game. Wait, wait, wait. I had diarrhea from the Cytotec and some cramping, but nothing too horrible and I wasn't really dilating or anything. Wait, wait, wait.

Ultrasound day

Ultrasound day! We were so excited to go see baby! I was also a bit apprehensive, but just because of my previous 'issues'. It was the first time I'd wanted to know the sex of the baby. We all thought it was a boy, although the kids were all rooting for another girl. I couldn't believe the day was finally here- 18 weeks!

The lady called me back and the kids were all excited. They saw baby on the screen and were like, "I see his eyes! Look at his hair!" I was just laughing at them. They were determined that by the eyes and hair it was a boy. I was mainly concerned about finding a heartbeat, which I didn't see. But I am so dumb when it comes to ultrasounds that I just thought I was missing something. I also didn't see baby moving but just told myself she had it on still image. She began measuring right away and was quiet, but I just assumed she was doing her work measuring baby. Then she got up from the computer and said, "I need to look at your chart" and went to her desk. I'm thinking- what the heck! They don't do something like that in the middle of an ultrasound! She asked if I had some sort of test (sequential screen or something) and I told her I had. She then grabbed my folder and said she'd be right back. Immediately I looked at Zach and said, "What's wrong?" Oh, the dread. What the heck! So I thought, "Ok, maybe the baby's just got down's syndrome or something, I can deal with that" but that wasn't the case. It seemed like eons went by, but it was probably only a few minutes, when the doctor came in with the ultrasound tech and said something like "Bad news. How do you want to deal with this with the kids?" I seriously thought I was in a nightmare. He began talking to the kids about this baby being an angel and yadda yadda and I just covered my face and sobbed loudly, saying, "I can't deal with this again! NO!" I believe the kids asked if the baby was dead and Hannah was also crying. I was so, so, so very angry. I just wanted to get up and punch the wall and yet I couldn't move. All I could do was lay there in disbelief.

I couldn't move, I just couldn't do anything. The doctor said something about 'talking about options' but how we could do it at another time. Zach said we'd just call, and we were left alone in our grief. Finally, I said, "I gotta get out of here" for I couldn't take just sitting in there any longer. One minute I was immobile, the next I just needed to go. Maybe leaving would make it all go away? Was it really even happening? Again? It was like a recurring nightmare. Are you kidding me? I just sat in the suburban in disbelief (I know I keep using that word). Here I'd never felt the baby move and felt like I wasn't gaining weight, but I thought I was just paranoid. Maybe it was my mother's instinct. The way home was very quiet. Josiah sat in the backseat, quietly crying. Hannah was crying, not able to stop. My tears would come and go.

When we got home I just sat on the couch. Now what? We were supposed to be celebrating! Zach took the whole day off and I had anticipated celebrating our baby! Zach sat next to me and we called the kids. Gabe was just running around, playing with Abby. Josiah and Hannah, Zach and I sat on the couch holding one another and crying. Immediately when we got home Hannah had run upstairs. She'd come down with her ultrasound picture of the baby. She had come to my very first appointment, which had fallen on her birthday. The doctor had given her a picture of the baby. And it was that picture she clung to as she sobbed for her lost sibling. Such a big heart, that girl has.

You just dream for your baby, dream holding them, loving them. Such big plans! And to find out those dreams just shattered. It crushes your entire world.

So much to say...

I don't even know where to begin. Do I start from the beginning? Or do I just simply put my thoughts right now, which are a big jumble. I honestly just didn't think we'd be going through this again. The first words out of my mouth were, through sobbing tears, "I can't go through this again." And yet here I am, going through it. Why? Wasn't once enough? Why me? Can't I just hold my little baby, fully grown, like I'd dreamed? I feel like its the end...like we just won't be having any more. I feel so empty. My arms are empty of a babe and my womb is empty of him also. And many say that I'm so blessed with four healthy children. Yes, thank you, I know that. I am truly blessed and very thankful for them. But that doesn't make the pain of losing THIS child any easier, not by a long shot. This morning as I listened to church online, since I couldn't bring myself to go to church, I cried through much of the worship. As they sang about hope I wondered what's the sense of it. I had hope. Hope my baby would be just fine. And look what good it did me. I know that God is my hope, I know all the cliche things that its His will and yadda yadda, but that just doesn't comfort at this time. Am I turning my back on God? Never. I just wonder, doubt and question. It is normal. It is ok. I know this. While I can't pray for myself, I know that your prayers are what's keeping my head above the water. It's the love and support of the body of Christ and it simply amazes me. That's all I can give right now.

Fog

I feel like I'm living in a fog. We had our ultrasound. Baby's dead. What a nightmare. Do I really have to go through this again? Why? Life is harsh. I just want my baby!!! I don't wanna do this again. It hurts. My heart just hurts.

Sigh

We have a plumber here. Wonder how much that will cost. Zach tried to fix a leak in our pipe and now the guys gonna have to cut that whole part of the pipe off because he can't get the stuff off that Zach put on it. Oh boy, I just wonder how much money we'll be throwing away today. I'm so mad that our pipe has a leak in it! Give me a break!

Speaking of breaks, it's pretty much summer break. Gabriel is now a 1st grader! He graduated from kindergarten today! I'm so proud of him! With all of my kids, we'll continue to do math review and reading throughout the summer, just to reinforce those and work on any issues they may have had throughout the year. I decided Josiah is done with his English so he's only got his math book left. Hannah has a poem left to write and then we're 'officially' done. I imagine that 'official' will be this week! It feels so good to be almost done. I can focus on getting things cleaned around the house that I don't normally clean. My shower is nasty. Plus I can really focus on the garage sale stuff the next few days. And then I can just relax, well to an extent. It will just be nice not to have lessons every day!

Crabby Pants

So, the kids had fun in the tent last night. They'll sleep in it again tonight. They're already out there playing. I don't see how since it must be hotter than blazes in there. Last weekend when we were on our date we went to Home Depot. I showed Zach some fire pits. Today we bought one. It's just a small, cheaper one. Then as I'm reading our local news station online I see that they may be illegal in our town. Great. So let's hope nobody will call the fire department on us tonight! That's all I need. I'm already feeling really crabby right now. Probably a lack of sleep. I couldn't sleep at all last night and then I heard Zach & the kids come in at 6:30 this morning. He then came up at 7:30 asking if I was going to sleep all day. No, but it would've been nice to sleep after 8! Sigh. So I think my lack of zzzz's is catching up with me. Abby is super clingy still and I'm just done. I keep thinking I only have 10 days left until Zach leaves. I really need to try to get some 'breaks' away in there, but I don't see that happening. Even some sleep would be nice!

Holiday Weekends

Can be so overrated. I get so depressed. We don't have our family around to spend time with. We miss out on family events. Then I feel like we're just losers and loners. Seriously, its not just the hormones either because this always happens. I get to thinking about all the people we know. How come we never get together with them? I can't even remember the last time we've been invited to somebody's house as a family, aside from Bible study! I want to think it was within our first 3 months of living here and we've been here almost 2 years. It makes me sad. I LOVE to have people over and I admit we haven't done it as often with moving in, having Abby, settling in, Zach gone, winter and morning sickness. But we have had some people over. We've tried to have others. And I don't want to feel like people need to 'reciprocate' as that isn't true hospitality. It would just feel nice to feel loved once in awhile. I suppose we have 'too many kids' and that is a 'deterrent'. Sometimes being a military family is SO HARD. And living here in Iowa, not a lot of people understand the whole military card. Most are from here and have family nearby or have lived here for a long time and have their 'roots'. Sigh.

Then let's move on to my daughter. I feel SO bad for her. We have quite a few little girls in the neighborhood, all about her age. She used to play with the twins across the street quite often last summer but hasn't really had a chance to yet this spring. A gal down the street, K, she plays with the most, but that doesn't always happen either. And I see all these girls riding their bikes together, playing and I feel bad that Hannah is left out. Now, there's been a few times when I've told her to go on out but by the time she gets out there they're gone on another street or inside! She hasn't told me anything about how she feels, but I'm sure she feels it! I feel it as her Mama (and Miss Sensitive One)! I really, really, REALLY wish I could find a good friend or two for her! I think it is so important for girls to have close (GODLY) friends! I need to pray about this for her more often...

Ok, so that's all heavy on my heart tonight. Meanwhile, Abby is sleeping next to me in my bed. She had a fever a couple of days ago and has since been sleeping with us! Bad habit! Her appetite has been a bit weird, but today was improved so I'm not sure what's going on (although I did notice this evening that her throat looked red). The other kids are sleeping out in the tent with daddy in the backyard!! Fun for them! I hope they have a good time and stay out there all night! I don't want my sleep interrupted! I had a busy day of teaching and finished cleaning the basement and I just want some SLEEP!

Answered prayer

Wow, God is awesome!!! Just yesterday I was praying so much about the whole job thing with Zach. Last night we really sat down and just talked about it all, trying to figure out what he should do, going over pros and cons, etc. We couldn't make a decision and I said to just wait and see what happens, that God would show us. I know waiting is so hard!!! Then when I went to bed I wanted to read a Psalm and I scrolled on the screen on my iPod and came to chapter 37. Here are some verses that stuck out to me:

v. 3 Trust in the Lord and do good
v. 4 Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.
v. 7 Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him
v. 23 If the Lord delights in a man's way, he makes his steps firm
v. 34 Wait for the Lord and keep his way.

Isn't it awesome how God speaks to us??? Wow! Then this morning I awoke and prayed right away and read a bit of my Bible again. This morning I prayed that God would just give us an answer TODAY regarding the job thing, that he would make it VERY clear. Wow, I checked my email this morning and there was one from Zach. Here's what it said:

FINALLY got some job info… I called to talked to agent L, but he and agent J (the two guys working my application) are both deployed…so I talked to agent N, and he said that a message came down 4 months ago saying that they weren’t accepting MSgts no more, but that could change in the future…looks like we got our answer!

Is that NOT crazy!?!? Talk about being SO clear! THANK YOU, GOD!!! I still have mixed feelings about it...but I know God is in control. So we're here for at least 2 more years. It's just so nice to know that, so we can just settle in and not wonder if we're moving in a year. Although I must say I'm still having a hard time accepting the fact that we're still gonna be crammed in this tiny house with yet one more body!!! Lord, give me contentment!!!

11 years!?!

Saturday we celebrated our 11 year anniversary! It is crazy to believe its been that long! Wow, where has the time gone! We went to America's Incredible Pizza for lunch. It's like a Chuck e Cheese, only better in my opinion. I have to admit our 'waitress' was very annoying. She must have had some sort of disability, but she wouldn't stop talking to us while we were trying to eat and she was just hovering over Zach's shoulder. I'd be talking to Zach and she'd just come up and interrupt! Very annoying! Then she said something about tips. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to tip you if you're going to start talking about getting good tips, especially when there are two long tables reserved for a birthday party- I'm sure you can get your tip that way!

I had probably about $30 left over from the last time we were there, before it opened to the public and we got the game cards for free so we didn't have to buy much in game cards! Zach and the three older kids did 2 go kart races and I took Abby on some little kid rides and did some little kiddie games with her. She got a kick out of throwing the ball...it was supposed to go in the fishes mouth but she just liked throwing it in the cage! I enjoyed watching her excitement over it! Last time we went all she could do was sit on some tiny carousel with one of her siblings! Zach and the kids had fun playing Guitar Hero. Zach's been wanting to buy it for quite some time, but I keep insisting we don't need it so he hasn't gotten it yet! I like the skee ball game and we all played some others as well. Zach and I also did a basketball 'competition'. We sure had a good time!

We ran to Toys R Us and got a slide for Abby. Since the other kids have grown up we've slowly gotten rid of the outdoor toddler toys, especially with moving! So she hasn't had much to play on in the backyard. She sure likes her slide!

I called the babysitter and Zach and I went out to dinner. We went to Outback and I'm so glad we did. I probably hadn't been there in almost two years. Oh yum, it was SOOO good! I ate ALL my salad, a bunch of bread, all my loaded baked potato and my steak (I think it was 10 oz)! Our waitress was awesome and then brought us a free dessert which I ate myself (Zach was like 'yuck' to the brownie)! We hadn't even told her it was our anniversary, she just said for being fun, good customers! Awesome! After than we walked around Home Depot, just looking at things we'd never buy and dreaming of bigger and better things that we really don't need! We also went to Wal-Mart and got a few groceries and then came home. We got the kids to bed and it was such a gorgeous evening we sat outside on our upstairs deck! What a wonderful day! Unfortunately the food I all gulped down didn't settle too well though!

Please keep me in your prayers. Lately I just have some anxiety over my pregnancy. I feel like its been awhile since I've been to the doctor and just worry a bit. I feel like I haven't gained weight in awhile, actually I feel like maybe I lost some (not sure if I did but I'm not sure how that would be possible seeing as I eat all the time). I would think that by now I'd be bigger and be feeling the baby's flutters but really I don't so I am just concerned. I go to the doctor June 2 and have my ultrasound and I'll be 18 weeks then. So please pray I have peace. And pray I feel my baby's movements!!!

We got an estimate on getting our basement completed but I'm not sure we will. As much as it would be nice I just don't think it'd be wise to spend THAT amount of money on something, especially not knowing how long we'll be here. We wish we'd get an answer on if Zach will get that other job or not as it'd give us somewhat of an idea of when we'd move (could be a year if he gets it, if not we could be here for 2 to 3 more). As much as I like Iowa and don't want to move there are reasons I DO want to move too! We have friends here, good neighbors, a good church and I like the weather (for the most part, I'm getting sick of the wind). We also live in a great town and really like the area. On the other hand, our house is so small and I would love to live in base housing again (dude we could have a 2 car garage plus our house could be doubled in size if we lived on base)! I miss having a military community around us. And I'm always ready for new adventures, to see new places! It's all in God's hands though! We'll just see what happens!

Today I've done some school outside with the kids, we ate lunch out there and then I put the sprinkler going. Now Zach aired up the pool and is filling that up. I bought what I thought was our normal one we get what seems to be every year but this thing is way bigger. It will be nice in ways, but not in other ways...especially with Abby, I didn't want something too big. The kids are having a blast though! I should either be outside in the sun or getting some much needed housework done, but first I wanted to update you again :) Thanks for reading!

Well...

So I WAS doing good blogging there for awhile, but then I guess I hit a rut. Actually I hadn't been on my computer much at all last week. When I needed to get online I'd just go on my iPod. It was actually nice as I didn't waste a bunch of time online! Speaking of iPods, yesterday we went to Best Buy and I checked out the iPad. Totallly cool! I had to get on this morning to do bills so here I've been on off and on all day while also teaching. It has been a LONG, LONG Monday in our house! I am so ready for school to be over and done with. I'm getting annoyed with it!

Let's see if I can hit on some highlights...I can't remember if I mentioned how Hannah got Abby to poop on the potty! Then Saturday Zach put her on her potty while I was getting ready for the day. She was kinda toddling around without a diaper up in our room for awhile and when he went to put her diaper on her he noticed her leg was wet on top. I looked and there was pee in her potty!!! I know I really should be working with her more but I seriously do not have time to do that right now. It is after 3 pm and we've been doing school since 9 this morning and we're not done. I need school to be done for the summer and then I'll tackle potty training! I feel like my housework is falling by the wayside and it is driving me crazy. I'm also trying to get ready for our yard sale. Yesterday I got most of the clothes sorted into sizes and priced so that was nice. I sure hope I make some money off of that thing or I'll be mad!

Pregnancy is going well. I normally don't feel too sick anymore, although I still am constantly starving! Especially at night! I can't believe in just a little over 2 weeks we'll find out the sex of the baby. I can't believe I even want to know this time around! I only want to know to have the proper clothing for him/her...otherwise I LOVE the surprise at the end! I still feel like its a boy, but I could be wrong about that! I thought Gabe was a girl the whole pregnancy and I remember walking through the hospital as I was going up to L&D and saying to Zach, "What if it IS a boy?" LOL

Ok, some boy is NOT working on his math even though I am sitting RIGHT next to him. I have NO idea what to do about how easily he is distracted...I am just at my ropes end with him. Did I mention it took him like 2 hours this morning to do 12 problems on his math sheet and he got them ALL wrong??? So, now he's sitting here redoing that sheet! I need a vacation!

Life

I was thinking last night I had something to blog about and do you really think I can remember what it is now! I hate that!

Zach took the day off today. I managed to do school with the kids and Zach went out and weed eated. He found a nest of 7 bunnies and the kids had so much fun playing with them! Poor things must be so cold- its freezing out there! I just hope Mama comes back to take care of them! So, we had science for the day :)

Last night I couldn't fall asleep so I was just praying and thanking God for all of His blessings. Then I was thinking about the baby and how blessed I feel to have another one. With 4 children as it is it's not like I have much time to sit and think about having a baby (not like when you're pregnant with your first)! We've talked about some names but I just kept going over them and trying to see if anything really 'stuck out' to go with our family! I'm still at a loss. It will be easier once we know if its a boy or girl, to come up with a name! This is the first time I've really wanted to find out the sex of the baby. I just don't have a lot of things for the season he or she will be born in and I really don't have many boy things at all. So, we'll find out and I'll really hit the garage sales!

Speaking of sales, we got our 'local' once-a-week paper today and in that paper alone 33 sales were listed in our town!!! WooHoo!!! I have to look them over yet and see if they're worth going to, but I love me some garage sales, as they'd say in the south!

Hmm...well my mind is blank so I guess that's it!

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day!

I just have to post on something. Yesterday Zach was saying how he needed to go to Walmart to buy me a gift and was asking what I want. Hannah suggested flowers and a card. Why is that so cliche to me? Sure, flowers and cards are nice, but that's what every man gets his wife (or so it seems). I'm thankful for what I get, truly I am, but sometimes I just wish men would put more thought into what their wives would really want, something specific that their wife would like, know what I mean? By the way, I got a handmade card and picture from Hannah, a feather from Gabe and a picture and candy from Josiah! I love them! Zach sent me an e-card which brought tears to my eyes (but it doesn't take much these days). Anyway, I told Zach not to 'waste' our money on cards, flowers and things like that. Honestly, how hard can it be for men to figure out what their wife wants? Finally I told him a manicure or pedicure would be nice, or a massage.

Please know I'm NOT trying to complain- I'm thankful for every flower I get and every funny and meaningful card given. It's just that sometimes I think us women would like more thought and work put into it all than just a trip to Walmart. I really, really hope this makes sense and if Zach reads this I hope he knows I mean no ill will toward him or anything, just stating some thoughts!!!

Happy Birthday Josiah

Wow, time FLIES! Josiah is 8 today! Where on earth did that go??? I can remember that day like it was yesterday. I think he had a good birthday. Last night we went to Hibachi and spent an arm, leg and ear it was so expensive (but sooooo good). Today we hit a few garage sales as I was on the hunt for maternity jeans (I found 2 pair). Then we came and played a bit and ate lunch and prepared for his party. He had a good party- 2 families showed up so 5 other kids. They colored their 'goody bags', played a "Lego game" (they got a baggie of Lego's and had to build something with it), and played musical chairs. Then Josiah opened his gifts and we had cake and ice cream. The kids all played for awhile and left. Josiah pretty much hid out in the basement building his new Bionicle, until Zach came home to take them to see Iron Man. I guess it wasn't as good as the first one (the second movies never are).

I enjoyed the quiet when they were gone. Abby fell asleep on me and I watched trash on TV that I don't normally watch and fell asleep for a bit. Then we ate dinner and Abby got a bath and I got ready for bed. We played for a bit, talked to Nanny and then everyone came home. It was so nice and quiet with just her and I. She didn't really venture far from me and didn't play off of my lap. I think she thought it was weird that nobody else was here!

Now I am ready for bed. It seems I just don't slow down these days as there's always something to be done! I'm glad Josiah's birthday is over. Now I need to focus on finishing school and preparing for our garage sale.

I'm so thankful for Josiah. He's so creative with drawing, Lego's and Bionicles. He's really funny, always making us laugh about something (both of my boys are). He's been such a delight to watch grow these past 8 years! I'm thankful that he's healthy and growing!!!

Hump Day

School is winding down. Well, in some ways I feel like it will drag forever and in other ways it feels like its really ending soon. I'm not sure which it is, I don't have a set date to be done by, just whenever we're done I guess. Both Hannah and Josiah finished their English books, BUT we didn't do the writing chapters in those books as I had bought a different writing book to do. BUT they didn't like to do those exercises either so now we're going back to the writing chapters in their English books to write! They, especially Hannah, really struggle with writing and coming up with ideas for some reason!!! Although, her narrative for this week is going really well.

I don't know why but the only place I dream of that I've lived in (aside from growing up and college) is Minot. Last night I dreamed of Minot again! How weird is that!?!? I remember living in our house we'd lived in on Roaming Road, but I think we were just visiting? Whoever I was with, we walked down to the chapel but it wasn't the chapel but some other building where there was like a craft show and such. My cousin Sherry was there selling her Scentsy stuff, my cousin Darci was there working with the paramedics doing demonstrations. It was so weird!

Can you believe that I am 14 weeks today- in my second trimester!?!?!? I am sooo excited, although at the same time I just can't wait for my ultrasound at 18 weeks just to confirm (again) that everything is ok. Afterall, I was at a 15 week appointment when I found out Malachi had died. I just like to get past those 'humps'.

I am trying to plan Josiah's birthday party. I am having it Friday afternoon and we were going to go to a park but the weather looks cold, windy and possibly rainy so now I am having it here. I'm kinda bummed about that as its so much easier to have a bunch of kids running around at a park than my house!!!! lol That also means more planning on my part, figuring out about 2 games and such. Oh well, I know Josiah will be excited to have his friends celebrate his day with him. He also is going to see the new Iron Man movie that night with Zach, Hannah and Gabe. We're supposed to go eat dinner (he wants to go to the Japanese Steakhouse) but seeing as they're going to the movie I'm not sure how that will play out. Maybe we'll have to do that tomorrow night.

Ok, I am freezing and in need of a shower...Jamie this post was for you :)) More than 1 post in a week! I'm on a roll!

Where's Jamie?

Yesterday Zach asked the last time I've blogged...I couldn't remember! How sad is that. I haven't even been by to scope out my friend's blogs. I have been pretty busy with life in general though. Last week just seemed so crazy. I really am aiming to be done with school at a reasonable date (no idea when though). One of these days maybe we'll start doubling up on lessons, but we'll see. I haven't even been able to keep up on my housework- I seem dust caked on so many things and I just don't care right now. I'm too tired to deal with it! Between schooling, caring for the kids in general and everything else I just feel there's not much time! I can't wait for summer break!!! To do nothing! I'm also preparing for a garage sale so I finally made it in the basement last night to tackle some of that mess.

Speaking of garage sales, a friend and I went on Saturday. It was so fun to have somebody to go with, rather than alone or dragging out my kids! I don't know what I'll do when Zach's gone this summer because it's so much easier without the kids. Well, I did take Hannah and she took her daughter, but that's easy! We went to one neighborhood sale where there were like 23 houses having sales and SCORED! I took $40 with me and most of it was gone by the time we left there, 2 1/2 hours later! I came home with only $1 left! I bought some clothes for Abby, found a dress and jeans for Hannah and found some maternity clothes. I also found what I thought was a car seat cover for winter (I've never needed one) but turns out it goes in a cart. I thought about selling it in my sale, but maybe I'll keep it? We'll see. It's WAY nicer than the one I have. So, I guess at the next 'hunt' I'll be finding one of those car seat covers and some maternity jeans. I only have 2 pairs of those! Why I didn't buy any on Sat. is beyond me (I guess I didn't realize how little I have).

Speaking of maternity jeans, on Saturday I went to get dressed and couldn't fit in my normal pants!!! I have 2 pairs of jeans that are bigger so I wore one of those, but I'm no longer able to wear the normal ones. So, this weather either really needs to warm up because I have tons of summer clothes, or I need to hit some more sales and find some jeans!! Not bad to be pregnant for the 7th time (5th baby) and be needing maternity pants at 13 1/2 weeks!

Well, I'm going to try to rest while the kids are playing nicely. I'm exhausted since I was up so early. I hope to check in with you all soon!

Why don't I ever blog?

Our trip home was...stressful. It always is. I always say I'm not gonna do that again but of course I do! This time it was just that Zach & I were on two different pages with 'plans'. So that frustrated the crap out of me! It was nice to see my mom, though. I just wish we'd had more time together, at least alone. Since my stepdad is out of commission he was RIGHT there ALL the time! Everybody was happy to see us. We didn't travel an hour to see everyone, but people came to us and that helped w/stress! I was tired enough as it was! It was great seeing everyone we got to see, just wish we could've seen everyone!

It is so nice to be home. Nothing like going away to have you come home and feel good about your home! Although since I got here I've been sick. I haven't been taking Unisom at night, seeing if I could go without it (plus I didn't really want to take it when we were travelling because I didn't want to be overly tired). But yesterday we didn't eat on a normal schedule and I thought maybe that threw my off. By the time I'd eaten I was beyond hungry and then so sick. So as soon as I crawled into bed last night I had to run out because I got sick. This morning I awoke and had laundry started before 8:30 and was showered by 9! I was so thrilled, ready to tackle school and some other things. Well, I began to go downhill from there and felt so sick again. I did school from the couch and laid around all day. My stomach kept turning and feeling funny, I have no idea how I didn't get sick. Then as I was eating dinner (leftover spaghetti) I knew I was going to 'lose it'. Not fun at all! No idea why I'm so sick again but I'm going to start taking Unisom again! In Michigan I was getting to the point where I was craving things and everything sounded good. Not anymore! Boo!

Abby is just growing up. She was down to nursing once a night (at last) and the other night I paid attention if she was getting anything. She wasn't so I was just her pacifier so last night she got no 'boo' as she calls it. She only whined once for it. Last night she fell asleep in her own bed (with Hannah next to her) and awoke after 1 and I brought her into our bed. I was too tired/sick to try to get her back in her own bed and Zach wouldn't budge! Then today for her nap Hannah got her to sleep in her bed again!!! I think she's finally beginning to like her bed! I must admit though that I'm a bit sad that we'll never have that 'closeness' of nursing again. It's just such a special thing. Good thing I have another on the way! Now to get her sleeping through the night and in her own bed all night!!! She's so smart too. Copies everything. She eats like a pig now that she doesn't nurse- she'll eat anything from anyone! I'm thinking I may try to potty train her this summer. She's only 20 months but she's so smart and I normally can tell when she's about to poop. We'll see. She loves to give me kisses on the mouth, its so super sweet! She's beginning to 'sing' along to music! I love watching her discover new things every day. Oh and she LOVES puzzles!!!

Ok that's about all for now. I'm so tired.

We're so spontaneous

We decided on like Wednesday to go home to Michigan for a week, so here we are at 'home'. We got her Saturday and will only be here until Friday or Saturday. It will be short but good. I hadn't seen my mom since last summer when I was up here! She keeps wanting to come down to visit me but hasn't been able to with her nursing duties (my stepdad's broken ankle). I really hope she'll be able to make it down this summer when I'm home alone for 6 1/2 weeks. The kids sure love being in Michigan again. Not only do they get to see family but they have so much room to run around outside. And they don't mind the 'cold' like I do!

Yesterday we spent the day at Zach's dads. His sister and her family came up and we BBQ'd and had a good ol' time. We went out to Zach's Uncle Joey's house and he gave the kids a ride on a trailer on the back of his 4-wheeler and then they played in his pond looking for frogs, tadpoles and turtles. They had such a good time.

Well, I can't concentrate anymore on anything else I was going to say :) Too much commotion!

I CAN'T DO NOTHIN' RIGHT

Yep, guess I'm supposed to be SUPER DOOPER MOM! How I'm supposed to do it all and have it all together is beyond me. I'm so at the end of my rope. Nights are so rough. I'm just so frustrated and hormones must be hitting because I'm even in tears.

Weekend Recap

What a great weekend we had! Well, I really don't remember Friday. I think I felt pretty sick that night. Oh yeah, we went to eat at Godfather's. It's one of the only sit down pizza places in our town- sad that pizza has become only a thing of delivery or carry-out! Afterwards we ran to Walmart because I needed a few things for Hannah's party. When I walked in the door I noticed little orange "Wet Floor" signs or something but didn't pay attention until the greeter guy said, "Don't look." Of course then you look...I saw puke. I felt pukey enough as it was! I made sure we left out the other door. And as soon as I got home I ran upstairs and lost my dinner! At least I didn't' do it in Walmart!

Saturday Zach took the boys fishing and I prepared for Hannah's party. She had 4 girls come over, which was a perfect number! We played the "Hannah game" where I asked questions about her from birth on up- a great way for the girls to get to know her! We then played a 'nail polish' game I found online. You spin the bottle of nail polish and whoever it lands on paints a nail that color, then they spin, etc so they end up w/different color painted nails. We did one hand for each girl and then they just painted the other hand whatever colors they wanted. Then we opened gifts- Hannah got some real nice gifts. It was time to decorate cupcakes. The girls had a blast putting their own icing on the cupcakes- piling it way high! They were like, "This is a once in a lifetime chance!" Haha After the cake and ice cream we planted some seeds for them to take home. Then they had about 20 minutes to play. I had most of the party outside and didn't even get the house messy! It was perfect! Parties for 10 year old girls are way easier than for littler kids or even boys! I guess the boys didn't catch one fish- in 4 hours of fishing! At least they got out and had some fun! I was pretty beat after the party so Zach, Abby and I took a nap while the older kids watched a movie.

Today we went to the early service at church. I really like going to that service because then we have the whole rest of the day free! Although today we were like, "What are we going to do?" It was decent weather outside so we knew we wanted to do something. Abby wouldn't nap so I suggested we just go for a ride and maybe she'd sleep. We drove through some areas of Ankeny we've never been through before. Then Zach said he'd take the kids to Petsmart to see the animals so I ventured to Kohl's which is in the same shopping plaza! I wanted to find a spring/summer coat since I don't really have a decent/nice one. Plus I had $10 in Kohl's cash to use. I found a nice coat, a shirt for myself and a white onesie for Abby. She's got a few denim jumpers and I didn't have anything to wear under them so I thought that was perfect. I really could have spent much more money, looking at all the baby clothes and stuff! Afterwards we came home and the kids played in the backyard. I took Abby in the front to ride her bike and she saw our neighbors on the corner out with their slide and jump house so she started heading that way! It was nice to visit with them again- I haven't seen them since fall! Abby had fun playing (their little boy is exactly 2 weeks younger than her). It is so nice to be able to hang out outside, I just wish the wind wouldn't blow so much! Yesterday was supposed to be about 70 but it wasn't that warm at all and with the wind felt even cooler.

I've been weaning Abby. She doesn't' nurse at all during the day and there's been a night or two I haven't nursed her before she fell asleep. I try to put her in her room to go to sleep but sometimes its difficult if I don't feel well. Last night I didn't nurse her, she fell asleep in her room and once she woke up I think she only nursed maybe two times during the night, so I think she's finally getting it! I feel bad because she's so cute when she asks for it or tries to get in my shirt! Hopefully she'll be weaned soon and start sleeping through the night and then in her own bed! My goal is to have her in her own bed all night before Zach's gone this summer.

She has to do whatever her siblings do. If they eat, she has to be sitting eating also. The other day they went to play in the basement and she normally doesn't ask to go down there, but she begged to go down. It is not finished and there are many toys for her to play with down there but there's also some that are too little for her. So I had Hannah watch and play with her while I cleaned up from lunch. If the kids go outside Abby has to go outside. And every time she goes outside she goes to the basement door until we get her shoes and to the closet for her jacket. Smart girl! The other night at Godfather's she was so super cute. These teen boys sat at a booth across from us and she kept looking back at them and smiling. The one boy finally noticed her and smiled back. She started waving and saying, "Hi" and she'd look at us and laugh about it! It was so cute how she was flirting with him! When we left I told her to give him a hug and she went to put her head on his leg to 'hug' him but then hit her head on the table and got freaked out! It was so funny though!

Well, speaking of Abby she's finally napping on me and my arm is killing so I better get off. Plus Hannah's been begging me to see which clothes of hers don't fit her so it's time to go through her clothes!

Talk

I forgot to mention that I had 'the talk' with Hannah. I believe it was Thursday night. I figured it was 'fresh' on both our minds so I better just do it. Whew. I first of all made very, VERY clear that she not talk about the stuff I tell her with anyone- not her brothers, not friends. If she had anything to say or ask to come to me. That's all I need is her to go and tell her friends how babies are made! I told her about how her body will change and what will happen and explained how babies are 'made'. She had some questions. Some were funny. "You mean you and dad took your shorts off and did that?" "Well when I get married will you be mad when I do that?" "Will dad spank me after I'm married and I do that?" She also thought you waited awhile after you were married, saying something about months later and how will people know, will she get a belly? Then I explained that just because you're intimate doesn't mean you get pregnant, that there's only a certain time of the month that can happen. I think she got quite an education! She hasn't brought it up since we've had the discussion. She did seem rather weirded out by it, wondering how it could be 'enjoyable'. I told her that's normal for kids to feel that way, but as she got older she'd understand! It really wasn't as bad as I'd anticipated. She did know a bit about menstruation and stuff due to reading the Old Testament. Kudos to the Bible :)

Already!?!

Ok, so Saturday I realized that my belly must have grown over night! That's weird too because Friday night I was sooooo sick! But I could've sworn on Saturday that my tummy was just a bit bigger. And yesterday I noticed it too. I'm 9 1/2 weeks. Wow, it seems so early, especially considering how tiny the baby is! I don't mind though! I remember with Hannah I was like 9 months pregnant and barely looked pregnant at all! I hated it! It was my first and I wanted to look pregnant! I guess by the time I've been pregnant so many times I'm bound to get 'fat' sooner! Even the other day when I was walking in Kohl's I almost felt like I had a bit of a waddle! I know, I must have been exaggerating but still.

We had a good weekend. Like I said Friday I was really sick. Zach got home and I don't know what the deal was. I don't remember feeling that awful the whole pregnancy. Finally about 8 I took some Unisom and went to bed. Saturday I wanted to head out to this kid's consignment shop so we all went out. It was nice to get out and I managed to find some things for Abby and a few things for Josiah (my two most in 'need'). The kids enjoy looking at the animals around the store (they have fish, turtles, guinea pigs, etc). Always a fun time! I thought with everyone there I would feel rushed to look but I wasn't at all. We then drove to Barnes and Noble where Hannah exchanged a book and then we drove by the lake to see if it was unfrozen. Zach thought about taking the boys fishing, but then decided it was too windy. When we got home Hannah & I went to Kohl's where I found a few more things for A & J. Then I treated Hannah to some YUMMY custard at Culver's. I haven't been able to eat a whole lot of sweets so far this pregnancy but that sounded so delicious to me. I saved $112 at Kohl's! I LOVE saving money like that!!!

Yesterday we had a good day, much better than what I'd anticipated. I hate spending holidays alone, without family. It really, really bites to be away from family on holidays. And I really miss living near/on a base where you have others in the same boat so you all get together. I really didn't want to spend another holiday alone. Sometimes it just gets so depressing. We went to church, which was PACKED and then Zach went to Wal-mart because he decided he was going to cook a dinner! He made a delicious salad for us for lunch and then for dinner made Chicken Alfredo. It was so sweet of him to do that! We have noodles coming out of our ears he made so much food! At least I don't have to worry about what to eat when I get hungry!

To make the day even better my friend, Jenn, and her kids stopped by! It was great to see them and Abby loved the baby! She even 'helped' me give the baby her bottle! Then the weather was gorgeous so we sat outside for awhile. Our neighbors were out too, so eventually I ended up over there to hold their not even month old grandson! Two babies in one day!!! THEN I had another surprise, which I cannot disclose yet. It was a GREAT day and I'm thankful to God for the people he provided to keep me 'company' during the day! Hope you all had a blessed Resurrection Day as well!

I wish I could say today was a good day. For some reason I didn't get enough sleep or awoke on the wrong side of the bed. I am a grouch (I admit it). My kids are driving me nuts. Right now poor Abby is so tired. She was asleep on the floor until the kids were going crazy being hyper. Now she's awake and just crying. I know she wants to go back to sleep but is fighting it. Poor baby. I've tried rocking her, singing to her, etc and she just doesn't know what she wants. I must go and put some laundry in the dryer. How we ended up with SO many dirty clothes is beyond me!

Baby #7!

So yesterday I had my first appointment, as you know from my last blog post. All went well and it was such a relief! I was still in shock, even after seeing the baby! It's such a blessing to be given the chance to raise another child for the Lord! He is so good to see us fit to bless us with another baby! I'm so thankful!

I've been thinking about the birth of this baby and wondering if I'd need another c-section. I know they're so anti-VBAC these days, even after one section, much less after two. I have to admit I'm almost ok with another c-section. I'm wondering if it's a 'God thing' because I never considered that with my other children. The doctor talked to me about having my 5th baby and how that really increases my chances of uterine rupture, especially since my body has been through this so many times now. He also said, "If you were my wife I'd definitely recommend a c-section." He was very open to checking into it all if I wanted a VBAC, to checking with the hospital and all that (he was talking about it before I said anything about it). That was when I told him I wasn't completely opposed to another c-section. Like I said, I wonder if God has kinda made me think this way for some reason, because normally I'd be opposed. And I have many, MANY friends who are WAY opposed to c-sections and I really don't want to hear any 'stats' or anything on it- it is a choice Zach & I have to make that will work best for us.

This morning I had a nightmare that seemed so real. I was standing by the front door with Josiah and then realized I had to go to the bathroom. Not to give TMI, but when I wiped I was spotting and I just FREAKED out. I was a bit nervous to get out of bed and go to the bathroom this morning. Luckily it was just a really, really bad dream. I'm thankful for even having a dream though because that means I got sleep!

I've been struggling with insomnia many nights with this pregnancy. The night before last I couldn't sleep AT ALL. It was so frustrating! Yesterday was such a busy day and by evening I was just worn right out! And I had to come home, make sure the kids were bathed and get them to bed! It was nice to crawl into bed at a decent hour and actually get some sleep! I was so thankful!

Ok, speaking of baby I'm really hungry so I better find me some food before I get too much hungrier. I've been puking, but not every day- not even every other day- thankfully! I certainly feel like I could a lot more often though. I hate being hungry but nothing sounds good- that's the worst.

Bad blogging mom!

I didn't get on my blog yesterday to wish Hannah a HAPPY 10TH BIRTHDAY!!!! How is it that my 'baby' is 10??? I remember that day like it was yesterday. I'm so thankful for the young lady Hannah is becoming- I couldn't ask for a better daughter! God has blessed us!

Here's how her birthday went down: She woke up and we ate breakfast and then she opened her gifts. She was excited to get new bedding from Nanny & Papa. We'd gone on Saturday when Zach was still in town and gotten her ears pierced with a $35 gift card to Claire's I'd given her. We also went to Bass Pro Shop and ate at their restaurant. I asked the waitress about birthdays and she said they normally don't do anything but she'd ask her manager. She came back with a sundae for Hannah and said the boss paid for it. That was SO nice!!! What a little treat! Anyway, back to yesterday...

The kids also watched TV, whatever Hannah wanted to watch. They also got to play outside. We ate lunch and then sang Happy Birthday and had cake. I picked up the babysitter to watch teh younger three and Hannah came to my first OB appointment with me. I was so excited to take her! When I was filling out a form that asked about your last period she read it and asked, "Does that mean like a period at the end of a sentence?" LOL I briefly reminded her what it was, because I've briefly told her about it before. So, we finally make it in the back and WOOHOO I get my ultrasound! It was such a relief to see the baby! The doctor gave the first picture to Hannah to keep! I thought that was so special! It was amazing how you could already see baby's arm and leg buds!

The appointment went well, I'll try to write more on that on another post. I had to go and get my blood drawn and while waiting Hannah asked me how babies get in mommy's bellies. Oh boy! Seriously!?! I was having a hard enough time with her turning 10, do I really have to explain that too! I told her the mommy and daddy sleep together and she asked, "Do they touch each other or what?" So, she's on the right track... I just need to find a time to sit and explain it all to her, I guess. Phew, my little girl is growing up!

I was so thankful Hannah was able to come to my appointment with me! It was so special! I hope she thought it was special also! After we brought the babysitter home we came home and the kids got to ride their scooters out front for awhile. They wanted their bikes but I wasn't about to try to haul them out of the shed! Then we went out for Chinese, per Hannah's request for her birthday dinner. I wasn't sure I'd be able to handle it but I just ate rice and ragoons! We came home and they played outside and watched some more TV. Hannah wanted to play with one of her friends but that didn't work out. We then went to Bible study where the 'babysitter' planned an Easter egg hunt for the kids. They all sure liked that! That was sweet of them to do that!

We then came home and had baths and went to bed. Then I went and lay in Hannah's bed with her and asked if she had a good birthday and prayed over her. She said she had a special day and I'm glad. I plan to try to have a birthday party for her on the 10th, just a little one.

Happy 10th birthday my big girl!!!

No way

Ok, so I totally should blog about my retreat this weekend. Instead I'm going to gripe. Friday night while I was gone Zach took all 4 kids to the movie. I'm thankful they did the 2D and not the 3D but I found out the next day they made him pay for Abby!!!! She watched the previews and slept through the movie. She's 19 months and he had to pay FULL price!!! I think I should call the theater and complain about that. That's bull crap!

Yay

My cord came in today! Earlier than I thought it would! I'm so happy! Every time I'd type on Zach's computer I'd have so many issues, which is one reason I never blogged. I hate that computer! Just like the Dell laptop I bought last year and had problems with. So, I'm back. Hopefully I can blog a REAL post real soon :)

Let's try again...

Ok, I had this post started once and am not going to elaborate again, unfortunately. Here's our updated dream sheet. It doesn't guarantee a thing, but Zach needed to update it for applying for a new Air Force job.

1. Randolph AFB San Antonio
2. Scott AFB in Illinois (near St. Louis)
3. Peterson AFB Colorado Springs
4. Davis Monthan AFB Tucson
5. Hill AFB Salt Lake City
6. Mountain Home AFB south of Boise, Idaho
7. Buckley AFB near Denver
8. Lackland AFB San Antonio

For overseas:
1. Lakenheath England
2. Mildenhall England
3. Elmendorf Alaska
4. Alconbury England
5. Moron Spain
6. Aviano Italy
7. Croughton England
8. Stavanger Norway

Dream Sheet

Well i had a nice long post and Zach's dumb computer deleted it...I'm too mad to post about itagain so I guess it'll have to wait...grrrrrr

Spring Break is for the Birds

I wasn't planning on doing any sort of spring break, I really never do as we take breaks whenever we want/need them. But, I've decided we're going to have "Spring Training". We'll do some light schoolwork probably throughout the week, but I mainly want to focus on REtraining my children in all sorts of things- manners, obedience, kind words, patience, learning to ASK kindly when they need help, etc. These are things that have just been GRATING on my nerves and it's my own lack of dealing with it. So, it'll be a boot camp sort of deal. I'm not sure even what I'm going to do or how I'm going to do it! Totally winging it here. But, I'm tried of the behavior of my children. I don't enjoy them these days and I want a home filled with peace. So, it's time to do some work in what REALLY counts. We'll be spending a lot of time in the Bible, doing a lot of teamwork, and simply being together and enjoying one another. I plan on cutting back on my computer time as well, as I know I need some 'adjusting' in my attitude also! Please pray for us! And if you have any ideas, send them my way!

Spilling beans

I have some beans to spill. I really wanted to keep it a secret longer but people are finding out so I figure I may as well let you know. I'm going to post it here before I facebook it (not sure when I'll announce it on facebook) so please keep it quiet on facebook!

We are going to have another baby!!!! I am shocked, ecstatic, shocked, excited, shocked, thankful, did I mention shocked!? I'm 6 weeks today due about November 3. I found out Friday night.

When I was out shopping Friday night I bought a test. I think I get obsessed with taking them! I honestly did not think I was pregnant, so I'm really not sure why I bought the test. Back in Feb. I had gotten what I thought was a 'light' period that was a bit earlier than what I expected and just not 'normal' (then again they haven't been too normal). So I assumed it was just a weird period, but at the same time had a nagging thought that maybe it was implantation or something. Also, I've never before gotten pregnant while still nursing. I know its not a sure form of 'birth control' but its worked for me in the past.

Not like we were trying to use it as a form of birth control. We're just like 'if it happens, it happens'. We believe God controls the womb and He is the Giver of Life. For a few months I'd kept having baby dreams, but every month was not pregnant. I hate when 'getting pregnant' consumes your thoughts and one night when Zach was gone I had a really good 'God time'. I remember asking God to take away any baby thoughts if He didn't plan that for me right now. I was completely content either way, to have another baby now or not. I know it all lies in His hands. So, the next day when I started that light bleeding I chuckled to myself thinking how God was showing me now was not the time. Little did I know...

Fast forward to this past Friday night. I got home from shopping and took the test. Zach and the 3 older kids were at the movies, so he had no idea I'd bought it. I took it, turned to wash my hands, glanced at it and already saw a visible + sign. I had to read the paper to see if I was reading it correctly because I didn't believe it! I was so tripped up, I called my friend Angie just flipping out! "Oh my goodness!!! You're not going to believe what I'm looking at!!! Oh my!!!" I was freaking out! Excitement and shock just took over! I honestly did not expect to see that + sign! It was so cool to call her first and share with her! I remember when she'd done pretty much the same thing to me! So, she knew before Zach even knew.

Then I texted him a picture of the test and asked him to pick up another. I later heard him driving up and met him at the door. He didn't get the text! So, he checked it and was like, "What? You're pregnant? How did that happen?" LOL Duh I wonder! So he ran right out to get another test and that too showed up positive right away. We were in shock. We're still in shock I think!

I wasn't going to say anything for awhile. I know how people will react. They'll think we're crazy. They'll wonder why. They'll worry. They think our hands are 'full enough'. They won't be happy. They won't say 'Congratulations'. It's a new LIFE!?!? Why can't people be happy for that??? It's such a shame! This is why I didn't want to say anything for awhile. Plus, I think about my friends (quite a few of them) who desire a baby sooooo badly and are just unable to have one. I know how much they're happy for us, yet how much it hurts them. And I can't help but feel bad, if that makes sense. Needless to say, I don't live for other people and I don't live for myself. I live for God and put my trust in Him. Obviously God wants to bless us with another and He'll provide the strength, stamina, etc to raise another! Its all a matter of trust. I trust in God. I live for God and I will submit to God. I praise Him for the blessing of another baby!

It is crazy to think this is my 7th pregnancy, my 5th baby!!! Please pray for the baby. Pray for me to have peace and to eat healthy! The kids are all excited and they all say they hope its another girl! They're so funny!

Three Years

Three years have gone by in a wink and a blur. In ways it seems like just yesterday, as I can recollect this day so vividly. In other ways it seems like ages ago as the pain has eased. My boy is blessed to be in heaven, not having to face a day in this ugly sinful world, but that doesn't mean I don't miss him. I often wonder what it would be like to have him toddling about the house. I'm sure he'd love his big brothers and follow them everywhere! What a delight he would be to watch as he grows and learns new things daily. Who would he resemble? Gabe with brown hair and eyes or would he have lighter hair and blue eyes? Our house would be a whole lot wilder with another boy running around, but what joy and fun that would be! What a blast!!! Life with children is never dull and you're always bound to be entertained and I'm sure he'd just add to my daily smiles. I miss him. How can you meet somebody you never got to 'meet', whose personality you don't know? He was a part of me. A part of Zach. A part of our family. He is a special little boy to be able to pass by this place into the heavenly realm. I cannot wait to get there, to meet my precious boy, to hold him tight. What a delightful day that will be! Malachi, you are missed beyond words. Time may have healed some of the pain of 'losing' you but there will always be some there until we meet face to face. I feel so blessed and honored that God chose me to be your mommy, if only for a short time! My love for you only grows over time. I love you my sweet boy. Mommy will always love you and you'll never be forgotten.

God's Voice

I love when God speaks, don't you? Last night we had Zach's Dining Out. I was dreading it for so many reasons for a really long time. I love being a military wife. Take me to a base picnic any day. I'll even go to a Christmas party. But the more 'formal' type things just aren't my style! Good thing Zach isn't an officer or we'd be having to do them a lot more often, probably! When we got there Zach had to use the restroom so I stood outside of it and just prayed for God to give me a good attitude. We arrived later than we were supposed to (they wanted us there at 5 sharp for the 'social hour'). Those are the things that make me nervous...schmoozing with the 'big guys'. Anyway, we were way later than that and didn't have much time to socialize! And God really heard my prayer because I had a really good attitude and enjoyed myself. Definitely not something I want to do, but at least I can say I had a decent time. Maybe because we had some decent company at our table this year (last year, for the whole 1/2 hour I was there there wasn't really anybody at our table to talk to).

Anyway, I got a bit sidetracked in my brain when the speaker was speaking! I wondered how my children were and was missing them. Isn't it funny how I crave time away from them when I'm with them, but when I'm away from them I miss them? I don't miss them or wonder about them as much when Zach is with them, but when somebody else watches them I wonder more. Anyway, as I sat thinking about them God quietly whispered to me. You see, lately it seems I see or hear of more and more people taking little trips away from their children (whether alone or with their spouse). And I become quite envious of that. I want to get away! I want a trip away with hubby! Or people will tell me how I need a break, some time away. Zach is SO GOOD about giving me time away when I need it. He's wonderful about staying home and helping with the kids while I go to a Mom's night or shopping or whatever to get out for a few hours. And that is all I need! Something I just thought of, the book I picked up a while back but haven't had much of a chance to get in to yet talks about this very thing, but I haven't read this chapter yet. Well, until last night.

God really spoke about how He created me to be my children's mother. To be with them, nurture and care for them. That is what He has called me to do- it is my high calling. I knew this of course, but it was so nice to have that still small reminder from Him! Normally I get these little glimpses and reminders from Above Rubies retreats and magazines. And isn't it funny that I got my magazines Friday but haven't had time to read them? They always encourage me in my walk with God and in my role as a wife and mother. I am SO BLESSED to have 4 beautiful children! Thank you, Jesus, for the sweet reminder! I don't need a ticket out of here. I need to immerse myself in God and my family and give myself fully to them!

Hmm

I have a post I started last week and have yet to get back to it! I keep wanting to blog but just haven't had the time. Facebooking is so much easier because you can just quick log on, check things out and leave. Blogging you need to think, type, edit, etc. More brain power, of which I'm lacking these days.

I went to the doctor the other day as it was like 9 days of my cold and I couldn't stand it anymore. Turns out I have bronchitis. I've never had it before so part of me wonders if I really do have it. I am on some meds. You'd think they'd have kicked in by now but I'm still hacking away. I'm not blowing my nose as often so that's a good thing- it is so raw from blowing it so much. But this cough is just annoying. My back feels out of whack from coughing so much, my stomach hurts from coughing so much and I'm sick of hearing it!

We've had temps in the 30s and beautiful sunshine lately and I'm digging it! I'm so ready for spring! Grass, parks, garage sales. Plus I can toss the kids outside when they're getting out of control. I think they're as cooped up as I am!

Contest

My sister-in-law, Amie, is having a contest! She's the 'crafty' one who made my blanket and diaper bag for Abby. She's talented. Check it out and take a shot at winning! And if you need anything 'custom' made she's the one to see :)

History

Wow, this week is crazy! All of my days just run together when Zach's not here. While he 'lives it up' in San Antonio going to movies and driving around cadets I don't get a break from my kids. But they haven't been too bad! We've been catching up on school since we didn't get a whole lot done last week. We've also run out every day, whether to church, shopping or errands. Today we went to the Iowa Historical Museum. First, it was free (well aside from putting $ in the parking meter)!!! Well, the kids saw this big box and I told them that was where donations go- Gabe put all of his money in there- at least $2! I thought that was pretty cute! The guy wanted me to sign in, so I signed in our 'group' which included my two friends and their kids. There would be 3 adults and 10 children. The guy came up to us a bit later making sure we had the count correct "because it seems like you have more than 10 children". Sometimes it was a bit crazy trying to keep mine in control by not running and staying by me. It was a neat little museum. I liked that fact that many of the exhibits had things we've recently talked about in school! For example, when we learned about rocks in science we learned about granite. We got to see granite. They've seen granite in countertops before but not really in a 'real' rock! Lately Gabe's been learning about mountain type things and so it was neat to see Native American things, covered wagons, musical instruments and other items. The kid's favorite thing was a replica of a building in Des Moines- built completely out of Lego's. I admit it was rather neat!

As soon as we got in the car Abby crashed! She slept the whole way home and even conked out on the couch for a long while! I guess I wore her out!!! I even managed to do some school with the kids this afternoon. Now we can relax the rest of the day. Maybe I'll go and watch American Idol that I DVR'ed last night.

The new L-O-W

"Kinda like on Law & Order" (Zach's been way into that show lately). Josiah piped up from the way back, "You mean he can be like Low!" (Low rhymes with OW). I asked what he said, as I didn't understand. Well, he repeated it and I figured out he meant that he thought the male detective was named Low and the female Order!!!! Oh man, I busted a gut! It is so much funnier to say the story aloud than to type it. So I explained what Law & Order is.

Roller Coaster Ride

That's what it's been around here. The other day when I was doing our Bible time we were going over some memory verses. We began to talk about one of them and Gabe blurted out, "I'm going to hell." I just lost it and started bawling. I explained to him that we don't want him in hell and began to talk to he and Josiah on how they need Jesus saving grace. We had a very good discussion and they had many questions throughout the day.

Then yesterday we talked about it some more. Hannah was also talking to them about how they need to be saved. I sat down with them after lunch and explained it once again. Then we prayed and they asked Jesus into their hearts! Josiah had done this a couple of years ago but I'm not quite sure he understood. I'm still not sure they fully understand, I can only hope, pray and keep talking with them about the decision they've made and what it means.

Well, I was pretty psyched up about that when I heard from Zach that his supervisor and commander wanted him to remove his Bible and cross off of his desk. It has been there for almost 2 years (since we've gotten here) and we were floored that all of a sudden they're bringing this up. Especially in light of other things that have gone on there that SHOULD have had repercussions. Zach removed it, but then after PT went back and placed it back. He talked to a Chaplain last night (his dad's priest, who is also in the National Guard) and possibly to a few other people. He was ready to contact MEO and file an IG complaint. He had a meeting this morning and was told he could leave it there as long as he was 'cognizant of cadet's beliefs'. Praise God he can leave it there! Is it not crazy that he was asked such a thing??? It is the United States for crying out loud!!!

Anyway, what a roller coaster ride of emotional ups and downs!

3

Attempt #2...I am on Zach's computer as I await a new cord for mine and I hate this thing...does the exact same things my Dell did, so unfortunately this won't be a long post as I don't have patience for it. Every time I go to type a T a new tabbed browser pops up. How annoying!

Anyway, today is the 3 year mark since we found out Malachi was no longer living and growing in my womb. In ways it seems like yesterday and in ways it seems like forever ago. It was weird how all week I knew this day was approaching and was mentally preparing for it. Well this morning when I awoke it was almost erased from my mind. Instead, the recent young widow from my church was heavy on my heart. As I prepared to go out with Gabe doing some errands and such, God placed an idea in my head on how to bless her. It was a blast to have such a 'task' and gave me an opportunity to meet her, although I felt a bit weird, a stranger showing up on her doorstep! I just hope she knows how much I've been praying for her. Even last night when Zach asked the kids what we could pray for Josiah said, "Josiah's family". How sweet!

I still cannot believe 3 years have gone by since we got such dreaded news about our little boy. I often wonder what he would look like- would he have Gabe's silly grin or Josiah's blue eyes? What would our lives be like with another little boy tearing apart our house? I'm so thankful I had the opportunity to be Malachi's mommy, even for a short time. And as much as I miss him I am thankful he doesn't have to endure the pains and trials in this world. Jesus, please kiss my special boy for me! Mommy loves you, Malachi!

Unreal

Back to that doctor appointment. I felt like I had to strip to get weighed, taking off my boots and heavy winter coat and all! I didn't want those to mess with my weight! I thought for sure I'd be at least 10 pounds heavier than I wanted, what with the little belly I have. WOW! I weigh my 'normal' weight! I seriously have no idea how that is possible! Well, maybe because I really *am* still young :) I was totally psyched about it though~ nothing better than that :) Guess I can still keep eating all the junk I eat? Naaa, I need to begin to eat healthier.

Visit

Glad THAT is over for a year, or until I get pregnant again! I had my 'yearly' doctor visit today. I always find it a bit awkward how a doctor can talk about such little things (I was talking about Hannah, he was talking about his oldest, a 2nd grader) while doing an exam. I suppose he just tries to make people feel comfortable but it strikes me as funny. Then he said something about 'all these little bruises' and I'm thinking at first he means down there, only to realize he's talking about my legs! I told him I always have bruises on my legs, always have! But what are you supposed to think when he's examining parts that just shouldn't be examined!?!?

I must say though, that he is such a good doctor. So personable and friendly. He doesn't try to rush you out of his office, but talks and listens. And I've seen him all of 4 times now (the last time being when Abby was 6 weeks old) and he seriously seems like he remembers me!

Sunday Silliness

Melt my heart

Tonight I ran to a few stores and took Josiah with me. We passed a billboard with a baby on it. On the way home he was looking for that same billboard and I asked, "Do you want me to have another baby?" There was some hesitation and I asked again. He said, "Mmm, I want another brother." Then he said, "I want you to adopt but not have a baby." I was a bit surprised and asked, "Why?" "Because I don't want you to hurt having a baby." Ooohh talk about so sweet! I just wanted to pull over, stop the car and give him a big hug! I told him that it doesn't always hurt if you have medicine, but it probably fell of deaf ears. He's probably thinking about the pain I was in with kidney stones and then he also asked about the staples in my stomach after I had Abby so we had a discussion about all that the doctors probably saw when they cut me open!

Looks? Voice?

Is it just me or is American Idol all about 'looks' lately? Seriously, the shows this week were all about how great they look, their hair, dress, etc. And what was with having Casey James (I think that was his name) take off his shirt? Was that really necessary? I can see why Simon won't stick around after this season!

I do understand to a point that most of us also like a singer who is at least somewhat attractive, but it just seems this time its way more of an issue. I'm not sure we'll watch after this week, with Ellen being on. Yuck. Zach says he won't watch it anymore. I'm torn...I guess I'll see what next week brings.

On another note I love my DVR! I'm able to watch it at my convenience and not have to worry about what time its on at! Love it!

Indwelling

There's a gal I've known since kindergarten, Almerry. I saw on facebook that her sister died. Her sister was 2 years older than I, but being such a small town I knew who her sister was, though I didn't *know* her. I can't help but think of Almerry at this time. Then, a good friend from college, Jen, said on facebook how this gal died also. Apparently Jen went to the same church as Tacy. I've been praying for the friends and family of Tacy since I heard the news. She left behind a husband and two children. Her obituary is just beautiful, truly a tribute to a woman of God. What kind of obituary will they write for me? Will it be just as lovely? Will those who know me but don't *know* me know that I loved Jesus? Is it evident in the way I live? What memories will my children have of me?

Friday I had a breaking point. I broke down. I cried before God and my children. I sought forgiveness from all. For the way I was living was NOT the way I wanted to live. I was so selfish, living for myself and totally not living with the Holy Spirit indwelling me. As I read a new devotional I bought and a book for book club, in addition to my Bible, I can't help but grow. I can't help but see my fault in it. For so long I've wondered HOW to change. I wanted to change but I just felt stuck. Well, duh, I was not allowing HIS Spirit to live in me and guide me. I'm thankful for His grace, His forgiveness and His nudges. I'm thankful for the Spirit that can live inside of me to guide me to live for Him. And I pray that this is just the beginning of me being back on the 'straight and narrow'. Please pray for me!